Just got DP's opinion on Rape - not impressed AIBU

[wurzelmini]

Must admit, have had a few glasses of wine so i'm really not sure if I am BU or not. Was having a conversation with 'dp' about his families religion (Jehovah's) and asking what I would be allowed to wear to a meeting as he had expressed an interest in going to one after many years of not going.
I am not religious but was quite interested in their views on how women dressed and he said I shouldn't expose certain areas as they wouldn't like it.

The conversation then got on to how women dressed when out on an evening and I said it wouldn't make any difference if identical twins walked down the same street at night one in jeans, one in a mini skirt, if a rapist was in the area they would take either regardless of how they were dressed - we have now disagreed as he believes a rapist would not attack a woman in jeans!!

Am really annoyed at his opinion but am really not sure if IAIBU???

that poster is not just to educate boys/men, but to make everyone think about their stance on this

goad - goad or provoke,as by constant criticism; "He needled her with his sarcastic remarks"

Fine. You think the poster is patronising. You are absolutely welcome to that view. I find it traumatic. A bit to close to home. I am welcome to my opinion.

However, for you to then question my parenting? My faith in the morals of my male children? This is necessary to make your point about your view on the poster?

Feel free to comment on the poster all you like.

[sigh] The poster is a sarcastic reprise of a ten-point advisory, still being issued to women, on how not to get raped. As we know, Boney, it isn't within women's power to "not get raped". It is within men's power to not rape people. Pointing this out is much less patronising than telling women not to get raped., and 100% more accurate.

Due to the misconception that women are in charge of rape, lots of men remain blissfully unaware that rape has anything to do with men ... because if a woman doesn't want to "get raped" she can prevent it, right?

Such incorrect assumptions lead to a hell of a lot of date rapes and rapes of women who are drunk, asleep, or drugged. When we indirectly tell young men that a very drunk woman is 'asking for it', we allow them to believe they can have sex on a woman as long as she's not shouting No. That is rape. We need to be clarifying the fact.

"7. Don't forget: it's not sex with someone who's asleep or unconscious - it's RAPE!"

I've had my drink spiked at a wedding 'for a laugh', as well as deliberately by a rapist. I've heard kids laughing about spiking somebody else's drink. I've even heard men joking about spiking a woman's drink in order to rape her. They think it's okay because, well, nobody told them men who do that are rapists. They're constantly told, indirectly, that women cause their own rapes.

"1. Don't put drugs in women's drinks."

It is NOT patronising to make the point that the vast majority of rapists are men, and that it is the responsibility of men to not rape. We need men not to feel removed from the issue. We need more posters like this ...

xposted with some, I'm happy to see!

It is not enough for men not to be rapists. They need to understand that a rape victim is never to blame. Not pay lip service to this idea, but to let it inform their actions and thoughts. 'She was asking for it' has been the go to mitigation for far too long, and shamefully continues to be so.

Yes.

Men going "She's out of your league, mate, you'd have to drug her first" (cue laughter and, likely, a few more borderline-rapist 'jokes') ISN'T acceptable. Yet it happens all the time. The two bad things about this, for the hard of thinking are:

1. It allows real rapists to tell themselves any bloke would.
2. Humour ordinary men to distance themselves from the facts about rape.

Men going "It's tempting, isn't it" when observing a pretty woman pissed, or asleep, ISN'T acceptable for the same reasons.

The whole bloody mythology of women being in charge of rape needs breaking, urgently.

......................................

^^ Before anybody comes along to say it, rape can only be committed by men under UK law (requires a penis.) But there are women 'rapists', too - while jokes like these are much rarer amongst women, they're unacceptable too.

*typos. Tired.

Hi everyone - i'm still here, only just catching up on the thread which has some really interesting points, thank you everyone, our relationship is pretty much dead in the water anyway - honestly you would not believe the crap I have put up with if I posted it, but sometimes it does help to post and get other peoples opinions. Sorry I haven't responded before now. He is a product of his very strict upbringing and I think he needs counseling to be honest, he is his fathers son even though he clashes with him, watching from the sidelines they are so similar, his mother is lovely but a subservient doormat and I do not want to be like her. Think I may need a little counseling of my own when I LTB. x

and to you Wurzel

Take care wurzel.

I think it can be very hard to break away from ingrained religious beliefs, but if you don't share them it can make for a miserable time.

How does your husband know which female victims are selected by rapists? Is he a. a rapist, b. friends with a lot of rapists, c. well read in criminal psychology, d. friends with a lot of women who have been raped and have all talked to him in detail about it?

If not, why does he think he can tell a woman, who will have thought many, many times how she should keep herself safe and who (if like most women) has had many experiences of street harassment, unwanted advances and attempts to avoid many men on the streets, how he thinks she should dress to not be a victim? How could he possibly be better informed about this issue than women are?

Thanks - what bugs me is how hypocritical they are (only my experience of his family, i'm not casting aspersions on every 'religious' family), I was christened as a child but other than brownies etc. never attended church, I was just brought up to know right from wrong and none of my family have been in any particular trouble, most are hard working law abiding people, but his consist of crooks, druggies, alcoholics, adulterers, gamblers and still I am seen to be a lesser being by him and will be 'struck down' because I don't believe - i'm just so annoyed by the whole thing!!! The what you wear/dress like/rape thing brought it to a head for me after the way they all behave and the way they treat other people. So bloody hypocritical

Urgh, wurzel, that sounds like very hard work to put it mildly. It shouldn't be that hard, but you know that :( Good luck with your escape plan, and you know Relationships is there for you.

Thanks for triggering a worthwhile thread!

I would be livid.
Rape isn't about sexual attraction?!Women don't get raped because of the way they dress!They get raped because some men think they're entitled to install power over a woman.
The only reason an identical twin dressed in a miniskirt would get raped before her twin in jeans, is perhaps because the jeans would mean the rapist would have a harder time getting her clothes off and therefore would be less likely to get caught. I doubt that's what your OHmeans, though somehow!