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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can't go to his Xmas work party?

239 replies

Unknownmember · 26/10/2013 16:42

So DH's work Xmas do is on a Saturday and includes an overnight stay in a hotel, as it's really a get as drunk as you want party. He really wants to go to this.

But it's the same day as DC1 3rd birthday. I said no as I think he should be at home celebrating. I was thinking we would go out for the morning and have a few of our closest friends over for cake later in the day.

He think it's ok to go and then come back Sunday afternoon and celebrate then.

I do have issues with him and his drinking, and also have said that he places too much importance on what other people think of him. And this is happening at a detriment to our marriage.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BasilFucker · 26/10/2013 20:14

"I'm sure that if the husbands drinking was the real issue the OP would have mentioned this first as opposed to the fact it was their ds's birthday"

Are you?

I'm not.

People in denial will often go round the houses before they get to the root of what's really bugging them.

magentastardust · 26/10/2013 20:15

2 of our children have xmas birthdays-if the works xmas do falls on one of their birthdays Dh or I would even think to go -it is our childs birthday -we can go to many, many other work nights out.

Yes OP shouldn't be telling her DH what he can do and has no right to be so controlling -but I am surprised that so many people are giving her a hard time.

If it is just a night out then I guess by time the Dh goes out dc will be in or almost ready for bed so doable but if it is away else where and overnight maybe there is some travelling involved and the dh is being expected to leave for the weekend in the afternoon so would be missing the majority of the Dc's day?

HaroldLloyd · 26/10/2013 20:17

I do agree with the all day all night beano element. If its the whole day and night of Saturday.

Just didn't think it was likely.

everlong · 26/10/2013 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 26/10/2013 20:25

Harold as far as I can see, him being gone through the day on Saturday could be the only reason he'd suggest celebrating on Sunday, I think. And if it's an overnight thing it sounds likely he won't be in a fit state to really enjoy a toddler's birthday party the following afternoon!

HaroldLloyd · 26/10/2013 20:29

Yeah we are all guessing a bit.

Going to have Wine instead I think.

YouTheCat · 26/10/2013 20:29

I can only go on what the OP has actually posted and she has said she has a problem with him drinking.

I was married to an alcoholic. I had a problem with his drinking because it was all the time and to the detriment of our family. OP hasn't said what her problem with his drinking is though.

If she would come back and elaborate maybe people would be more helpful?

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/10/2013 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ubik · 26/10/2013 20:43

It's his Xmas night out FGS.

Surely the normal run of things is to celebrate kids birthday have a lovely time and ten go to work party.

Wish I had a Xmas do Sad

BasilFucker · 26/10/2013 21:04

I wonder what your motive would be in posting something as inflammatory as that, sockreturningpixie?

Hmm
GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/10/2013 21:14

There is obviously other stuff going on with the op and get dh but don't let that get in the way of you all jumping on her and slapping her down...

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/10/2013 21:14

*her dh

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 26/10/2013 21:34

Is there? Obviously ?

Hmm
foreverondiet · 26/10/2013 21:40

Sorry i think you are being controlling. Have party on Sunday afternoon and make him promise he will be back by then in suitable state for party...

Balloonist · 26/10/2013 21:48

Granted the OP doesn't own her DH, however I think the perameters do change when you have children.

The OP is in effect providing free childcare for her DH whilst he goes off to his Xmas do so she is entitled to an opinion/some discussion.

The reality is her DH will probably come home very hungover (as she mentions she has concerns about the drinking) and might be of no use for the rest of the day so in effect, more childcare on OP's shoulders.

Whilst I think that the birthday might be a redherring- after all why can't they celebrate and her DH go off to his work do on the Saturday evening or is he hoping to get away early on the saturday too.

In which case OP is probably thinking her own weekend isn't going to be much fun. In that case I hope your DH will return the favour and give you a free weekend to yourself very soon.

Thants · 26/10/2013 21:49

I'd be upset that he wanted to go and not be there for our child's birthday. It's one day out of the whole year and the third birthday is the first one they can really appreciate. Yanbu.

Original poster
Unknownmember · 26/10/2013 21:55

Ok. So thanks for all your replies! It took me a while to read them and take them on board.

As some of you pointed out, DC Birthday wasn't the main problem. It's his drinking. His drinking has got
Him to the state of. Drink driving and getting caught, sleeping with a prostitute and the other problems it causes. Yes I am still with him and don't want to go into LTB. It's not always that simple or easy.

The thought of an overnight stay, and the night before I found out about the party he went out on a work thing. We ha a talk as I told him some safe guards I needed in place to make sure he was safe and I could have some peace of mind. It didn't really work that well. So I reacted out of hurt.

We have talked more since I read your replies. And he's going. And we are celebrating DCs birthday in the morning and taking him out then.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 26/10/2013 21:57

That puts a whole new slant on it then.

I don't blame you for not wanting him to go if he is unable to keep it in his pants.

I don't think his drinking is the problem though (not the main one anyway) - it's his total lack of respect for you.

marriedinwhiteisback · 26/10/2013 21:59

It's not just a works do that bothering you is it then love? Poor you.

everlong · 26/10/2013 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 26/10/2013 22:02

Quite - so that's a completely different question that should have been asked

ilovesooty · 26/10/2013 22:02

Well it's pretty obvious if your husband has been caught drink driving and has slept with a prostitute that you would have reservations about him going out for the night

Somewhat relevant to the original question when assessing whether YABU.

thistlelicker · 26/10/2013 22:02

Well that puts a different spin on things!

Major drip feed
But glad u have compromised with dp

changeforthebetter · 26/10/2013 22:12

It's not the works do is it? It's the out-of-his-tree teenagery behaviour which is already a problem. You are not being controlling to want him to spend his DC's birthday with his child - you are being normal Smile. Work Xmas dos are seriously overrated and really I think he has his priorities a bit skewed. If he could go to it and return bit merry that would be fine,I assume. It sounds like he intends to get shitfaced Hmm

SarahBumBarer · 26/10/2013 22:32

Quite - so that's a completely different question that should have been asked

Well yes, indeed. Clearly OP is not ready to ask that question.

There is however no point OP in asking the wrong question, looking like and being told that you are a control freak and having that knock your confidence in terms of dealing with the more substantial issues.