AIBU regarding my teens relationship .

[kelziemumof3]

My daughter is 15 and has a long term boyfriend , they have been friends since primary and started dating at 12 ( childish stuff ) any way I know him very well and his parents and y daughter is very open with me about their relationship. I now let him stay over at out house and have taken her to the drs regarding the pill and we have very open conversations. anyway sunday morning I had my friend around and my daughters boyfriend came down in his pjs and she v clearly stated her opinions and made me feel like the worse mother in the world .. AIBU to let him stay at ours and vice versa.

Saying that my dd's aren't teens yet! I may change my mind when they get to that age, our parenting style is to go with the flow and deal with situations as they arise, I know I wouldn't be happy with underage dd having sex in my house but if the alternative was in an alley way, at a friends house or a school (all places friends of Mullins have lost their birginity :() then I would probably reconsider.

If a child is going to be sexually active, they going to do it with parents knowledge or not....I would rather my 15yo on contraception and in the knowledge shes active under my roof rather than it being some quickie somewhere which resulted in teen preganancy.
May be under age but todays kids are far more sexually aware than generations before them, and 14/15 is now considered an acceptable age generally to be active

I'm actually sick I predictive text!

Agree with Tryharder, it is below the age of consent which is enough of a reason for me to say 'no' - or at least not in my house and I would not be encouraging a sexual relationship at that age.

You may be OK with the fact she is in a 'steady' relationship now, but will you be happy to allow future boyfriends to sleep over - this happened to a friend of mine & she got totally fed up with a stream of different young men making cups of tea in her kitchen in the morning .

One 15 year old girl can vary wildly from the next, DD is reasonably immature at 16 and prefers to stay at home gaming, reading etc. Her best friend is a very immature 15, no desire for makeup, clothes, boys, going out etc. Me? I was in the pub at that age and out every night.
I don't really understand why a girl is deemed too immature for sex at 15 and yet magically the next day she turns 16 and is suddenly mature enough. Surely there has to be some room to manoeuvre here and a parent knows their child better than anyone else.

Personally I think YANBU, I'd much rather a girl was having responsible, protected sex in a safe environment than behind a bowling pavilion in the local park. You know your DD.

It is other people's business. No-one parents in a vacuum. We've decided, as a society, that under 16s are not old enough to be sexually responsible. We condemn and prosecute people that have sex with those under age. Throwing teens together with overnight stays is encouraging and condoning behaviour that they're not emotionally equipped to handle if it goes wrong. Giving a 15yo responsibility for taking a pill every day is a big ask. What would have been the problem in asking them to respect each other enough to wait a while and trusting them to understand why?

I can understand the friend's alarm.

Your dd is lucky in that she has the opportunity ti have a relationship with her mother looking out for her in the background. She can learn from someone who definitely cares about her how a loving relationship works. If she's unsure she clearly knows she can come to you for non-judgemental support. It's very unlikely in that case that she will put up with bad treatment. Lucky girl and lucky you that you don't have to helplessly worry about what she's experiencing.

The only thing I have trouble with is the pill. She is still developing sexually and the long term use of artificial hormones hasn't been tested on teenagers so I would feel a bit uneasy about that.

What perturbs me, is where do you draw the line?

I've seen shoulder shrugs and "Oh you can't stop them" on MN about children who were barely 14.

According to some parents as long as the teens involved are using contraception then it seems anything goes.

That seems very irresponsible to me and it's odd that some parents take very firm opinions on all aspects of their teens lives, but are so laissez faire about personal relationships, despite the huge fall out they can have, especially on girls.

I do not think teenagers need to be having sexual relationships below the age of consent, and tbh, think there's a lot to be said for steering clear of of romantic relationships until you are older, I just don't see the rush.

It's not a decision I would make OP.

And I don't buy the notion that a parent has to allow anyhting in their home just because their DC is 'doing it anyway'.

By that token we would have to let them drink underage, take drugs etc etc.

But I would not tell you my feelings.

I think there's a vast difference between a 13/14/15 year old shagging randoms and a 15 year old who has been in a relationship with one boy for years.

Teaching kids to value themselves and their decisions is really important and I think the OP has done this. Her dd could have been having sex for years but has waited. She is in a stable relationship with a boy she trusts. They would probably have sex anyway so making sure she is protected from an unwanted pregnancy is very sensible.

What if maybe your daughter was hoping you'd say no? What if she didn't really feel ready and hoped 'My mum says you can't stay over' would be a good enough excuse to put it off for a while until she did feel ready?

You can encourage your daughter to take charge of contraceptive choices, but allowing sleepovers just seems wrong to me. I met DP when I was 23 and he was 28 and we weren't allowed to share a room at his parents house until we had been together for over a year.

Ditch the 'friend'.

It's not her business.

You may not be able to stop them but that doesn't mean you should encourage them.By putting her on the pill and having her boyfriend sleeping over you are actively encouraging her to have underage sex.

see if my daughter bought any boy home who had been together for 3 days I would obviously feel differently lol.

my daughter and her boyfriend r v grown up in their attitudes towards eachother, they go out for dinners not getting drunk in the park , both know what they want to do after school and I think actually their stable relationship helps with their focus.

it w not an over night decision in the slightest , she came to me and discussed that her and boyfriend had nearly got in to a situation where it turned in to sex and we had a grown up discussion where I spoke to her about the cons etc .

they r both respectful of our house and each other.

I think you're doing the right thing. When I was her age, I had sex in the street because I had nowhere else to go. It was in a caring, long term, wonderful relationship that I have zero regrets about, but it would have been much better to have been warm and safe indoors.

OP, coming from a parent who never ever ever EVER wants my DS to have a girlfriend... I think you should pat yourself on the back for the relationship you & your DD have.
As far as I can tell, your DD understands sex is right in a long-term relationship, when it is safe & both parties are consenting. That it is natural & normal & that it should be done at home & in private, and not just with anyone. Which to be honest, a lot of my friends at 15 didn't understand most of that about sex, with one losing her virginity on a field across from our school by a main road
You've ensured your daughter is practising safe sex in a loving relationship, there's not much more you can do. And with other posters asking where you draw the line, well when all of those factors ^^ aren't present!
just maybe make sure he gets dressed before he comes downstairs next time you have company

just they could get pregnant in your house too I would discourage underage sex there is a girl atm in dds year 15 and pregnant her boyfriend stayed at her house all the time so saying oh well least I know she wont get pregnant is rubbish contraceptive fails contraceptive is not fool proof,

The idea that just because someone has a steady boyfriend, it's automatically a loving, positive relationship is very misguided.

A recent NSPCC study showed that a large number of teenage girls are experiencing intimate partner violence and abuse: www.nspcc.org.uk/Inform/research/findings/partner_exploitation_and_violence_wda68092.html

On these discussions, the parents are always giving themselves pats on the back for being open about contraception, but I wonder if consent and boundaries are ever discussed?

Absolutely what GoshAnneGorilla says. I couldn't find the words for it, but that says it clearly.

I never said she wouldn't get pregnant at all, im saying at least knowing the situation and having an open mind with my dd I can control the situation. if I shut it down and went mental they could be having sex in the park , no protection etc.

goshanne trust me with the bottom of my heart me and my daughter discussed in full lengths the emotional side and whether pressure peer or partner pressure was involved.

But it doesn't sound like an abusive relationship at all. They sound committed and mature - certainly more mature than I was at even 18.

I have a friend whose dd got pregnant at 13. There was no chatting about contraception because her mother was in complete denial that her dd could be up to anything. She was not being safe. She was having sex with multiple partners in the park. She wasn't even sure who the father was.

Isn't it better that the OP's dd can talk to her mum about these things? If she forgets her pill I'm sure she'd feel confident enough to tell her mum, which is much better than the alternative.

Yanbu.

My mother used to insist I not stay over in my bfs house even if it meant I had to get a taxi at 3 in the morning. It never actually stopped us having sex it just meant I wasted money on taxis and resented her and never told her anything about my relationship. We used to have sex in my bedroom while my parents cooked dinner downstairs! I don't think anyone would feel encouraged.or obligated to have sex by this situation. I think teenagers who don't have such understanding parents are far more likely to listen to their friends and be pressured into risky sex.

GoshAnneGorilla To be fair, in the OP's case this boy has stayed with them since childhood and their children were friends who grew up together. This is just about the 'safest' relationship her child can be in.

and I can 100 percent tell you that there is no violence invoved , also another reason I like the fact they have somewhere to go. because I can see whats happening regarding there arguments or tough times.