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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think these childless women should mind their fucking business

261 replies

TheCrumpetQueen · 09/11/2013 07:01

Warning - fuming.

Partner went out tonight for work, came home late, ds got up at 1am then 3am, I asked partner for help as he wouldn't stop crying.
He then turns to me and said he had been talking to some women who had said he shouldn't have to help at night as he works Hmm talk about sisterhood.
To say I was pissed off is an understatement and an argument ensued. He went and slept on the sofa.
Wibu to go and flick these women in the face along with P?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 13:32

Op clearly unhappy with their arrangement,and her dp being main earner
If both work equal hours then they do need to revise the arrangement
Clearly op has issues with her and do relationship,that's the real rub here.not who gets up

TheDoctrineOfWho · 09/11/2013 13:34

Is it reasonable for anyone to get up night after night for 10 months, when there is another adult in the house?

Also, please read the OP's posts at least - her baby sleeps for 30 mins so no, she can't catch up on sleep in the day.

OP, rather than a cleaner, how about a childminder for a couple of mornings a week, if you are trying to work from home also?

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 13:39

Reasonable if one adult works,and other doesn't yes

trixymalixy · 09/11/2013 13:40

The way we worked it was that I did nights during the week and DH did weekend nights and got a nap during the day. Yes it's difficult having had no sleep and looking after a child during the day, but your DH's job is your income so more important that he is functioning properly while at work.

You need to sit down and discuss a way for you to get a break from night feeds.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 09/11/2013 13:41

Sm, to never have a full night's sleep for nearly a year?

MollyHooper · 09/11/2013 13:45

Why wouldn't an adult be able to function properly due to a broken sleep every once in a while?

Some people (I'm not saying you trixy) have very self important attitudes.

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 13:46

If one choses a traditional set up man work,woman housewife then yes she get up
A squally baby is hard going,yes. It's exhausting

BigBoobiedBertha · 09/11/2013 13:47

It is not unreasonable to expect the father of your child to help you with that child in exceptional circumstances when you are on your knees and haven't slept. That is what it all boils down to.

It doesn't matter who does what on a 'normal' night, who earns what money, does what proportion of the housework, or any of that guff. What matters is whether one partner is able to show a shred of human kindness when the other partner is clearly struggling. Because the OP's DH listened to the silly women in the office who have no idea what they are talking about, he felt he was in the right in not being a decent human being and helping out somebody he is supposed to love and help with his child. What it boils down to is the selfishness/laziness/thoughtlessness of one partner towards another and that is not a good starting point from which to negotiate any split of responsibilities. Indeed, being a decent human being shouldn't actually need negotiating and that is the big problem here.

MollyHooper · 09/11/2013 13:49

If a couple chooses to have a baby then they need to get on with it, not talk about expectations or roles.

This isn't a business arrangement it's a family.

trixymalixy · 09/11/2013 13:58

Molly, sometimes you have no choice to go to work and do your best to function on no sleep. Both DH and I had to take it in turns when I went back to work full time.

But when I was off on mat leave I didn't want DH having to do an hour of driving each way to work and then have to function on no sleep when I saw a lot of the point of being on mat leave was to cope with looking after a baby at all hours.

We found a balance that worked for us with me doing all midweeks (unless I was really struggling when DH would get up) and DH doing weekends.

It just seemed like the common sense way to split it.

morethanpotatoprints · 09/11/2013 14:03

My dh didn't do any night time feeds or childcare unless he was coming in from work at the right time, or didn't have to be up early in the morning. He was working, I was at home and didn't expect him to.
How do you know these women were childless?
You're dp should help out if he isn't going to work next day and should give you a break when he can, but if you are at home, the lions share should be you surely?

starlight1234 · 09/11/2013 14:07

The issue isn't with this woman..She can have what ever opinion she wants... She may feel differently when she has her own.

What arrangement you come to as a couple if between yourselves...

Maybe he is expressing how tired he was..I am sure a 3 am argument has left you both even more tired..

Maybe you should talk to your husband but about how he feels

morethanpotatoprints · 09/11/2013 14:07

Scottishmummy
Not heard from you in ages, hope you are well. Grin

MollyHooper · 09/11/2013 14:10

I think I'm being misunderstood here.

The fact that your husband would help if you were struggling is my point. Some are arguing that it's just tough luck if you need a hand as your husband has work in the morning.

No balance. Just duties and expectation regardless of how you feel.

popmusic84 · 09/11/2013 14:13

Well I am a mum of 3. I run a business from home too. Although probably do 5 hours psr week on average. Not sure how time consuming your business is op.
I have a dh who just doesn't do night wakings. Ok baby is breastfed so I cosleep. Only way I could function.
I really resent the if you are a sahm you can have slow days but the superior wohm parent cannot.
With 3 dc I am on the from 7am until 10pm most days. Dh from 6am to 7pm so actually he gets the better deal.
Yes I can take it easier between 9.30 and 2.30 in between mammoth school and activity runs.
I would be just as likely to crash my car through sleep deprivation as the wohm parent. Yet I am suppossed to do all night waking according to some.
In your case op he doesn't commute so should help when times are tough.

bishboschone · 09/11/2013 14:15

I never made my husband get up in the night , he has a stressful job and is the breadwinner . I have never been one for sleeping in the day but looking after a baby in your pjs if necessary is a lot easier than he does . He needs to be alert and functioning . It seems I am in the minority though. My dh has always been very willing to help with everything so maybe that's the difference . If it was his choice I would probably feel
Differently .

popmusic84 · 09/11/2013 14:16

Although running around after a mobile 1 year old who only sleeps for 1 hour a day on average isn't that slow.

flatmum · 09/11/2013 14:23

hang on? didnt this happen last night i.e a Friday night? So he's not working today? I think he is being a bit pathetic.

That said when I go out I go to sleep and ignore everything safe in the knowledge that DP is in charge :) so I kind of do the same for him when he goes out and drinks. No one really should be drunk and dealing with a screaming baby in the middle of the night in an ideal world! But then we both work and it is reasonably 50:50 so no one feels hard done by!

I do think the childless women should shut up though - if its any help I do find that karma does have a way of coming back and biting these women on the arse when they get older / have children / husband shags secratary etc etc

Maternity leave is a tough one as you clearly dont have to get up in the morning and he does - still think he should help out though, but maybe not on pissed up nights?

scottishmummy · 09/11/2013 14:23

On. The contrary not discussing role and expectation has her staying at mum and him on sofa
You need a open,frank conversation about tasks,expectations to avoid rows

MollyHooper · 09/11/2013 14:27

I think him being a prat caused that rather than lack of discussion.

flatmum · 09/11/2013 14:28

oh and i'm with you - I am self-employed and when I worked from home trying to juggle everything, look afer 3 kids, cook, clean, take calls, work, answer the door, etc etc etc that was a damn sight bloody harder than getting on the train into the City every day and being able to do one thing at a time, sat in a quiet office, able to have a cup of tea and go to lunch whenever I want.

BigBoobiedBertha · 09/11/2013 14:31

Bishboschone -imagine if you FH refused to help though. If he wouldn't help even if you were on your knees with exhaustion and you did it every single night without any help at all and no prospect of even handing over a miserable baby for even five minutes. That is what the OP faced. Her partner isn't prepared to help in exceptional circumstances. That is the issue here.

I was a SAHM and I did virtually everything too ( with no naps - DS1 thought day time sleeping was only for the weak). I would have been seriously pissed off like the OP if I couldn't hand the baby over if I was desperate because he told me it wasn't his job. Thankfully my DH is a decent human being who recognised my need for sleep or even just a rest trumped his occasionally regardless of who earns what.

Kewcumber · 09/11/2013 14:39

It is not unreasonable to expect the father of your child to help you with that child in exceptional circumstances when you are on your knees and haven't slept. That is what it all boils down to.

Quite - I wouldn't expect this to need a discussion in advance - just normal human decency. IN fact if a friend woke me up in the middle of the night and said "I'm not coping can you help" I probably would.

BillyBanter · 09/11/2013 14:39

I'm repeating myself a lot on this across threads.

Do a calendar/diary of a typical week hourly slots, line down the middle, one column for him, one for you and what each is doing in each slot side by side. How it is now. You both need to agree that this is a fair representation first of all. This can be part of a discussion (when both of you are awake and have the space) about splitting the childcare and housework evenly after work is taken into consideration and then time for sleep and free time for each of you and maybe even time for two of you as a couple! How you would like it to be. This does not have to be split 50/50 but you need to find something that leaves you both about the same amount of knackered, that you both agree is fair and feasible.

bishboschone · 09/11/2013 14:43

It doesn't say that in the original post and I haven't read the rest .

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