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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can't go to his Xmas work party?

239 replies

Unknownmember · 26/10/2013 16:42

So DH's work Xmas do is on a Saturday and includes an overnight stay in a hotel, as it's really a get as drunk as you want party. He really wants to go to this.

But it's the same day as DC1 3rd birthday. I said no as I think he should be at home celebrating. I was thinking we would go out for the morning and have a few of our closest friends over for cake later in the day.

He think it's ok to go and then come back Sunday afternoon and celebrate then.

I do have issues with him and his drinking, and also have said that he places too much importance on what other people think of him. And this is happening at a detriment to our marriage.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BOF · 27/10/2013 02:28

Squoosh, it's hardly unreasonable to expect the OP to add the pertinent information that he's got form for getting wankered and shagging prossies.

Monty27 · 27/10/2013 02:33

I must have missed the birthday date, not that I think that's particularly relevant Confused. So close to Christmas? So?

squoosh · 27/10/2013 02:38

No, but we don't know the OP. It may have taken her lots of deep breaths and a couple of glasses of wine to fully disclose what her husband is like. It just feels that sometimes people are so impatient when the OP doesn't disclose everything immediately.

BOF · 27/10/2013 02:49

You are extremely charitable, squoosh Grin. To your credit. But MN would collapse if we were expected to keep infinite possibilities in mind.

Original poster
Unknownmember · 27/10/2013 02:50

I didn't mean to drip feed. But I am trying and sometimes failing to, separate the problems I am trying to move past, the sleeping with someone else, the dink driving. I am trying to rebuild our marriage. I am trying and failing, to not use those issues as something that I can hold over him for every problem. But it's hard.

I wanted to know if I was BU by thinking he shouldn't go. And I have agreed that I was. The only reason I said all the problems we have had is that people questioned if there was more to his drinking. If there was another reason why I was saying no.

For those of you who think I am being controlling, I'm far from it. He still goes out with his friends, he has nights away where I know that they will be drinking and would rather he didn't come home but was safer with those people. He has just come back from a week away abroad at a friends wedding.

Controlling, no. That I know I'm not. I am just trying to make this work. And to safeguard my Family from any more problems.

OP posts:
ravenAnyKucker · 27/10/2013 03:05

I don't think YABU at all in not wanting your dh to spend the night away on a work's jolly, given his previous.

I do think you need to move past thinking it's anything to do with a birthday tea party for your ds, though.

You need to be honest, & so does he, & acknowledge that the MASSIVE problem with him going out on the piss overnight is that he drives whilst drunk & cheats on you whilst drunk.

You say you are trying to re-build your marriage - well, he needs to be doing that too. Expecting to go out on the lash overnight, when he's obviously failed to regain your trust, is not the behaviour of a man who is committed to that rebuilding.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 27/10/2013 06:04

But OP, how can you separate these issues when they are so intertwined? FWIW I didn't think you were unreasonable to expect him not to go BEFORE you posted this new information. But now you have - how can you move on, rebuild and safeguard your family when he is still going out drinking like this? How do you feel when he's away getting drunk? I totally agree with raven - what is HE doing to rebuild your marriage?

Howsuper · 27/10/2013 06:52

Dh and I both enjoy a drink or ten, both have busy (separate and joint) social lives that often mean late nights. I wouldn't give a hoot if dh went out til clocks or stayed the night out on a big work night out.

BUT neither of us would want to be absent on our son's birthday weekend - or hungover either.

Our kids are 12 and 10 and neither of us ever been off on a booze fest.

I don't think anyone is trying to be a 'cool wife' whatever the cringey fuck that is, I just think people are falling over themselves to say you can't control what another adult does and actually forgetting that this is a big deal, a kids' birthday.

And I don't believe for a minute the people ridiculing the OP would actually do this or want their husbands to do this either!!

Howsuper · 27/10/2013 06:54

Never been off on a booze fest on their birthdays I meant - why do I NEVER post properly??

everlong · 27/10/2013 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Howsuper · 27/10/2013 07:49

Fucking hell, I missed your last post.
I'm so sorry, OP.
What steps is he taking to properly prove to you he loves you and your dc and wants the marriage to work?
It is very telling that you say you have been trying to make the marriage work.
If this means having to STFU when he wants to go out drinking for the night after all his shenanigans...Sad

PedantMarina · 27/10/2013 08:26

I was trying to help (not derive EastEnders-style entertainment), and the OP neglected to give us game-changing information in her original post. It negates our original advice and frankly wasted our time. So, yes, some of us are going to be irked.

I recognise some names of regulars to the Relationships section, and note that the longer-term people tend more towards annoyance/disbelief than the names I don't recognise.

What resources we could have been. Getting coat now.

Fecklessdizzy · 27/10/2013 08:32

Oh dear. I can quite see why you don't want him to go now, given what you've posted, but as someone said up-thread, what is the point of being with a partner if you don't trust them out of your sight?

BIWI · 27/10/2013 08:35

And how much work is your 'D'H trying to do to make this marriage work?

It sounds awful for you.

feelingvunerable · 27/10/2013 08:44

Are you ok op?

I have only just read your post but having been through something similar myself can fully empathise with you.

I understand your wanting to make your marriage work but please remember that it takes both parties to do that.

I also know how easy it is for others to say you are not his mother etc but in reality you always will be dealing with a naughty boy, in most cases your own dc will mature before your partner ever does.

Please keep posting on here as there is support.
Remember too that nothing you do will change his long term behavour.

When you are feeling more settled please evaluate your relationship. Do you want to have to parent your own partner?

Take care.

YouTheCat · 27/10/2013 08:47

That's the crux of it. OP is trying her utmost to hold the marriage together but what is he dh doing?

It doesn't sound like he's doing much at all and it is him who should be trying to rebuild the trust, not you.

I tried repairing my marriage but without my ex putting in any effort whatsoever, it was doomed.

Thewalkingdeadkr · 27/10/2013 08:47

I'm far from it. He still goes out with his friends, he has nights away where I know that they will be drinking and would rather he didn't come home but was safer with those people. He has just come back from a week away abroad at a friends wedding.

With his previous I'm not sure he's very sensitive to your feelings if he still lives this type of lifestyle.

This won't work op. I was married to a selfish drinker.
The relief of not having to deal with him is stil immense ten years later.

LimitedEditionLady · 27/10/2013 08:50

I think id expect my oh to be home for his sons birthday,every birthday of my sons is a big deal to me.if its far away enough for a hotel i take it he cant cone bk saturday night.

HaroldLloyd · 27/10/2013 09:29

I agree with ledkr OP, has he changed much at all?

I can see your trying to give things a go with treating him "normally" but this isn't a normal situation is it, he's destroying your relationship with this.

He should be thanking his lucky stars you haven't left him and doing everything he can to put you at ease in my opinion.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno · 27/10/2013 09:47

Am i the only one baffled that his christmas do is at the start of November? Bit early isnt it?

Anyway, aside from that, i dont think you are BU in light of your last updates, but if you are ok with him still going out on the razz with friends and abroad etc then why is this do bothering you? Is there somebody from his work you dont trust him with? Are partners not invited?

everlong · 27/10/2013 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BasilFucker · 27/10/2013 09:56

Actually the OP did give us a crucial piece of information in her OP which many people chose to ignore or minimise: that she had issues with her DP's drinking. Lots of people are too willing to dismiss women's "issues" about something as being invalid, because they'd rather assume they are abusive control freaks. Hmm

OP this: "But I am trying and sometimes failing to, separate the problems I am trying to move past, the sleeping with someone else, the dink driving. I am trying to rebuild our marriage. "

You can't rebuild your marriage by yourself because your DH needs to do his fair share of re-building it and he clearly isn't doing that. He wouldn't even consider going to the Xmas party if he were. Sad Also you cannot separate the problems in your marriage out from each other because they all comes down to the same things: your DH's lack of respect for you and unwillingness to take responsibility for his own behaviour. Men don't sleep with prostituted women because they are drunk; they sleep with them because they have no respect for women (even their wives) and they just simply feel entitled to. Using drink to make excuses for appalling behaviour is something alcoholics are really, really good at doing, but the rest of us shouldn't let them off the hook and take their explanations at face value.

TBH the fact that he's an alcoholic is less serious than that he slept with a prostituted woman; the former can be cured, but the latter is a sign of such deep-seated contempt for women that I doubt it can be. However, who knows, it's your marriage and your choice and if you're willing to spend your energy and time on it, then your best starting point would be to phone Al-Anon who can give you probably much better advice than anyone else, at least as regards dealing with his alcoholism. One of the things which other posters picked up on was that control tone in your OP - that tone which said to me that you are used to taking all the responsibility in your relationship, you are the one who takes the parent role, who cleans up the mess the other one's made, who hides and covers for him and grits their teeth and presents a respectable front to the world in the face of his alcoholic behaviour. That is the tone fairly typical of an alcoholic co-dependent, the partner who is taking too much responsibilty for the relationship and the other person. I've got to go out today so can't talk more about it, but maybe other people can and Al-Anon will help you. Good luck.

everlong · 27/10/2013 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 27/10/2013 10:06

I agree everlong

YouTheCat · 27/10/2013 10:06

Basil, I've seen posters on here say they have issues with their partner's drinking and later it's revealed the 'drinking' is a bottle of beer with tea. Confused

Because someone has a problem with something does not necessarily mean that it is actually a problem. Though, since the epic dripfeed, I can see the OP has much bigger problems than her partner having a drink.