Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Regarding baby's surname

175 replies

Eminybob · 06/11/2013 20:23

DP and I are currently TTC and are having a very heated debate and I'd like to know if iabu or is he?

As we are not married he assumes our children will take his name. Although I am not 100% against this I would like to have a discussion with him about possibly going double barrelled or going with my name.

Aibu or is he?

He won't even entertain my options and is adamant that he gets his way. He says that taking dad's name is "the done thing" and the vast majority of couples would do that. I don't know as most people I know with kids are married.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 06/11/2013 22:27

so make up a new name then.
that's a good idea.
you could all take the new name, regardless of marriage, or the new name just for kids like ours
dd is the first 3 letters of dh's surname followed by my surname (which is 3 letters). it works well and everyone can see where her name comes from.

Meglet · 06/11/2013 22:34

Ensure they have your surname if you aren't married.

XP forced me to give the DC's his surname and I hate it. He wouldn't let me double barrell it either Sad.

Years on they're stuck with the surname of a man they don't know.

JackNoneReacher · 06/11/2013 22:36

'Traditionally' parents get married. But it sounds like he's not worried about that tradition so why on earth should he be worried about children traditionally having their Father's surname?

Refusal to have a discussion - red flag.

curlew · 06/11/2013 22:41

1)You don't have to change your name on marriage.
2)You don't have to to give your children their father's last name even if you are married.
3)Lots of people have hyphenated last names.
4)It doesn't matter if people in a family have different last names
5) Men's last names are not, contrary to popular belief, nicer or easier to spell than women's.
6) Legally, you can call yourself anything you like, so long as you are not doing it for criminal purposes, so go mad. Invent your own name.
7) A woman's last name is usually her father's, yes, but is is the name she has had all her life. It's her identity. Just as much as a men's is. There is no reason she should give it up if she doesn't want to.
8) Men have no more right to dictate to women over this issue than any other. It should be a joint decision, with all parties having an equal say.

curlew · 06/11/2013 22:42

Oh, and 9) not being married does not mean not being committed. It just means you're not married.

CinnabarRed · 06/11/2013 22:48

Can't help but feel that the Icelandic peoples have this right!

notanyanymore · 06/11/2013 22:50

My DC have their DF's surname. But I was happy with that. It actually bothers me more now when people get it wrong and use my surname for them, its not their name!
I was happy for them to have his name, because a) I felt it meant more to him then me, and b) I carried them, delivered them so they already felt like my mine. I thought it would help him feel like his importance in their existence was acknowledged even though he hadn't really done a whole lot since DTD. ( Blush that sounds a bit silly now I see it written down)
I have no intention of ever changing my surname.

Caff2 · 06/11/2013 22:52

My children have my surname. I am unmarried. Their father is on their birth certificates. We are still together.

I think we're unusual though.

TheBuskersDog · 06/11/2013 22:59

Im a head teacher in a primary school. Most of the parents are unmarried but together, most of the children have their mothers' surnames.

Your school is probably not representative of many schools in the country though, either because of the marital status of the parents or the naming of the children. It may well be representative of the demographic of the catchment though.

YesterdayI · 06/11/2013 23:05

THIS current MN thread is timely. It looks like double -barrelled is the way to go.

You don't have to use both parts of a double barrelled name.

monniemae · 06/11/2013 23:06

Not read replies but my DP and I gave our child a different surname to either of us and I can tell you my own father was EXTREMELY put out as apparently "the tradition is for the child to have the mothers family name if the parents aren't married". Surprisingly, lots of people concur with him.
So your DP's assumption is not just annoying, sexist and bossy, it's wrong Wink

VisualiseAHorse · 06/11/2013 23:06

Why don't you do bother new trendy thing of combing the names?

Like when Dawn Porter and Chris O'Dowd married, they became the O'Porters!

Original poster
Eminybob · 06/11/2013 23:07

I am not concerned about the splitting up issue. I'm thinking of the here and now. As I've said I am not against DCs having his name I just want to discuss it. Me insisting they have my name like some people have suggested would make me as bad as him!

Thanks again for all the input it's been a real eye opener as it's not something I've looked into before. The thing I've taken away from it is that there is no right or wrong it's really about what's right for us. And he's now open to discussion which is a step in the right direction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eminybob · 06/11/2013 23:10

Visualise I used that example with him and as he's got a Scottish name I suggested McMysurname. Even I wouldn't do that to my poor DCs!

OP posts:
edam · 06/11/2013 23:10

Eminey, tell him when he's managed to push a baby out of his fanjo, he can decide what it's called.

Biology dictates you are the one who does all the hard work, I reckon that gives you the casting vote!

YesterdayI · 06/11/2013 23:12

If a Dad has a different name to the kids then people are much more likely to think he is not their father than in cases where the Mum has a different name to her kids IYSWIM

not sure I explained that clearly

Dahlen · 06/11/2013 23:14

Very few couples think they're going to split up when things are going well and they're TTC. You have a 45% chance of making a success of things. 55% of cohabiting relationships fail.

If they fail, it is 92% likely that you will be primary carer of your DC. In that case you may well find yourself thinking that you wish your child had your surname.

The only reason there are more DC with their father's names is because it is a custom, borne of the days in which fathers had to stamp paternity on their offspring for reasons of property ownership and inheritance. THose days have gone but the custom remains.

Unless you're an out-and-out traditionalist (which you're clearly not or you'd be getting married first) there are no reasons why it is better to give a child the father's name than the mother's. However, in terms of likelihood of who the child will live with in the event of a split and the likelihood of that split happening, there are quite compelling (if depressing) reasons for giving a child the mother's name.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 06/11/2013 23:18

My personal view is that all women should keep their own surname on marriage and that all their children should be given their mother's surname. That way the mum and ALL her children would have the same surname regardless of whether they all have the same father and what the mother's marital status is. This seems sensible as it is much more unusual for a mother to abandon her children than for a father to do so.

I didn't actually do this as I changed my name on marriage but I really wish (a) that I'd thought of it and (b) that it was the normal thing to do.

Marmotte3 · 06/11/2013 23:22

I am not married to my DP, we have 2 small boys. We have double barreled with my surname last. I never gave DP a real choice in the matter. In my mind it was double barrel or my surname alone. For me it would feel wrong for them not have my name.

He is being very unreasonable.

Mymumsfurcoat · 06/11/2013 23:29

I have two children and two fathers. I considered the whole surname thing with DD1 but the bottom line is that I knew I would be there for my kids, and him? Not so much. So I gave her my name . And I'm so glad. And with DD2, DP agreed she should have the same name as her sister. So now there are 3 of us,and him. And it's ok.

TidyDancer · 06/11/2013 23:37

My DCs have DP's surname, but this is because we are getting married when we get round to it (next year!). Otherwise I would probably have given them my name.

DP's surname is his DM's. His parents weren't married when he was born (they are now, and have been for over 20 years) and officially it's because his mum was standing up for her own name. Unofficially it's because his DF's surname is horrible!

I would dig my heels in over this one, especially if your DP is being a twat, and it sounds as though he is.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 06/11/2013 23:43

"Me insisting they have my name like some people have suggested would make me as bad as him!"

No, it wouldn't.

Now that you know the kind of man he is, you'd be a fool to do anything else. He's not on your team, he's out for himself.

And the law says it's your decision.

KookyKitty · 06/11/2013 23:47

I'm married, kept my name and our daughter was given my surname.

We couldn't double barral as my name's already double barreled.

We agreed that husband could have final say on her first name as that seemed the fairest think to do.

Luckily for me I'm married to a man who's prepared to discuss things and we both reached a compromise.

samandi · 07/11/2013 08:24

Your DP is a moron. Redeeming features? Double-barrelling is equal and fair.

DontmindifIdo · 07/11/2013 08:57

OP - the current situation is you are together and have different names because you aren't married. The situation can change in 2 ways, you can get married and change your name to match his, or it could change by you two splitting up. If it changes the first way, by you two getting married, then you can change the DCs name easily upon marriage (this is very common to do). However, if it changes the other way, by you two splitting up, you will never be able to get the DCs surname changed to match yours unless your ExP would agree to it, which is very rare (I know several people who changed their surname to their mums once they were 18 - when it wasn't the dad's decision, I know noone who was able to change it earlier).

The first way you will always have the option of having the same surname as your DC (well, until they grow up and it stops being your choice). The second way, you don't.