AIBU to be fuming my husband gave away my only highheeled shoes?

[dulwichparkrunner]

I keep being overwhelmed with fury, probably out of all proportion but AIBU to be seriously peeved about the following scenario in which my DH gave away my only pair of high-heeled shoes to the teenage daughter of our dear friends. Which I now have to replace - because I now have nothing to wear for work events/formal events.

What happened was this – I worked late on Friday night. On my way home, DH rang to say our friends and their two daughters had already arrived our house and said, “You know the Prada shoes that you never wear? Where are they?” I said, “Look they are in my wardrobe, but don’t go dragging stuff out, wait till I get home and I’ll look them out.”

I was too tired to ask why he was asking me about shoes - but assumed he meant the pair of shoes that DH bought me years ago that I never wear are (slip-on flat ones) that were always too wide for my feet, so I would be happy to give them away if anyone wanted them, which I guessed was probably what this call was about.

Anyway, I get home to find that DH has found the shoes himself – and worse still he's been talking about an entirely different pair of shoes, they are the high heel, peep toe, sexy shoes that I do wear when I have weddings or any formal event eg work event where I need decent shoes. They are the only high heel shoes I own and were also a gift from DH. And they are Prada - I don't typically own designer label things so I was stupidly quite pleased to own them!

DH had given them to the teenage daughter – aged 16 because she’s going to a dance. Not loaned, given. It was done. I just was so stunned, I said nothing. Obviously, in hindsight, I should have said, “There’s been a terrible misunderstanding” etc etc. But because this family are under financial pressures, because DH had already given them, because I was tired, the girl was delighted. I just couldn’t say anything.

I keep being overwhelmed with fury about this. The first opportunity I had to hiss at DH he said, “but you don’t wear them” and “when you do wear them you say they are uncomfortable”. I had to drag a not very convincing apology out of him, so I am still angry about it.

The nice part of me thinks, for goodness sake, get over what is only a pair of shoes, I can afford to buy a new pair, it's made the 16-year old happy, this is a very spoilt ' first world' issue.

The other part feels peeved at my DH giving away my stuff without asking and irritated that his generous gesture means I have to rebuy the shoes. (my DH doesn't earn much right now, so I will be buying the replacements). I guess the biggest part of my irritation is the lack of contrition from my DH. He literally doesn't understand why I am so furious. So AIBU?

Slight derail, but why on the most important dates do people wear uncomfortable shoes.

Erm, because social convention requires us to look as if we're standing on tiptoe? And because shoes that force you onto your toes are marginally less uncomfortable than mincing around without a heel to support us!

It's great being 'older', I can wear clumpy shoes and get away with it

What did your husband think of the thread Dulwich?

High heels help you look taller, with longer legs, thinner and more elegant and make you wiggle your hips more.
If it involves dancing it does help as you end up on tiptoes anyway.
Overall, they can give a more special look, to go with the elegant clothes, make up and hair do.

YANBU. I cannot fathom what prompted your husband to act in this bizarre fashion. Trying to impress? Is he usually so juvenile and craven? Who gives away something that is not theirs to give?

And then, there's your 'dear' friends and their daughter. Are they complete fuckwits? To accept as a gift a pair of very expensive shoes THAT WERE NOT THE PROPERTY OF THE PERSON giving them? Would they seriously not say - "Hang on , DH-of-dulwichparkrunner, these aren't your shoes to give away. Shall we wait until she gets home, huh?"

And after the dance, then what? If they're that pushed for money, do your shoes get eBayed?

But come on OP - if they are really 'dear friends', don't you think you should be close enough to say to them - "Look, about the shoes - DH was on glue I don't know what he was thinking about, I love those shoes, they were a present from DH. I'm OK with your daughter borrowing them for the dance, but THEY WERE NOT HIS TO GIVE AWAY. I was just so shocked to get home to this, I couldn't say anything at the time. But I want my shoes back."

If not - they're really not dear friends at all, are they?

Oh, forgot to say - your DH is extremely fuckwitted if he genuinely doesn't see that he has done something that he needs to apologise and make amends for.

Seriously unless these are your best mates and you think this will spoil your relationship forever, I would just ask for them back:

'DH asked me if I had a pair of shoes I could lend but picked up the wrong ones. They're actually my best shoes & I have a do coming up - so sorry for the misunderstanding.'

Are you close to the daughter? (e.g. cool aunt character who could take her for a much cheaper pair of shoes?)

Or if you're brave, make the call and allow they girl to wear them but return them. Provided she doesn't get pissed they might be fine.

They're going to get covered in vomit aren't they!

If the girl has any sense the shoes will be on eBay by now.

YANBU. Phone your friends and explain the mistake and ask for them back. Make your partner buy say £25 of Top Shop or similar teenage high street brand vouchers to make up for any disappointment, but make sure you take the credit for giving them.

I think you'll look silly if you phone them now and ask for them back. You should have said something at the time. How hard would it have been to say "Hang on, they're my best shoes!"

YANBU to feel annoyed that he would take it on himself to offer your possessions to friends. He obviously likes to big himself up by making grand benevolent gestures. He sounds a bit weird actually!

I wouldn't mind looking a bit silly where a few hundred quid is concerned.

Olgaga, it's the OP's DH that would look silly when he phones to ask for them back. And of course he will look silly. He did a very silly thing.

That's awful and I would be fuming but I don't really understand why you're not going apoplectic at him?!

Have you told him you're so cross? Have you told the friends you're so cross? Dies anyone except mumsnet know?

If it were me I would tell DH that he needs to ring today and sort our his mistake or else something expensive of his would be going to a needy local family.

I agree with the solution of buying a pair of Top Shop type shoes and getting yours back

Also I too find it a bit odd how any of this came up with this girl and at most would expect him to have said he would ask you about any shoes you could spare her.

curious just how all of this came about?

Had I been the 16 year old in question, my mother would have MADE me give them back.

Are they your friends or your DH's?

OP-will you come back and answer some questions!?

Apologies for all the typos in my previous message-I was on my phone and I hadn't had a cup of tea yet ;)

To update/answer some of the questions.
I have no idea at all how the idea of my shoes being the ideal shoes for the 16 year old to wear to a dance came up.
They are dear friends. They started as my husbands friends, but I've known them years, so they are now joint friends.
I had plenty of opportunities over that evening and the following morning (they all stayed the night) to be assertive and say that there had been a mistake.

I can't explain why I didn't, I'm not usually a doormat. I think once I'd come home, v tired and saw the shoes had already been given I then missed the immediate opportunity, it just seemed to get harder and harder to speak up. I was so tired and at that point, was fuming but also thought, "ah well, they are short of money, the shoes were uncomfortable, the girl is pleased." By the time they left the next day, I actually handed them a plastic bag to put the shoes in. (yep).

My mixed feelings over this is why I posted it on AIBU. I am swinging like a pendulum from feeling all 'Zen' about it (they are only shoes, husband made a mistake, the girl is happy, the family are poor) to utter fury (they are my shoes, I have to replace them, a 16-year old doesn't need expensive shoes ffs.) However, the main focus for my ongoing fury is that my DH still hasn't really apologised or explained. Of course, I am also angry at myself for not speaking up. I played my part in this, I see that.

To the people that ask why if they are such good friends, I didn't feel it was easy to speak up. Some of that comes from not wanting to hurt them, as I like them very much. They are not english and are often baffled and hurt by what they find as odd behaviour by english people around them - often when they've failed to read the signals or the unspoken rules.

They aren't into designer labels they probably would be shocked at cost of the shoes. They are big into recycling, so if my DH gave the impression that the shoes weren't being used, they would be pleased to take them. They are lovely people.

Anyway, I actually don't know what is happening with the shoes. I got home all 'Zen' and then proceeded to have a row with my DH over the lack of an apology/what he was thinking by giving a 16-year old the shoes. He said, "I'll sort it out - look I'm texting them now" (don't know if he actually did text or not) I cringed and said, "No, leave it, I'm over the shoes, it's your apology I'm now after and an agreement that you don't hand over any more of my things in future." Then I went to bed and we've not mentioned the shoes again. I haven't had what I'd call an apology yet, though DH seems to think he's apologised.

Oh and he didn't read the Mumsnet thread. Said he wasn't interested.

Anyway, that's probably it from me. Thank you to the people that posted.

Oh get the shoes back-tell them that your husband was mistaken & you do still want them.

Why don't you call them, say you've been invited to a few events that you do need the shoes for, ask, very apologetically if you can have them back after she has worn them to the dance.
Or - say you feel bad giving her second hand shoes. Take them back, and take her shoe shopping as a Christmas treat. Stop dithering though or you will affect your friendship with these people as you will feel resentment when you see her.

Thanks for the update.

In the circumstances, could you contact the friends and say you've had a change of heart and actually could you please have them back before/after the party? Then you aren't getting into the rights and wrongs of who gave what to whom when, just how you are feeling now.

This isn't about the shoes.

It's about your dh being a cock.

He did it out of generosity - fine.

You are upset about it and he's neither explained, apologised nor is interested in seeing anyone else's perspective. Not fine.