To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

[ElfontheShelfIsWATCHINGYOUTOO]

If your DH is the golden boy why cant he use some of his influence here?

MYDH is treated somewhere between totally in ept and the family dogs body, they do not respect him nor a word he says. which has been a big part of the problem, if however, if had more sway with them and have been able to be more diplomatic we probably wouldnt have got to where we go too today.

MY df was rude once about my DH and I soon put him straight on all the things my DH had done for him. It not only helped to shut him up, it also helped my DF to see a different side to my DH that he had not seen before.

[Onsera3]

You poor thing. I share your frustration about not being able to stand up to your MIL as I am find myself unable to do so either.

Mine is not as bad but DH is a bit of a mother worshipper so that makes things tricky.

It's funny because in some situations I can be reasonably assertive (ie I'd politely complain if there was a problem with meal in restaurant) but in situations like this I'm not great. I think it's easier to stand up to strangers sometimes. Also, like mine, your MIL started all this with your DC when you were in a vulnerable position as a new mum so got you on the back foot. I think you've dealt with things with a lot of dignity so far and you should give yourself some credit.

The things your MIL does are not ok and you shouldn't have to put up with them. I would really consider moving away. Is this a long term option?

[Damnautocorrect]

Gosh you have my sympathies.
I have a different but similar situation. I went nc on my oh's blessing, agreement and it was his idea. Later I find he's been talking, helping and seeing this person. So, so crushing to not have that support. It's massively impacted us, I've had my bags packed over it. If I'm honest I don't think we'll recover from the betrail (he doesn't yet know I know). The other day we were due to see his family (not the nc person) and I stood in the middle of the road hoping to get hit by a car so I didn't have to go!!!! Nothing came though.

As for dcs, mines been massively heart broken about nc. It has truly truly broken his heart and emotionally set him back. Recently I changed my tact, and explained it in simple terms instead of 'not today they are busy' and he's a lot better. I wished I'd been honest from the start with him.

[Afiach]

God. How horrible for you.

I think you need to think in terms of your DC and you and keep in mind that it's that relationship that's the most important thing. If your DH won't stand up for his wife, that's his problem, and it leaves you with no alternative but to do it yourself.

So, your MiL comes over. Be civil. But be strong. "No, I'd like to give my DC a bath, thank you." "I'm putting DC to bed." She will get upset or ask you if you're tired or something, and I would just say, "You know I heard what you said to your sister about me last week, and you haven't even apologised. You hurt me, and you knew it. I can only come to the conclusion that you don't really care about hurting my feelings. I know you love DC but I am her mother and you really should have more respect for me."

The key is detachment. It sounds so difficult when you're in the middle of it all, but you can really make your brain disengage. For me, it was about thinking about myself as a unit and not as a part of a family come what may- What was fair on ME?

Good luck x

[jumperooo]

Honestly? I would confront her directly. Tell her what you and your friend heard. That you are really hurt, tell her you have allowed to let things go in the past for an easy life and you've gone out of your way to get to what you thought was a good place with her now but she has gone too far and you're not standing for blatant back stabbing and nastiness. You need to mean business and She needs to apologise or it'll be like this forever. Your DH needs to man up.

[brass]

Quite frankly if you don't stand up for yourself in your own home you don't stand a chance.

Sorry to be blunt but you do need to toughen up. She is not going to consider your feelings in the slightest.

She must learn she cannot come in uninvited and start taking over your home and children. Regardless of your DH's lack of backbone you at least need to establish this boundary with the both of them.

Unless you start being serious no one is going to take you seriously. In the long run your DC need to see that you are a strong person in your own right, not some whimpering doormat to grandparents.

[Retroformica]

Can you move further away? Not always possible.

Can you be more direct. Man up to her and other people. When you are told she doesn't mean anything by her actions and its just the way she is, tell people that this is just the way you are and you won't accept bad behaviour from her. Distance yourself and when asked just say that over the years you have heard her talk about you behind your back and so you don't trust her and want little to do with her.

You need to set ground rules. Explain to your MIL that she must speak to you beforehand and run arrangements past you and not just turn up and take over when she feels like it. She needs to fit around your routine. Don't answer the door if she turns up unannounced. Always say no, you should have rang to arrange beforehand if she demands something out of the blue. Use avoidance tactics, leave earlier for play group or go a different route.

Secondly Xmas at grandparents is not more important then DS Xmas.

[GorgeousDoris9]

Hello, I wanted to write to you because though I don't know your MIL, or you, I hope to calm the water in your relationship. I am on the other side of the fence, my son [forty years old] is himself a father of a lovely 4 year old daughter, who we are only allowed by his partner to see a couple of times a year! I know what falling out is like. Avoid it at all costs. I have no idea why the jokes are always about the wife's mother, when it seems to me the biggest fall-outs are between the husband's [or males partner's] mother and his other half. Two women at war can never be resolved by 'a pint at the pub' as it can seems to be between two men. Men hate confrontation, they just want a quiet life. Women are sooo different. They fester and chew things over...and over.
Your MIL was careless and silly, but there are many things we say to our friends [gossip] that would probably not sound very good when overheard by the subject! I can't believe you haven't remarked about some of your family or friends - or her and been horrified if they knew! As for the new baby thing. How long had she been looking forward to this event? Personally I'd be delighted to wait in the wings for the first messy few weeks as a grandma, likewise I'd happily have handed our newborn over to get a break...but we're all different, thank God.
Trust me, DO NOT FALL OUT WITH YOUR MOTHER IN LAW! Talk to her, sort it out. The other option is the road to misery which we have and are experiencing.
Be the Good Guy...your husband will love you all the more. Good luck.

[LickingMyWounds]

I think limit your own contact with her and get your dh to do the visiting with your dd in tow. My dh goes weekly and takes ds and I'm fine with this. I don't have any involvement interference in my daily life but the contact is there. I wouldn't worry too much about her coming between you, everything gets diluted as they got older. My DS has said a few things she has said lately that make me think mmmm but I haven't reacted, I am just aware. Keep your relationship good with your child and you should be ok. If she is manipulative, don't react in the same way. I know what my mil can be like and I have got wise over the years, but I also know that this behaviour makes people feel uncomfortable and suffocated and my DS will pick up on this himself I'm sure. I don't need to play the same games to keep him on my side. He knows I love him and that I am fair.

[Crystalballs]

I am going to start being more assertive with her and stop caring when she sulks.

If she does this in front of DC I will explain to DC that she is sulking because she didn't get her way.

I explained to DC this morning that MIL, and equally all other members of the family, have to ask mummy or daddy before making plans with DC. We are responsible for looking after DC and no one else.

I phoned MIL this morning and invited her to our house on Christmas Day with my DS and her family. She didn't really give me a reply but I know she will say no. But at least this way I have got in there first with Christmas Day this year. What usually happens is MIL doesn't ask us about Christmas Day, she just assumes we will go to her and begins making plans and talking about it and referring to us being at her house. We then have to say, no we're not coming, and MIL then acts as though she's heartbroken because she thought it was all going ahead. So we look like the bad guys!

[Greensleeves]

My mother is like your MIL (in fact dh and I read your posts and shuddered, especially the bit about her lying in wait outside your house). We have no contact now, but it took the police and a six month temper tantrum (hers) for her to get the message.

Stay calm and stay strong. Don't expend energy trying to build a reasonable adult relationship with her, you will screw yourself into the ground and it won't make a blind bit of difference. You'll always be at a disadvantage in any relationship with her, because you have boundaries and limits, and she doesn't.

If you do have to carry on seeing her, it will be an exercise in self-control, keep reminding yourself that she's the bonkers one, don't let her capsize your understanding of reality and suck you into her weird little world. And I agree with those who say be fairly blunt about explaining her behaviour to your dd - if she's sulking because she didn't get her own way, say so.

for you

[diddl]

"Talk to her, sort it out. The other option is the road to misery which we have and are experiencing."

Sounds as if OP is already on a miserable road & I agree with others-see of little of her as possible & stand up to her.

If she doesn't mean things-why does she bother to say them??

doris-your son is an adult, presumably he can come & see you with his daughter whenever he wants?

[SoldAtAuction]

If you feel overwhelmed in the moment, could you write her a note?
Perhaps something saying that where she means to or not, you feel she is overstepping your boundaries, and you will expect her to stop. Ask that she speak to you first about plans with the kids. Tell her you don't want them to be upset unnecessarily, so go through you first. Tell her you appreciate how much she enjoys spending time with them, and you would hate to curtail it, so lets work together.
Could you consider something like that?

[MrTumblesKnickers]

Good for you! A positive step, OP. Show her who's boss! (that's you)

[intitgrand]

To be fair I don't think there is a mother alive who doesn't think her son is a wonderful catch for any woman.

[Crystalballs]

I've just stood up to her, properly, for the first time.

MIL came over for lunch and my DD was playing up a little. Then DD really hurt herself falling off a chair and I was comforting her in the laundry room (a very tiny space). MIL came in and sat down, no need for her to come in and there was definitely not enough room for her in there. She tried to take DD out of my arms. DD was upset and wasn't ready to eat lunch but MIL kept insisting. In the end I said "leave it" but she still kept on saying "come on darling, come and eat" to DD who was still upset and just needed cuddles. I then said to MIL "you can leave us, it's ok". She said "what?!" Very indignantly, and I repeated myself. Then she very angrily said "come outside now I want to have a word with you," while gripping my arms and pulling me. I was still holding DD on my lap! I told her to take her hands off me.

She ran out crying, called her daughters, crying, etc.

My DH insisted I go and talk to her, to sort it out. I tried, and she immediately denied touching me! Just completely lied, to my face, about what had happened less than 5 minutes beforehand.

I told her about what I'd heard, the horrible things she had said about me. Again, complete denial from her. According to her she didn't say any of those things,she loves me like a daughter, she would never say anything unkind about me. I told her I thought she was unkind and dishonest. That she had hurt and upset me. She responded by saying that she now wasn't coming to our house for Christmas because I had been rude to her.

So now I'm the grinch that stole Christmas and, again, MIL is the poor victim, who won't get to spend Christmas Day with her DGC because of me, the evil DIL.

I feel so completely drained. I'm glad I stood up to her, but I have already heard her version of events via my SIL and it bears no relation to the truth. It's all my fault, she has painted me as a trouble maker who has been incredibly rude to her. Urgghh.

[Squitten]

Who cares what a mad woman, who is utterly dishonest and quite vindictive, thinks of you? Who cares what her relatives, who only want to coddle her and protect themselves, think of you?

You need to stop trying to please these people and stand up for yourself like you did. I wouldn't back down without acknowlegment that she lied and an apology.

Your DH's opinion is the only one that matters

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Get yourself a grinch hat and revel in being the one that spoiled christmas.

For her maybe but not for you.

Well done, I doubt if you will hear the last of this but stand strong.

[ziggiestardust]

My God, she sounds psychotic. There is no way I would be keeping in contact. So she tells her daughters... Oh no! What are they going to DO?! Give them your side of the story once, and once only. If they don't like it, then they can screw off too.

Tell your DH that you've had enough, and if mil doesn't acknowledge the problem, then you can't move forward. If he wants to stick up for her, then he can go and live with her. He's free to leave if he doesn't want to support you. He can go and live with mummy.

Come on OP! You can do this!

[Crystalballs]

I agree. It's a little bit of a scary path though. They are a huge family with at least 8 prominent females who will automatically take MIL's side.

Everyone in the family portrays MIL as the sweetest, kindest, most giving woman in the world.

All that will come now is that she will sulk and cry for weeks and months, and the longer her 'suffering' goes on, the worse I will be made to feel about it.

[ziggiestardust]

No, SHE ruined Christmas, she refused the invitation. She effectively assaulted you, and if anyone protests against that say 'oh yeah, a shake here, a little slap there, what's the difference eh?'

I guarantee the sisters will be dying for you to apologise because you take the heat off them.

[ziggiestardust]

Good OP! Good! I hope she cries buckets!

Look, if they side with her, then good. Fucking good. They can be the ones to suffer.

Honestly, who gives a shit about them if they treat you like this? Spend your time making lovely friends instead. You sound lovely, and your MIL sounds like a psycho bitch. You deserve better.

[Crystalballs]

Well, her daughters are her voice. They will call DH and I and guilt trip continuously (poor thing has been urging for days, hasn't left her bedroom etc) until we agree to go back to normal with MIL and act as though nothing has happened.

[ziggiestardust]

"The longer her suffering goes on, the worse I will be made to feel about it..."

Only if you choose to. You can choose to not feel bad. Print off this thread and highlight your posts. She is a BULLY! A horrible, horrible overgrown bully!

Take back your power, get fucking angry that she assaulted you whilst you were holding your child, and ignore her.

If she calls her, answer once and outline your position in 5 or 6 simple sentences. After that, hang up and do not answer further calls. If she writes letters, throw them away or send them back. If she turns up at your house, say you don't want to see her and if she won't leave, advise her you'll phone the police for harassment. And then do it.

She will never change. Ever. Ever ever EVER.