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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding my teens relationship .

246 replies

kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 14:41

My daughter is 15 and has a long term boyfriend , they have been friends since primary and started dating at 12 ( childish stuff ) any way I know him very well and his parents and y daughter is very open with me about their relationship. I now let him stay over at out house and have taken her to the drs regarding the pill and we have very open conversations. anyway sunday morning I had my friend around and my daughters boyfriend came down in his pjs and she v clearly stated her opinions and made me feel like the worse mother in the world .. AIBU to let him stay at ours and vice versa.

OP posts:
Lovecat · 04/11/2013 16:45

What GoshAnne said (and it's not often we agree! :o) - I would be very uncomfortable with a 15 year old having a sexual relationship - quite frankly I'd be uncomfortable with any teenager having sex; possibly I was a late developer but I wasn't even interested in boys til I was about 19 and didn't have sex til 21, through choice rather than lack of opportunity.

I wouldn't have said what your friend said to your face but I'd have been thinking it. There's time enough for sex, in fact that they've been together so long seems to me somehow worse, because they're closing themselves off into a 'proper' relationship so young.

Teens need boundaries as much as younger children, and they need to know that you're there for them. It's very easy to get sucked into the 'oh, all teens are having sex' but there's no real need to facilitate it quite so much...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/11/2013 16:47

The opposite of letting this boy sleep over is not 'shutting down and going mental'. Hmm

GreenVelvet · 04/11/2013 16:47

Doesn't have to be black and white, Kelzie.

Youthecat, you don't know whether the daughter (or mother for that matter) is mature or not. Just because a girl is "put on the pill" doesn't mean sexual activity is in her best interests.

Hopefully she is mature and so is the mother, but you can't tell from OP's post or thread, its impossible to say ...

YouTheCat · 04/11/2013 16:48

Where did I say that it was? Confused

Original poster
kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 16:49

so if your daughter came home and said she was sexually active what would be your suggestion ?

and I would say I am not exactly immature :/ im 32 married with 3 children I have life experience.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 04/11/2013 16:51

how is shutting down going mental the right words to do you can have a good relationship with your dd without going mental as i said before i dont approve i dont think it is right to enable an adult realtionship on young people she is your dd, but you can have an open understanding realtionship with your dd and still have boundries

mrsjay · 04/11/2013 16:51

excuse my typos

freyasnow · 04/11/2013 16:52

I think it is a really difficult situation. There are all kinds of factors that come i to play in the home environment, at school and from the media that influence teenagers opinions about whether or not they should be having sex at fifteen. Once you're at the point that they're seriously considering it, most of the opportunities to engage with the teenager in how they form their ideas about these things are long gone.

I don't think I would want my teenagers to do this at fifteen. I think GothAnne's points explain part of the reason why. I also think it does matter that you have a twelve year old in the house as well. I would also be very against a teenager using contraception other than condoms.

That said, I wouldn't say so to a friend in her house who had never asked for my opinion in the first place, particularly not with the teenagers in the house during the conversation.

Pinupgirl · 04/11/2013 16:52

Yabu-its illegal. Do you have a burning desire to be a grandmother op?

mrsjay · 04/11/2013 16:53

If my dd said she was sexually active i would tell her I thought she was too young and to think about how having sex with x boy didnt make her a grown up i would make sure she was practising safe sex and no i would not allow a boy to stay

mrsjay · 04/11/2013 16:53

and i wouldnt care if i was the bad guy

Original poster
kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 16:54

I don't have a 12 yr old in the house lol I have 1 2 yr old sorry if that came across as 12.

I just wouldn't feel comfortable with my daughter doing it behind my back or feel like she couldn't be honest with me.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 04/11/2013 16:54

I actually think it's the "sex for teenagers is inappropriate" attitude that causes a lot of the hassle for teens. Research bears that out. In countries like Sweden where it's accepted that teens are sexual beings and sex isn't taboo the rates of teen pregnancy and stis tend to be lower while satisfaction and maturity in relationships tends to be higher.

Those that feel this is a bad decision - what would you do?
T

Original poster
kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 16:55

mrsjay , I done exactly that , I did tell her I didn't like the idea when we had the first discussion. I didn't just go oh yay sure do what you like, we spoke in depth about the situation.

OP posts:
TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 04/11/2013 16:56

What a horrid snarky thing to say. pinupgirl (the grandmother bit, not the illegal bit).

Original poster
kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 16:58

erm no I don't want to be a nan , hence why I talk about safe sex to my dd rather than making it a taboo.

OP posts:
fivefourthreetwoone · 04/11/2013 16:58

Pinupgirl, no the OP is not ready to have a grandchild, that's why dd is on the pill Hmm

Hadmeathello · 04/11/2013 16:59

I agree with GoshAnne completely. Also the very thought of a 15 year old in a "long term" relationship sits really uncomfortably with me. They should really be focussing on themselves at that age and finding out who they want to be. Plenty of time for relationships later.

mrsjay · 04/11/2013 17:00

I just dont understand why you let him stay over night fine they are sexually active you cant stop that it just seems so mature and familiar and adult and they are not adults

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/11/2013 17:01

I would have told her that I liked the boyfriend but didn't think that she was ready for a full-on sexual relationship. I'd have told him (as we're all friends here) that they should respect each other enough to wait. I'd also have said that if they went behind my back, I'd be very disappointed that they had abused my trust. I'd also be encouraging my DD to spend more time with girlfriends and not be monopolised by any boy.

I'm a little concerned about the 'arguments and tough times'. These are pretty young kids and they're being treated like an old married couple already.

Original poster
kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 17:01

but whats the alternative ?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 04/11/2013 17:02

Agree with GoshAnne.

wordfactory · 04/11/2013 17:02

OP, you seem to think there's no middle ground here.

Lot os parents have perfectly open relationships with their DC, where everything is discussed, yet still have highly effective boundaries.

The two are not mutually exclusive.

Just because many of us would not enable a fifteen year old to have underage sex, does not mean sex is a taboo subject.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/11/2013 17:02

The alternative is to set some boundaries. Same as anything else... discuss the pros and cons but ultimately exercise parental control. You decide because they're too young to make certain decisions.

Original poster
kelziemumof3 · 04/11/2013 17:02

cogito we had all these conversations. and tbf they have v little arguments and tough times means anything from even family life to school. we r there for them no matter what is what I mean.

OP posts:
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