To say DH can't go to his Xmas work party?

[Unknownmember]

So DH's work Xmas do is on a Saturday and includes an overnight stay in a hotel, as it's really a get as drunk as you want party. He really wants to go to this.

But it's the same day as DC1 3rd birthday. I said no as I think he should be at home celebrating. I was thinking we would go out for the morning and have a few of our closest friends over for cake later in the day.

He think it's ok to go and then come back Sunday afternoon and celebrate then.

I do have issues with him and his drinking, and also have said that he places too much importance on what other people think of him. And this is happening at a detriment to our marriage.

AIBU?

squoosh is spot on with this:

"I really hate the way people act as though a 'drip feed' is a personal affront. This isn't an episode of Eastenders, this is someone's day to day life, they aren't here for your personal entertainment."

There was more to the OP's situation than it at first appeared but there were lots of assumptions that she was a controlling harpie. That was one option, but the other was that there was more going on that might explain her feelings about this situation. She's seeking help in what appears to be a tricky situation, and may not be presenting all the salient facts in the most user-friendly format because she's not here for us.

No we're not mind readers and drip feeding is irritating I agree.

But I think that until the OP comes back and tells us what the issues are, it's kind and supportive and within the spirit of mumsnet to assume that the issues are real, rather than jump to the lazy assumption that any issue she has is probably invalid so it's OK to tell her she's abusive and controlling. That's really horrible IMO.

Anyway I'm off out now so OP I hope you get some good advice based on your further posts.

Not everyone did jump to those assumptions though.

I'm confused (doesn't take much, but anyhoo.)
If your child's birthday is on the Saturday, he's THERE celebrating the birthday in the morning by going out with you both, then having some cake later on, where's the problem? He's there for the birthday!
How does him going out on the night to a night works do affect the 3 year old's birthday? Said 3 year old will be in bed anyway, and had a nice day out with both parents for birthday and some cake!
Unless he has to set off ridiculously early, about lunchtime or something? Then I could see why you're upset.
Given what you've written though, I'm struggling a little.

separate the problems I am trying to move past, the sleeping with someone else, the dink driving.

Oh for goodness sake, I DID RTFT before anyone starts, I just thought there wouldn't be a huge drip feed of information 9 pages in and that 6 would suffice!
Of course YANBU then. Why not say that in the first place?

OP, I can't criticise you for drip-feeding. I did the same; I wouldn't admit to anyone how bad XH's drinking (and drinking-fuelled behaviour - at least the bits I knew about) was to anyone. But I'd urge you to listen to the people who have lived through marriage or partnership with an alcoholic, or who have been the children of such a marriage. You can't fix this on your own, and if he's not willing to do his part, really, you should bail out now. I didn't. I stayed with XH for fifteen years after he first told me he was alcoholic (though for much of that fifteen years, he was trying to stop drinking) and I supported him emotionally for ten years after we separated.

What I'm trying to say to you is that even with someone who I truly believe is a good person, and who wanted to be a good father, and who eventually had the strength to give up drinking, my daughter's life was wrecked. We're slowly rebuilding her, but I fear she'll never be free of the demons and the fear that come from living the life of a child of an alcoholic marriage.

If he can't or won't address his problems (and you can't be the one to control him - you didn't cause this, you can't cure it and you can't control it) then please, please take steps to protect yourself and your child. That might not mean leaving him, but you need to work out a way to keep yourself safe - perhaps just emotionally safe, but it may well end up with you needing to make a plan to keep yourself physically safe. I really don't want to add to your burdens, you are probably already coping with too much responsibility and not a small measure of guilt, but don't feel frightened to set boundaries for his behaviour. You can't - and shouldn't - control what he does. You can, and should, make it clear that there are consequences. Decide what you can cope with, and don't budge an inch from that.

And if that means he can't go out overnight to the work christmas party, well, that's a consequence of his past actions.

Excellent post.

You clearly have bigger problems than this one party. But I think you can take some comfort from the following.

1. I've organized works Xmas parties. I always try to arrange some sort of overnight accommodation precisely so that people can have a few drinks and not worry about driving home. This does not mean that everyone drinks to excess, but just so that they can have another without worrying if they're over the limit. At least he won't be caught drink driving.
2. Unless he works at a particularly nasty institution there won't be any prostitutes or many other opportunities for drunken sex. Though the fact that he did this once is obviously a HUGE problem for you to sort however you see fit.
3. If he really cares about what people think of him, he will behave sensibly at the party. Not to do so is decidedly career-limiting. If he makes such a choice it's his lookout.

My birthday is in the middle of January and my sister at the end of January. There were many times that our father was away watching a rugby international. It didn't damage us that he was not there for cake and squash.

OP, why the feck would you want to save/rebuild a relationship with someone who drink drives and sleeps with prostitutes??

Knowing most work do's, I'd view my child's birthday as the perfect reason not to go and be delighted to miss the work do.

This is not about a work's do or a birthday party.

It is about the op's husband being unable/unwilling to control his drinking.

Believe me there will always be some reason/excuse for him to have a drink.

If he insists on missing some of his dcs birthday to go out then he will have free reign every other week. There will always be an excuse to have a drink. a friend's birthday, wetting a baby's head, a bad day at work. the list is exhaustive and one that I personally don't think the op should engage with.

Hard though it is I have seen the damage caused when one partner is always having to be the sensible one, ie acting in a parental role. Seriously stop doing it op. If he cannot/will not grow the fuck up, then leave him to it. Get your head together and plan a life alone with you child.
Please confide in a rl friend or relative, they will not judge you.
I have recently left dh and after telling my friend a couple of the things I endured from stbxh, she did nothing but offer support.
The blame is clearly his and not yours.