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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding my teens relationship .

246 replies

kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 14:41

My daughter is 15 and has a long term boyfriend , they have been friends since primary and started dating at 12 ( childish stuff ) any way I know him very well and his parents and y daughter is very open with me about their relationship. I now let him stay over at out house and have taken her to the drs regarding the pill and we have very open conversations. anyway sunday morning I had my friend around and my daughters boyfriend came down in his pjs and she v clearly stated her opinions and made me feel like the worse mother in the world .. AIBU to let him stay at ours and vice versa.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 06/11/2013 08:33

I had loads of casual sex in my teens, I had a great time and there's nothing wrong with my self esteem or boundaries (and to the weirdo who thinks having sex will stop her daughter being a doctor - I became a dentist). I dislike the idea that sex for teenage girls is only to be encouraged within a relationship. Your youth is for experimenting and having fun, and sex is great fun.

Ragwort · 06/11/2013 08:40

Quite apart from the moral and legal aspects do people really want to be meeting their daughter's 15 year old boyfriend first thing in the morning or using the bathroom or even worse hearing them having sex? Grin

mrsjay · 06/11/2013 08:43

urm NO ragwort never (shudder)

usuallyright · 06/11/2013 09:16

I have a teenager.
We have an open, honest relationship.
I've told her that I'll be supportive if she wants a boyfriend. She hasn't got one yet. Thank god! When she does reach the stage of wanting to have sex, they can come here, hang out in her room, but there will be NO sleepovers. Shudder at the thought of bumping into my daughters boyfriend in the bathroom. Overnight=not going to happen.
As for those mumsnetters who had loads of fun, casual sex in their teens and were fine.... That's marvellous. But a high percentage of teens end up with chlamydia or pregnant or distracted from their studies. Sure, some become dentists. But many more become teen mums or taking tablets to cure some Sti or other. Nothing wrong with teen mums, but it's certainly not what I'd choose for my daughter and I've always given her the message that sex is about love ad trust, not fun, like some extra curricular school activity.

UC · 06/11/2013 09:19

In my experience, I wasn't allowed my boyfriend to stay in my teens (a long term, steady, nice one whom my parents liked). We used to park in the woods and do it in the car. I know where I'd rather any daughter of mine was....

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/11/2013 09:27

Why didn't you just do it in your bedroom or in his bedroom?

I can't see why two extremes are being portrayed of either inviting them to stay and all having breakfast together or having sex with loads of fellas in a field.

Ragwort · 06/11/2013 09:40

UC - would you seriously be happy if your DD (or DS) bought home a partner and just disappeared into the bedroom for sex whilst you are watching tv/working/cooking/whatever you do at home?

Surely sneaking around behind the bike sheds or in a car is a part of being a teenager, I can't imagine ever wanting to have sex in the same house as my parents .......... Grin

mrsjay · 06/11/2013 09:44

I thought doing it in the woods in the cark on a beach ibehide sand dunes was normal teen behaviour ?

mrsjay · 06/11/2013 09:44

in the car*

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 06/11/2013 09:44

I thought that was what INSET days were for.

RunFatGirlRun · 06/11/2013 09:52

I find MN so weird. Years ago under an old username I mused that to find a 14 year old attractive wouldn't necessarily make a young man a pervert, because so many 14 year old girls are very mature physically and seem to welcome sexual relationships (I wasn't for a minute saying that was a good thing, though!) I was torn limb from limb for suggesting a 14 year old might be seen as mature.

Yet on this thread apparently only weeks later a girl is old enough to have her mum facilitate frequent and illegal sexual activity - and the mum is to be congratulated for it?Confused I.don't get it.

The fact is that yes, teens shag. They are wired to challenge every boundary they see from A level choices to getting shitty tattoo they'll regret by 17. 15 is so young. And I totally agree with whoever said that the girl might have almost been looking to her mum to put a boundary in place. At 15, you're 50% rebel, 50% child.

Oh and as a final cautionary tale: a family member took this approach with her 15 year old son. She didn't realise his 'steady girlfriend' was not quite 14. She got pregnant. He was taken to thd police station and questioned on suspicion of statutory rape.

I wish you the best OP but I do believe this is wrong - if only in terms of the law.

jessieagain · 06/11/2013 10:08

Op I think that woman was very rude to you and it was none of her business.

Regarding your question about whether yabu to let him stay, I'm sorry but yes I think you are.

It is a difficult one but the laws regarding the age of consent are there for a reason and society (together with adolescent health expects) have decided upon these laws to protect young people.

I would do everything I could to delay dcs sex until the age of 16. However if I suspected they were having sex I would do all I could to protect their health against stds and pregnancy because that is the role of a parent. It is a very difficult situation to be in and I don't think people have the right to question/judge you openly about it.

SoonToBeSix · 06/11/2013 10:35

Yes yabu and good for your friend for caring. Your dd is 15, the law is there to protect under 16's why would you encourage her to have under age sex .

Liara · 06/11/2013 19:58

I love all the comments about how 16 is the age of consent and therefore it must be harmful to have sex before then.

What happens if you are in another country and the age of consent is different? Are they all wrong and only the UK is right?

In California it is 18. If your 17 yo was on holiday in California with their partner, would you tell them they can't have sex?

Ragwort · 06/11/2013 20:14

Liara - yes, in that hypothetical situation I would.

mrsjay · 06/11/2013 20:19

Liara in some countries it is 12 and they are married off , just because their is lower consent ages doesn't make it right for all children,

wordfactory · 06/11/2013 20:48

Liara here in the UK the age of consent has been given plenty of thought at least.

It takes into account the likely health risks on young bodies, and our views on emotional maturity. It also reflects the age that we think is the very least someone should be to be a parent (as all penetration involoves that risk, contraception or no).

It's regularly reviewed.

Are you suggesting people just ignore it because they don't like it? And is that a position you would take about most laws?

wordfactory · 06/11/2013 20:50

And yes, of course you obey the law abroad.

Or should we drink in Kuwait, cos we like a beer? Or spit in Singapre cos where's the harm?

ivykaty44 · 06/11/2013 21:50

the age of consent was moved to stop young girls being prostitutes, but you could still marry at 12 if female until 1929 and 14 if male - the reason it was raised to 16 was to make it the same across the board and equal for both sexes
rmhh.co.uk/files/marriage_age.rtf?

mumofweeboys · 06/11/2013 23:13

Only thing I think I would look at would be perhaps looking at the implant or injection as the pill can have a higher failure rate in teens. They have so much going on with school ect they can forget to take it.

intitgrand · 07/11/2013 09:04

You don't get to pick and choose which laws to obey!

schmee · 07/11/2013 09:42

I just wanted to say that your DD sounds very lucky. If I could choose a way to begin sexual relationships for my children, it would be as you describe - with a partner they have known for a long time, in a loving, caring relationship.

Yes, ideally they would be older than 16 when they started this relationship, but better this way at 15 than drunk with a stranger when they are 17.

The only issue for me is that you are condoning something which is against the law, and in theory this could get your daughter's bf into trouble. It sounds like you have a good enough relationship with her to discuss this moral maze in a mature way.

WhatTheFoxSays · 07/11/2013 10:54

You don't get to pick and choose which laws to obey!

Sure you can. People do it all the time.

And I say that as a lawyer.

WhatTheFoxSays · 07/11/2013 11:01

The only issue for me is that you are condoning something which is against the law, and in theory this could get your daughter's bf into trouble.

Age of consent applies to both males and females, so assuming he is underage as well, he wouldn't necessarily be the one who gets in trouble. That's assuming either of them would get in trouble for it.

The only way he would no doubt be in trouble for it was if she was under 13, which she isn't.

Crowler · 07/11/2013 11:04

I would not allow this, I would not be happy with my kids having sex at 15.

At 17 I may turn a blind eye but I wouldn't facilitate it.

I don't think it's ever nice to have your parenting called into question by a friend, that's out of order. Did you ask her what her opinion was on the matter?

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