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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can't go to his Xmas work party?

239 replies

Unknownmember · 26/10/2013 16:42

So DH's work Xmas do is on a Saturday and includes an overnight stay in a hotel, as it's really a get as drunk as you want party. He really wants to go to this.

But it's the same day as DC1 3rd birthday. I said no as I think he should be at home celebrating. I was thinking we would go out for the morning and have a few of our closest friends over for cake later in the day.

He think it's ok to go and then come back Sunday afternoon and celebrate then.

I do have issues with him and his drinking, and also have said that he places too much importance on what other people think of him. And this is happening at a detriment to our marriage.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BasilFucker · 26/10/2013 19:50

No we don't know what the issue is.

But the basic rule of thumb is that if your partner has a problem with your drinking, then your drinking is a problem.

Unless the OP comes back and tells us what it is, I don't think it's reasonable to say one way or the other whether she's being unreasonable.

QuintsHollow · 26/10/2013 19:50

Unless your dh has an alcohol problem I dont see what the issue is.

Birthday party early on Saturday, drinks do in the evening!

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 26/10/2013 19:51

I'm a cool wife :)

DH is his own person, he is not my property and he can do what the hell he wants.

Being in a relationship he wants to spend time with me and the DC and birthdays and when the DC have birthdays me and DH reminisce about the births ect.

Pinupgirl · 26/10/2013 19:52

The op also mentions that the dh's behaviour is "to the detriment of their marriage"-yet you are all choosing to ignore that to extrapolate that the op is controllingHmm

cjel · 26/10/2013 19:53

Dcs party Saturday morning and afternoon, then H leaves and goes to christmas Party. No problem!!

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2013 19:53

Yes the phrase 'Cool wives'...to describe anyone who isn't a total control freak, is another reason some of us stay off the Relationship board.

It's up there with the word 'Menz'...

HaroldLloyd · 26/10/2013 19:53

I have thank you pinup.

Thanks for checking but I have all relevant facts to my fingertips.

If you note my original response I did ensure to mention it rather depended on any other issues.

It's not particularly being a "cool wife" to have to problem with your partner going on a work event in the night if a three year olds party, on a normal run of things.

BasilFucker · 26/10/2013 19:53

But she mentioned that she has issues with his drinking in the OP, everlong.

That's an alarm bell, surely?

YouTheCat · 26/10/2013 19:54

Op has not elaborated on what the problems are. She has stated she has problems with him drinking, not that he has an alcohol problem.

flowery · 26/10/2013 19:54

But three year olds don't have their birthdays at night!

Not unreasonable not to be happy about him going out on the piss if he has an alcohol problem, but that's got nothing to do with a small DCs birthday.

ilovesooty · 26/10/2013 19:54

I think she is BU to lay down the law about what he is allowed to do. It's even more unreasonable if the timing doesn't conflict with the 3 year old's birthday.

Obviously if he is actually a problem / dependent drinker it alters things somewhat.

darkdays · 26/10/2013 19:55

You're being very unreasonable, at face value at least. You're either jealous or he has a drink issue you haven't disclosed.

HaroldLloyd · 26/10/2013 19:55

Possibly basil possibly not.

Don't know do we.

Pinupgirl · 26/10/2013 19:55

I rarely post on the relationship boards worra so I can't comment on that.

darkdays · 26/10/2013 19:56

Disclosed adequately.

ilovesooty · 26/10/2013 19:56

Yes the phrase 'Cool wives'...to describe anyone who isn't a total control freak, is another reason some of us stay off the Relationship board. It's up there with the word 'Menz'

Absolutely.

MikeLitorisBites · 26/10/2013 19:56

I go to my work parties because I enjoy socialising, not because I want to 'get ahead'. I also go on nights out when it isn't Christmas Shock. I go clubbing and get drunk just for fun

I must have missed the memo saying once I became a parent I had to spent every waking minute with them or pining to be with them.

And I'm ignoring the drink problem issue as the op hasnt come back to say if he has an actual problem with drink or if she has a problem with him drinking.

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2013 19:57

Her 'issues' over him drinking don't ring any alarm bells with me until she actually explains what her 'issues' are...and as yet she hasn't chosen to do that.

For all we know her issues could be something serious or they could quite simply be that she doesn't like him doing it...

However, what does ring alarm bells with me is what she actually has told us...and that is that she's told him 'no' and decided what he should be doing that day.

marriedinwhiteisback · 26/10/2013 19:57

I haven't trawled though all of this but works do's can't usually be changed to take into account family plans. Why can't you celebrate the toddler's birthday the week before or the week after?

Think yourself lucky I have had to go to my DH's works do for the last 25 years Grin and now we both have to stay until the bitter end because he is one of the bosses and we both stay over at the hotel and have to nod and smile again in the fucking morning. But he would never have become one of the bosses if I hadn't supported him, sometimes at the expense of family occasions way back when.

everlong · 26/10/2013 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaroldLloyd · 26/10/2013 20:00

Surely there is a compromise here.

Sat: family day
Sat night: out for party
Sun morning: travel home
Sun afternoon: family cake

I don't see any losers in the scenario above.

Maybe I'm just to cool innit.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 26/10/2013 20:00

Have re-read OP and it states the work do is on a Saturday and consequently he wants to celebrate the birthday on Sunday. So is the work do an all-day thing followed by a piss-up in the evening? So he would actually miss all of DC's birthday and then come home Sunday afternoon presumably hungover thinking they would do the birthday stuff then? If that's the case I would say OP is definitely not unreasonable.

eurochick · 26/10/2013 20:01

YABU to tell another adult what he can or can't do.

But as to whether he is unreasonable to go to me depends on whether the child's birthday can be celebrated. Can you do something Saturday day time before the do? If not, can you make plans for Sunday afternoon? Surely a Saturday night do can't take over the entire weekend?

whatever5 · 26/10/2013 20:01

I'd have been really upset if DH had wanted to go out on Dds third birthday rather than celebrate it with her. She was certainly aware that it was her birthday when she was three. I wouldn't have been at all impressed with the idea that we should celebrate it on a different day either.

That said, I can't see why he can't go out on Saturday evening. Surely your DC will be in bed by then anyway?

WilsonFrickett · 26/10/2013 20:05

My DH is an adult and free to go out when he likes. He has had his issues wrt alcohol in the past, but I would never translate that into it being my job to stop him doing stuff - it is his job to deal with his drinking and to do it within the confines of real life (ie my DH doesn't just have to go to the work do, he has to host it as a senior mgr. so just saying 'you can't go' is ridiculous in our situation and wouldn't solve any problems).

If actually being cool with my DH having a life outside the home makes me a 'cool wife' then I guess I'm a cool wife. Hmm