AIBU regarding my teens relationship .

[kelziemumof3]

My daughter is 15 and has a long term boyfriend , they have been friends since primary and started dating at 12 ( childish stuff ) any way I know him very well and his parents and y daughter is very open with me about their relationship. I now let him stay over at out house and have taken her to the drs regarding the pill and we have very open conversations. anyway sunday morning I had my friend around and my daughters boyfriend came down in his pjs and she v clearly stated her opinions and made me feel like the worse mother in the world .. AIBU to let him stay at ours and vice versa.

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

You sound like a great mother btw - I would just deal with it differently.

[mrsjay]

fwiw I think you are doing the right thing for your dd it is just I don't agree with it and it isn't something i would encourage

[SevenOnwardsAndUpwards]

Whilst I wouldn't be particularly happy with the idea of them having sex I think its great that she knows she can talk to you about it. If they're going to do it anyway, which they will if that's what they want, better in a safe environment than in the bushes.

[ExcuseTypos]

My DDs are 19 and 22. I would never have allowed them to have boyfriends staying over at 15.

My DDs didn't even ask as they would know what the answer would be. We always talked about relationships/sex etc. but it's just something that wouldn't even enter my head to allow at that age.

[SevenOnwardsAndUpwards]

Either a lot of posters led very sheltered lives as teenagers or have completely forgotten what it's like to be 15. If they want to have sex they will regardless, much better to be open about it. If my daughters feel able to talk to me about it when they're old enough I'll know I've done a good job of raising them.

[SantanaLopez]

fwiw I think you are doing the right thing for your dd it is just I don't agree with it and it isn't something i would encourage

This!

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

I don't believe the only alternative to sleepovers at home is shagging in a bush.

[ExcuseTypos]

wordfactory
"You can't stop teeneagers having sex.
You can't stop teenagers bunking school.
You can't stop teenagers smoking.
You can't stop teenagers drinking.
You can't stop teenagers taking drugs.
You can't stop teenagers shop lifting...

You can't actually stop them doing anyhting.

But you can do your level best to prevent them. You don't have to just agree and facilitate!"


Just wanted to repost that fantastic post, Word, as it sums it all up for me.

[ivykaty44]

Op I wonder if you are over compensating for your dd due to your own teen years? You are possibly being much more liberal as you don't want your dd to have a relationship where she can't come to you and so are making what you think is a valid choice based on your own experiences - don't we all - and possibly have the balance swayed over but are unaware of this.

What happens if your dd's b/f dumps her next week and she goes though a period of having many b/f will they be ok to stay over at the weekend? how will you know if it is serious or not and whether to say no - but ex stayed over etc, what will the rules be? Will she have had to date for 4 months or 6 months or 12 months before they can stay over etc

[BackforGood]

^There seems to be the general consensus that all teens are having sex from an early age whether the parent likes it or not. I disagree with that. I didn't lose my virginity until my late teens and neither did a lot of my friends.

I think 15 is too young to be having sex hence the reason why the age of consent is 16.

I also don't want my children when they are still children having sex in my house.^

This ^ from the first page. Then add in the fact there is a legal age, and she hasn't reached it yet.

As someone said on P4, you might not be able to actually stop your dc from doing all sorts of things you don't want them to do, but that certainly doesn't mean you should be facilitating it, and condoning it.

(I have a 15 yr old, - and a 17 yr old - so am not just talking from the perspective of this all being some theoretical ideology)

[sparechange]

Kelzie, I don't have teenage DCs, but I do remember being that age, and having parents who wouldn't let my boyfriend spend time alone in my bedroom, let alone stay over.

I had talk after talk about waiting, waiting for someone special, waiting until I was older, but it all fell on deaf ears. Consequently, we snuck around to have sex. In fields, in his car, in his friends' houses. I probably put myself at far greater risks by doing this, not only of being caught and arrested, but of contraception not working properly - a 15 year old using a condom for the first time in a field with long grass, desperately hoping to get it on right and also hoping that no one will catch them is really not going to do it as well as someone relaxing at home.

Yes in an ideal world, they would think of themselves as children with their lives ahead of them for sex and do nothing more than kiss and hold hands, but come on, that is so naive in the extreme that I'm slightly shocked anyone can actually post it in any seriousness.

But you are 'de-risking' the situation as much as possible. The only downside I can think of is that you wouldn't be able to say 'but I had no idea it was happening' if god forbid, she got pregnant. But you are doing everything possible to prevent that from happening, and I think your parenting should be applauded, not criticised, by your friend.

[Orangeanddemons]

How old is he? If he is 16 you are breaking the law in your own house. Yes, teenagers have sex, and yes they will always find places and ways of doing it. But that doesn't mean you have to provide a place for them to,do it, when they are underage.

I am a secondary school teacher, if this was happening to one of my students, I would be obliged by law to report it, as it is a Child Protection Issue. Whether you agree with it or not

[Orangeanddemons]

What you should be doing is discussing the reasons why the age of consent is there with her, and that it is there to protect her, rather than just letting it happen.

[Pinupgirl]

So you are 32 and you have a 15 year old dd? Are you not scared of history repeating itself then?

My mum was very open with me about sex,I went on the pill at 15 and had sex-not under my mums roof may I add! I wish my mum had spoke less about contraception and avoiding pregnancy and more about having the self respect to wait tbh.

[DumSpiroSpero]

Another fence sitter here.

In abstract I wouldn't be keen due to them being under the age of consent and particularly due to the younger children in the house. In all honesty I hope it's not something I'll have to deal with my DD.

That said, my friend was in your situation last year when she found out her 15yo DD was sleeping with her bf of 6 months, and she took the same approach as you. He was, and is a lovely lad and is like part of the family now (they'll have been together 2 years next month).

When it comes down to it, I'd rather DD was sleeping with someone she was in a long term relationship under my roof at 15/16 than shagging random blokes at parties 2 or 3 years later (I realise it's not either/or but if I every have to pick that battle it will be a factor in my decision making).

[freyasnow]

Seven onwards, I don't feel particularly sheltered. I wasn't having sex at 15, my 15 year old isn't having sex (or dating). Most teenagers don't have underage sex. Yes, we should all be able to openly talk to teenagers about sex, but that doesn't mean leading them to believe that penetrative sex is the usual experience for a fifteen year old, because it isn't. There's little point being open about sex if by doing so you feed them misinformation and myths.

[kelziemumof3]

They r both 15, and pin up me having her 17 has nothing to do with it, you dont know the circumstances.
Im very proud of my daughter and how she came to me first. I didnt agree with it but had to think what was best for her safety.
I do wonder what some of you would do if u unaware your child was hsving sex and then theycome home pregnant.

[ZombieMojaveWonderer]

Not all of us had sex at 15 actually. I was having fun being a kid and concentrating on my eventing.
Only 2 of my friends had sex that early and one of them ended up pregnant.

[AnandaTimeIn]

^"you can't stop teenagers from having sex"

That's defeatist logic.^

No, it's not. It's reality.

I am mid-50's and there was a girl when I was 12 of my age who became pregnant (daughter of a vicar LOL)

I also have a friend who fell in love with her husband at 12 (he was 14). They're still together.

You never know how life will work out.

However, there's no way I would let my 15 year-old daughter have her boyfriend over to stay. However long she had known him.

I have a DS of 22 and am a single mum since he was 6 months old.

Yes, teenagers have sex. No reason why I should facilitate it in my house....

And yes, even on the pill she could get pregnant. It happens. Then what? All 3 of them live in her bedroom?

You should be focusing her on her future and becoming independent first. i.e. finish school, get a qualification, job, become financially independent....

[kelziemumof3]

I havent once said everyone has sex at 15.

[GoshAnneGorilla]

"There's little point being open about sex if by doing so you feed them misinformation and myths."

Exactly Freya. The "They're all at it" attitude is extremely worrying.

[kelziemumof3]

But she would have more of a chance if she wasnt on the pill, as I said I was not happy about it but I can only do what I feel is best and that is keeping lines of communication open and to make sure she is safe.

[freyasnow]

Kelzie, I know you didn't say that. I was responding to another poster. I think you're just trying to make the best decision for your individual child.

[freyasnow]

Yes, GothAnne, I don't like that attitude at all because not only is it not true that most teens have underage sex, it also means that as the parent you are the one exerting peer pressure type arguments. My kids talk to me about sex. It isn't any kind of accomplishment, point of pride or evidence that I am unsheltered, Down with the kids or a great parent. It is actually a pretty basic function of being a parent that most parents do.

[ivykaty44]

If you are unaware that your dc is having sex then comes home pg, well I would be upset that protection hadn't been used as there is more to be worried about than just getting pg. I would be worried that my dd hadn't listen to sex ed and me about how to protect yourself. But what would I do - I would deal with the situation.

What is the difference between a dd having sex with your knowledge or without your knowledge though and getting pg?

Keeping lines of communication open with your teens is important - but whatever you think they will not tell you everything and keep things to themselves, not secrets but they want to keep things to themselves it is part of growing up.

Not all dd's are open even if they grow up in the same household