Just got DP's opinion on Rape - not impressed AIBU

[wurzelmini]

Must admit, have had a few glasses of wine so i'm really not sure if I am BU or not. Was having a conversation with 'dp' about his families religion (Jehovah's) and asking what I would be allowed to wear to a meeting as he had expressed an interest in going to one after many years of not going.
I am not religious but was quite interested in their views on how women dressed and he said I shouldn't expose certain areas as they wouldn't like it.

The conversation then got on to how women dressed when out on an evening and I said it wouldn't make any difference if identical twins walked down the same street at night one in jeans, one in a mini skirt, if a rapist was in the area they would take either regardless of how they were dressed - we have now disagreed as he believes a rapist would not attack a woman in jeans!!

Am really annoyed at his opinion but am really not sure if IAIBU???

Do people really believe that rapists just go for the easiest option? It's about having power, and some like to feel they have power over a woman who might be considered a 'challenge' to them. Others might consider a woman's clothes, but really it isn't as simple as 'she's wearing a skirt, I'll rape her'. Rapists don't just make up their mind to rape as they walk past someone.

gordy I was about to come on and post with pretty much what you said - you said it so I won't repeat, but agree completely.

Fair point spikey

Is he thinking that a rapist would be more likely to attack the skirt wearing twin as a Skirt is to take off / lift up?

In his theory a beach or swimming pools would be the most likely place a women could get raped, after all they are in bikinis or swimming costume which is hardly any clothes.

rapists are not opportunitistic. It is not getting their rocks off that they are after.

You might want to remind DH that a Jehovah's witness was recently jailed for child abuse, and it was reported that the church covered it up. How would he feel at being told that of two men, the Jehovah's witness was the more likely to be a child abuser?

Please note I posted about violent attackers in general, not rapists in particular when describing the preference for thev'soft target.

Now, the situation is inherently improbable - if two women appeared, mugger would probably attack neither, waiting instead for a lone person, who looks weak and unlikely to fight back. This isn't a 'myth' - there is a whole field of study into victim selection.

Not generally the easiest option but the question was in the bizarre scenario of identical twins walking down the street at night.

Right - he has clarified (shouting in the process!! ffs) Twins are walking down the street together :-/

I think some men (and women probably) think that rape is about sexual desire, and that ease of access to the sexual organs is part of this. The rapist who likes to see a woman struggle, who likes to prove that he's a 'man', he doesn't want it easy, he wants to dominate and force submission.

I'd just go to bed wurzel. I don't know what your DH is trying to prove here.

Given that the conversation started off about covering 'certain' parts of your body, since you're a woman, I would have to say that your DP is as much a victim blaming wankstain as countless other wankstains.

DP!!! Def not DH

To be fair to the OP's DH I read it as if he feels it would be harder to attack in woman in jeans. And he's probably right. That doesn't make it more likely that a woman in a skirt will be raped (because seriously how often is a rapist going to be waiting on a dark street looking at two women coming past him at the same time, one in jeans and one in a skirt?!) but it makes his answer more reasonable.

I was raped in jeans. But that was in a house so irrelevant to the debate I guess.

As long as he doesn't feel it's the woman's fault either way then I wouldn't be especially andry at the comment.

So if its about covering bits of the body, which bits did those abused children leave uncovered? Was that their fault too? Is that why three church elders refused to co-operate with the investigation?

A couple of years ago a local man was found guilty of rape. Violent, stranger rape, which is actually quite rare. The judge in his summing up explained that he was going to be slightly more lenient, reduce the sentence a little because the CCTV footage of earlier in the evening showed that the victim had smiled at and chatted to her rapist. Encouragement apparently. Would your husband like to comment on this? I was utterly disgusted by this judge's comments and hoped that his beliefs weren't common but actually having asked around and read a few things here and there, it seems that people do genuinely think a woman's behaviour is somehow causally linked to the behaviour of a rapist.

I hope that your husband's comments come from ignorance and that you can re-educate him. Rape is nothing to do with sex. This is a good starting point. It doesn't matter what a woman or man looks like or acts like. Rape is an act chosen by the rapist to gratify his own desire to exert power. The choice lies ENTIRELY with the rapist.

A huge proportion of rapes are carried out by someone the victim already knows, what the victim is wearing is irrelevant, god I would be utterly raging at DH if he said something like this!!! In fact, I'd go as far as to say I'd reconsider a relationship over this kind of attitude

from
www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-offenders

Approximately 2/3 of rapes were committed by someone known to the victim.
73% of sexual assaults were perpetrated by a non-stranger.
38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.
28% are an intimate.
(which is an American site I've just realised, so some more below)

And some more from...

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/commonmyths2.php

Myth: Women who are sexually assaulted 'ask for it' by the way they dress or act, rape only happens to young women.

Fact: Many women are led to believe that if they are not part of a certain category of women then they are 'safe' from being raped. Women and girls of all ages, classes, culture, ability, sexuality, race and faith are raped. Attractiveness has little significance. Reports show that there is a great diversity in the way targeted women act or dress. Rapists choose women based on their vulnerability not their physical appearance.

Sorry, DP.

Your DH is making these statements based on the information and attitudes that he has been brought up with. If you want him to understand more then you need to explain the facts to him.

I think many men (nice men, good men) are woefully ill-informed about rape and this is a chance to teach him

Bloody hell, Show

Every few weeks one of my patients (both women and men) will tell me the story of their rape. The only thing these stories have in common is that all of these people were unfortunate enough to cross paths with a rapist. Nothing else. Not clothes, not how light or dark it was, not how much they had to drink, not if they were with friends or not, just that they were attacked by raping scum.
You husband sounds like he needs to educate himself.

Right - he has clarified...

Yeah, I don't think it's wise for him to think/fantasise about the details.

WTAF is the bizarre and unlikely scenario / fantasy your 'P' has got to do with anything that actually happens in real life.

If someone kicks off a conversation about rape with a theory about what the victim is wearing it is clear they know NOTHING ABOUT THE SUBJECT IN HAND and need to do some reading and research before they pronounce on it further.

I would personally find it that someone could even posit such a scenario.

I think many men (nice men, good men) are woefully ill-informed about rape and this is a chance to teach him

Yeah, it's a woman's job to tell men that rape is wrong - otherwise HOW WOULD THEY KNOW?