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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding baby's surname

175 replies

Eminybob · 06/11/2013 20:23

DP and I are currently TTC and are having a very heated debate and I'd like to know if iabu or is he?

As we are not married he assumes our children will take his name. Although I am not 100% against this I would like to have a discussion with him about possibly going double barrelled or going with my name.

Aibu or is he?

He won't even entertain my options and is adamant that he gets his way. He says that taking dad's name is "the done thing" and the vast majority of couples would do that. I don't know as most people I know with kids are married.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 06/11/2013 20:47

I can understand men feeling strongly that they want their child to have their name. It's not like they have much else to connect them to a newborn who only needs its mother when they haven't had much chance to parent yet.

Maybe being married is more of a priority then you both think at the moment, as this clearly matters to both of you.

Original poster
Eminybob · 06/11/2013 20:48

Thank you for all the advice. He's convinced that "at least 80%" of unmarried couples give their kids dad's name so I can show him that's he's wrong!

To be fair on him since I told him I was posting on here he's back-tracked a little and is being slightly less of a dick about it.

He's just said to me now if we call them my surname he gets to decide on first and middle names. Pretty sure he's joking.

OP posts:
curlew · 06/11/2013 20:48

"If I wasn't married there's not a cat in hell's chance I'd give my child any other surname other than my own. The implications for the future are considerable and I'd want to be protecting my options." What are the implications?

I am one who thinks that taking a men's name, married or not, is daft, and the only sensible thing is to hyphenate or choose a new family name. But I cav't see what th considerable implications for the future of choosing otherwise would be.

TippiShagpile · 06/11/2013 20:49

I think that if you have children with someone and you don't have your dh/dp's surname then the children should have your surname.

Viviennemary · 06/11/2013 20:49

If I wasn't married then I'd want to give my children my surname. I'm not very keen on double barrelled. I don't think there is a done thing.

jamdonut · 06/11/2013 20:51

But...you have a different name from your DP?? And that's OK?

Unless you double barrel,either way one of you is going to feel left out.

toffeesponge · 06/11/2013 20:53

What do you want?

Are you happy to have a baby without being married?

What are you putting in place to protect you financially should you be the one giving up work?

How are your finances going to work?

Are you sure you want to have a baby with someone who states his word is law and won't even discuss it?

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 06/11/2013 20:53

Where I live traditionally children of unmarried parents have the mother's name. Why would having both your names be confusing? He's being ridiculous with that arguement.

I think your suggestion of double barrelling is a nice compromise.

Audilover · 06/11/2013 20:54

Our 5 DC have DP's surname. This was purely because he asked what I thought about them having his surname and I really wasn't that bothered.
To me it's just a surname and not something I place great importance on.
I have a different surname to the other 6 in our house but I don't feel left out and it certainly doesn't make us any less of a family. It's just a box ticking exercise.
Having said that we did discuss it but it was quite a short discussion.

FreeAtLastAtLongLast · 06/11/2013 20:55

I think baby should take the surname of their primary carer. I stupidly allowed DS to have his father's surname, but changed it by deed poll after his father stopped seeing him.

It's bad enough that I'm always referred to as Mrs Surname as it is, without being called Mrs XP Confused

NoArmaniNoPunani · 06/11/2013 20:55

I'm married and I wouldn't give my children DHs surname. We are double barreling

Mylovelyboy · 06/11/2013 20:56

I have already posted but.......would you and your partners surnames sound good as a double barrel name. That is what i did in the end (what i wanted originally). Then you are both happy (mind you he sounds set in wanting his way). Good luck

toffeesponge · 06/11/2013 20:57

Still trying to throw his weight around then?

KittieCat · 06/11/2013 20:57

I'm with Tippi. I'm married but kept my name. DS has my surname with DH's surname as a middle name ( NOT double barrelled).

Caused terrible problems with ILs but it's not their choice.

I've told DH he's welcome to change his name...

YesterdayI · 06/11/2013 20:58

I don't think it is odd to assume that a child will have the Dads surname however there is no reason that the Dads surname should have any more importance than the mothers.

There is nothing wrong or confusing with a double married name.

DontmindifIdo · 06/11/2013 20:58

I'd point out to him that as you aren't married, he gets no say in this. You will be the one to register the DC, so final decision is yours. You are being gracious with giving him input, but legally, it's down to you to make the decision. Right now you've decided your surname and you'll be having the final decision on first and middle names, you're happy to hear his suggestions.

Should he want to have equal say as you, he could marry you. Smile and say you think the subject is closed for now.

MerryMarigold · 06/11/2013 20:59

All the friends I have with kids (who are in long-term partnerships and who live together), the kids have the Dad's surname. In fact, I have one friend who gave her ds the father's surname even though they were never together. (Not sure why?). Anyway, just because it is common, it doesn't mean it has to be done and he should be willing to discuss it.

I think both your attitudes are a bit odd, really. It's like you're going into this expecting to split up later.

MerryMarigold · 06/11/2013 21:01

I don't think it's about whether you're married or not. I know people who are committed to each other who are not married, but approach everything as a partnership. I know people who are married where the woman did not take the man's surname. What happens then?

Thurlow · 06/11/2013 21:01

Whatever suits you. There's no AIBU about which name your baby gets, just whether your DP is willing to have the discussion. If he's not, that to me would be a problem.

FWIW, I know I'm in a massive minority but it's just a name. We're not married, even if we were I wouldn't have changed my name. DD has DP's surname. It sounded better, he had a stronger opinion than me, and as a minor side point I think people are more likely to assume that a child with a different surname to a dad isn't his, than they would a mum in that situation.

hettienne · 06/11/2013 21:02

I'm not married and my kids have my name. Why wouldn't they?

As you aren't married, you can decide what goes on the birth certificate by the way - your DP has no choice except what you give him.

Thurlow · 06/11/2013 21:02

DontmindifIdo, I get you points but really, lots of couples don't want to get married, and that includes the man and the woman.

Is my DP less of a parent to our daughter because we decided marriage wasn't for us? Confused

JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/11/2013 21:03

Don't have a baby with this sexist dickhead.

You're not pregnant yet, it's not too late to have a better life with someone who actually thinks women are people.

The world will be a better place if women stop helping chauvinists reproduce.

wouldIlietoyou · 06/11/2013 21:04

my dd was born before we got married and had my dh's surname. My maiden name was rubbish, nobody could spell it properly and I was fed up with having to spell it out every time.
Dh's name is nice and uncomplicated Smile

When we got married one of the reasons was so I had the same name as my own child as it bugged me tbh.
My sister had a baby with a man that left her not long afterwards and her dd has our maiden name (poor child!)

LisasCat · 06/11/2013 21:06

He's a dick for not having an adult discussion about it.
But my DDs have DPs surname. I get called Mrs by school who just assume that's my name. And work people know me as Miss LisasCat. It helps me keep my lives separate and immediately contextualise where people know me from. I guess it helps having no emotional attachment to my surname or desire to see it continue.

foreverondiet · 06/11/2013 21:06

If you aren't married don't do it. You can always change their names later to his surname but he will never agree to changing it to yours if you split up, and if he's that controlling I fear for you that it won't last...::