To be pissed off DP went to a strip club....

[NancyShrew]

When I made it perfectly clear I'd be annoyed about it.

DP doesn't seem to find it an issue and I'm fuming. He wanted to go to a strip club to "see what it's like", I said I wasn't happy and we'd discuss it at a later date.

He went anyway on a works night out last night, but apparently it's fine because it wasn't an enjoyable experience.

The OP chose a reeeeeeeaaaallly biased audience for this question! Surely you'd have only had to have been on MN for ooo 2 minutes to know strip clubs are BAD. No different from PROSTITUTION and that festered IS BEING HORRIBLY EXPLOITED.

I am at least honest. I don't want DP to go to a strip club. Because I am bloody well jealous. He would be getting off on looking at someone who is probably better looking than me, with a better body (certainly am 5 months pg) free from the constraints and grind of children, fun, tinkly and attentive rather than harassed and bloody tired.

I would want him to find ME attractive like that and would feel very insecure that he didn't, moreover, would make me feel unattractive and undesirable.

Fortuitously, he doesn't go!

I agree Fitz this is not the place for an unbiased debate on the subject, plus its a subject around which views tend to be very deeply entrenched.

Even so I've found it useful to discuss with those who have first hand experience

I have the same reasons as you for not wanting a partner to go to a strip club...dont like the thought of him looking at other women and I want him to only have eyes for me (or at least pretend the he does:o )

ecause if something is empowering, you don't have to tell yourself it is. You don't have to tell other people it is. They know. They can see it. You are only empowered to the degree that other people see that

Haaaaaaaaaaa. What a ridiculous statement! Dear god. 'If people can't see it it therefore doesn't exist'.

Empowerment isn't about what other people think. It's a personal thing. If YOU feel strong, in power an happy then you are empowered. Why do you want to take that away from them? Reverse feminism at its best.

And when do you ever hear a man saying that something makes him feel empowered? As someone said upthread, there's a difference between "being empowered" and "having power", and women have been sold a crock of shit if they believe any different.

Oh are we comparing ourselves to men now

"Oh are we comparing ourselves to men now"

Yeah FFS, know your place!

"I am at least honest."

Did you mean to be offensive to everyone who disagrees with you FitzgeraldProtagonist?

I'm honest too. I'm sorry you're so insecure that you can't stand the thought of your DH fancying another woman, but please don't project your insecurities on to everyone else. Lots of women object to the men they're with going to lapdancing clubs because they don't want to be with skanky men, not because they suffer insecurity.

Empowerment is rubbish. It's a sop to a poor situation.

From some of the replies here, it seems as if people think I'm suggesting that strippers have their arms twisted into doing the work. I don't believe so. Normally clubs have a nice mother hen or some neutered bloke who makes the girls feel good and they do the management. You never have some psycho running the place. Nobody would go to work! You need someone to normalise it all, have sympathy when creeps go to far, and be a good shoulder to cry on when needed.

The owners on the other hand are often criminals who have long backgrounds in prostitution rackets, pimping, and near beer clubs. These people are very charming but also quite ruthless and enjoy a good laugh about empowerment. They often regard women in terms of what they will do...not much else.

But I am relaxed about strip clubs inasmuch as they don't pretend to be anything but what they are. When they rename themselves as "empowerment colleges" I will be the first to revise my opinion.

LOL pinkhalf that's next.

Katie Price will set the first one up and it will have pink turrets with an empowerfulizing pole going all the way up to the roof.

BasilBaby, nowhere in her post did Fitzgerald say that ALL women feel like she does, she didn't "project her insecurities" onto everyone else on this thread. She had an opinion, which she expressed. Just as everyone else on this thread expresses theirs, including you.

PinkHalf, do you know this about strip club owners?

I am not saying that I have worked every club in the UK, but I have worked countless clubs and have never met an owner that was like that.

I'm on good terms with the owner of the my longest-standing club, have been out for dinner with him and his wife, and his wife does my hair!

The last club I worked in I didn't know him as well as that one but we got on well.
Another one I worked at last year I still ring for a chat even though the club has closed down-she was great,also owned a hotel near the club and used to let me sleep there for free if I was tired and she didn't want me driving home, or sometimes (like xmas etc) she'd buy us all champagne and let us sleep over so we didn't have to drive home.

Mulberry hag she said "I am at least honest"

That formulation carries with it, the implication that someone else isn't.

Well that is just my experience, admittedly working in London, albeit a decade ago. There has been a lot of rebranding as property developers now. The dinners were good in those days, and so was the hospitality, but thats nothing to do with the backgrounds of the people involved.

I have worked in London too, a couple of years ago was the last time. I am a bit wary of large cities even though I was comfortable in the club itself, I made that known and the owners were very kind and accommodating, walked me to my car or made sure I got safely into a taxi, were generally lovely toward me. I guess we've just had different experiences.

Firstly OP I loved the note and handbag. I cannot believe he went to a strip club after you had asked him not to. You know, for all those who say you should not be bothered and they don't mind their partners going well that's fine for them. You are not happy with it as part of your ethical and moral beliefs and he should have respected that. To then pay for a lap dance is a slap in the face I can't believe that. It is so disrespectful. I would leave my husband if he did something like go to a strip club it does not sit with my personal values of what I want inn
a man. No problem if others do it but it's not for me! Urgh to come home to me and expect to get serviced after getting his rocks off elsewhere is beyond the pale and makes me feel dirty and undervalued. Fortunately I am not in that position but I know what my reaction would be! I am sorry that happened to you. Please give us an update on the bag!

The thread derailment was interesting and a good read for my insomniac pregnant self :) I see a lot about how women chose to do it which is not necessarily the case. Let us not forget that sex trafficking is a thriving business and if you go to strip clubs in Prague etc which are filled to the brim with British stag dos you will see an awful lot of sad beautiful eastern European and Russian girls being exploited against their will for the sake of organised crime. When I lived in Brighton a house two streets down was raided to rescue women who had been bought to the UK on the promise of a better life but were sold into sex slavery, having to perform at local strip clubs and do sex acts afterward.

I now live in Rotterdam where prostitution is of course legal. You don't see that many Dutch girls working the clubs or the Red light district though. It's easy to forget that strip clubs are not always the lighthearted fun nights out with the lads, but can lead to a much more murkier underworld that people inadvertently finance.

Of course some girls choose to strip out of their own free choice - my best friends sister stripped at Bournemouth spearmint rhino for years. But surely this is not exactly the first choice of career? And if it is then I think there are deeper issues to be looked at rather than just earning money.

For all those reasons above I am deeply uncomfortable with stripping and the wider sex industry and would not be at all happy with my partner for indulging. Deal breaker.

YABU. So what if he went to a strip club? And it's funny that when men go it's 'sleazy' and when women go it's 'great fun'. festered - good on you, if that is what you choose to do, why not?

Yeah, it's really cool, isn't it Servalan.

In fact, I'm so cool, I wish my DH was in a strip club all the time! Women who object to their DPs paying for other women to gyrate naked before them and pretend that they are sexually intoxicated by the power of their wallet are just uptight losers!

I don't find male strippers remotely amusing or entertaining ,I find it grim and embarrassing.

I wonder if they get Offered money for 'extras' the same way women do?

male strippers aren't sexy in the slightest, I've never been to one but I've seen photos and videos from friends.

If a 'friend' hired one for my hennight/birthday I would walk out.

Actually I didn't say it was cool - just if people choose to go then that is up to them. I don't give a toss either way. I wouldn't expect a partner to tell me not to go somewhere, nor would I tell them.

Livingzuid, excellent post. Puts it much better than I did with my references to "happy hookers

Lazysuzanne, why do you find male strippers grim and embarrassing but female strippers are fine?

I actually agree male strippers are grim and embarrassing(amongst other things) but would say the same for women too.

Of course it's up to people if they go to strip clubs or not, PresidentServalan.

But other people don't have to respect them for it or carry on living with them if they do.

See? Everyone's got a choicy-choice.

I have no personal problem in principle if someone wants to provide a service for money. I don't think it's a sexual act when a dancer does the dancing, but an erotic act. That would separate the intentions of the dancer, not the watcher.

However, I would go spare if my partner was to go to a strip club. For many of the reasons Sugar has mentioned, namely some pretty dodgy people there. Besides, he decided to be with me not someone else and why if he is with me, would he want to be having feelings of an erotic nature about another woman. To me, that would mean I am not satisfying enough and that would be a big problem in our relationship.

I'd also have no respect for him if he got pressured into doing it. If he does get pressured to go in say on his stag do and he doesn't say no and implicitly doesn't go, I wont be going ahead with the wedding. At least, not then. He's a fully grown man and can say no quite easily enough. I really can't see him doing this, but just using it as an example.

I don't actually feel offended by what Sugar has said perse. Many woman use words like 'whore/tart/slut' to describe someone who tried it on with their friends partner, say. So is it not misgynistic(sp) to use it in that context too then, because it's a word that men normally use?

I do think it's best to just ignore those who antagonise though and not bite to it.

I think if you choose to do that line of work you are leaving yourself open to be judged, rightly or wrongly.

I don't see it as empowering for anyone except the owners of these establishments.

The dancers think their empowered but have to give some money to the owners/bosses and ultimately do get told what to do.

The punters think their empowered/in control because they are paying for services but if there was no money there they would mean nothing, which makes them pretty useless plus their money (quite a lot, usually) gets taken by the girls and the owners.

So only really the owners win in any account.

But back to the original post - if you told him explicitly that you would not stand for it, then you have good reason to be incredibly pissed and I personally don't know if I could move on from it. It's hard to know unless it's happened to you. But am I the only one who thinks that getting a bag for yourself on his money is a tit for tat and actually is just as bad, if not worse, because it's actually stealing? Not to say he wasn't a complete bastard but it's like someone cheating and then you cheating back, nobody wins and everyone ends up being a twat.

I hope you're OK OP.