AIBU regarding my teens relationship .

[kelziemumof3]

My daughter is 15 and has a long term boyfriend , they have been friends since primary and started dating at 12 ( childish stuff ) any way I know him very well and his parents and y daughter is very open with me about their relationship. I now let him stay over at out house and have taken her to the drs regarding the pill and we have very open conversations. anyway sunday morning I had my friend around and my daughters boyfriend came down in his pjs and she v clearly stated her opinions and made me feel like the worse mother in the world .. AIBU to let him stay at ours and vice versa.

Hi kelzie - first off, you sound like a great mum

It is such a tricky situation and there is no right answer, all you can do is what you feel is best for your daughter.

I was never close to my mom when I was growing up, I had lots of boyfriends between the ages of 12-14 but sex and relationships was never really discussed. When I was 15 I got my first 'real boyfriend' who I did love and it was him I lost my virginity to. Even though I was at that age my mom still didn't talk to me about sex/contraception and I fell pregnant 3 months after meeting him. We had waited until I was 16 to have sex though. I'm not saying my lack of closeness with my mother was why I got pregnant (I was also young and stupid, I knew what I was doing) but I often wonder if things would have been different if I felt like I could talk to her about that side of life and her her advice and support. Needless to say she ended my relationship with that guy and the topic was never spoken about again.

As I progressed through my teens I continued to have boyfriends and despite me having fell pregnant previously my mom still didn't sit down and talk to me about the responsibilities of sexual relationships and contraception etc - though she would make occasional references to "to trouble I once caused"

I was never, ever, ever allowed a boyfriend to stay the night. I wasn't even allowed them in my bedroom, even though I had a downstairs bedroom which was next to the living room. Even when I was 19/20 boys in the bedroom was still a definite no-no. I knew better than to even ask if my boyfriend could stay over. My sister was slightly older than me and even when she was 21 and had been with her boyfriend for over 2 years, he still wasn't allowed to sleep over. I think the first time I ever had a boyfriend stay over at her house was when I was about 23/24 and I had gone to visit her for the weekend as I had moved away to Uni by this point. However, from the age of 17/18 she'd had no qualms about letting me or my sister stating at our boyfriends houses, they just weren't allowed to stay with us at her house.

I'm not really going to pass any judgement on your situation as I can see both sides of the argument - I just don't think it is as black and white as some people want it to be. I think the most important thing is to keep things open and honest with your daughter and do what you think works best for you as a family. Your daughter obviously trusts you and feels close to you so you are definitely doing something right. I would have loved to have the kind of relationship with my mom that you have with your daughter x x

pooka said what I was thinking.
I think the early experiences of relationships are very special and necessary and that by having an almost "marriage" scenario at such a young she might by pass this valuable learning.
I loved being able to leave my early boyfriends testosterone and sock smelling bedroom to retreat back to my familiar childhood bedroom with my teddies and soft nighties, I liked the easing into adulthood and adult relationships whilst being able to revert to being a child again.
I feel she may miss out there.
Also would it not make a break up harder to bear?

Now she is used to being in a sexual relationship, what happens if she comes home next week with a new boyfriend?

Op-please go and educate yourself with the statistics-you were a teen mum and therefore your dd is more likely to be a teen mum. Not set in stone of course but more probability and you are actively facilitating this because the pill is not 100% reliable and also does not protext against std's.

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your daughter. Your friend is totally unreasonable. If a young couple is to have sex etc they will, surely safely in your house with the pill is better than behind the bus shelter when drunk!

pinupgirl that is a very nasty comment. Op you are lucky that your daughter comes to you.

I was 14 when I lost my virginity, to my best friends big brother in his bedroom whilst the family was out. I continued to have sex with him for two years, without my parents knowledge and whilst I don't regret the relationship we had I wish I had been in a proper relationship with someone who loved me.

When I was 16 I started seeing my now-husband. The first time he stayed over my mother was away, seeing family 200 miles away. He wouldn't get undressed in case she came home unexpectedly!!! However a couple of weeks later she invited him to stay over after a party and he basically never left! We had our first baby when I was 18. We married on my 21st birthday and have now been married nearly 9 years.

Our oldest dd is 10, so not at that stage yet, but I hope with all my heart she would come to me. I would rather she was safe and I knew what was going on. Sex is something I could deal with. I like to think I could cope with teenage pregnancy.

Guess I should add that both me and my sisters have been allowed boyfriends to stay over - and we've been allowed to stay at theirs as teenagers. Mind, with strict instructions not to get pregnant! Most of my friends and cousins have also had the same rules. Nobody has got pregnant too early so far. Teens will have sex regardless what the parents' opinion on this matter is :)

Pinupgirl, perhaps you want to wind your neck in a bit. You are presuming to predict the future for a person you don't know. You're also assuming that the OP doesn't know the statistics. And you're making an assumption that the teenage couple could now or could previously have been dissuaded from having sex. That seems touchingly naive for someone who affects a tone of world-weary wisdom towards the OP.

Some posters need to spend some time watching Skins and catch up.

On another point - I'm a bit disturbed by this notion that sex is only ever right if it happens within the context of a loving relationship. That reeks of religious morality. It may be more risky outside that context, but there's no reason whatsoever why it can't be satisfying. That is as true for teens as it is for adults. I had some of my best sexual experiences outside of loving relationships. They were respectful, equal and fun. What was true for me was true for plenty of my friends too.

'Some posters need to spend some time watching Skins and catch up.'

Many teenagers lives are nothing like Skins, I don't think it helps to assume that all teenagers are living the Skins lifestyle.

I wouldnt encourage this at all, at such a young age.

But what I would not do, is be in someone else's home and take it upon myself to vocalise my disapproval. If I did that - particularly in front of the mother, daughter, and boyfriend - Id expect to be asked to leave pronto, and not receive an invitation back. Its beyond rude and uncalled for.

For the record, I have 2 teen DDs aged 18 & 19. They roll their eyes when Skins come on. We've done the sex talk etc always been open with each other, and are very close. The elder feels ready at the mo, the younger doesnt. Thats cool with me, Im happy with that. I dont expect everyone else to feel like me, however. Each to their own.

I also dont believe that Skins is a true reflection of teen life either. Its just a TV programme depicting what lots of adults want to believe - that all teens are obsessed with sex, mostly to the exclusion of all else. Says something about the adults who create these programmes too, but thats another story..

it sounds like you have a fantastic mum, my dds are similar ages and older dd, nearly 15, has a long term bf who stops over but I know they are not having sex.

we discuss everything and so she knows that when the time is right for her we will discuss contraception. she wants to wait till she's 16 so will see.

my mom never discussed sex with me and so I ended up
having risky sex at 15 with several lads. if she had chatted to me it wouldn't have happened.

discussing things with teens empowers them.

we have older lads too but never allowed girls to stop over under 16 and only after checking with parents.

so we were actually stricter with the lads.

to add most teenagers definatly don't live like skins as most adults don't live like Eastenders!!!!

Skins? Really?

Could someone please explain to me how encouraging your daughter to break the law makes her a fantastic mother?

For all of you who say "remember what you were like at 15", I was living a normal childs life and certainly not in the slightest bit interested in boys! So all 15 year olds are not the same.
Im amazed with the poster that said it is now normal and to be expected that 14 or 15 year olds are sexually active, they are still Children! (aren't they?) Is that really true or do kids just like to boast about it like theyve always done?

urm skins is fictional and over played and exaggerated and the kids are all older and not actually having underage sex, and I would rather not take my teen education from an youth e 4 programme ta muchy

my dd is 15 and still a child yes you get 15 year olds who act maturer but they are still children imo

pin up girl seriously get over yourself .. yes I had my dd at 17 , but you do not know the situation so please do not state you know me or my daughter because you don't. !!!!!!

welcome to mumsnet op

To the OP. May I suggest you show DD this attachment as an example of a role model. www.qehbristol.co.uk/news-story-749.html

I don't think the above link worked. Anyway, its about a fifteen year old Bristol lad (Lewis Clarke) hoping to become the youngest person to ski to the South Pole, thus raising money for the Princes Trust. Its a shame so many young people are lacking in aspirations.

haha so my dd has no aspirations aswell ... do people just make assumptions ? my dd is doing extremely well at school and outside of school so she doesn't need to read anything thanks though.

mmmm yes can I add that it's perfectly possible for a teen to be high achieving, sociable, fund raising and involved in charity and ALSO be interested in boys and beginning to develop sexual feelings. my dd is the above.

it's not either/or.

I went to an all girls grammar school and had a pony tail, blazer and was well behaved. I was also a regular at the brook centre opposite and in the pill at 15..my parents had absolutely no idea.

of course not all teens are interested in relationships but some are and you have to adapt your parenting skills to deal with your particular child.

perhaps the op should be very proud that she has raised a sensible teen who discusses things with her mother and is doing well at school.

well done op.

I agree it isn't either/or thebody just because a girl is having sex doesnt mean she has no aspirations that is just daft,