To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

Crystal, when you have an hour free try Fairy1303's thread too. Marriedinwhite's advice is very sound - though you guys have a lot more patience that I could ever have. Twenty three years of biting your tongue is impressive, Married! Thank goodness for MN!

Cupid I'm so sorry you went through something similar. I also feel I was too trusting and vulnerable when DC was first born. MIL used to take pleasure in telling me DC's first tooth had arrived, or DC had walked, as though she was the first to notice these things!

Married in white your MIL sounds so incredibly insensitive. I'm so sorry for what you've been through losing your DC. I'm afraid I cannot say the same about never moaning about MIL in real life. My friends and DH have heard it all. With DH, it took a long time for him to see what was going on and it had to be spelt out to him. Now thankfully he sees it.

I would have definitely confronted her at the time of hearing that comment. It would have been hard for her to deny it being 'caught in the act'. What an old witch. I agree with most of the comments on here, unfortunately, I can't see a way forward for you to trust her and build a relationship knowing what she is capable of. I would simply tell DH to tell her you heard what she said, that you are not falling out over it, but that it is unacceptable and upsetting. I would then withdraw the majority of my contact with her, keep it polite but with distance.

I feel for you, that is not nice

Perhaps I should have confronted at the time, but I was physically shaking and felt in shock. I am quite sensitive. Tips on how to develop a thicker skin anyone?

I'm going to be honest Crystal it's really hard to know how to handle people who relate this way. After 17 years of marriage I find with my MIL that when anyone (not just me) tries to talk to her about anything meaningful she always: a) Tunes them out or claims to not even remember what happened b) Bursts into tears c) Starts raging. You cannot have a calm rational conversation and compromise with her because she is really not interested and prefers to do everything her way. Until she has one of her (many and frequent) dramas/crisis and then she will be begging someone to rescue her. The behavior is very bizarre, unpredictable and stressful if you engage.

Best to disengage. I have been honest with my MIL when she has over stepped a boundary (such as opening and reading private letters not addressed to her) however I realise that I am unrealistic if I expect her to relate like a mature, rational adult. I keep my expectations very low, we visit occasionally and I don't leave my DCs with her alone (not because I think she will harm them but because she doesn't think or care about safety very much and can be oblivious). You now know what you are dealing with and you know she is not honest or trustworthy so act accordingly.

This sounds horrible for you Crystal - I'd suggest a combination of speaking to your DH (so that he knows exactly what happened and will back you up) and then following 80sMum's suggestion of smiling through gritted teeth - but keeping a very tight rein on her dealings with your DC...

You have the huge advantage of knowing what a two-faced bag she is without having to have a big 'falling-out' about it and being made to feel that it's somehow your fault so make the most of your knowledge and be pleasant (i.e. non-aggressive) to her - but disengage slowly so that she can't accuse you of anything...

Play the long game and you will win . Good luck

I've too lost my mum and subconsciously was looking for a mother figure! I had three MIL's (one was a gmil but was more a mum to DH than his own mum) DH's mum and step mum have both been horrendous and has similar to you. I was so hurt because I was looking for a mother figure. However nobody could measure up because there wasn't a vacancy I had the most loving mother when she was alive. I see it as their loss they had a lovely daughter in law and they just failed to see it. Their loss I just put all my energy into being the best mum I can be.

Tell her what you heard and how it has made you feel. Then ask her if she were in your shoes how she would carry on relationship. Do this in front of your husband.

I too lost my DM and was looking for a mother figure.

In fact I still fret that I didn't bond well with my DC in the first few months because of the stress I went through with MIL. I had a recurring nightmare that MIL took DC from me for weeks

You poor thing, I had this too, I was totally overwhelmed by her grasping and mad panic to get at the baby.

I am very intuitive and I could just feel her will and pull.

We got demonic calls from FIl that MIL must see baby as she is changing all the time.

I have since had another DC and after the horrors from Mil and fil first time round, this time they were not told and it has been soo much better. So much better.

My MIL never really hid her hate for me, I thought we were different but could muddle along until a huge blow out from her, when the bile poured out.

However I have also heard from quite a few friends that MILS that they thouhgt they got on with had suddenly turned on them....

Personally I'd be going down the self preservation route if she made me feel that bad. I'd explain to my hubby how it had been hurting me over the years and telling him that he would need to take the kids to visit their nan in future and that I would expect him or the kids to keep away, just that I wouldn't be seeing her anymore. This only because it's an ongoing issue rather than first offense.

You know where you stand consider that as a positive thing. You sound nice and she sounds like a cow. I suggest you maintain the relationship between your DH and children and her and you take a big step back. My FIL is an absolute nightmare that is what we do. I used to make an effort but he is a bullying abusive nightmare so I only go with DH now and FIL and I pretend to get on but we both know where we stand.

Thank you for all the supportive posts and advice. I've just re read this thread because MIL turned up this afternoon at our house.

To update what has happened since I last posted, DH spoke to his DD and DS. They both sided with MIL saying we mustn't be hard on her and that she loves me so much she could never have meant it.

I didn't speak to MIL about it and though she knew I had heard her, she didn't contact me to apologise. The next week we had a family christening so I put on a smile but avoided MIL mostly. I didn't bring it up in the few days leading up to the christening because I didn't want to ruin the day with a bad atmosphere. The upshot of this is that MIL saw me for the first time since this all happened and because I was pleasant to her, she thinks it's all now forgotten and water under the bridge.

Fine, except on Sunday she turned up and muscled in on my bedtime with DC. Without asking me or DH she took DC upstairs and ran a bath. I came into the bathroom and DC cried out "mummy you bath me!", but then MIL asked DC 5 times who she would like to bath her, until eventually DC said Grandmother. I read somewhere recently that if you repeated ask a small child the same question they will eventually change their answer because they think they're saying the wrong thing because you're keep asking.

I left the bathroom and MIL finished bedtime with DC. I felt so frustrated and powerless in my own home. Afterwards MIL asked me in front of DH what was wrong, am I very tired? !

I spent the next day feeling so frustrated, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

This afternoon MIL turned up out of the blue at the exact time she knows I leave for play group. I ignored the doorbell and after 5 minutes she left. Then DC and I went to leave the house and there she was outside waiting for us! She said I thought I'd take DC to playgroup to give you a break as you were so tired on Sunday. She said this in front of DC and predictably DC jumped up and down excited to go with grandmother. I explained I needed to go in anyway as I had arranged to meet a friend there, and MIL the said to DC that she couldn't take her because "mummy is too busy". DC cried all the way there and we had a horrible afternoon with me feeling bad because MIL has implied to DC that horrible mummy won't let her come. In fairness, I did say she could come along but I would be going too but she didn't want to do that. She only wanted to take DC if I wasn't going.

So MIL has far more front than I ever thought. She is pretending she's done nothing wrong and I'm left feeling angry and frustrated. How is she able to put on such an innocent face? It's as though her nasty words never happened in her world.

And how can I keep my distance when she has the cheek to keep turning up at my house? I feel like a child when I'm over 40 years of age. Feeling so disappointed I cannot deal with this and her better.

I just wanted to sympathise- as I have a similar MIL. Very sneaky with her insults when no one else can hear, and always nice when my DH is around. Tried hard to muscle in on the children when they were little- and to undermine my position as mum.

You won't change her, and if you openly confront her it will backfire on you. But you are in the stronger position. Be polite, but keep your distance. Vary your plans - so she doesn't know your routines. Look her in the eye and clearly say 'No' if it's something you want to do yourself.

I wouldn't necessarily involve your DH. Mine certainly isn't that supportive, and the one time he did stand up for me his sister fell out with him.

When I became a mum I thought and still do think Grandparents are very important people. But they shouldn't be undermining mums.

You did the right thing. Children are not stupid, if this situation repeats itself your dc will hear you telling grandma she can come and they will hear her withdrawing. Keep doing what you're doing at bathtime be strong and say you'll do it.
Your mil will get funny and sil will call but this is about you and your family. I used to think it was important I maintained a relationship with my mil but now I think why? What will my dc get from it? A lot of chocolate and the ability to ignore everyone else's feelings. They can live without that life skill, thanks.

The next few months will be tough but you'll be much happier when your relationship is more distant.

Hello

I really really dislike the MIL is over powering you and trying to take over the dC. I do not like the constant asking of the bath nor the way she reacted to you about the toddler group, she is being manipulative there and frankly its not on.

She is also showing that she has no integrity or boundaries, and does not care what she says to DC about you.

Tell her to go fuck herself. You do not want your own DC doubting you!

I worry about when DC is older and MIL will make plans with DC without asking me first. She has already done this on a few occasions but because DC is still little I can easily not agree and DC will have forgotten an hour later. But when DC is older, say 10, then how am I going to control it?

I forgot to write this on my earlier post, but the first thing DC said after MIL left was "mummy, why didn't you let grandmother come?".

I felt so upset that that was how it looked to DC and wished I had immediately said to MIL, "no, mummy is not too busy and grandmother can come but I will be coming too".

The way MIL sulked away with her head down made DC think she was upset.

How do I compete with that? I can't play games. I'm useless at it. I ended up telling DC that MIL could have come and I don't know why she didn't, and that sometimes MIL is a bit of a silly billy. I know I shouldn't have said that. It's hard explaining the situation to a little one and I don't want to lie to her.

I don't actually want MIL anywhere near my DC because I know her agenda is to be the most important adult in Dc's life. She would like to be more a mother figure to DC than I am.

I know that's not realistic and we have to see her but these are my true feelings. I'm making life very tough for myself unless I can find a way to tolerate her and stop her manipulation of DC.

I'm really sorry you've been disappointed in her, and I think if it were me, I'd have to speak to her about it... Along the lines of "if that's your idea of love, I think I'd rather do without, thanks". Then keep your distance and protect yourself. For good.

You need to be open with your husband about it, because he'll see that the relationship has changed. I'm not suggesting you block her from your life, but she has sacrificed the intimacy between the two of you, and so yes, she loses the associated privileges (informally popping in, uninhibited involvement with your children).

I'm naturally a bit of a grudge-bearer, but that's not really what I want to suggest. If she wants to make amends, by all means let her. Be nice to her, keep her close, but just don't let yourself get drawn in to expecting or needing her good opinion, because I don't think you'll ever be able to count on that.

Actually, I think you can explain directly to little children. "Grandma wanted to make me do something I didn't want to do, and when she didn't get her own way she sulked. Sometimes grown-ups behave badly.". Nothing at all wrong with telling the truth to children, they see if for themselves anyway and get confused if the adults they trust (you) try to pretend things are other than they are.

How much do you care about your relationships with MIL, and the family who will side with her? Would it be the end of the world if you didn't see them any more? It doesn't sound like you need to preserve the relationship for your dc's sake - MIL is not exactly going to be a good role model or a positive influence, is she?

x-posted - why do you have to see her? What happens if you don't let her through the door?

Why did you let your MIL keep asking your DC who he wanted to bathe her? Did you feel unable to step in? You don't need to justify your reasons, just a firm "I'll take over here, thank you."

She sounds extremely manipulative. And as for the sulky behaviour (hanging her head after you've said you'll go to the playgroup) I would call her up on it, or use it as an example as how not to behave to your DD so that she'll grow up knowing how silly granny can be.

I had to post after reading this. I'm infuriated at your mil!
As parents an important thing to remember is (mostly) we have our children's best interests at heart. What we do we do for our dc. Decent people don't badmouth family/ex ps etc. please remember not everyone has the morals and standards most of us have to make us reasonable people with our children's best interests at heart. YOU and your DH are the "gatekeepers" for your kids.
This woman undermines you and makes you look bad. It doesnt matter how much she loves your dc if she cant see and respect your position as their mum!

Bertha, yes that's exactly how I should have explained it.

DH knows everything and knows how I feel. Sadly he and his DS have been conditioned for years to believe that their parents can never be held accountable for their actions. The stock answer to everything is "just forget about it, he/she didn't mean it, you know what they are like".

He doesn't mind that I will keep my distance but I'd be fooling myself if I said that it won't cause friction between us sometimes. Christmas for example, I don't want to spend it with MIL now. I want to spend it with my DS and her family. MIL will say grandparents are more important and I kind of agree with her so how do I defend my position? I don't think MIL is a good role model to DC, she is everything I don't want my DC to be.

MrTK, yes I did feel unable to step in. When I am assertive around MIL I always end up looking like the trouble maker. SIL and FIL will say, " why couldn't you let MIL give DC her bath? It would have made her week, she lives for your DC, blah blah blah". I would look extremely mean spirited your stepping in.