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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just got DP's opinion on Rape - not impressed AIBU

189 replies

wurzelmini · 02/11/2013 21:31

Must admit, have had a few glasses of wine so i'm really not sure if I am BU or not. Was having a conversation with 'dp' about his families religion (Jehovah's) and asking what I would be allowed to wear to a meeting as he had expressed an interest in going to one after many years of not going.
I am not religious but was quite interested in their views on how women dressed and he said I shouldn't expose certain areas as they wouldn't like it.

The conversation then got on to how women dressed when out on an evening and I said it wouldn't make any difference if identical twins walked down the same street at night one in jeans, one in a mini skirt, if a rapist was in the area they would take either regardless of how they were dressed - we have now disagreed as he believes a rapist would not attack a woman in jeans!!

Am really annoyed at his opinion but am really not sure if IAIBU???

OP posts:
cjel · 03/11/2013 18:04

If you value yourself you will realise that you have the right to say no when a man wants something you don't. When the saying was around it was common for women to be second class to men in relationships and it was part of teaching them that you don't have to be.
I didn't learn that as i was abused as a child so when I was in my marriage I allowed my husband to treat me badly. If I had learnt to value myself I would have realise that how I was being treated was wrong and not deserved.

Mumpire · 03/11/2013 18:05

I had a very depressing conversation with my father about rape once. It is something I've pushed to the back of my mind, as he considers himself a good man, and that's what I've always believed, and he's been a good husband to my mum and a good father to us, but it was an unsettling conversation. Basically men that consider themselves 'decent' still blame women more. Blame them more for getting pregnant, and refuse, refuse to 100% blame a man for the rape. There are mitigating circumstances doing laps in their heads whether they verbalise them or not. We were all three sheets to the wind when we had this discussion as well.

Spikeytree · 03/11/2013 18:32

'if you put all the goods in the window, no-one needs to come into the shop'

This phrase is a warning to women that if they dress in a certain way, they won't snare a man for a 'proper' relationship as he won't need to commit to them to get what he wants, he'll have already had it.

As I said, misogynistic crap.

garlicbutter · 03/11/2013 18:47

YY - and, like the cow/milk saying, assumes a woman must ensnare a man by promising, but withholding, sex. No woman is worthless without a man, and no woman is responsible for 'gatekeeper' duties regarding sex. Thank god.

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 18:52

Isn't the all on display saying the same as why some people saying why marry a woman when you can get it without

if you show all you have got the man has no reason to want to take you out and get to know you.

if you sleep with him "too soon" why would he feel the need to marry him when he can have sex without?

old fashioned thinking.

toffeesponge · 03/11/2013 18:55

garlicbutter you post at 18:02 is spot on. I know someone who was abused as a child and since then has felt all she had to offer was her body Sad.

Vivacia · 03/11/2013 18:59

Cjel What crime does valuing yourself prevent you from being a victim of (I wrongly assumed you meant rape, but you said that it wasn't about rape)?

If you value yourself you will realise that you have the right to say no when a man wants something you don't. So if women value themselves, they don't get raped?

You see, my problem is, that we can go on and on and on about how women should behave, dress, talk, think and all of it sends the message that A) rape is down to the victim and B) women that do get raped are some how at fault.

I've said this before, but there are very simple ways to behave that prevent rape -
A) If your mate is drunk, don't rape her.
B) If you and a colleague are the last two on the premises, don't rape her.
C) If you befriend a 13 year old, don't groom and rape her.
D) If you break in to an old person's home, don't rape her.
Etc.

BerstieSpotts · 03/11/2013 19:04

Spikey it also plays into the old myth that men want sex and will only have relationships so they can get it, because they don't see the value in a relationship, only the sex. And women don't like sex but they will do it in exchange for a relationship, because this is what they really want.

Ugh. Yep. Total outdated crap.

Unfortunately, although it would be nice to believe that it is possible to avoid being a victim of rape or abuse just by knowing your own mind and saying no, it's not true. Victims of rape and abuse don't just lie there and take it. Even the most passive person will show some kind of sign that they aren't happy. The point is that an abuser or rapist doesn't care.

Spikeytree · 03/11/2013 19:26

The people who spout off this shit about being able to 'avoid' rape just heap pain on those who have been raped.

FishfingersAreOK · 03/11/2013 19:38

Show your DP this. I saw it on a MN thread a few months back adn have kept a link to show my DS when he is older. I think every man should read it.

i.imgur.com/LjxTB.jpg

HowlingTrap · 03/11/2013 20:23

I actually wouldn't take it too seriously it sounds as if you asked him a loaded question and he perhaps answered in a way he thought was obvious?

If he has a religious background,that sort of thinking is going to be more ingrained.
Unless the comment was women in short skirts are asking to be raped, not quite the same was it?

maybe talk to him rather than but him on blast online.

FunnyFadge · 03/11/2013 20:26

I'm surprised MNetters have been screaming LTB.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/11/2013 20:38

FishfingersAreOK

and with any luck he will tell you to not be so patronising

FishfingersAreOK · 03/11/2013 20:46

Thanks for that Boney. Because of course I would just pop it in front of him with no discussion, no context and no belief in the morals of my own son. I know, I shall try to not sound like you when I have the discussion with him and I with any luck I will do OK thanks. Hmm

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/11/2013 20:52

That "men can stop rape" poster is not patronising in the slightest. It's a damn sight better than previous efforts that put all the responsibility on women to stop men raping them. Good call, FishFingers

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/11/2013 20:52

FishfingersAreOK

Ever thought that if you bring him up properly (which I'm am sure you have) he won't need any patronising posters to guide his moral compass.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/11/2013 20:54

It seems some men, even those brought up "properly" still need someone to dispute those rape myths. Because unfortunately, our society still pushes that victim-blaming shit everywhere you look.

Mumpire · 03/11/2013 21:00

That poster is excellent.

I wouldn't randomly hand it to a particular man with a loaded look! but (unless I had reason to) it should be up on all tube stations and bus stations and the backs of cubicle doors and so on.

FishfingersAreOK · 03/11/2013 21:19

Wow Boney. Never thought that at all.

Stop being so patronising.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/11/2013 21:20

Fish

Then you have very little faith in your male children.

garlicbutter · 03/11/2013 21:25

it should be up on all tube stations and bus stations and the backs of cubicle doors and so on. - It really should. Too many people are surprised by the idea that rapists cause rape!

gordyslovesheep · 03/11/2013 21:25

brilliant poster FishfingersAreOK

Nothing wrong with educating your son - you will do a wonderful job but other parents may not - your son can influence his peers

FishfingersAreOK · 03/11/2013 21:28

I suppose alternatively I could discuss with him the time I was raped - and how it fits at least 2 of the points on that poster. Or hmmm....maybe not. Maybe a bit distressing for him?

However, yes, I would rather, rather, rather he told me to fuck off upon seeing the poster as he has moral integrity to never consider rape. But as part of that moral integrity to never consider rape I would want him to know and understand that sex should be fully, totally consensual. That any uncertainty should be clarified. I think this poster is an excellent way to demonstrate this.

BTW my son is 5. I may be planning ahead. I may not use this poster. But I think the message is powerful. By the time he is old enough to have such a conversation I may not need it. But I have saved it so I can if I decide to. So I saved it for use in the future. So fucking beat me up why don't you.

FishfingersAreOK · 03/11/2013 21:31

Boney please stop being so goady.

And as PP says yes - having the poster up everywhere would be better still.

I cannot educate the world the points on the poster - that rapists cause rape. I can however ensure - however I decide to do it - that my son knows. And yes, can educate his peers.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/11/2013 21:36

goady, just because in my opinion the poster is patronising.

It seems that goady is the new buzzword on here.

yes, rapists cause rape. I'm not saying otherwise.