AIBU to be fuming my husband gave away my only highheeled shoes?

[dulwichparkrunner]

I keep being overwhelmed with fury, probably out of all proportion but AIBU to be seriously peeved about the following scenario in which my DH gave away my only pair of high-heeled shoes to the teenage daughter of our dear friends. Which I now have to replace - because I now have nothing to wear for work events/formal events.

What happened was this – I worked late on Friday night. On my way home, DH rang to say our friends and their two daughters had already arrived our house and said, “You know the Prada shoes that you never wear? Where are they?” I said, “Look they are in my wardrobe, but don’t go dragging stuff out, wait till I get home and I’ll look them out.”

I was too tired to ask why he was asking me about shoes - but assumed he meant the pair of shoes that DH bought me years ago that I never wear are (slip-on flat ones) that were always too wide for my feet, so I would be happy to give them away if anyone wanted them, which I guessed was probably what this call was about.

Anyway, I get home to find that DH has found the shoes himself – and worse still he's been talking about an entirely different pair of shoes, they are the high heel, peep toe, sexy shoes that I do wear when I have weddings or any formal event eg work event where I need decent shoes. They are the only high heel shoes I own and were also a gift from DH. And they are Prada - I don't typically own designer label things so I was stupidly quite pleased to own them!

DH had given them to the teenage daughter – aged 16 because she’s going to a dance. Not loaned, given. It was done. I just was so stunned, I said nothing. Obviously, in hindsight, I should have said, “There’s been a terrible misunderstanding” etc etc. But because this family are under financial pressures, because DH had already given them, because I was tired, the girl was delighted. I just couldn’t say anything.

I keep being overwhelmed with fury about this. The first opportunity I had to hiss at DH he said, “but you don’t wear them” and “when you do wear them you say they are uncomfortable”. I had to drag a not very convincing apology out of him, so I am still angry about it.

The nice part of me thinks, for goodness sake, get over what is only a pair of shoes, I can afford to buy a new pair, it's made the 16-year old happy, this is a very spoilt ' first world' issue.

The other part feels peeved at my DH giving away my stuff without asking and irritated that his generous gesture means I have to rebuy the shoes. (my DH doesn't earn much right now, so I will be buying the replacements). I guess the biggest part of my irritation is the lack of contrition from my DH. He literally doesn't understand why I am so furious. So AIBU?

Absolutely ask for the shoes back. They were not his to give away, surely even a 16 year old would be reasonable enough to understand this.

Dione

No I am not "minted" at all. Far from it.

If they were the only pair of shoes she owned THEN it would be a problem.

As the OP has admitted it is a silly 1st world "problem".

Does he often do things like this? DH does, though after some furious rows - I've made him get stuff back, which he hates - he doesn't do it with my stuff any more. I have to keep an eye on him when he's talking about 'having a clear out.'

He gives away his own stuff all the time. People only have to make an admiring comment and it's theirs. If more people knew how easy it was our house would be bare.

He's not attached to things and he loves making people like him. Well, obviously not me at that moment.

And it's an excuse to replace the item with something shinier and newer. So it wouldn't work if I gave away something of his in revenge. He probably wouldn't care and would see it as an excuse to buy a replacement.

Funnily enough he gave away a pair of my Prada shoes too. He did ask me about it that time. I hadn't worn them in ages and they were taking up room and he had that 'clear out' gleam in his eye.

But about a year later I missed them and regretted giving in. Also the person he gave them to didn't look after them and it broke my heart to see them looking more scuffed and kicked about every time she wore them.

My dad was like it too. I got told off by a teacher in primary school when I found one of my books in the library and tried to take it home. She thought I was stealing it, and when I pointed out my name in it, accused me of scribbling it in on the spot to cover my crime .

My mum got it back for me. Her wrath with the teacher and my dad was terrible to behold

But Harticus, they are the OP's only high heeled shoes - she has to replace them next time she has a work/formal event to go to. And they are Prada shoes, so expensive to replace on a like for like basis. That's why she's annoyed.

I'd be pretty pissed off with my DH if he gave away anything of mine without checking with me first (before offering, not just the handing over part!).

If I were you dulwich I'd call the girl/her parents and explain he's got his wires crossed and shouldn't have given the shoes away and you need them back.

I'd be wary of them being trashed by a 16-year-old, but if you think she'll be careful with them, then no problem loaning them to her for her event, then returning them (in the same condition as loaned!).

Otherwise DH would be heading straight to the shops to replace them.

Don't let the fact that it's a pair of designer shoes (and therefore seems possibly frivolous) stop you resolving this, OP. It's about the lack of respect for you shown by giving away your possessions without your permission.

If he would rather make you spend 500 quid of your own money on a new pair than look like a numpty to this girl and her family, then you actually have a bit of a bigger problem with him.

Op, you need to explain that your husband has given away your only good formal evening wear shoes. When he rang you to ask about the shoes he was talking about a different pair of flat shoes you never wear, and that you are stunned to realize he has given away your favourite pair of nice shoes. You need them back because it is so hard to find decent evening shoes and you now dont have the time to go out shoe hunting. Their dd can borrow them for the dance, but you do need them back. Apologize for the mixup.

Your dh sounds like a disrespectful x&%$ to be honest.

Make him ask for them back. If he can't get them back, sell something of his on Ebay and replace your shoes.

I would be livid.

harticus the OP has said they are the only pair of heels she owns, which she uses for work and formal events. She will have to replace them. And why do you think it's OK for him to get rid of her stuff without asking?

Just say that you thought he had lent them, not given them and ask for them back. Make a joke of it "as if you'd just give away Prada shoes"!

I'd definitely get in touch with the parents ASAP and tell them you're sorry, but your DH sprang the whole thing on you and you didn't want to rescind the offer he'd already made and hurt their DDs feelings, but they are only on loan for this one event, as they're your only heels and are actually needed by you! If your DH is that fussed he can get on ASOS and buy her a replacement pair.

Don't feel shy about saying you're cross with him for putting you in this position either - he's been really rude to give away your stuff without permission.
Plus you even said on the phone “Look they are in my wardrobe, but don’t go dragging stuff out, wait till I get home and I’ll look them out.” Clear as day that you didn't want him helping himself.

YANBU for been furious. Next time a teenager's round and shows an interest in music, give away his stereo system, see if he gets the concept then.

Been - being.

He put himself in the embarrassing situation, he gets himself out of it. Don't make it your problem to sort out, make it his!

I do think giving away expensive property without permission is more than a 1st world problem though, even if the money has been converted into the shape of something stereotypically unimportant, i.e. designer shoes.

And I say this as someone who owns only two pairs of shoes!

It's not the shoes it's the fact that the OP's DH thinks he has the right to give away her property that's the problem.

Does he have an x box/PS3? If so maybe you could use you giving away that as an analogy that he might actually understand.

I think it's really strange that s grown man wants to give a pair of shoes to a 16 year old girl. So my first question to him would be wtf was he thinking.
Secondly the whole phone call/him ignoring you adking him to wait smacks of being a controlling arse.

It's not even about the shoes. It's about his motivations and his total disregard for you and your property. Absolute arse.

He needs to get those shoes back and do some significant explaining.

When I was sixteen I hardly knew how to walk in high heels, I trashed every pair I owned almost immediately.

I really hope this girl has more cop on than I did!

It depends on your life experiences as to whether this sort of thing really matters to you or not.

Some people are very attached to possessions.

Some aren't. I am one of them.

TBH I think the OP is not so much pissed off about the missing shoes as the fact that her DH isn't being very contrite.
And she admits to being torn.
I am simply agreeing with the side of her which says to let it go - it was a nice gesture to a young girl.

'My mum got it back for me. Her wrath with the teacher and my dad was terrible to behold'

Your mum sounds great limited

I think it's very generous of harticus to give her time to come on the forum and let us all know which ones are first world problems.

How much time have I wasted with this unimportant nonsense??

It was fundamentally a kind thing to give some lovely shoes to the DD of close friends who are skint.

Obviously they would have to the OPs shoes, as the DH doesn't wear the right kind.

He did ask you for "those shoes you never wear" before he did it, which means he did think about not giving away stuff you actually like. He got the wrong ones because of a communications glitch.

So it's the communications glitch, not the intention, which is at fault here. Annoying, of course, but get yourself some nice new ones.

Don't take them back off the kid, she will be embarrassed and also gutted to lose them if they are her only bestest designer shoes and the family is broke.

Jesus Christ, I am having palpitations just reading this thread! I would make him get them back in the hope that the embarrassment would prevent him doing such a fuckwitted thingvin future.

I think I'd leave someone who gave away my Prada shoes!

YANBU

Who the hell does he think he is? I'd be fizzing with rage. I would order him to ask for them back, he can buy the 16 year old a pair of £25 heels from New Look as a replacement.

Yes it's a first world problem but as we live in the first world that's hardly a surprise now is it?

Wowee, I'd be so mad I wouldn't be able to see straight. He has to get them back, I don't care if he's embarrassed - too bad.
Absolutely unreasonable - you don't give away other people's things without consulting them, Especially not Prada high heels, when they're your only formal shoes.

Beast - He didn't call to ask her if he could give them away, he decided to give them away and then called to ask where they were. He then ignored her request to wait for her to get home. Presumably he'd offered them to the girl before calling the OP, considering that he somehow knew that they were the correct size and style despite the fact that these things hardly feature in the average male conversation. More to the point, he's clearly not sorry, and he doesn't want to swallow his pride and put things right.

You don't have to be "very attached to possessions" to be fuming if someone else gives away a £500 item that belongs to you. Just being mildly attached to possessions in passing ought to do it.

My mum is pretty good agent

It's a terrible thing to do with someone else's belongings. I don't care how free and easy you are with your own possessions.

And though I love my DH, he definitely puts on pressure to get his own way because he likes playing Lord Bountiful - which is what OP's DH did.

He made himself feel good with her belongings and that's shitty.

I'd definitely ask for them back. I don't care how sad the kid is. She'll get over it.

OP - Odd question, but do you think that there's a chance he sees the shoes as "his" because he bought them and doesn't think you use them?