To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

6 and a baby which she does not see.

I had too many issues around first ones birth, the whole thing was smashed and ruined by my MIL it all became about her.

I refused to let the same thing happen with my second child. I am still BF too which has helped.

With my first I needed to drink to get through the situation so stopped BF early. We were put under lots of pressure.

I think you are sort of doing the right thing, esp about the staying over, we had this last time too, " granny can take you to school if you stay over etc" HOWEVER if this is going on on a regular basis I cannot see how you cannot but look like the bad guy.

This is my fear too. My fathers DM did not like my DM nad she was very close to my older sister, and my older sister said to me recently that my fathers mother did undermine my mum to her, and did come between them. My dsis was never close to my mum.

My MIL said something to my DD the last time she was there and something in my DD has changed. what she said, god knows....but she has behaved slightly differently....like she doesnt trust me, she was only there for three bloody hours and had not seen her for months before.

I wouldn't worry about your DCs preferring her when they are older.

Presumably she is 60+ at least, so by the time they are 10 she will also be 10 years older. Other grandchildren will have arrived and diluted things. Plus they will have activities to do and friends of their own. Spending time with Granny who has sweets seems great now but when they are teenagers she will be rather boring. They'll also be able to remember what they are doing the next day so you won't look like the bad guy, she'll look like silly granny who hasn't memorised a teenager's important schedule. Depending on age and illness, she may simply not have the energy she does now.

From experience on these threads, this sort of MIL also tends to be all about the cute stage. When the child grows up a bit and has it's own opinions they get bored and move on to a younger model.

Oh god Elf. This makes me not want DC alone with her ever. I'm sorry you have this situation.

It doesn't happen too regularly, it used to but she has realised it won't work. We began having a fairly good relationship and she began asking me first because we were getting along well and she knew she had a good chance of me saying yes.

But now I completely distrust her again and when she feels she is losing her grip she gets a bit fanatical. So it is in my interests to have a good relationship with her because it means she behaves normally on some occasions. But then I also think if this is how she talks about me, what's stopping her from talking about me that way to my DC one day? If she hasn't already done so.

She's only 50 actually but does get tired Farley easily. Slim chance of any other Grandchildren as SIL is 38 and not had a Bf for about 15 years.

No she's not 50 she is 57!!! But quite young for her age, keeps up with fashion and listens to pop music !!!

Yes I think its the loosing the grip that makes them go worse, no holes barred.

We have been backed into an impossible situation where my DH does not feel comfortable in their house so goes there very in frequently usually when other family is there....I would not mind my DD seeing her GM with me there to marshall it but sadly i can not now stand the woman.

The problem with my pils are they are very evangelical about they way they live they are very full of themselves, so literally for me, sending my DD there is like sending her to a cult of some form, its very very full on.

If you can be nice to her and be with her when she is with the DC that would be perfect. Then you can be warden as to what she says and does.

I also worry about the time though when she gets a phone and computer and becomes more independant and may want to talk to her.

The thing is though, mine hasnt been bothered at all about her granny, its only been the past year when dd sees her and she has gone into over drive about playing with her and saying god knows what to her....but still she doesnt ask to see her etc.

Elf does your DC (6) notice that MIL and you don't get on? Has it ever been talked about? I suppose she is still very young.

Crystal, I would not put anything past them. I am sorry to say this but I wouldnt.

I am not sure what you should say to your dc either as you do not want to drag them into this.

At least my DH is on side and knows what ours are like but still, he is of course also in denial about their evangelical nature about they way they live.

I have to be honest, I detest mine so much that if DH wasnt on side, I would have to consider leaving him.

It has crossed my mind with the arguments that the pils have caused due to the pressure they put on us. we have almost cut them off now and its lots better, have you thougt about relate or anything?

being forwarned is being for armed...how you go forwards I do not know.

what someone else said about not worrying about being the bad guy anymore is also very true here. I know I have been demonised by the family and it used to really really upset me, but i care lots less now.

I don't know whether to try and tell DC that MIL is not really one of mummy's fans. I think I would cause anxiety for DC. But i can't think of how else I can try to prevent MIL coming between DC and I.

I would like to take Mil to relate!

DH's family like to label everyone. So this sister is 'selfish', and this aunt is 'a trouble maker', etc. They will have a label for me too I'm sure. If DC is spending time with SIL and MIL without me there then DC is bound to hear the way they refer to me and talk about me.

Oh the future is not looking good with all of this. I really feel I need to do something now before DC is older.

Perhaps I could say to MIL that because I have heard the way she speaks about me I don't trust her not to do it in front of my DC. If SIL wanted to spend time with DC alone though then MIL would attend without my knowledge. This has happened in the past.

YES It has Elf, as once she asked why I wasn't going to Mils house, when her and DH were going, and DH said granny doesn't like mummy!

She then told this to MIL and whatever MIL said the next time she saw her, has made my DD act funny with me, It was totally wrong of my DH to say this, but even worse, it has made my MIL say something to DD.

My strategy now is to try and really not talk about them at all, esp not infront of DD but this is much easier now we hardly see them, ( I have not been to mils for 6 years since dds birth). Since we have a pretty clear strategy on dealing with them, it has cut down arguments also. which is a great thing.

We are not seeing them over xmas, we get enormous pressure to get DD there every single xmas, we are bombarded with emails and call and texts and even when DH sayds he will go ( he went twice last year in the xmas week) it wasn't enough....so this year we are telling them we are away. I am happy for DD not to see mil again....its whether my DH caves into the pressure.

its an intolerable situation and like a worst nightmare really, someone that hates your guts wanting to turn your own small children agaisnt you.

I can sense and feel my MILS hate to me nearly all the time!

Yes it has crystal not Elf!

Crystal I really really^ feel for you,.

I have the awful SIL as well to contend with.

You could say that but would she care? She doesn't like you or care about you....and just steam roller ahead with the gloves off.

relate really did help me and dh.

Could you say to your DD as someone unthread said, that sometimes grown ups behave badly, and that it is never ok to say bad things about someone else especially when they are not there?

Have you asked your DD what MIL said?

No she would just sulk and cry until everyone feels sorry enough for her to fight her corner with me. That's the way it usually goes.

What keeps the peace with us is when I tolerate MIL, don't really discuss her and comply with seeing them for all special occasions. If I go along with all this I can usually manage to get out of any trips MIL tries to arrange without me there very amicably. I either say we're busy or invite myself along.

Actually I could just turn the tables on MIL and say I would love to come along to everything and if she protests, she will look like the bad guy who is excluding mummy.

So let her label you Crystal. Let her sulk and cry. So what?

And you don't have to let any of them spend time with your dc without you or dh if you don't want to. It really is up to you.

My MIL used to call up ranting and raving down the phone and we used to try to reason with her and pacify her. So she was getting loads of attention for her bad behaviour and kept doing it. Someone advised me to stop and I never thought it would work but amazingly, she never does it any more. We just changed the subject, deflected, walked away, breezily said oh sorry MIL the baby's crying, got to go.

It is in your power to change things here.

I tried after DD was rude to me when we collected her, she was so horrid to me, it was something else.

MY DH is going to ask her but keeps forgetting. BUt what ever it was, it was damaging. Hopefully she is young enough to forget it but I do not trust that woman one bit.

Mine is a known cryer too, bursts into tears all the time, she told me once, as though this made her a kind person " I cry very easily^.

Crystal, sometimes kicking up a huge stink isn't a bad thing. Sometimes revolution is needed to change the status quo, in the earlier days DH and I did a few things out of fear of upsetting, we would set a boundary and then for one reason or another it was broken....which is the worst thing we could have done, then we opened ourselves for more abuse and bullying.

now DH is standing firmer and not being manipulated even by the granny....i think they are finally getting that we dont want to see them.

I keep saying it but Its true my heart is going out to you. Especially as you do not have your own mother there to back you up. I know for a fact this situation would be lots easier if we had my mums house to go too...and her influence and values and being to balance out MILS>

My situation is made so much worse that I do not have my own camp to back me up or retreat to as it were.

Thank you Elf, and mine to you, it's a horrible situation and I completely understand the difference it would make if there was another MIL to balance things out and highlight her bad behaviour.

Shoewhore, with the sulking, it literally can go on for weeks until DH is so unhappy that he gives in. It's horrible when every time he speaks to a member of his family all they do is plead for him to make up with his mum. They really lay on the guilt trip about her being heartbroken and crying for days.

It is ridiculous that she gets her own way by doing this but no matter what I cannot get DH to see it is wrong of her. He just feels sorry for her because he knows she doesn't have the capacity to deal with it any other way. MIL really is the most immature older woman I have ever met.

bloody hell!! shocking behaviour. can't you just break all unsupervised contact, only allow your dcs to see mil when YOU are with them? not just dh?

this must be absolutely dreadful.

If your DH has changed his tune and thinks it is 'between the women' then he won't mind you dealing with it as you see fit will he? In which case I would have as little contact with her as possible

Who cares if the rest of the family wade in with their opinions? If they don't care about you enough to respect your feelings then why should you care if they think you're the one in the wrong

Be icily polite, smile sweetly and don't let her do anything you are not comfortable with. If in doubt an attitude of ' oh dd, isnt granny being silly' with a tinkly laugh works well

and I would be tempted to tell dcs that actually I don't like granny as she says nasty things about me!

kids are tough and like the truth. be honest. serve them right.

they may as well get the true picture from mom.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour yes agree absolutely.