Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding my teens relationship .

246 replies

kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 14:41

My daughter is 15 and has a long term boyfriend , they have been friends since primary and started dating at 12 ( childish stuff ) any way I know him very well and his parents and y daughter is very open with me about their relationship. I now let him stay over at out house and have taken her to the drs regarding the pill and we have very open conversations. anyway sunday morning I had my friend around and my daughters boyfriend came down in his pjs and she v clearly stated her opinions and made me feel like the worse mother in the world .. AIBU to let him stay at ours and vice versa.

OP posts:
Original poster
kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 17:02

cogito we had all these conversations. and tbf they have v little arguments and tough times means anything from even family life to school. we r there for them no matter what is what I mean.

OP posts:
ZombieMojaveWonderer · 04/11/2013 17:03

I don't agree I'm afraid. I just couldn't encourage that at all. I will not put my daughter on the pill and invite her boyfriend to stay for fear that she will get pregnant having sex in the park. My daughter knows better than that and will wait, just like I did. I guess I am lucky in that she wants to be a doctor and she will not let anything get in the way of achieving that.

fivefourthreetwoone · 04/11/2013 17:03

I just dont understand why you let him stay over night fine they are sexually active you cant stop that it just seems so mature and familiar and adult and they are not adults

Exactly, you can't stop teenagers from having sex. I think that's exactly why the OP allows him to stay. She'd much rather have them do it in the house where she knows their safe.

mrsjay · 04/11/2013 17:04

Just because many of us would not enable a fifteen year old to have underage sex, does not mean sex is a taboo subject.

this

fivefourthreetwoone · 04/11/2013 17:04

Why would having sex get in the way of your daughter's ambition to be a doctor?

Original poster
kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 17:05

zombie my daughter also has dreams and so does he, I know they are sensible.

I think parents who think them saying " I don't agree think you should wait " are a bit naïve ,we all want r children to respect what we believe but it doesn't always work out that way.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/11/2013 17:06

"you can't stop teenagers from having sex"

That's defeatist logic. Bring them up to respect themselves and respect your judgement and they will exercise some restraint. The OP clearly has a very good relationship with the DD and I believe that if she'd said 'you're not ready yet' the DD would have respected that.

GhostsInSnow · 04/11/2013 17:06

15 year olds can find themselves happily in long term relationships, one of my school friends began a relationship with a classmate in our second year in high school (13). She's just turned 40, they have 3 beautiful daughters and have been married many years. Its probably rare, but it does happen.

What is the alternative? A headstrong 15 year old girl is going to have sex if thats what she wants to do be it behind the bush or a safe environment. Short of locking them in their rooms I suspect there is little that can be done. The fact that OP's daughter can be open enough to tell her what she is doing is commendable and shows what a great relationship they have.

YouTheCat · 04/11/2013 17:06

They are going to do it anyway. Would it be better that they are having sex in the park?

Some people are not ready for a proper, sexual relationship until their 20s. Some people are ready in their teens. Not everyone is the same.

fivefourthreetwoone · 04/11/2013 17:07

I also love how so many parents seem to think that their teens would never do such a thing (not anyone in particular on here, just a general comment). How naive.

freyasnow · 04/11/2013 17:07

Scandinavian teenagers and teens from other countries with low pregnancy rates usually have a higher age of first sexual activity. Some of them have lower ages of consent but that doesn't mean the average teenager in those countries has sex earlier.

I find the idea that teenagers (or indeed anyone) are sexual beings and therefore they should be having penetrative sex to be a worrying one. What about developing your own sexuality independently of a partner at that age? What about the focus in relationships on other forms of sex that are actually likely to lead to a woman or girl having an orgasm (unlike vaginal sex for most women)? Why is there a need to have penetrative sex and be on the pill with the increased risk of STDs and taking something that alters your hormones when your body hasn't finished developing? why have penetrative sex at 15 when if you get pregnant at that age there are known, increased physiological risks for the mother and baby?

I can see that once you are in this situation as a parent, letting them be at home may be the best option, but I think parents should be discussing this differently and having a subtly different approach for years beforehand to reduce the likelihood of this happening.

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 04/11/2013 17:08

She would no longer be as focused and her studies would suffer.

wordfactory · 04/11/2013 17:09

You can't stop teeneagers having sex.
You can't stop teenagers bunking school.
You can't stop teenagers smoking.
You can't stop teenagers drinking.
You can't stop teenagers taking drugs.
You can't stop teenagers shop lifting...

You can't actually stop them doing anyhting.

But you can do your level best to prevent them. You don'ty have to just agree and facilitate!

CoffeeTea103 · 04/11/2013 17:09

I am so glad my mother was strict. Simply told me how upset she will be if I disappointed her. As it wasn't an option it didn't become an issue in my life. looking at how life turned out I'm glad I was parented this way.
Seems these days a lot of people feel that they have to accept whatever kids want. 15 is just too young to be in this adult relationship.

mrsjay · 04/11/2013 17:10

yes they have dreams still at school etc but one day one of them will grow up and grow away from the other whether it is uni or college or work, my eldest dd had her boyfriend from start of high school till they were nearly 16 so a long time so I do know teens can be together for a long time but i do think they can eventually grow apart

AcrylicPlexiglass · 04/11/2013 17:11

I don't think you're the worst mother in the world at all and if I had been your mate I would have kept my mouth shut unless asked. However, I definitely wouldn't allow this either.

I basically take the same approach to underage sex as to smoking and drinking. Illegal and therefore forbidden, especially under my roof. This is not working in one sense as one of my teens has done all of the above when not under my roof. I know this. He also is very open and he tells me everything, gleefully, and assures me he used contraception and has been lovely to the girl concerned etc. However, he knows that I think they are rushing into things when they have all the time in the world and that I will not give him permission to be an adult because he is not an adult and adulthood will come and smack him round the goolies soon enough. I also think he quite likes having some rules to break.

Re: if you don't let them do it at home they will do it somewhere else, erm, the reason my son and the very lovely girl in question were able to do the deed is that her parents feel like you and allowed him to stay over. Without consulting me, I might add! Luckily he is grounded now so we won't face this again for a little while, I hope.

One of the things I think is the biggest dangers with allowing young teenage boyfriends/girlfriends to almost move in with the family (with a double bed provided and a bottle of Baileys and an ashtray on the bedside tableWink) is that it can make relationships that should die a natural and swift death last for ages and ages. Parents become over-involved and it is harder for the couple to break up because the entire family is used to the boy/girlfriend, not just the kid. I think I will try watching with warm yet detached interest as he meets his love by the gas works wall for a few years yet...

fivefourthreetwoone · 04/11/2013 17:11

She would no longer be as focused and her studies would suffer.

Hmm So if she had sex her studies would automatically suffer as a result?

YouTheCat · 04/11/2013 17:12

I had terribly strict parents. I wasn't allowed to sleep with my ex in their house until I was married (not that we ever had sex there anyway).

It never, ever stopped me having sex as a teen. I just became very bloody sneaky.

ivykaty44 · 04/11/2013 17:13

I guess the alternative is he goes home to sleep, possibly book him a taxi and pay for it to get him there.

I think it is to much to young and by settling down with a boyfriend and him being able to sleep over - in my mind - encourage this more mature set up, I don't think 15 year olds are ready emotionally.

I have a 21 year old and a 15 year old dd's and the eldest wasn't allowed to have her b/f stay over until she was out of her teens, she didn't get pg or fall of the rails. The reason I didn't want b/f staying over was the influence it may have also had on her younger sibling. I also wasn't comfortable with this type of set up - thats my choice though.

Op you are at liberty to conduct your family life as you wish, you are though assisting breaking the law and your friend may let the authorities know - what will happen then?

I am in some ways on the fence on this one but as I have got older I am coming down on the side of not encouraging it.

mrsjay · 04/11/2013 17:16

everything ivekaty44 said i have dds the similar age and I dd1 didnt stay with her boyfriend until last year

squoosh · 04/11/2013 17:16

I don't think I would allow my 15 year old daughter to have her boyfriend over to stay the night. In fact I know I wouldn't.

It's great to talk about sex, talk about birth control and making the right decisions but it just wouldn't chime with my personal beliefs.

But your friend had no right to make you feel the way she did.

ZombieMojaveWonderer · 04/11/2013 17:16

Sorry but I feel that not breaking the law is important. It is illegal to have underage sex and my children know this. It's not just about focusing on studies or respecting yourself and parents it's also the law!

mrsjay · 04/11/2013 17:19

I just think and always will that is isn't right it is making out that 15 yr olds are mature and grown up they are not the words can sound mature but emotionally they are all over the place at that age well for a few years after 15 ime

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 04/11/2013 17:19

Agree with ivykaty, gosh Ann, word factory, etc

What's wrong with having sex in the evening and then going home separately?! The sleeping together/staying overnights makes it more of a serious relationship than I would be happy for the kids to have.

MomentForLife · 04/11/2013 17:20

I'm on the fence, but you are by no means a bad mother! I have a daughter and would hope that when she's 15 if this situation comes up she will listen to me when I say I would rather her wait until she's 16. If nothing to cover by back as a parent, even if she's emotionally ready and in a good relationship. Accidents can obviously happen even with contraception, then I would be the Mum that let it happen. BUT I'm not in that situation yet and have no idea what kind of teenager DD will be! Sorry OP I hope that doesn't offend you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread