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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think these childless women should mind their fucking business

261 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 07:01

Warning - fuming.

Partner went out tonight for work, came home late, ds got up at 1am then 3am, I asked partner for help as he wouldn't stop crying.
He then turns to me and said he had been talking to some women who had said he shouldn't have to help at night as he works Hmm talk about sisterhood.
To say I was pissed off is an understatement and an argument ensued. He went and slept on the sofa.
Wibu to go and flick these women in the face along with P?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 14:44

Sounds nicey nice to have sharing spreadsheet but in reality her dp earns the family wage
So that is his responsibility and the baby is hers
Or they look at put baby with cm/nursery allow op to up her work hours

BillyBanter · 09/11/2013 14:50

Did you miss the bit where I said 'once work is taken into consideration' or the bit where I said 'doesn't have to be 50/50'.

the responsibility for the baby is not just hers 24/7.

It's a good starting point for the discussion they need to have for the OP's sake. And it gives a more accurate representation than just them both 'feeling' like they do the most.

MollyHooper · 09/11/2013 14:50

Actually the baby is both of their responsibility when they are both at home.

When her DH is at work fair enough.

FreudiansSlipper · 09/11/2013 14:59

your partner is the problem

he may have these moans, others for whatever agree with him, could be to shut up the moaning minnie of the office or they feel sorry for him or feed into his poor me routine but he is using them agreeing with him to back up his selfish decisions, why would he need to justify himself if he did not think at some level he is being a twat

BoneyBackJefferson · 09/11/2013 15:04

I do think that its quite funny that you have written a thread doing exactly what you are complaining about your husband doing, Grin

BillyBanter · 09/11/2013 15:27

Well, yes if women are allowed a moan, and the empirical evidence from MN suggests they are, then so are men.

It seems you both have different perceptions of who is worse off. You need to sort that out.

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 17:46

I'm not bitching about him to other men out in a bar wining a dining while he's at home.

Can I point out something that many smug posters have missed? That night that I needed some support I literally felt like I could have hurt ds as I was so sleep deprived from two weeks of teething hell. I was about to lose it and was crying for him to help me.

Should I have not asked because I'm the sahm and he works? What a crock of shit. All of the smug posters saying I need to just get on with it, please do one. I do everything in this house and during the night and P gets lie ins. The one fucking time I said please help me and he ignored me then turned and said what those twats said.

RTFT

OP posts:
Salbertina · 09/11/2013 18:05

Of course you need support, take care OP. its not easy.

Handbagsonnhold · 09/11/2013 18:27

Op You do need support....you need to sit down and sort out some serious issues with him....of course you shouldn't be doing everything....and you need to stop. I understand I remember people saying to me 'have a nap when they sleep I'm the day' ....as if....I never did either. You sound like you are on mat leave? Certainly needs sorting before you go back....good luck x

whatever5 · 09/11/2013 18:32

I would have been really annoyed if anybody had suggested to DP that I should do all the work in the night just because I didn't have a paid job. They don't know your personal circumstances and it really is none of their business.

Anyway, I don't get why it is fine for the SAHM to be sleep deprived but not the working parent. Do SAHM not drive cars? I certainly couldn't sleep in the day time when my children were babies. They only slept for about an hour at time during the day. If DH had refused to share getting up in night with our first child, I wouldn't have had a second child.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 09/11/2013 18:35

Yy whatever. Not to mention the detrimental effect on health, mental and physical, of sleep deprivation,

stopgap · 09/11/2013 18:36

In no other job would you be expected to work 24-hour shifts, seven days a week. Luckily my husband agrees that days he works in an office, I'm at home, and nights are to be split equally.

custardo · 09/11/2013 18:38

you had me at " my dp works from home"

for me the even split of work would be

you both work during the day - you childcare -him whatever he does

rest of the time is split evenly

or tell him he can kiss your arse, look after the kid and you will go WOTH

temporarilyjerry · 09/11/2013 18:41

^ this ^

He has had two evenings out this week. How many have you had, OP.

You are so nbu.

Caitlin17 · 09/11/2013 18:47

Depends if there are more than one and/ or only he works full time outside the home.

If only him, then, to be honest you have at least the opportunity of catching a nap during the day, he can't.
If you both work then this has to be shared.
I never expected OH to deal with during the night issues when I was on maternity leave.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 09/11/2013 18:51

OP cannot take a nap because the baby only sleeps for 30 mins in the day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2013 18:55

I wouldn't leave my worst enemy alone, crying, unable to cope if they asked for help with a baby. Let alone MY baby, let alone MY partner, who I theoretically love.

The competitive misery, martyrdom and handmaidenness of MN sometimes really gets me down. She needed help, FFS.

Caitlin17 · 09/11/2013 18:56

Couldn't she take a nap at the same time? Maybe it was just me but when I wasn't in paid work I took this as part of my "job"( although I did go back full time fairly quickly)

Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 19:01

Exactly custardo I agree. He slinks next door after waking up 5 minutes previously and sits at his desk still in his pjs.

If he was commenting every day, leaving early coming home late I wouldn't expect him to help out at night as I know how stressful that is.

He's out all day tomorrow with his friends so has had a lovely weekend. I really need a break to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 19:01

Thank you MrsT :(

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfWho · 09/11/2013 19:02

A 30 minute nap won't make up for being up 3 times a night over and over!

TheDoctrineOfWho · 09/11/2013 19:02

Yy mrsT.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/11/2013 19:05

I think the people on this thread who are all "couldn't she just..." had sleeping children. DD didn't sleep through until she was 2 yo. Every two hours waking at least for two years. When she was sick, teething or growing it was worse. 30 minutes during the day to nap wouldn't have cut it. Thankfully I am not married to a cunt.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 09/11/2013 19:11

I'm thankful DS1 was a great sleeper and DS2 crap - if it had been the other way round, I might have thought it was because of my increased expertise, instead of blind luck!

I also put my misery with DS2 at least partly down to sleep deprivation. DH was desperate to help me, (as part of that whole "for better, for worse" thing...) and when we went away at 5 months, had DS2 in with him and did all the wakings for a week, for example.

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 19:21

No one is smug,you simply dont like the responses op.theres a difference
So what next?id say you leaving and staying at your mums is significant
Do you think this will resolve?do you like each other