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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fuming my husband gave away my only highheeled shoes?

295 replies

dulwichparkrunner · 04/11/2013 11:56

I keep being overwhelmed with fury, probably out of all proportion but AIBU to be seriously peeved about the following scenario in which my DH gave away my only pair of high-heeled shoes to the teenage daughter of our dear friends. Which I now have to replace - because I now have nothing to wear for work events/formal events.

What happened was this – I worked late on Friday night. On my way home, DH rang to say our friends and their two daughters had already arrived our house and said, “You know the Prada shoes that you never wear? Where are they?” I said, “Look they are in my wardrobe, but don’t go dragging stuff out, wait till I get home and I’ll look them out.”

I was too tired to ask why he was asking me about shoes - but assumed he meant the pair of shoes that DH bought me years ago that I never wear are (slip-on flat ones) that were always too wide for my feet, so I would be happy to give them away if anyone wanted them, which I guessed was probably what this call was about.

Anyway, I get home to find that DH has found the shoes himself – and worse still he's been talking about an entirely different pair of shoes, they are the high heel, peep toe, sexy shoes that I do wear when I have weddings or any formal event eg work event where I need decent shoes. They are the only high heel shoes I own and were also a gift from DH. And they are Prada - I don't typically own designer label things so I was stupidly quite pleased to own them!

DH had given them to the teenage daughter – aged 16 because she’s going to a dance. Not loaned, given. It was done. I just was so stunned, I said nothing. Obviously, in hindsight, I should have said, “There’s been a terrible misunderstanding” etc etc. But because this family are under financial pressures, because DH had already given them, because I was tired, the girl was delighted. I just couldn’t say anything.

I keep being overwhelmed with fury about this. The first opportunity I had to hiss at DH he said, “but you don’t wear them” and “when you do wear them you say they are uncomfortable”. I had to drag a not very convincing apology out of him, so I am still angry about it.

The nice part of me thinks, for goodness sake, get over what is only a pair of shoes, I can afford to buy a new pair, it's made the 16-year old happy, this is a very spoilt ' first world' issue.

The other part feels peeved at my DH giving away my stuff without asking and irritated that his generous gesture means I have to rebuy the shoes. (my DH doesn't earn much right now, so I will be buying the replacements). I guess the biggest part of my irritation is the lack of contrition from my DH. He literally doesn't understand why I am so furious. So AIBU?

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 05/11/2013 13:52

What CeliaFate said

PukingCat · 05/11/2013 13:52

HE'S not interested! Of course he's not. HE'S given away YOUR very expensive shoes and now you're saying that YOUR going to replace them Shock

Is he normally a thief/cocklodger?

Seriously, don't let him get away with this. He has treated you and your processions and feelings like shit and isn't even going to make it up to you.

What a cunt! Angry

mercibucket · 05/11/2013 13:55

agree with Celia

oh well, time for him to buy you a new pair, maybe he will have to ebay some of his stuff if he can't afford it

Lweji · 05/11/2013 14:01

I think you are perfectly justified in starting to give away his stuff until he cares.

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/11/2013 14:12

OP, thanks for the update. It sounds to me as though your DH recognizes that he did the wrong thing, but is unwilling to actually admit it.

I hope he does soon though. That kind of attitude can breed resentment.Sad

APartridgeAmongThePigeons · 05/11/2013 14:19

He's not interested? Confused

Well if he hurt you...he should be interested.

Inertia · 05/11/2013 14:31

He's not interested because he doesn't want to acknowledge that he did something wrong.

Putting a PA hat on, I'd be tempted to tell him that actually he's right, you do have too much stuff in the house, and put his favourite things (ipad/ bike/ whatever ) into a box to be recycled, saying that you know somebody who needs one and after all he hardly ever uses it.

Inertia · 05/11/2013 14:33

Though to be fair- if you were that bothered about the shoes you should really have dealt with it, regardless of being tired (could perhaps have been phrased as Dh had got the wrong shoes out and you meant these ones could be borrowed). Anyway, things have moved on from there now. but I do think you need to speak up at the time.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/11/2013 14:39

"Oh and he didn't read the Mumsnet thread. Said he wasn't interested."
I'm sure he doesn't want to read this thread, but would very much doubt that that is the real reason.

Without reading it, he can convince himself that this is just a difference of opinion, his and yours, and both opinions are just as valid as each others. If he reads the thread and has to come to terms with so many people being of the same opinion as you, then he has to actually consider that he is indeed in the wrong. And he doesn't want to be in the wrong, and he doesn't want to apologise. He is indeed a cock.

OP, is this an isolated incident?

YoniMitchell · 05/11/2013 14:42

Tbh having read your update dulwich I've lost sympathy for you - you should have had the spine to speak up while you had (ample) opportunity.

I also think your DH has been - and still is being - an utter knob. I think he's coming across as arrogant in his attitude, both to your belongings and your feelings.

limitedperiodonly · 05/11/2013 14:43

That's you told, OP

Shonajoy · 05/11/2013 14:54

Ask to "borrow them back" and don't return them. Your dh has a bloody cheek.

fanjofarrow · 05/11/2013 14:58

No offense dulwich, but DH sounds like an utter bellend. Next time speak up loudly!

mitchsta · 05/11/2013 15:00

Western problems an all. Appreciate that in the grand scheme of things this is a pair of shoes, but... I would be fuming. He's a wanker for not understanding. My OH doesn't understand why I insist on wearing my favourite pair of heels that make my feet, back and hips hurt for the entire next week day. But he would never give them away. And they aren't even designer shoes! YADNBU.

I agree with whoever said your OH should be the one who gets them back. He should explain that he made a mistake and you're glad she enjoyed wearing them for her party but they weren't his to give away in the first place. I didn't know what Prada shoes were when I was 16, never mind owning a pair.

If he can't grow the balls to bring himself to get them back, he owes you a new pair. Remind him how much a new pair would cost if that helps.

Twoandtwomakeschaos · 05/11/2013 15:04

Op, not withstanding what you detailed in your update, I still think you could call and ask for them back, explaining, if you feel the need, your tiredness and slight confusion at the situation, as to why you didn't act earlier, especially if they are as nice as you say.

I honestly cannot believe your DH did this in the first place nor how he has acted afterwards (and it seems to be festering between you).

dulwichparkrunner · 05/11/2013 17:52

Last update: the end to story.... my DH did text to ask for the return of the shoes, no idea what he said.

I got a lovely text from the mum of the 16 year old saying, "Hi, no problem with the shoes. Had a bad conscience anyway, far too expensive. Next time you have to tell us straight away. Remember I am (nationality) and well known for being very direct"

I am going to send the girl some money for shoes though, because her hopes have been raised and dashed. So alls well that ends well (more or less!).

OP posts:
BOF · 05/11/2013 17:53

Oh good.

YesterdayI · 05/11/2013 17:55

Phew, that's a great result and very fair to all concerned. Smile

pointyfangs · 05/11/2013 17:57

Bet the mum's Dutch! Great result all round, OP.

diddl · 05/11/2013 17:59

Good outcome!

And a good friend!

Lets just hope that the shoes are still OK if they've been worn!

diddl · 05/11/2013 17:59

I was thinking German, pointy

kelda · 05/11/2013 18:00

yes let's try and guess their nationalityGrin
another vote for dutch.

YesterdayI · 05/11/2013 18:02

I guessed South African :-)

Ps I love South Africans

limitedperiodonly · 05/11/2013 18:04

Israelis can be quite direct.

limitedperiodonly · 05/11/2013 18:06

Oh and Hong Kong Chinese. I've no experience of mainland Chinese but I suspect they might give me a bit of a fright too.

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