Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fuming my husband gave away my only highheeled shoes?

295 replies

dulwichparkrunner · 04/11/2013 11:56

I keep being overwhelmed with fury, probably out of all proportion but AIBU to be seriously peeved about the following scenario in which my DH gave away my only pair of high-heeled shoes to the teenage daughter of our dear friends. Which I now have to replace - because I now have nothing to wear for work events/formal events.

What happened was this – I worked late on Friday night. On my way home, DH rang to say our friends and their two daughters had already arrived our house and said, “You know the Prada shoes that you never wear? Where are they?” I said, “Look they are in my wardrobe, but don’t go dragging stuff out, wait till I get home and I’ll look them out.”

I was too tired to ask why he was asking me about shoes - but assumed he meant the pair of shoes that DH bought me years ago that I never wear are (slip-on flat ones) that were always too wide for my feet, so I would be happy to give them away if anyone wanted them, which I guessed was probably what this call was about.

Anyway, I get home to find that DH has found the shoes himself – and worse still he's been talking about an entirely different pair of shoes, they are the high heel, peep toe, sexy shoes that I do wear when I have weddings or any formal event eg work event where I need decent shoes. They are the only high heel shoes I own and were also a gift from DH. And they are Prada - I don't typically own designer label things so I was stupidly quite pleased to own them!

DH had given them to the teenage daughter – aged 16 because she’s going to a dance. Not loaned, given. It was done. I just was so stunned, I said nothing. Obviously, in hindsight, I should have said, “There’s been a terrible misunderstanding” etc etc. But because this family are under financial pressures, because DH had already given them, because I was tired, the girl was delighted. I just couldn’t say anything.

I keep being overwhelmed with fury about this. The first opportunity I had to hiss at DH he said, “but you don’t wear them” and “when you do wear them you say they are uncomfortable”. I had to drag a not very convincing apology out of him, so I am still angry about it.

The nice part of me thinks, for goodness sake, get over what is only a pair of shoes, I can afford to buy a new pair, it's made the 16-year old happy, this is a very spoilt ' first world' issue.

The other part feels peeved at my DH giving away my stuff without asking and irritated that his generous gesture means I have to rebuy the shoes. (my DH doesn't earn much right now, so I will be buying the replacements). I guess the biggest part of my irritation is the lack of contrition from my DH. He literally doesn't understand why I am so furious. So AIBU?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 04/11/2013 12:04

They're not just shoes to the OP though harticus, they were a gift she values from her DH.

FairPhyllis · 04/11/2013 12:05

Oh gosh. Were you actually there when the girl went off with them then?

I'd be very upset, and I would make him be the one to go and squirmingly explain and get them back. He caused this, so he fixes it. They were not his to give away. If he looks bad then so be it. I don't think you should spend hundreds of pounds to avoid him being embarrassed.

And I wouldn't be happy about just loaning them either - they could get ruined.

Fakebook · 04/11/2013 12:05

That would piss me off and you have every reason to be pissed off. You still have a chance to get them back though and I would.

I remember having a full blown screaming tantrum (I may have been a tiny bit hormonal after giving birth) when my dear lovely dad mistook a bag next to the door for rubbish and threw it out on bin collection day. We'd already thrown the garbage out though. In that bag were my most comfortable high heeled Nine West's that I absolutely adored. I couldn't believe he did it. I still feel a pang in my heart when I think about what happened to them.

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairy · 04/11/2013 12:06

He can get them back.

Make it his problem.

You like them were comfortable in them don't be a doormat and tell him you want them returned and NO that doesn't make yu akward / a bitch or anything else.

It is his problem and he can solve it with a simple phone call.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 04/11/2013 12:06

I don't wear high heels but when my dd was 16, every single pair she wore for a night out came back ruined after one wear

Just sayin'

Zilvernblue · 04/11/2013 12:07

OMG. That is one of the worst things I have read on mumsnet.

Is the man really, really stupid? Does he have no common sense whatsoever? No care or concern for his wife that he priorities a random teenager?

And he gave away your property? Not only that, but expensive designer property which you cherished and which he cant afford to replace.

Seriously people have got divorced for far less. There is something wrong with him.

MusicalEndorphins · 04/11/2013 12:08

People shouldn't give away other peoples stuff, (it is theft really if you think about it.) Your husband should make call to the girl or her mother, as he is the one who caused this situation.
Yabu to wear shoes that hurt your feet.

samandi · 04/11/2013 12:09

I don't get the fury over it either.
Shoes. That is all.
Buy some more.
And whilst at the shops you might want to pick up some perspective.

Shoes that could well cost over £100? Or probably more - I've no idea. That's not an amount of money many people can afford to throw away or spend on a gift for a friend's daughter.

And it's no so easy to find shoes sometimes either. Perhaps that particular style isn't easy to find. OP has to spend a day traipsing around the shops looking for a new pair, when she could probably be doing a hundred other things with her time.

But most fundamentally, you don't understand why she's angry about someone else giving away her possessions? Do you not understand the concept of ownership, or do you believe that when people marry all their possessions literally become joint and the other party can get rid of what they like?

VisualiseAHorse · 04/11/2013 12:10

Give away something of his that he likes but doesn't wear often.

Sparkleandshine · 04/11/2013 12:10

I think he'll get them back when you tell him how much a new pair is going to cost!!!

I'm guessing we're talking about £500-600 aren't we?

Send him a link to the replacements and he'll get them back double quick!

FairPhyllis · 04/11/2013 12:12

Prada shoes cost in the region of 400-500 quid samandi

samandi · 04/11/2013 12:16

FairPhyllis - thanks, I had a feeling they would be a fair bit more than £100 as I typed it! That's half a month's wages! I would be ..... god, words cannot express. And I'm not even that fussed about shoes.

cees · 04/11/2013 12:17

YANBU

He gave away your PRADA shoes Shock

I'd be livid even if they were primark, they belong to me so I will choose if, when and to who I give them to.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 04/11/2013 12:17

I don't think it's fair to ask for the shoes back.

Get a new pair that will actually be comfortable to wear.

Your husband is very unreasonable though to give them away in the first place.

TigOldBitties · 04/11/2013 12:17

I would phone the girl/her family and say I just wanted to check when the dance would be because I have a work thing/event that I will be needing the shoes for so want to arrange when I can get them back.

I know its a bit mean to play on it but I think its unlikely in that position the 16 year old would argue with you. If she does just be nice and make a joke of it, mention they're your only high heeled pair and you do need them and it was just a loan.

I would act as if it was obvious, in a very nice way it was a loan and any notion that it was a permanent gift was obviously a miscommunication from your idiot husband.

My DH would never do this as he knows I would go mental. I think you need to let your DH know just how furious you are.

TravelinColour · 04/11/2013 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harticus · 04/11/2013 12:18

That is one of the worst things I have read on mumsnet

Really? REALLY? Not the domestic violence or the child abuse?

"Fundamentally" samandi I really cannot believe that the giving away of a pair of shoes is causing so many women to have conniptions and make statements like the one above.
We are talking about a pair of shoes - shoes!
Not life or death.

mouldyironingboard · 04/11/2013 12:18

Does your DH have a favourite suit or shirt that he only wears for interviews or special occasions? Does he have any prized possessions that he doesn't use regularly? Ask him if he would be bothered if you gave them away to a teenager without discussing it with him first.

YANBU. This is not just about a favourite pair of shoes. Your DH has shown a complete lack of respect towards you.

WandaDoff · 04/11/2013 12:18

Tell him to get them back quick or you are going to be wearing his balls as earrings Angry

samithesausage · 04/11/2013 12:20

This has happenned to me but on a much smaller scale. (Someone gave away my dc's clothes which were still wearable). I went livid too. I'm in the get him to get them back camp! Doesn't matter if he has to look stupid, or what they'll think of him, it's up to him!

kali110 · 04/11/2013 12:20

They werent his to give away. They may only be shoes. Doesnt matte if they were prada or primark they were your shoes to do how you saw fit. Yanbu.

melika · 04/11/2013 12:23

I would never spend that amount on shoes but if I did I would lock them away!

BakerStreet · 04/11/2013 12:27

Your DH needs to contact the girl and tell her of the huge mistake he made and you need them back. I would be furious with DH if he did this

I wouldn't have let her leave the house knowing she had them TBH, financial pressures or not.

It wouldn't matter if they were a cheapy pair either, they are your shoes your dh has no right to give away any of your belongings without checking with you first.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/11/2013 12:28

Harticus, maybe you are so minted that popping out to buy new shoes is no big deal for you. To me, it's a very big deal. I don't have the money. I am an awkward size, so shoes that fit are a difficult find for me and once bought, they have to be broken in. I would feel equally as angry if he'd given away one of my bras.

And that's before you get into the fact that he gave away the OP's property. Are you always so laid back about people giving your stuff away Harticus*?

kelda · 04/11/2013 12:55

LTB, obviosly.

I do wonder why he gave them to this girl? What is his connection to her family? Is he desperate to be liked and seen as cool?