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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Regarding baby's surname

175 replies

Eminybob · 06/11/2013 20:23

DP and I are currently TTC and are having a very heated debate and I'd like to know if iabu or is he?

As we are not married he assumes our children will take his name. Although I am not 100% against this I would like to have a discussion with him about possibly going double barrelled or going with my name.

Aibu or is he?

He won't even entertain my options and is adamant that he gets his way. He says that taking dad's name is "the done thing" and the vast majority of couples would do that. I don't know as most people I know with kids are married.

OP posts:

LisasCat · 06/11/2013 21:07

Meant to say I get called Mrs DPsurname.

marl · 06/11/2013 21:07

I went through this too, we couldn't agree, and then left it until I'd had the kids, and both times (probably due to hormones) I backed down at the actual registering event and the kids have DPs surname - double barrelling ours would have sounded ridiculous. I continue to regret it, and it has added to my resentment about his disinterest in getting married. If you travel with the kids you have to take proof that they are yours with you which I find an insult! I wish I had stuck to my guns really. My advice would be to decide now what you personally want and then stick to it before your post birth hormones and lack of sleep affect your judgement! Double barrelling is the ideal solution if the combination sounds OK, in my opinion.

LordEmsworth · 06/11/2013 21:07

I wouldn't be happy about his response. To the point where I'd be seriously thinking whether I was willing to have a child with him.

But if your only problem is that you want the same surname as your children, you could just change your name by deed poll. You don't have to get married to do that. Or he could change his name.

basgetti · 06/11/2013 21:08

I would be worried about procreating with someone who won't discuss your views and who is 'adamant he gets his way' tbh. It doesn't bode well.

And I gave my DS my surname as I was unmarried. I was going to be the main carer and did not want a different name to my child. Since you are unmarried it is up to you anyway in law. He can't register the birth without you there.

5madthings · 06/11/2013 21:09

Dp and I are not married,'the 5madthings have a double barreled name.

Its not confusing at all, they know they have my name and DPs, as I am their mum and he is their dad, simples.

Mabelface · 06/11/2013 21:10

If he won't even enter into discussions about compromise, then I would be putting TTC on hold indefinitely. If he won't compromise on this issue, what else will he be so steadfast about?

Mim78 · 06/11/2013 21:11

Maybe your DP hasn't really thought this through before. He's going to have to now though...

Funnily enough I think that my DH is quite pleased that DD has his surname, even though he has never been bothered that I don't. But that's not the same as refusing to discuss it, or having been stroppy about it.

FuckingFuck · 06/11/2013 21:14

We double barrelled DS's name, we weren't married so to me it made no sense for DS not to have my name, but equally why shouldn't he have DP's?

Once we get married I had planned to take DP's name and we would drop my surname from DS's name but I am so fond of the double barrelled name now I might use it. It is quite obscure and I was worried about giving it to DS but now I love them together.

Your DP is unreasonable if he refuses to even discuss if with you.

facedontfit · 06/11/2013 21:17

Daughter has my surname I did all the work I think it is outdated and sexist to assume a child automatically has the fathers name. It may be traditional but so was burning witches at the stake & women not having the vote.

OH now always gets called mr facedontfit at daughters school.

Original poster

Eminybob · 06/11/2013 21:19

This is the only thing he's this vocal about tbh. He's definately not generally a dick or a chauvinist and I do make a lot of the decisions in the household. He just thinks it's "tradition". I'm glad I've posted on here though because I've read your responses to him and it has opened up a discussion. Not come to a conclusion though!

For those asking, our names are both rubbish and will sound even more rubbish double barrelled if I'm quite honest. Maybe we should do as some have suggested and make ourselves a whole new one!

OP posts:

EugenesAxe · 06/11/2013 21:20

I don't really like his entrenched attitude, although I would probably do what he has advocated 'should be so' were I in that position.

My DSis and her DP made our maiden name one of their DS' middle names. It is a pretty noun of few letters though... if you had a cumbersome and ugly surname it might make it less of an attractive option. Although TBH the same would apply to going double-barrelled.

Anyway... he is being unreasonable in not having any discussion on this.

DontmindifIdo · 06/11/2013 21:23

Thurlow - your DP isn't less of a dad to your DD, but if you had decided not to put him on the birth certificate (something you have to agree to, he couldn't decide without you to do it) then he'd have very little rights compared to a married father. Unmarried fathers are really much more dependent on the goodwill of their partner than married fathers. DH could just go register our DCs without me (he didn't, but he could have done), your DP couldn't - the idea that you can "put your foot down" and not "entertain other options" when it's not actually your choice is laughable, always worth pointing it out to people like this who seem to think they are the one in control that they aren't.

WooWooCaChoo · 06/11/2013 21:25

Our DS has his dad's surname as we are not married. Our next child will also have his dad's surname.

It meant more to him than it did to me so I didn't see a problem with it, plus I will be joining them with their surnames when we eventually get married.

DP didn't try to bully me in to this decision though, which I think is the most important thing here.

Thurlow · 06/11/2013 21:28

I know, Dontmind, and sorry for picking on your post in particular - I just get really irate with the assumption on a lot of threads like this that any man who "won't" marry his partner isn't committed to them. There's rarely any consideration that maybe it's the woman who doesn't want to get married. Which ties in with my irritation with the idea that a woman is naturally more of a parent/has more rights at the start because she was pregnant, which somehow suggests that men are refusing to get pregnant... Took most of that out on you, sorry!

laughingeyes2013 · 06/11/2013 21:28

Funny how the men want their children to have their surname but without sharing it with their partner too!

If you don't work out (God forbid, but it happens) then you will NEVER share your children's name because you have no legal right to change it without his consent.

I had my first child and gave him my surname, not his Dad's. I knew I'd be the one at the school gate and in the doctors surgery all the time and knew it would bother me not to have the same name.

His Dad married me (not because I this!) and changing both the names was easy as.

So I think you are in no way being unreasonable. Your partner however is!

stickysausages · 06/11/2013 21:30

If he wants baby to have his name, then he should marry you.

Agree with protecting my interests, and wouldn't like my children to have different names to me or from each other.

Personally, I'd be wary of someone who thinks marriage isn't a priority, but is willing to get me pregnant, but I'm terribly old fashioned & terrified of being left as a single parent... my own issues.

nickelbabe · 06/11/2013 21:31

yanbu.

we afe married, but I kept my name and dd has a name that's a combinationo of the two.

I consider my child's identity to be extremely important and I wouldn't ttc with someone who won't even discuss it.

Sparklymommy · 06/11/2013 21:36

When I had dd1 I was very VERY clear with dp that the ONLY way I would entertain her having his name was if I did too by the time she started nursery or anywhere where it would be noticed that our names were not the same.

We married when dd1 was 2 and 3 months. She started nursery at 2 and 9 months.

catsrus · 06/11/2013 21:36

my children are in their 20's now - I was married for 5 yrs before having the first one, I kept my own last name. We agreed girls would have myname, boys hisname (he didn't like the idea of double-barreled) so that's what we did. I would be worried about being with someone who wouldn't even discuss it.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/11/2013 21:41

He just thinks it's "tradition".

He's wrong.

Traditionally children were given the same name as their mother.

If she was married she would traditionally be using her married name, which would be the same as their (presumed) father.

The practice of giving children of unmarried women a name she does not share is a pretty new one.

The number of women waiting around for some wanker to marry them so they can have the same name as their children is heartbreaking.

Give your children your name.

And take his outspoken insistence on sticking to an imagined and sexist "tradition" at your expense and without your input as a serious warning of what a horrible co-parent he will make.

A good guy would care more about what makes you happy than about some "tradition".

Can't he think for himself and forge his own path through life with the woman he (claims to) love?

TheBuskersDog · 06/11/2013 21:46

If I wasn't married there's not a cat in hell's chance I'd give my child any other surname other than my own. The implications for the future are considerable and I'd want to be protecting my options.

Please elaborate on the implications, my sons are now 21 and 16 and i have so far escaped unscathed despite them having their father's surname rather than mine.

I don't quite understand those posting about giving them your surname in case you split up, because it will be difficult to persuade the father to let you change it to yours afterwards. Why would you necessarily want to change a child's name because his/her parents split up and wouldn't it be just the same had you been married.

Some people have said most unmarried couples give the children the mother's name, this is not my experience. I also know many families where the couples are married but the woman has not taken his name, the children almost always have the man's name.

I think other things apart from marital status play a part in the decision, for example a 18 yo who gets pregnant whilst not living with her boyfriend is probably likely to choose differently to a couple in their 30s who have lived together for years.

WooWooOwl · 06/11/2013 21:48

I wasn't married to my ex when we had our dc. I am more than happy for them to have his name. It was way nicer than mine, and I thought why shouldn't the baby have his name? He was and is as much of a parent as I am, and as mother I get plenty of other special things that he doesn't get.

If having the same name as your family is important to you then you need to be looking into the future. If there is ever any chance of you wanting to take your husbands name when/if you get married, then the baby should have the family name from the start. Otherwise you'll have to change their name by deed poll, and it will piss them off every time they have to fill in the section on passport forms that asks if you were ever known by another name.

Damnautocorrect · 06/11/2013 21:49

My ds has my oh's surname we couldn't double barrel as it wouldn't work. But I wish wish wish he had mine oh's name means nothing to him, there's nothing to be proud of for him no family links with that name, But with mine there is.
Fight your corner for at least a compromise

Ursula8 · 06/11/2013 22:21

Why are you TTC with such a bossy uncompromising dickhead?

MushroomSoup · 06/11/2013 22:26

Im a head teacher in a primary school. Most of the parents are unmarried but together, most of the children have their mothers' surnames.

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