To feel utterly depressed about my MIL?

[Crystalballs]

I'm afraid this is long but I should give some background to put things into context.

DH and I have been together 8 years and have a child. My mother in law pretends to my face that she loves and supports me but it has never felt very genuine. Despite this, over the last 2 years I have started to trust her and believed she had grown to love me in some way. Obviously I'll never be one of her own and I know that, but I felt we had a good relationship.

Yesterday my friend and I overheard her making some bitchy remarks about me (we had taken my DC to visit her at her place of work, and she thought we had left when we were around the corridor after using the bathroom). We overheard MIL speaking to her sister (my Aunty in law), she said that I wasted her son's money (I don't, and one third of our household income is from my earnings), and that I should be more than happy with my lot as I've done so well in marrying her son compared to the rest of my family who have nothing.

Just 5 minutes beforehand MIL had told me she loved me. I feel so hurt and depressed by all this. It's as though we've regressed back to 6 years ago when I first became pregnant and had DC. MIL found it very difficult when DC was born and accused me of keeping her from DC because I wouldn't let her give DC first bath, let her look after DC alone and stay the night at her house at a couple of weeks old etc. I felt at the time very threatened by how much MIL thought of herself as 'mother' to my child. She even referred to my DC as her 'firstborn'.

DH is very supportive of me however it's difficult for him to act on this. The last time he did catch MIL speaking in this way about me, he confronted her but she burst into tears and basically sulked for one month whilst we had numerous phone calls from my sisters in law pleading for DH to apologise to MIL and stop her feeling so sad. In the end we gave in.

If DH or I confront MIL with this latest event it's 100% likely she will again sulk and make herself the victim. I obviously feel like I want I give her a very wide berth for a while but there's only so long I can do this before the sisters in law get involved and all side with MIL because they feel sorry of her.

I am completely fed up and feel so stupid for believing MIL thought well of me. I can't cope with this stupid childish woman any longer.

[Aeroflotgirl]

You dont have to go to the relatives house, stay at home. I would seriously distance yourselves, they are starting to cause problems in your marriage. I would have little to do with them as you can. have them round once baby comes, but be on your guard and be assertive, grow a vagina

[DizzyKipper]

Get your DH to ask them whether they really consider their pet more important than you not being on your own if and when you should go into labour. I'm not surprised you feel disappointed about them getting so drunk when seeing the DC, that's pretty appalling behaviour!

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Stop it. Stop it now.

You are pregnant and worrying about this is not good for your baby.

Whatever they say, let it roll off your back. You are a graceful swan, not rising to the bait. Fuck the lot of them and look after yourself.

[Aeroflotgirl]

You and dh need to call the shots and stand up to them, if they start stamping feet distance yourselves.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Your dh obligation is to you, he is nit going to Scotland, they are engineering this so you will be alone if you go into labour, very nasty.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Right stop making any effort with her, she is a two faced cow who is very manipulative. You and dh have to take no crap stand up to her.

[BornFreeButinChains]

Just struggling to understand what is more urgent family business than a baby coming into the world imminently

[Finney2]

Surely your husband hasn't said yes to going to Scotland? If he has, it's him you need to be talking to about why on earth he would put some exaggerated by MIL urgent family matter above the birth of his own child.

While I am staggered at the level of manipulation from your ILs, I also think your husband needs to take much more responsibility for allowing them to treat you like this. Surely by now he can see that having any kind of relationship with them is damaging to your mental health?

Good luck OP. I fear you're going to need it xx

[ohfourfoxache]

You need to not care what happens next - easier said than done, but she has too much power over you.

Re going to Scotland - no fucking way! Your DH needs to put on his big boy pants and tell her no.

[BornFreeButinChains]

it's just the waiting to see what is coming next

be proactive and stop waiting and start taking control of your own lives.

[BornFreeButinChains]

wow he is going to leave you in labour coz dad says so?


WTF ...

Agree with Funky why the hell isnt your DH saying this, its like they are making him choose between you and the family by asking him to go away this is the perfect time to say FUCK OFF.

Also why are you/he etc answering calls ? why are you letting them in?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

Your husband can say ' 'no'. I am not going to Scotland when my wife is due to go into labour and no you haven't rung her, I am looking at her phone as we speak. Why are you being like this mum?'

[Crystalballs]

Updating, as writing this down is helping me to keep a clear head. We are about to have a baby and I have no idea what the next few weeks will bring.

My PIL have asked that DH fly to Scotland for a few days to tend to some urgent business. PIL could easily attend to this but feel their son should do so. Another family member with no obligations could also go, but they insist DH should go. He would be somewhere remote and at least a day of travelling time away should I go into labour.

On top of this, MIL has called DH and told him she has been calling me and I have not answered her calls. She has not called me, at all, not one call.

So MIL is now reverting to plain lies to attempt to paint a picture to my DH. Does she think about our children in all of this? Horrible atmosphere in our house for the past few days. Not because DH and I have fallen out, it's just the waiting to see what is coming next.

[Crystalballs]

Mscoconut thank you for your kind words. In particular for reminding me that my DC are not responsible for MIL achieving a balanced mental state. I do need to keep these things at the forefront of my mind at all times!

[MsCoconut]

crystal reading through this thread makes my heart go out to you.

To reiterate some of the advice above, I think you need to keep remembering that MIL is the only one responsible for her own happiness. This means:

1. You are not responsible for your MIL happiness.
   
   
2. Your DC are also not responsible for your MIL happiness. (And anyone who suggests that your DC are responsible for her achieving a balanced mental state should have this pointed out to them.)
   
   
3. Your DH, SIL and FIL are also not be responsible for her happiness. (Although it seems like they believe they are.)
   
   
4. Any suggestion that you and your DC are the cause of all your MIL suffering should be shot down immediately. (By all accounts MIL was not a happy-go-lucky person who suddenly underwent a change of personality into a sulky, manipulative and unhappy woman the minute she heard about her first DCs conception. She was already like this before you were on the scene!)
   
   It sounds like you have made a good effort at setting boundaries and trying to distance yourself from the situation and I hope that you can stay strong and find a way of not letting all these negative emotions from the people around you get the best of you.

[Crystalballs]

Thank you dizzy. It does help a great deal if your partner can see what's going on. It's taken a long time for my DH to be on my side, and for others to point it out to him. But mostly he just doesn't want to have to deal with it.

It's fascinating how different families operate. My IL's just ignore all bad behaviour from all blood relatives. If you are not blood related though you will never be good enough. I can see the same pattern with anyone who has married into the family.

[DizzyKipper]

I'm not through it unfortunately, but try to keep contact with MIL minimal. Having a partner who can see what's going on and is willing to stand up for themselves/you/the kids is also pivotal - I'm lucky that DH has never hesitated to tell his mum how it is, even though she'll never agree and uses it as more fuel for the fire.

[ohfourfoxache]

How did you get through it, Dizzy? Any advice? (Watching with interest as my mil is similar)

[DizzyKipper]

Blimey, this thread brings up a lot of memories and ongoing concerns/battles. You seem very resilient crystal, keep strong

[Crystalballs]

Yes we get a lot of pretending nothing has happened! I find it so odd that they never actually address any problems or issues, just pretend it didn't occur. How do they ever sort anything out or clear the air?

SIL says I need to 'forgive' but I think she confuses forgiveness with not facing reality and pretending everything is fine if you sweep it under the carpet.

[ohfourfoxache]

I think that when there is obvious hatred it can make things very difficult for dc. My father's mother obviously disliked my mum a lot ( and blatantly favoured me over my little sister) and eventually I utterly despised her for it.

What I can't understand is why these people can't see that their behaviour has/will have consequences.