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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say DH can't go to his Xmas work party?

239 replies

Unknownmember · 26/10/2013 16:42

So DH's work Xmas do is on a Saturday and includes an overnight stay in a hotel, as it's really a get as drunk as you want party. He really wants to go to this.

But it's the same day as DC1 3rd birthday. I said no as I think he should be at home celebrating. I was thinking we would go out for the morning and have a few of our closest friends over for cake later in the day.

He think it's ok to go and then come back Sunday afternoon and celebrate then.

I do have issues with him and his drinking, and also have said that he places too much importance on what other people think of him. And this is happening at a detriment to our marriage.

AIBU?

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 26/10/2013 22:36

I was trying to read between the lines. I am really sorry that he is doing this. I know many people have said a three year olds birthday., he won't remember but, its the weekend. He clearly could be there. I still think yanbu. I hope you can find the strength to ltb. I don't think there is any other option after what hes done. I'm so sorry.

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2013 22:37

< Holds head in hands >

That wasn't even a drip feed OP

You've blown up the dam

HaroldLloyd · 26/10/2013 22:38

Drip-nami!

Glad you've found a solution.

cjel · 26/10/2013 22:44

Grin Worral

bearleftmonkeyright · 26/10/2013 22:48

. You do realise op that there are thousands of women here that have lived your story. You can say from the outset what the real problem is. You can get great support here.

Catchhimatwhat · 26/10/2013 22:58

I wouldn't let him out to drink again ever if he had slept with a prostitute and driven drunk often enough to get caught.
Well, I say let, but I mean I wouldn't stay with him if he continued to drink.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 26/10/2013 23:02

Ok, that was a major dripfeed but it makes the posters accusing the op of being controlling, obsessive, abusive etc look like pricks. Fair play OP. Take my fist bump and be done with it. I knowI'm a cool wife.

WorraLiberty · 26/10/2013 23:06

Ok, that was a major dripfeed but it makes the posters accusing the op of being controlling, obsessive, abusive etc look like pricks.

Errrm...no it doesn't.

If any of those posters had posted that after the major tsunami then they'd look like pricks....

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 26/10/2013 23:13

Erm... yeah it does. :o I thought I heard the wind howling against my windowpane but thankfully it was just a collective intake of breath followed by some wincing.

Fecklessdizzy · 26/10/2013 23:16

So it's sod all to do with the original birthday thing and everything to do with him being a total git?

What was the question again? Frankly, if DP got shitfaced and went with a prostitute that would be it for me ...

bearleftmonkeyright · 26/10/2013 23:21

In the midst of this I have to admit to feeling quite het up. Mainly because it was obvious the op was not clear. But the situation is painful. I really hope the op comes back and someone who knows what they are talking about can advise.

onedevil · 26/10/2013 23:24

Goodness Op - poor you. What a shit life & shit situation. Hope you get things sorted. Good luck Thanks

Trills · 26/10/2013 23:24

Nobody looks like a prick when they are reacting sensibly but on bad information.

HaroldLloyd · 26/10/2013 23:31

I agree with trills. If all the info had been in the OP she would have got lots of LTB, which she's said she doesn't want.

I suppose OP was trying to gauge a "normal" reaction without the extenuating circumstances if they are trying to rebuild the relationship.

Good luck OP.

QuintsHollow · 26/10/2013 23:39

You got your answers based on wrong information in your OP.

I think you were scared of the answers you would get if you went into detail. You got the answers that would be easiest to deal with, namely that YOU were unreasonable, so you agreed that your dh could go.

You need to face up to his behaviour when drinking at some point!

Perhaps before your dd is older and he agrees to pick her and friends up in the car, drunk.

YourMaNoBraBackOfMyCar · 26/10/2013 23:40

Trills I agree. Those acting sensibly didn't accuse the Op of being abusive or blame her for her dh behaviour. Fwiw I wouldn't stop my dh going on a works do UNDER normal circumstances. Why he even thinks his wife would happily "let" him go given his previous behaviour and the problems they have worked through is mystifying. Of course she's going to have reservations. Poor OP. No matter how long it takes and how potentially shameful it may feel don't commit mumsnet crimes by dripfeeding. You see what happens huh?

YouTheCat · 26/10/2013 23:52

OP, I don't know what you are going to achieve by staying with him.

He isn't going to change his behaviour because he doesn't have to. He will keep on betraying your trust and it will get messy and more painful in the long run. I very rarely seriously say ltb but unless you want to just put up with this awful behaviour I don't see what option you have.

soontobemumofthree · 27/10/2013 00:11

Good luck OP, knowing the back story I'd have made him stay sober for the christmas party, show his face and drive home.
I think you were right to get reactions without anyone knowing that info tho, or I think you'd just get messages suggesting you leave him, and to be fair thats not what you came for.

WilsonFrickett · 27/10/2013 00:19

God I hate a drip feed.

IneedAsockamnesty · 27/10/2013 01:11

I wonder what your motive would be in posting something as inflammatory as that, sockreturningpixie?

Because on the info provided in the op it is controlling and isolating behaviour,both behaviours are considered to be domestic abuse.

However in light of the huge fountain feed it places rather a different slant on the matter,makes it understandable and in fact commendable to the op that she has been able to reach a compromise that does not isolate or control and is fair and could go a way towards him rebuilding trust.

Morloth · 27/10/2013 01:02

What is the point of being with someone you can't trust out of your sight?

Thatisall · 27/10/2013 01:06

This would upset me. Because for me my do birthday is far more important than a work event full stop and it would upset me if my dh didn't feel the same.

But you can't make him feel the same. I would suggest celebrating on the Saturday as planned and dh joins the work party later? Is that an option?

squoosh · 27/10/2013 01:14

I really hate the way people act as though a 'drip feed' is a personal affront. This isn't an episode of Eastenders, this is someone's day to day life, they aren't here for your personal entertainment.

Monty27 · 27/10/2013 01:14

Do you have seperation issues OP? In an ideal world dp would be around all weekend. But he has a work do. Dc will be in bed. Take muscle Grin

thistlelicker · 27/10/2013 01:18

Haven't ppl read the current update where op said she has
Spoken to him, they are celebrating the birthday in the morning and then he is going to the works do!!

I'm sure this isn't going
To be the last time this occurs if the
Child's birthday is so near Xmas period !