Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding baby's surname

175 replies

Eminybob · 06/11/2013 20:23

DP and I are currently TTC and are having a very heated debate and I'd like to know if iabu or is he?

As we are not married he assumes our children will take his name. Although I am not 100% against this I would like to have a discussion with him about possibly going double barrelled or going with my name.

Aibu or is he?

He won't even entertain my options and is adamant that he gets his way. He says that taking dad's name is "the done thing" and the vast majority of couples would do that. I don't know as most people I know with kids are married.

OP posts:
kinkyfuckery · 06/11/2013 20:25

Have you discussed double-barrelling or not? You say you would like to discuss this, then go on to say he 'won't entertain your options'?

Neither of you ABU (except in refusal to discuss it). It's a very emotive subject. Is there a particular reason that you don't want baby to automatically have his name? Have you spoken to him about it?

RhinestoneCowgirl · 06/11/2013 20:25

As you're not married I would assume that DC would have your name, but think that's more a custom than a rule.

I am married but didn't take DH's surname, the DC have DH's surname and I don't have a problem with it (I know they're mine, I was there!)

IamGluezilla · 06/11/2013 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harticus · 06/11/2013 20:27

He won't even entertain my options and is adamant that he gets his way

Why would you want to breed with someone like that?

OHforDUCKScake · 06/11/2013 20:27

Actually, its usual that the kids take the unmarried mums name.

gemmal88 · 06/11/2013 20:27

My daughter has my OH's name and so will I once number two is here and we finally get married!

I personally think kids should have their father's name, that is the "family" name traditionally.

CocacolaMum · 06/11/2013 20:31

you cant really accuse him of BU if you are imagining what his response might be?

What are your reasons for your baby not taking his name? I gave my dc my the boyfriends name but I knew one day we would get married so it seemed a bit of a no brainer - my brother is having a baby with his girlfriend and they are in your situation. She had considered giving the child her surname purely because she is the last of them IYKWIM, but my brother really wants dc to have his surname. I suggested going with his surname but using her surname as a middle name?

Onlyconnect · 06/11/2013 20:31

My two DCs have my surname. I'm sorry to say I find it quite unusual- in fact I don't think I know anyone else with children who have their mother's name.
Your DH is being unreasonable not to discuss it, and he is being unreasonable to rely on the 'done thing' argument. I don't think 'done thing' is any argument at all. He really needs to come up with something better than that!
Could you offer to toss a coin?

Liara · 06/11/2013 20:31

If you are not married then 'the done thing' would be for the children would take your name.

If he isn't prepared to talk about it then he IBU.

I am married but did not take dh's name. When I got pg, we talked about it and decided that given that double-barrelling would be cruel to our dc, we would both change our names to a shortened version of what the double barrelled name would be.

It's called compromise, and if he 'won't even entertain' it then he is not fit to be a father.

bundaberg · 06/11/2013 20:31

he is being a dick!

he won't even listen to what you have to say? that's really out of order!

I am unmarried and we double-barrelled our names

TooTabooToBOOOOO · 06/11/2013 20:32

I had similar with DS.

He is double-barralled as I will never give up my surname - it is who I am, I am 'Too Smith' not 'Too Jones'. As it happened ex and I split prior to DS birth so I wouldn't have been giving up my name anyway if we had married for example.

So DS is TooBoy Jones-Smith

My mum was horrified, double-barralling in the working classes smacks of delusions of grandeur apparently Grin

ExP assumed I would just give DS my name - I don't know why he thought this, I'm not going to deny him the right to pass down his surname to his only child.

As strongly as you feel about this, your P feels the same way. However, it would get my back up to be told that the reasoning is because "it's the done thing". I don't like being told what to do, by societel norms or any bugger else Blush

Yama · 06/11/2013 20:33

We have two dc. Dc1 has my name and dc2 has dh's name. People on Mumsnet seem to think that this will build a bridge between them but they are very close.

They can choose to change their name when they are older. I'm guessing they won't though.

So, your partner is being unreasonable by being demanding.

CMOTDibbler · 06/11/2013 20:33

He is BU for not having a proper discussion about it.

DH and I are married, both still have our original names, and ds is myname-hisname. We like it that way as he is a product of both of us

SparklyFucker · 06/11/2013 20:33

If I wasn't married there's not a cat in hell's chance I'd give my child any other surname other than my own. The implications for the future are considerable and I'd want to be protecting my options.

Original poster
Eminybob · 06/11/2013 20:34

He doesn't want to double barrel as he just doesn't like it. He seems to think it would be somehow confusing for the child (Confused)

In an ideal world I'd like us all to have the same name but marriage is not a massive priority at the moment so that's not going to happen any time soon. I just feel a bit funny about having a different name to the rest of my family.

OP posts:
sheldor · 06/11/2013 20:36

I regret not giving my kids my last name.10 years later we still arnt married and everyone else,Step Dil etc share my dcs last name and it hurts

Mylovelyboy · 06/11/2013 20:36

Blimey reading this is like a carbon copy of what i went through with my ex-dp 13 years ago. We were not married and ex-dp wanted our ds to have his surname. I suggested a compromise of double-barrel name. He went mental and said 'not the done thing'. Anyway cut long story short. In the end i went to registry on my own. Had to register ds without the father there. Therefore ds then had ONLY my surname. Anyway 4 years later ex-dp agreed to double-barrel and we got it all changed. Quite easily I might add.

carabos · 06/11/2013 20:37

As he's a traditional sort of bloke, he will understand when you explain to him that, traditionally, if you were married, your DC would take your husband's name and if unmarried, your father's.

What you need to do is work out which side of tradition you are going to come down on, as either way (assuming you have your father's surname) the DCs are getting a name handed down in the male line.

CocacolaMum · 06/11/2013 20:37

then give the child your name. It would be a damned site easier to change to his if you did get married than to convince him to let you change it to yours if you wanted to do that later.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 06/11/2013 20:41

I really dislike the assumption that all children should automatically be given the father's surname, regardless of the parents' marital status. Fuck that.

My DS has my surname. And thank god I made the sensible decision to do that because his 'dad' soon chose not to have anything to do with him and I'm bringing him up as a single parent. Not saying that'll happen to you, OP, but as a bare minimum I'd double-barrel it. Remember, as you're unmarried, your partner can't register the birth alone - you have to go - and the baby's name is your final choice.

Although I agree with Harticus and have to ask why you're considering having a family with someone who seems to care so little about you that he won't even take your feelings into consideration?

Felyne · 06/11/2013 20:42

I kept my surname when we married. My husband 'doesn't like hyphenated names'. Our kids have both our surnames, not hyphenated. I can think of no good reason why my surname is less worth maintaining than my husband's. In fact in my family I am the only one of this generation who has had a boy so if we were being 'traditional' than that's my surname gone for good...

pianodoodle · 06/11/2013 20:42

We gave DH's surname but only because we were definitely getting married and I would be taking his name.

If I hadn't been sure that we would get married I'd have wanted the same surname as dcs so would have wanted my own name or maybe a mixture of 2 surnames. Not double barrelled though but that's just personal preference.

He is being unreasonable to just assume and refuse to discuss the matter though.

In that scenario I'd be tempted to start using contraception again tbh...

Mim78 · 06/11/2013 20:43

There is no specific "done thing" imo - all the options are open. Therefore he IBU not to discuss it. Traditionally, if you were not married children would have your name (mother's name) but I think you can give any name you like nowadays.

I am married but didn't change my name. DD has husband's name but only because I wasn't bothered - as we are married and of course I am on the birth certificate as her mother so it doesn't make any difference legally. We could have gone double-barreled but our surnames together sound a bit makey-uppy trying-to-be-posh-when-you're-not.

You might not feel so much like TTC if he is being so unreasonable about this!

ConfusedPixie · 06/11/2013 20:45

I don't think I'd want to tackle worth somebody who didn't even consider my side. How is it you have gotten to this point without discussing it, or if curiosity? Dp and I have discussed this repeatedly and won't be having kids for a few years yet.

Mim78 · 06/11/2013 20:45

Also, the best surname in my family is my Mum's surname, but we couldn't really have gone for that without people thinking we'd gone loopy, as not my surname either.