Regarding baby's surname

[Eminybob]

DP and I are currently TTC and are having a very heated debate and I'd like to know if iabu or is he?

As we are not married he assumes our children will take his name. Although I am not 100% against this I would like to have a discussion with him about possibly going double barrelled or going with my name.

Aibu or is he?

He won't even entertain my options and is adamant that he gets his way. He says that taking dad's name is "the done thing" and the vast majority of couples would do that. I don't know as most people I know with kids are married.

"OP - the current situation is you are together and have different names because you aren't married. The situation can change in 2 ways, you can get married and change your name to match his, or it could change by you two splitting up"

3 ways. Thy can get married and keep their own names. Or 4 ways. They could get married/not get married but choose a new family name.

Dd only has dp's name as we are planning to get married. If marriage was not on the cards we would double barrel and almost did anyway as the names sound lovely together

If he's that hung up on "tradition" why hasn't he proposed?

I had my father's name before I was married. I have seen him twice in my 41 years of life but it really meant something to me to have the name. It made me feel like I belonged somewhere when my whole childhood was spent in children's and foster homes and I didn't have a settled life. I also had my father on a pedestal as my mother was so toxic so having his name meant such a lot to me.

I hope I have explained that so that people can understand.

I am an old fashioned person. I wouldn't have had a baby before marriage, was always going to take my husband's name and of course my children would have his name too. Having felt my father's name gave me a sense of belonging by the time I had children I realised what a waste of space he was so there was no longer any attachment to the name and no desire to pass it on to my children.

Marriage should have a bigger meaning in my opinion. I find it incredibly rude when people say it is just a piece of paper and that having a baby is more of a commitment. Deadbeat parents walking out prove that really it is no more or less than marriage as you can leave your child and fuck off with no real consequences and you can get a divorce if the marriage stops working.

I am married and kept my own name (no issues at all there). My husband was a bit put out when we first discussed it that I wanted any children to have my name as well as his. He has now accepted it. I was quite surprised that he was against the idea initially as he had never said a peep about me keeping my own name and I thought of him as quite enlightened. But I think he had assumed that any children would have his name alone and it just took him a bit of time to get his head around the idea that his assumption was wrong.

Kerala and everyone else who has asked, we have talked about getting married and I'm sure we will one day but money is the issue. We want a baby and know they cost lots and we are in the process of buying a new house so they are our priorities cash wise.

Now I know that weddings needn't be expensive and we can get married without the wedding and all that entails if need be, but I don't want that, I want to be able to have a lovely day spent with my friends and family to celebrate our marriage. And there just isn't money available for even a little one!

I take on board everything you have all said and will present to DP for discussion.

There is another thread about travelling with DC with different names and the problems it causes which I have read with interest so will also take that into consideration.

DP isn't all bad by he way I just think he has been a little misinformed as to the way these things work. In all other respects he is fab and will be a great dad.

Now we can really sit down and discuss all the options and make a reasoned informed decision. I wouldn't have been able to do that without all the great advice and help you have given me so thank you so much.

We're not married, but even if they were the children would have my name as I am not a fan of patriarchy. They are actually double-barrelled, with my surname first and they mostly drop DP's name, which is a very common one that he isn't much attached to. Mine is quite unusual and special and as my sisters children and my cousins children have their father's names it could be lost. I find attaching the fathers name to the child downright perverse actually. I know several families where the fathers gave the children nothing but their name and so not only do the kids have a different name to each other, they have a different name to their mother.

"He won't even entertain my options and is adamant that he gets his way. "

You do realize that this is just the first of many things related to baby's care and upbringing you are going to disagree on for the rest of your actual lives?

And if you cannot agree on this, and if he is such an obstinate arse about this, then I think I would reconsider having a child with this man.

I hear what you are saying about him not generally being a dick, but as an unmarried couple without kids, you really have not had that much of importance to agree or disagree on thus far in your relationship! If he "lets" you do household decisions, this only means that you are responsible for domestic things, so he cant be arsed to decide.

Why on earth do you want a child with a man that is not keen to listen to, and discuss your views? That is a very unattractive treat in a man. Not respecting you much here, is he?

You are creating a massive rod for your own back here.

He is also wrong about tradition. He is asserting his stance based on incorrect assumptions rather than knowledge. Tradition is for a woman to take her husbands name on marriage, and for a child to keep mums surname if mum is unmarried. He has created a "truth", presented it to you, as a reason why his wishes should count, and not yours.

How long have you been with him? Surely you can do better than this?

If you can't afford a wedding now how will you after children who are money pits?

My MIL double barrelled her children's surnames and they all hated it as they went through school said it was a right PITA. When we married I took only FIL's name and DH dropped his mothers from his.

She blamed me and took the hump when I said that it would have been crazy to triple barrel my surname and my name was as important to me as hers was to her.

However, at the end of the day what was most important to me was DH, DC and I shared a family name.

sorry but you both need to have your say has it,s both your child i have my name and the dads surname its a part of both of you.what if you both decided not to marry and it,s just done in fathers name what then.

"Traditionally" you would have either got married quickly or had an abortion. But things change. He needs to open up to the idea that not everything stays the same.

I am not married, DS has a hyphenated name - he is very happy with his name, and in his inner city S London primary class a third of the kids had hyphenated surnames - presumably one from each parent.

My married SIL has not changed her name and has given her DD her surname.

My other married sil has not changed her name and the DCs have hyphenated names.

A hyphenated name means that no-one has to change their name whether married or not, and it is also easy for either parent to take the child abroad alone without fuss .

If you wanted, you could change your surname to the same as his, or he could change to the same as yours, without even being married.

Mostly, now, people refer to DP and I as 'the his-surname-my-surname's. And that's how we talk about the many two-surnamed families amongst our friends: 'shall we ask the Smith Brown family?' etc.

If you're not married then I wouldn't give your dc their dads surname over your own or a double barreled one

Why do people think being married makes any difference?

curlew

Being married is legally different to living together. See HERE

My DH and I got married for immigration purposes. We were expats and had to be married to live in certain countries.

This so didn't matter to me. I know that I am their mother and he is their father and no matter what they are our children. We both have very ordinary surnames, so there was nothing to be precious about. We're not married but I happily answer to Mrs HisName, and he happily answers to Mr MyName. They have his surname, but actually, it's their first names, which we chose together that are important.

"Being married is legally different to living together. See HERE "

Sorry I know that. I meant why do people think it makes a difference to names specifically.

With you, curlew. It's legally difference. Why the vast majority of MN seem to believe that being married is somehow better in terms of morals, romance and reliability is really starting to piss me off.

I'm not married. By choice. My kids will have their dad's surname. By choice. I am no more or less likely to split up with my partner than if we were married because we hit that point where marriage was a possibility, discussed it, and decided it wasn't for us. We're just as committed to each other as anyone who has got married and quite frankly it's insulting the number of posters on MN who don't believe two mature adults can be in a committed relationship without having a party.

Side rant. Sorry if that offends anyone but you know... it's really starting to annoy me.

If you're not married I would consider double-barreling their names. I had a different surname to my children for a while and whilst travelling abroad with them I was told I should carry their birth certificate to prove the relationship otherwise I could be considered a trafficker and refused entry / exit the country.

I ended up double-barreling my own name to include my partners, but if you don't want to change your name the other option would be to double-barrel the child's surname.

He is being unreasonable. The fact that he won't even consider any other options is not great. You get a say in what it is called.

There is no 'done thing' these days. It's not the Victorian age.

Dp and are not married, the kids have a double barreled surname, even if we do eventually get married, I will keep my name, so bad we been married the kids would STILL have had a double barreled name.

Nope. If it's coming out of my fanny. It's sharing a name with me,

Tell him that when he pushes a person out, he can name it. All you're asking for is compromise!!

My dd has a double barreled name. We weren't married and I refused not to have my name included. As we split up two years later, I'm SO glad I insisted on double barreling (I'd also have been happy with just my name though).

I'm interested to hear people say having a different surname from your child causes problems while travelling. My 3 DC have their father's surname and we all travel continually, and everywhere you can think of -- truly, we've hit every continent except Antarctica. Not once in nearly 14 years has it ever been an issue that the children's surnames don't match mine.
What DOES rather rarely happen is that every fifth time we enter the US, Canada, or the UK (never any other country) without my husband, an alert immigration officer will ask whether my husband has given permission for the children to travel without him. This is because of concerns about international custody disputes and parents abducting their own children across borders. The issue hasn't been raised any more often with me than with my SILs who have the same surnames as husbands and children, I don't think, and indeed doesn't come up as often as it probably should. And for sure no one has ever asked for anything like a birth certificate to prove I'm the mother -- not at a border, not at a hospital, not at a dinner party. This is just as well since all the birth certificates are in different foreign languages and one is actually an adoption certificate. Ok, our life may sound complicated, but having different surnames isn't complicated.