Regarding baby's surname

[Eminybob]

DP and I are currently TTC and are having a very heated debate and I'd like to know if iabu or is he?

As we are not married he assumes our children will take his name. Although I am not 100% against this I would like to have a discussion with him about possibly going double barrelled or going with my name.

Aibu or is he?

He won't even entertain my options and is adamant that he gets his way. He says that taking dad's name is "the done thing" and the vast majority of couples would do that. I don't know as most people I know with kids are married.

I don't even understand why it's considered nicer either. Or what difference it makes at all. I have never encountered any confusion at all that me, dh and ds all have different surnames. It is very simple to understand. Just because we are a family we don't all have to be the same. I think if anyone requires an explanation, it is 'mock confusion', and they must be trying to prove a point rather than genuinely not understand.

It's easier because it is making it clear that you are a family unit. If a mum and the kids had one surname and the dad had another I think most people would assume the dad was not the kids birth dad. BTW I am NOT saying that is right or wrong
Travelling overseas with different surnames is clearly more tricky too.
I like the fact that I don't have to explain our family dynamics.

If I were not married I would double barrel the name for official papers or make up a brand new name.
It's not unusual for families to have a number of surnames - it's not a problem.

My DD has DP's surname - it goes better with her name. We had a very short discussion about it which went - Me - She's going to have have your surname. DP - OK. But then his surname is very unusual

I think it is easier in general as there's no ambiguity.

Let's say df is 'Mr Brown'. I constantly get phonecalls for 'Mr Brown' and if he's not there i'll be asked 'OK, is that Mrs Brown?' Em...no.

Likewise, i'll get phonecalls for 'Mrs Brown' and he'll get phonecalls for 'Mr Jones'. It can be a PITA.

The dc have df's name, so I also get called 'Mrs Brown' by Doctors, dentists, school etc. It's just a PITA, wondering if I should correct them or not.

I'm looking forward to leaving any confusion/corrections behind when I do become a 'Mrs Brown'

I kept my name, DH kept his name DC are double barrelled, my name first but just because it flows better this way.

Re 'all having the same name is easier'-

I get phone calls asking for Mrs DHname, he gets phone calls asking for Mrmyname we both think this is quite useful actually because the person calling obviously doesn't know us and we can tell that they are only trying to sell us something and can hang up straight away!

As the children have both our names, crossing international boarders/doctors appointments/school etc is not a problem.

If we split and re-marry, well this will make no difference as none of our names will be changing and I (and DH) won't have a situation when we don't share a name with our children, unlike the name changers and people giving their children a different last name to a parent.

The only person confused by this was my nan, for the first 10 years I was married (then she died) she always asked me what my name is now (I have the same name I was born with and have never changed it) and once told me that she 'couldn't keep up with all my names' and never knew what to call me. My cousin on the other hand (now on her fourth name and her DCs on their third) she has no problem with.

So yes, thinking about it, you're right it would be easier, but only for my nan.

We double barrelled,because DP isn't a chauvinist pig.

They are our DC,not exclusively his or mine.

When we finally get around to getting married,we will both take the DC double barrelled name.

That's a good point, kendodd - if I get called Mrs DD/DP's surname then that gives me a pretty good clue what the call is about and how important it probably is!

If Dp or I get called by the wrong name it doesn't matter- we know who we are!

If he's that traditional, why isn't he making marriage a priority? Traditionally if the parents are not married the baby takes the mother's surname. Plus as others have said, unmarried fathers are not able to register the baby, the mother has to be present.

We never discussed who's name our DC would get as we'd only been together 6 months when I became pregnant with DC1. All 5 DC have his surname and when we eventually get married I will keep my own surname and carry on being different to the 6 of them.
I do think hibu though because he won't discuss it with you.

My first DC is due in April and will take my DP's name - we're not married and aren't likely to get married for at least four or five years, so on anything official I'll still be down as moomin smith (for example), but if people call me moomin jones (again, for example), I won't correct them - I'm happy to take either name; I'll be taking his surname when we get married though so I want the DC registered with his surname.

We'd double-barrel but it doesn't sound right and I'm not overly fussed anyway.

Why would you not have discussed this before taking the serious step of having children? IMO children should take their father's name, but I'm old-fashioned like that. If you're a serious couple and he wants them to have his name, why didn't he marry you before giving you a baby?

It may seem like a minor thing but the fact that he already sees the children as his to own and sees himself as more important than you shows a fundamental disrespect for you.
You don't even need to discuss it just give the children a double barrel name.
It was the done thing for men to beat their wives only a few years ago, would he have blindly followed that too?

Kytti they don't have a baby yet.

I don't understand choosing to have children before getting married. (I accept that some people just don't want to get married.) Unless you're going to wait until they've moved out/graduated, surely you're never going to have as much time/money as you do pre-children.

I think you should only change your name on marriage if that's what you really want. I don't want it. I would have thought that all schools/doctors will have encountered families who don't all share a surname and it's not a big deal.

In hospital (providing you have a hospital delivery) the baby will automatically be given Mum's surname as Baby needs to be identifiable with Mother.

Is he going to be one of those Dads that 'Kicks Off' about this and creates a scene with HCPs? Because this happens a lot.

moomin, you may be an exception to this trend, but there are a LOT of women out there who gave their children their dp's surname because they believed they would marry their dp one day and eventually have the same surname as the child... but then the relationship eventually breaks down (could happen to any of us) and they end up with a different name to their child and not living with the father.

This may never happen to you, but worth thinking about how you'd feel if, in a few years time, you and your dp did split up. Would you be just as happy about having a different surname to your kids?

In the situation edam suggests. In a relationship for 8 years so had assumed we would eventually get married so dc1 has ex's surname, we broke up and now I frequently get called Mrs exs-surname.

Was not making that mistake twice. Dc2 has my surname and dads as a middle name.

Flipping cheek - marry or have kids with your last name. Tough.

Done thing is him putting a faux etiquette to get his way,I'd insist on the two surname
Healthy relationships don't thrive on assumption,they require open discussion and ability to see other person pov
I'd be slightly alarmed at his tone on this tbh.have you discussed finances,nursery etc when baby arrives?

Our dc are double barrelled and we each retain our surnames
Wouldn't change my name to double barell though
Kids double barell reflects their parents names,but I wouldn't want my dp name.i already have a name

We went with 'the Icelandic way' for both (boy = dad's surname, girl = mum's). I'm very glad we did because as luck would have it we have one of each. Also very glad to see so many DC on here having their mum's name :)

Neither opinion is wrong here, however he is BU to not even talk about it and an arse.

Yes being of the opinion that you own your female partner and child just because you have a penis is definitely wrong.

The law says its the woman's choice and not the man's, so I rest my case!

Im not married and my son has my partners name. It was mainly out of respect of his dad who died recently.
i didn't mind either way