AIBU regarding my teens relationship .

[kelziemumof3]

My daughter is 15 and has a long term boyfriend , they have been friends since primary and started dating at 12 ( childish stuff ) any way I know him very well and his parents and y daughter is very open with me about their relationship. I now let him stay over at out house and have taken her to the drs regarding the pill and we have very open conversations. anyway sunday morning I had my friend around and my daughters boyfriend came down in his pjs and she v clearly stated her opinions and made me feel like the worse mother in the world .. AIBU to let him stay at ours and vice versa.

Me and dh met when I was 14. My dm was great as was my now MIL. We started sleeping over at each others house a while after and I also asked my dm about the pill and she took me along to the docs.

I have never had a pg scare, got married before living with dh, had first child at 26, never had to worry about std's and dm always knew I would be safe when out with him even as a young teen.

Providing he is a good lad and your dd is sensible I would be happy if I were u. I would definitely be pleased if my dd met someone fairly young instead of tramping around the pubs at all hours of the night.

Your friend is BU.

But the point is, they are breaking the law under your roof, and you are facilitating it, and you don't seem to realise this

I would rather dd did not meet someone and settle down young and id rather she went " tramping around pubs" instead-

I'm sure she will do what she wants whatever tho.

I too am uncomfortable with the accusations of naivety or having led a sheltered life. I had my first solid at 14- many teens do. Will I take my kids to the local drug dealers or let them smoke in my house? No I won't.

Solid! Spliff!

I'd rather my kids didn't settle down young either. I would hope that they would live a bit first, nothing at all wrong with 'tramping around pubs'.

Yanbu. I had a similar relationship and my mother was similarly open about it.

It was a very good first experience, and I am very lucky to have had it. We ended it eventually as we grew apart as we grew older.

I went on to be happily married to my dh of now over 20 years. We had 2 dc (in my 30s).

Most of my friends whose parents were less open ended up having sex anyway, just in fairly grim places.

And they all had dc younger than me.

I would have no issue at all with a 19- 23 year old tramping around pubs but would be very worried if DD didn't have kids until her thirties. Thing is, none of that is really my business as she would be an adult. What she does as a young teen very much is my business and my responsibility.

I don't know. Maybe I was just lucky, but my children have said that knowing how utterly disappointed (and yes, to start with, angry) that I would have been if they'd come home pregnant or with a pregnant partner, it did make them think. So unprotected sex wasn't going to happen and they weren't having sex underage either.

And they knew there wasn't a snowball's chance in hell of having a boyfriend/girlfriend sleeping over.

I am not going to condone something I fundamentally disagree with just because they may 'do it anyway'.

The thing is, though, my parents would have been utterly disappointed if I'd come home pregnant as a teenager. They didn't let me have a boyfriend to stay over in my bedroom until I was 18.

I still lost my virginity at 15, and unlike OPs daughter, it wasn't to someone I knew a long time, it was to a virtual stranger. To be fair, he was a decent enough guy and it wasn't exactly a bad experience for me, and no harm came of it.

I was having casual sex by the time I was 16 and lying to my parents about where I was (potentially putting myself in danger). Nothing bad ever happen, and my parents never found out what I was up to. As I got older, they relaxed, and we went back to having an open and honest relationship.

I think it is very naive to think that just because a parent tells you to wait, you will wait.

Whilst yes, it is technically illegal, the law does state it "does not exist to prosecute teens of a similar age experimenting together".

In this situation, I believe your daughter would have probably had sex regardless, and she might have lied about where she was in order to do it. I think once you start lying, it becomes easier and easier, and it can lead to potentially dangerous situations.

I understand why you've done what you've done. I couldn't do it because I fundamentally disagree with 15 year-olds having sex (and yes I do remember what it's like at that age!) and I wouldn't condone it under my roof.
However it's your family and you do what you think is best.

I agree with NannyOgg on this one.

One of my daughters didn't have anyone staying over until they were actually engaged and the other was in a very long term, almost certainly leading to marriage relationship. I know that will cause a few raised eyebrows, but we were very uncomfortable with the idea of a succession of boyfriends having sex with our daughters under our roof. The chance of the first boyfriend being the last seemed very slim.

I don't care much if people think it's weird. It worked for us and I think it worked for our children too. We have a close and happy relationship with them and I wouldn't do it any differently. And yes we also had the contraception talk. I'm not totally naïve and I didn't want either of them to come home pregnant because of ignorance.

We all parent in our own way and that's fine, but I just couldn't have encouraged under age sex.

I think the OP is a lovely mum and I think the relationship they have sounds really good and healthy.

Her daughter came to her. She acknowledge that she was going to have sex. The OP dealt with that in what I think is the best way possible, helping with contraception, allowing it to be an open conversation and a non judgemental one.

If they were both ready to have sex they would have done it regardless of them being able to sleep over or not. Least this way they are safe from outside dangers.

I'm not sure but your friend is rude and as this is not a life threatening decision for your daughter, I would say it is yours to make.

1. if a teenager has decided they want sex then it's highly likely they'll do it whether their parents like it or not. Unfortunatly as nice as it would be, parents can't assume their wishes are going to be respected in relation to this so I think the best thing is talking about it frankly and letting them know their options.

There's no point talking about anecdotes, but I was 15 7 years ago and I can honestly say there were very few girls who hadn't lost their virginity by 16. I have 2 brothers, one 2 years below me and one 4. We had a discussion about it and it was the same for them. This could be due to the area we live in, or a number of things but the numbers are indeed substantial. Statistically 1 in 4 girls have underage sex - I would say these numbers aren't completely accurate as people may be ashamed to answer. Only a third of those speak to their family about it which is sad.

But I don't get the connection between knowing your kids are having protected sex and them having their partners to sleepover. Can you not have one without the other?

I think yes you're right, but sometimes it's better being close to home with things like that I suppose? I'm not sure if it's what I would do personally were I in that position, but it looks like it works for the OP and her daughter

But I don't get the connection between knowing your kids are having protected sex and them having their partners to sleepover. Can you not have one without the other?

This ^

There are two issues for me here.

Firstly, while the OP's daughter may be mature, she is still under the legal age of consent. There are lots of other things that teenagers 'do' regardless of legality. Why is the sex seen as OK and teen experimentation, when drinking/drug taking etc would not be condoned or accommodated within the house?

Secondly, and this is more concerning for me (or will be when dd is same age) is the extent to which allowing the boy to stay overnight is making the relationship about more than experimentation and personal development and more like an adult marriage or partnership. I agree with the previous poster who said that when the relationship is so very much accommodated and fostered by the permission to stay overnight as a couple, it becomes harder for either party to move on as generally happens with first relationships, and for good reason. A bit like freshers week at university where you spend a week hysterically bonding and then the remaining 3 years trying to avoid the people you met in the first week. Much harder to do if they're living in the same house.

I didn't have sex until I was 16. I was allowed my boyfriend in my bedroom and no questions were asked about what we got up to. But absolutely no way would my mother have been happy about overnight stays. I agree with the way she dealt with things. Understanding that sex is part of growing up, but not aiding or abetting me in getting carried away with a grown up relationship. With hindsight I think it was a very good balance.

But I was 16 when I first had sex and I absolutely would not have done it before. It's against the law and I know my mother would have been disappointed.

I think it's too young - 17 or 18 then maybe fine but 15? But then I think allowing or facilitating them 'dating' at 12 was too young too. I wouldn't have encouraged that at all. It's happened all too fast in my view. At 12 I would have obviously not banned them from seeing each other - forbidden fruit and all that - but you could have talked your daughter out of it, got her into something else, kept her busy, unless she was particularly strong willed and mature for her age. It would have got a raised eyebrow from me but I'm not sure I would have said anything. I believe there is plenty of time for these things and 15 is too young, but I would have been heading that off well before that.

I respect your opinions but personally I would never allow my underage DD to have her boyfriend staying over especially when there are other younger children in the house. 15 is too young for a girl or boy to be having sex.

I wasn't allowed a boyfriend at all at that age let alone overnight stays. No boys till16 and no overnights till marriage was the rule. I never finished uni the first time round. I got in with a total wrong 'un and spent what should have been my graduation day pregnant. I love DS1 to bits but it was not how I or my folks planned my life.

I am v proud of how my dd was open and being sensible, I would be more concerned ifnshe had come home and told me she had sex with a guy who she didnt know v well. They dont live with eachother its the occasjonal saturday. She isnt interested in other boys and I know where they r at all times. I know my daughter is not in danger and sleeping around. She is doing great at school and I have no reason to believe her being in a relationship at 15 effects her school or social life in the slightest.

I think the OP , and her daughter, are both to be commended for the way they have handled this and if they are happy it is no one elses business to judge. Openness is very important. I would just ask (sorry if I missed it) what about HIS parents? do they know? would they mind?

I have an old school friend who met her now DH when they were 13 and have been together and had no other partners since then (now mid 40s). I on the other hand decided to wait till I was married. As did my Dh. So we have only been with each other too. I realise neither of these represents the average persons experience, they are probably equally unlikely! It is possible that OPs DD has found "the one" - it is also possible to wait years and find "the one". Many people like to have multiple partners and see no need to be in an exclusive monogamous relationship. I also have old friends who had a string of partners, and one whose parents thought she was a virgin, who was actually VERY promiscuous and had a baby at 16. Al of these people have turned out ok and ALL are happy with their choices. Not everyone is the same.

I will be encouraging my DDs to wait, as long as poss, but at the same time making sure they are equipped to make any decisions they need to re personal safety and contraception.