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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding baby's surname

175 replies

Eminybob · 06/11/2013 20:23

DP and I are currently TTC and are having a very heated debate and I'd like to know if iabu or is he?

As we are not married he assumes our children will take his name. Although I am not 100% against this I would like to have a discussion with him about possibly going double barrelled or going with my name.

Aibu or is he?

He won't even entertain my options and is adamant that he gets his way. He says that taking dad's name is "the done thing" and the vast majority of couples would do that. I don't know as most people I know with kids are married.

OP posts:
KeepingUpWithTheJonses · 07/11/2013 17:13

Personally I preferred for the dc to have df's name. When we get married I will also take his name so it made sense for the dc to have it.

I really dislike double barrelled names myself, I've always thought it seems pretentious.

curlew · 07/11/2013 17:18

Why do people think marriage makes any difference at all to names?

mrsscoob · 07/11/2013 18:10

Who will be the primary carer the one taking the child to school, doctors etc. I am unmarried and would hate to have a different surname from my child. Luckily my partner isn't a male chauvinist dick and he was the one who suggested it. I have children from a previous relationship and he thought it would be better for our child to have the same name as me and my other children. The only way it would make sense is if you were planning on getting married some day in the future and changing your name too.

KeepingUpWithTheJonses · 07/11/2013 18:12

Was that to me Curlew?

If so i'm not sure what you mean.

MrsKoala · 07/11/2013 18:32

We were unmarried when ds was born, and everyone assumed ds would take my surname. But we double barrelled it, there was no other choice to be made, we were both adamant we wanted him to have our own name. We are now married and have both kept our names but are applying for a deed pole change, so we will all be double barrelled. dh would never expect me to change my name to his if he wasn't prepared to change his to mine.

Kendodd · 07/11/2013 18:39

Don't understand why he is so against DBing the name. Ask him why he doesn't want a child to have any part your name.

Kendodd · 07/11/2013 18:44

If I were you I don't think I'd be having children with a man who wouldn't even discuss names. Either that or when the child is born just register them yourself, in your name, as you aren't married (I believe!) he gets no say.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 07/11/2013 18:48

It's weird to me, but all of the unmarried couples I know with kids, the kids have the dad's name. It never would have occurred to me to have a different name from my child, but then I grew up with a different name from my mum and my siblings. Awkward.
My sis gave her dc her partners name, and she is really regretting it now.

The way I see it, if I have a child, the child is always going to be with me.
Plus, if I am going to actually push a live human person out of my fanjo, I reckon i get to claim it as my own.

Jelly15 · 07/11/2013 18:54

Question to those who double barrel their children's names what do you expect your children to do when they have their own families - triple barrel? Or which name do they drop yours or your partner's? What if your children's partners are doubled barrelled? Don't you think you are creating potential argument/problems for the next generation.

curlew · 07/11/2013 18:57

It's up to them what they do. I have always given my children the option to choose one or the other name at major transitions in their lives. So far they've decided to stick with the hyphen.

notanyanymore · 07/11/2013 18:59

Smile I have to admit I wondered that too Jelly

MrsKoala · 07/11/2013 19:03

No i don't Jelly. I just think it's giving ds more choices. I wouldn't mind if ds dropped my part of his name when he married to double with his spouse, entirely his choice. He could have it as a middle name. DH's surname is also a first name so he could name a child that etc. Many choices which keep family names alive. For the record, my main reasoning was i have a very unusual old english surname, which is almost dead, so as the last in the line and being female i didn't want the name to die with me.

Thurlow · 07/11/2013 19:17

Plus, if I am going to actually push a live human person out of my fanjo, I reckon i get to claim it as my own

I really, really don't get this Confused

It's not as if men are refusing to do this, is it? Then that argument might make sense.

Does anyone else see the conflict between women claiming the baby is more theirs because they carried it and gave birth it to it (which is the only biological way it can happen at the moment) and then women who, three months after a baby has been born, claiming that their DH isn't pulling his weight? Well, if that particular husband has been told he's got less claim to a baby and isn't going to be the primary carer because he didn't give birth to the baby, I wouldn't be surprised.

TippiShagpile · 07/11/2013 19:44

That's why I married dh and changed my name to his. Just seemed easier and we are easily identifiable as a family unit.

But each to their own.

DontmindifIdo · 07/11/2013 20:01

Jelly - in cultures where they always double barrel, what normally happens is the doubling is normally the first surname of the father and the first surname of the mother. When they have DCs, it will be again, first surname of father and first surname of mother. This does mean long term it's the fathers names that are passed on, but the alternative is to keep adding extra names.

Basically, if Mr Jones had a DS with Ms Smith, his surname would be Jones-Smith. If Mr Jones-Smith had a baby with a Ms Brown-Bloggs, (Brown being her dad's surname, Bloggs being her mothers) their baby would be Jones-Brown. Long term it doesn't protect a mother's surname.

DontmindifIdo · 07/11/2013 20:03

oh and DH used to work in Luxembourg, there it's normal on marriage that a woman would double barrel her name rather than give it up completely or change her name just to his (again, putting her DH's surname first) but then when they have DCs, the DCs have just the father's surname. I'm not sure how common that is in Europe.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 07/11/2013 20:24

It's nothing to do with the fact that me giving birth is a choice Thurlow. It's just that, statistically, most children of one parent families are brought up by the mother.
Maybe my situation is a bit different, in that ds's dad and I were not together when he was born, so it would have made no sense for ds to have his name, but even had I been in a partnership, 50% of these fail, and any dc would have to have my name.
My child is more mine, because I birthed him and I brought him up. That is why we share a name. And it doesn't really matter what name that is. I have no interest in carrying on my father's name (which was invented anyway, what with my family being forrin and unpronouncable) it's just important to me that we have the same one.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 07/11/2013 20:24

It is really common in Spain and other Latin countries that people have multiple names, and choose the ones they prefer on marriage.

fifi669 · 07/11/2013 20:33

For DS we were going to double barrel as I wasn't comfortable with him only having exP name. Ex left at 20 weeks pregnant and was a complete shit from then on. He was shocked that DS got my name!

DP and I have agreed unborn bean and any others will also take my name so the children are all the same and the need I have to almost protect myself if that makes sense, incase something like the ex situation should happen again. I'd hate to be at the school gates miss x, while my children girl y and boy z came out! Confused

I was told when registering DS that should me and ex get married (not in a billion years), that we could change DS name also. DP and I plan to change mine and the kids names once we're married.

PenguinDancer · 07/11/2013 20:36

As part of my job I can assure you that nearly all babies take dad's name. Unmarried or not.

That's not the point though.

Blu · 07/11/2013 21:48

For people who want a shared family name, why not use your name/ Or all hyphenate your names? Or toss a coin for whose name you use?

Jelly: DS will do what he likes with his name and his partners name, and I will not make comment or create pressure. The kind of thinking that makes me not want to take a partners name just because it is traditional to so is exactly the same thinking that makes me not ant to put expectations on DS and his future DP.

frumpypigskin · 08/11/2013 08:16

CHJR - It has only happened when I was travelling with the children and without my husband, not as a family unit.

It is my experience, so it does happen. It happened often enough for me to change my name as I didn't want the hassle of carrying their birth certificates around or spending extra time being questionned at airports.

YesterdayI · 08/11/2013 09:22

Regardless of the circumstances I think it is easier if everyone in a family unit has the same name be it double barrelled or not. It is simpler like that.

curlew · 08/11/2013 09:23

Why is it easier? In what way?

I'm not being chippy- I just don't understand.

Thurlow · 08/11/2013 10:18

I don't understand why it is easier either. Nicer maybe, if you would all like the same name then that's fine, find a way that suits your family. But I don't get why it is easier?