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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fuming my husband gave away my only highheeled shoes?

295 replies

dulwichparkrunner · 04/11/2013 11:56

I keep being overwhelmed with fury, probably out of all proportion but AIBU to be seriously peeved about the following scenario in which my DH gave away my only pair of high-heeled shoes to the teenage daughter of our dear friends. Which I now have to replace - because I now have nothing to wear for work events/formal events.

What happened was this – I worked late on Friday night. On my way home, DH rang to say our friends and their two daughters had already arrived our house and said, “You know the Prada shoes that you never wear? Where are they?” I said, “Look they are in my wardrobe, but don’t go dragging stuff out, wait till I get home and I’ll look them out.”

I was too tired to ask why he was asking me about shoes - but assumed he meant the pair of shoes that DH bought me years ago that I never wear are (slip-on flat ones) that were always too wide for my feet, so I would be happy to give them away if anyone wanted them, which I guessed was probably what this call was about.

Anyway, I get home to find that DH has found the shoes himself – and worse still he's been talking about an entirely different pair of shoes, they are the high heel, peep toe, sexy shoes that I do wear when I have weddings or any formal event eg work event where I need decent shoes. They are the only high heel shoes I own and were also a gift from DH. And they are Prada - I don't typically own designer label things so I was stupidly quite pleased to own them!

DH had given them to the teenage daughter – aged 16 because she’s going to a dance. Not loaned, given. It was done. I just was so stunned, I said nothing. Obviously, in hindsight, I should have said, “There’s been a terrible misunderstanding” etc etc. But because this family are under financial pressures, because DH had already given them, because I was tired, the girl was delighted. I just couldn’t say anything.

I keep being overwhelmed with fury about this. The first opportunity I had to hiss at DH he said, “but you don’t wear them” and “when you do wear them you say they are uncomfortable”. I had to drag a not very convincing apology out of him, so I am still angry about it.

The nice part of me thinks, for goodness sake, get over what is only a pair of shoes, I can afford to buy a new pair, it's made the 16-year old happy, this is a very spoilt ' first world' issue.

The other part feels peeved at my DH giving away my stuff without asking and irritated that his generous gesture means I have to rebuy the shoes. (my DH doesn't earn much right now, so I will be buying the replacements). I guess the biggest part of my irritation is the lack of contrition from my DH. He literally doesn't understand why I am so furious. So AIBU?

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 04/11/2013 14:40

I don't understand why you didn't say something at the time - I know you've put it in your OP, but it doesn't make sense for any reasonably confident/assertive person. You can buy shoes for less than £20 at new look, absolutely no reason why a 16 year old needs your expensive designer heels.

But, while I am astonished that you didn't straighten this out T the time, it is your DH's responsibility to get them back. Fuck spending hundreds of pounds of family money on replacing them - he needs to go and get them. And I wouldn't let her borrow them for the dance, I doubt they'll come back in the state you lent them!

bundaberg · 04/11/2013 14:43

he definitely needs to ask for them back

you don't just go around giving other people's things away! i am shocked

FairPhyllis · 04/11/2013 14:47

Also I'd be a bit Hmm if someone gave my child such a valuable present - I'd probably ring up to check they really were OK with giving away something so valuable.

mrsgboring · 04/11/2013 14:51

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to ask for them back. And perfectly understandable to be sad at the manner of losing them. The way people feel about possessions is not entirely rational. I had the rage for weeks about MIL replacing some of my teatowels Smile

But wouldn't it feel good to give the girl the shoes and maybe replace the given away ones with new? If you can afford it and you can make a family under a bit of stress happy by your generosity? [pollyanna]

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 04/11/2013 15:07

YANBU. Doesn't matter what the item is, what the label is, what it cost, whether you use/wear it or not... they were yours and not his to give away.

Get him to ring and explain that there was a misunderstanding and a loan, not a gift, was intended.

If he can't/won't do it, you'll have to, but I'd make it very clear that a) you WILL make the call; you're not bluffing and b) you will make it just as clear that it was his misunderstanding/mistake.

Theas18 · 04/11/2013 15:13

He only loaned them didn't he? Surely they'll come back before the next round of Xmas do's etc

NomDeOrdinateur · 04/11/2013 15:17

He gave them to the girl, Theas Sad. Besides which, it's not on to lend something without the owner's consent - especially if it's expensive, easily damaged, and a bit special.

DoubleLifeIsALifeOfSorts · 04/11/2013 15:17

Can you sit him down and explain why you are so upset? It's not ok that he gave away something that wasn't his to give away, and then not to even care when you are upset about it... I agree with the poster who said 'it's not ok for him to make himself feel good using someone's else's possessions'

Theas18 · 04/11/2013 15:20

cripes missed that WTF did he give them away?

kelda · 04/11/2013 15:22

That was my first thought too Branleuse.

ArbitraryUsername · 04/11/2013 15:26

I cannot for the life of me imagine how giving (or loaning) a 16 year old a pair of the OP's shoes would ever actually come up. Even if they weren't bloody expensive ones.

currentbuns · 04/11/2013 15:28

It sounds to me as though the dh was attempting to impress the 16yo and/or her parents - the galling thing is that he has done so at the OP's expense. I've seen middle-aged men behave like this before - embarrassing.

Crowler · 04/11/2013 15:31

I would kill my husband if he gave away my shoes. WTF?

ArbitraryUsername · 04/11/2013 15:32

Also, why would any parents let their 16 year old accept the gift of their friend's wife's extremely expensive shoes that she wears to every formal occasion? You'd just say 'no', she doesn't need Pravda shoes. we'll get her a pair from primark instead'.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 04/11/2013 15:45

Arbitrary, that's a good point.

What are Pravda shoes, though? They sound quite worthy Wink

ArbitraryUsername · 04/11/2013 16:04

Pravda shoes are what happens when you cannot type, or proofread. They're special shoes for fools. Grin

JohnnyBarthes · 04/11/2013 16:07

They probably didn't realise people were bonkers enough to spend £500 or whatever on a pair of dressing up shoes.

My bet is that the husband is a bit put out that the OP never wears them.

I would be fuming, but it's too late to get them back imo.

Zilvernblue · 04/11/2013 16:08

Tell him to get the shoes back, and to buy a cheap pair of replacement shoes for the teenager. His problem, he can solve it.

tbh the teenager should have known better than to take a pair of Prada shoes belonging to someone who wasn't there. I accept she is a teenager, but even so.

You could sell his possessions on ebay until the price of a new pair is made up, but its a lot of hassle to go to. Unless you give his contact details...

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock · 04/11/2013 16:09

Grin Arbitrary

I don't think the teenager, her parents or, especially, the DH come out of this well.

ArbitraryUsername · 04/11/2013 16:13

It's all a big sorry mess, isn't it.

JohnnyBarthes: I think just about everyone knows that Prada shoes are expensive.

(I've also just figured out that it's evil autocorrect that keeps producing Pravda, which Google tells me is a Russian communist newspaper. I'm not sure they'd approve of Prada shoes).

moominleigh94 · 04/11/2013 16:14

You need to get them back, but don't call up the girl and breezily say "I need those loaned shoes back" - don't pretend everyone's known it was a loan all along, as she's probably gotten excited over being given these shoes, and it isn't fair on her for you to pretend it was a loan all along when it clearly wasn't.

Either call up and explain the situation, or get your OH to do it - he deserves the embarrassment, not the girl. Teenagers are humans too you know Wink

TSSDNCOP · 04/11/2013 16:20

This is flabbergasting.

aside from the fact a person would have only one decent pair of going out shoes

I'd be amazed if my DH would even have it enter his head to give a single article of my clothing away.

I'd be stunned into next week if he'd had a conversation with a teenage girl that resulted in sacrifice of said item.

Then I would kill him.

WooWooOwl · 04/11/2013 16:22

It doesn't matter if your DH doesn't earn much, he can forgo every little luxury he has (coffee, pre made sandwiches, magazines, EVERYTHING) until he has paid back the full amount.

Either that, or he can ask for them back.

Floggingmolly · 04/11/2013 16:22

What a bizarre thing for him to do Hmm. It's a bit creepy for him to offer something from your wardrobe to a 16 year old girl.
Even if she was moaning about having no decent shoes to wear, why did he get involved???

LongTailedTit · 04/11/2013 16:27

The thing is Zilvern and others - she was there eventually. In the OP she says he rang while she was on her way home, then got there to find he'd already given them to the 16yo.
So her DH gave them away while she was out, but then when she arrived she felt she couldn't say "No, give them back please" as the kid was so happy and already had them.

She was pretty much forced into saying "Yes, that's fine" or something to that effect, which is why she feels like such a prat for wanting them back, having not said anything at the time.

I still reckon OP or her DH should get them back tho. Ideally her DH, but if that's not going to happen then it's better to do it herself than be bitter about her lost shoes for ages while the 16yo trips over in them, scuffs them, and they get trashed within a month.

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