Just got DP's opinion on Rape - not impressed AIBU

[wurzelmini]

Must admit, have had a few glasses of wine so i'm really not sure if I am BU or not. Was having a conversation with 'dp' about his families religion (Jehovah's) and asking what I would be allowed to wear to a meeting as he had expressed an interest in going to one after many years of not going.
I am not religious but was quite interested in their views on how women dressed and he said I shouldn't expose certain areas as they wouldn't like it.

The conversation then got on to how women dressed when out on an evening and I said it wouldn't make any difference if identical twins walked down the same street at night one in jeans, one in a mini skirt, if a rapist was in the area they would take either regardless of how they were dressed - we have now disagreed as he believes a rapist would not attack a woman in jeans!!

Am really annoyed at his opinion but am really not sure if IAIBU???

Jesus anon just when you think it can't get worse...

wurzelmini It didn't take long for someone to suggest you left him did it. You might want to avoid getting your advice from MN next time, but ask real friends instead.

Or you could leave him tomorrow if you think that's sensible advice.

He's snoring away next to me now, I did get a bit gobby when we were talking about what would be acceptable attire for his religion (think A line skirts) so I think I pushed his buttons a bit by saying I don't think it matters what I wear as long as I am a decent moralistic person with good values - every woman/man is born with the same body etc... I just don't have a problem with bodies, boobs, legs, bellies.. I'm not a prude or overly sexual I just think it's natural - not that I would wear a mini skirt with boob tube purely because it's too bloody cold!!!!
I just don't like being told what I can or cannot do/wear/say :-(

What did he make of the answers on this thread?

How bloody ridiculous! But you shouldn't be surprised. Jehovah's have ridiculous views on everything! Do yourself a favour and don't waste your time going to a meeting. Used to have a JW book called 'questions young people ask' for teenagers. As useful as a chocolate teapot!

I find this weird and disturbing. It's almost like this guy thinks that the woman in the mini would be raped, because if he had ghost rapin' strides on, that's who he'd so for, so stands to reason.

Can ypu ask him if the woman in the mini skirt or jeans is more likely to be orally raped?

I haven't read the full they'd so apologies if anything has been previously said that goes against my response.

But, based on your original thread OP I wouldn't be too offended - Afterall your partner isn't saying the woman in the skirt would be raped first because she would be deemed as 'easy' or whatever negative connotations are associated with that dress code - I certainly don't make those assumptions by the way He may just have meant she would be chosen over the lady in jeans because in his eyes it might be easier to rape a woman in a skirt and I can understand his logic even if it is a bit misguided.

Of course a rapist would select his victim regardless of their dress sense- I think your partner was just giving his opinion in maybe a tactless way with no malice or blame intended?

I would seriously point him in the direction of Rape Crisis Scotland's This is Not an Invitation to Rape Me or Not Ever campaigns. His views are victim blaming bullshit not true and it sounds like he's never had to seriously question his position of privilege before.

If my DP expressed an opinion like that I'd tear him a new one (luckily he's a feminist, and understands rape culture and the like).

He may just have meant she would be chosen over the lady in jeans because in his eyes it might be easier to rape a woman in a skirt and I can understand his logic even if it is a bit misguided.

Am I the only person to have never, ever, considered how I might rape somebody and what victim dress code would make it easier?

I think if a man was in a club, hoping to meet someone just for some casual sex, he's more likely to go for a woman wearing a mini skirt and low-cut top, rather than someone in jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. I'm not saying that's right, but I think that's how it is.

But when it comes to strangers raping women in the street, what they're wearing is irrelevant. It's an act of control and violence, not an assumption that they must be "up for it" because of their outfit. I think they just use that as a defence after the fact.

When I was raped I was wearing a long skirt, boots and a baggy jumper. What I wore had nothing to do with it. I just happened to be on the same street as the rapist when he felt like raping someone. It was bad luck.

"I think I pushed his buttons a bit by saying I don't think it matters what I wear as long as I am a decent moralistic person with good values"

And seriously if that 'pushes his buttons' then I think you have fundamentally different values and a long term relationship isn't feasible Also, it makes him a twat

Going off topic slightly, I suggest that you think long and hard before going to a JW meeting. Your DPs religion is a very difficult way of life and you would find yourself completely controlled by him, his family and religious leaders if you became involved. You would not be allowed to celebrate Chistmas, Easter or your birthday or to have blood transfusions and certain other medical procedures.

His views on rape are merely expressing the JW beliefs which he hasn't learned to question yet. Ask him if it makes a difference if it's a man being raped. Does it matter if the man is wearing shorts or jeans?

"I think I pushed his buttons a bit by saying I don't think it matters what I wear as long as I am a decent moralistic person with good values -"

That annoyed him?

"I just don't have a problem with bodies, boobs, legs, bellies.." And he does?

He sounds like a twat, op. I can't see this working long-term.

"I just don't like being told what I can or cannot do/wear/say :-("

Stear clear of organised religions, then, to put it bluntly.

Opposing religious views are difficult to overcome in a partnership, you have to have detailed discussions on subjects, to clear up any misunderstandings.

My former DH was Roman Catholic , I am a Buddhist, our views were similar on some things and I just left out that I thought God didn't exist, he didn't bang on about God existing, iyswim.

Dressing in a certain way for Church etc can be removed from Victim blaming. I will cover up in a Church (as I did when I visited Rome) that doesn't mean that I think if I was raped, that it would be my fault.

You need to examine the reasoning behind the "rules", or opinions and then decide if you can respect them.

If your DP's opinions and expectations are not from a pace that you are happy with, or cannot respect, then it could mean the end of your relationship.

It is a massive thing to start a new found interest in a religion during an existing partnership, especially if there is a conflict in the other persons fundamental beliefs.

However, I doubt that your DP would go into Church, or his family meet you in shorts and bare arms etc, so the expectations may not be gendered.

When I say that they may not be gendered, I recently went to a Christening and there were young lads in sleeveless t shirts, I thought that this was more inappropriate than the women who were dressed as though they were hitting the town for a night out. At least the women had dressed "up", so in a way it showed that they considered it a special day and place, iyswim.

I think that in some situations there is a dress code for both Males and Females.

Just because he reckoned the one in the mini skirt would be more vulnerable doesn't mean he is blaming her for wearing it.

Just talking about it in a statistical way does anyone know what the likelihood is, does attire have any bearing?

Bit shocked that he's getting all this abuse for saying that tbh.

because some men DO think that way

I was assaulted once, well someone tried to do stuff I didn't want them to and I had to escape and I believe it was mentioned that 'well you were wearing a really short skirt so I thought you were up for it'.

Some people think short skirt = sexually available

That doesn't make the skirt wearer to blame, or anyone who says, some men think this way, a victim blamer. Because it's just stating a fact. Some men do.

It never fails to amaze me how some people dress up (sorry for the pun) mind-numbing stupidity and bigotedness as 'religion'. As if that makes it ok. Fucking hell.

I don't see how it's victim blaming

The mini skirt wearer is probably more vulnerable in the sense that you could do it quicker/easier. The jeans wearer is vulnerable in the sense that a rapist raping as a power/control thing will probably be attracted to the struggling and difficulty ifyswim.

He isn't saying it's her fault whatsoever. The only cause of rape is the RAPIST. However, one is in a slightly more vulnerable position than the other. He isn't saying it's her fault, he just thinks the skirt wearer is probably slightly more vulnerable, and never said it excused rape. If he said, 'well, the one wearing the skirt was obviously asking for it' then YANBU, and whether he is incorrect or not, he wasn't blaming anyone apart from the rapist.

It's the phrase " acceptable attire for his religion" that got me. I'd run a mile from any man or religion that told me what I could or couldn't wear.

I'm quite disturbed you're even having this conversation with your partner. I think my chap would think I'd lost my marbles if I were having a conversation with him about who is more likely to be raped in a given situation.

Men get raped by men too. And I don't believe any mini skirts are ever involved.

"he believes a rapist would not attack a woman in jeans!!"

Why does he believe that? It's bonkers. It goes completely against the evidence. Old women of 80 get raped. Babies get raped. Women in burkas get raped. Gang rape is increasingly common, both in this country and elsewhere - do you think gangs of men stop to consider what a woman is wearing before they rape her?

I think when he read this, he'll feel defensive and pissed off with these "angry, bitter" women misunderstanding him and slagging off his religion.

But I hope over the next few days he thinks about what's been said and starts to look in to some of the recommended campaigns and websites mentioned up thread.