To be disappointed, hurt and a bit embarrassed with my DD(19)

[WhatHappenedToMyGirl]

I am fully prepared to be told IABVU for this, but here goes.

DD is 19, she has always been bright & ambitious, always in the top set and achieved great GCSE's - almost all straight A*/As , sporty and a bubbly, life of the party type of girl but since the middle of her lower sixth form year she seems to have dropped out from life entirely.
For the past 2.5 years she has been very withdrawn, depressed, very anxious about leaving the house, panicking if DH and I would be leaving her alone for the night, has lost touch with all her friends, put on 2 stone and is now somewhat of a recluse.
DH and I were bewildered at first, did something happen to her? did someone hurt her? did she see something traumatizing? etc. We asked (more like pleaded and begged) her to tell us what was wrong and how we could help her and she would just sit there and cry silently and not answer us. It was honestly the most heart-wrenching thing I've ever seen, we felt so powerless.
She refused to go to school and would have panic attacks if we tried to force her into going, seeing as she was 17 at the time, eventually we dropped the issue altogether, thinking that she would snap out her funk in her own time but we still tried in vain to get her to attend cbt sessions. She spent most of her time crying, sleeping, reading or just sitting.

She confided in me in June that she had been raped walking home from the library, around the same time as she had become depressed. I think she confirmed something that was in the back of my mind all along. I told DH as I couldn't keep something like this from him, and he broke down in tears. We asked if she wanted to report it and find her rapist and press charges against him, but she completely refused. We tried to support her as much as we could.
Since DD told us what happened, it is like a weight has been lifted off her, she has begun to slowly heal. she has begun attending rape counselling and a support group, losing weight and exercising, reaching out to some of her old friends and beginning to join us on our family walks.

This is all excellent and I am relieved beyond words and I have cried with happiness that she is getting better. My AIBU is about this next situation, Last week DD told DH and I that she had been looking for a job, we asked what kind of job as she only has GCSE's and no work experience. She told us she applied for Tesco's, Asda, Aldi etc. and Boots, Superdrug, some other clothing retailers, a cleaning job, admin assistant job etc.

If I am honest with you, and I will be as this is anonymous I am feeling embarrassed with DD for not choosing to go back to college now she is better, and do an access course or her A levels and go to university like her peers. She is choosing low paid small jobs when she used to have so many plans for her life. So many dreams for her future.
Her two cousins have just finished their first years of medical school and an economics degree. Her friends are either doing charity work abroad or are in university, working towards a secure future.
I feel a tiny bit ashamed when people ask me about her now, before when she was depressed, she was ill and I would tell people who asked after her that she was ill and that I didn't want to talk about it. Now...what can I say? My beautiful brilliant DD is a shelf stacker at Asda?? I know I am wrong to say this, but I wanted DD to be more than a cashier or receptionist, I wanted her to be one of life's achievers.

How can I steer back into academia? (or should I even do that?)
Please help me MN,

A worried mother

choccychoccylover

Have you read the thread all the way through? The OP has already admitted that she's in the wrong and has taken on board what people have said to her. Other people have had nasty comments deleted.

What good is speaking to her like that going to do?

And Sister77 - Witsalmader has had previous comments deleted for their aggressive tone - I wouldn't take anything they've said personally.

I feel so angry about this situation and not at you OP. The only person that should feel ashamed and embarrassed is the parent who spawned the piece of shit that did this to your DD and got away with it. It's fucking horrible that he did this and I am so sorry for your lovely girl that this happened to her.
I don't have anything useful to add that hasn't been said, except that I hope you all get through this. Best of luck to you all.

Oh God moxiegirl. That's so awful. Sending you love and best wishes too. You are doing the right things.

Also

Agree with wonderland a hundred percent!

All you want is a happy daughter, no? Regardless of where she blooming works!

Thank you halfwildlingwoman x

Sorry have only read your first post but think yabu. I didn't go to uni, but have a good job with a better than average wage. I have cleamed hotel rooms toilets waitressed, bar 'maid' sandwich shop etc etc. But am bright and intelligent and managed to secure a job where i worked my way up. I have colleagues on the same pay grade with £20,000 student debts.

She is trying to continue her recovery. Be proud, not ashamed.

Don't "force" her into academia or make her feel that is what she ought to do, no good will come of it.

She has her whole life ahead of her to live - and if she is happy and healthy, that is the important thing. In the great scheme of things university degrees do not matter, especially not now they cost around £50K to get.

My mother forced me to go to university to make up for the chance she did not get to go, I did not enjoy it but love the job I do know which I could done from school.

I hope your daughter continues to recover.

OP you'll probably find that your DD goes through peaks & troughs in relation to attainment , motivation and career. I'm 34 and academically achieved (post grad) but my career is only just getting there due to periods of severe depressive episodes. I was sexually abused over 10 years. Being violated affects so many layers of the psyche it's a lifelong battle and sometimes the internal battle takes over and external life has to go on the back burner. You'll all be fine because you obviously love & care deeply as a family.

Have just sent you a private message OP

and hugs to you and your DD.

Of course you are mourning the future that you expected for your DD. Of course you are disappointed she will be stacking shelves (however useful that may be) rather than studying at university, not through her own choice but because her choices were stolen from her.

Remember your DD is only just beginning the healing process. Don't expect too much too soon, nor yet rush to write off her future. Just give her time and your support.

Not reporting a rape is a perfectly valid choice btw: Your DD may feel some guilt (stupidly, all victims seem to even though it is only ever 100% the rapist who is blameworthy) and the situation may be more complicated than you know. Whatever transpires, just be there for her. She has also to deal with her own loss of expectations of life which she will feel even more keenly than you do.

In a few years time, your DD will be back on track as she sounds determined and bright, and is making a good start and renormalising her life. That alone makes her impressive. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

I've been thinking more about you, OP, during my afternoon. I'm very sorry about what's happened for your DD. I'm glad she has shown some improvement in her health and confidence and I hope that continues. I might have been a bit matter-of-fact in my previous post, so I wanted to add this bit.

Encourage her to work part time? Offer to pay for any college course she chooses. Small baby steps to recovery now and integrating back into society. Even if she wants to do something creative like sewing course at college, go with it. It's a toe in the water after a very rocky year

If she's slowly getting better then just support her choices, she can always return to education, all that matters is that she is moving forwards towards being happy

OP I got raped when I was 18 and went to university, got a degree and good job afterwards, had a very good career. Took me twenty years to face up to it though and had very dysfunctional relationships and three nervous breakdowns in the intervening years.

The posters who are urging you to let your DD follow the course that's right for her are right. Let her recover in her own time. There are more important things than academic success and brilliant careers, though you do have to acknowledge and recognise that you grieve for the loss of the things she might have had. (And don't forget, she can still have them, just not in the linear way privileged middle class people do.) You've already admitted that YABU to have this terrible snobbery about the jobs, I have to admit that I cried for her when I read that. I know you're not going to let her or your DH ever see that, but please, try and let that go because she will sense it and it will stop you being the support to her that you so want to be.

Also, can I advise you to call Rape Crisis? 0808 802 9999. It's not just for people who have been raped, it is for their friends and family and anyone who wants to support them. I think it would do you a tremendous amount of good to talk about the lost hopes and dreams with someone who is not going to judge you but who also knows what your real priorities are and will help you let go of the other stuff and focus on supporting your DD. Please call them, they'll help you. Good luck.

whatHappenedToMYGirl. I haven't read the other posts just responding to your op. I am so sorry to hear what your DD has gone through and I am sorry for your distress because of this. But I think YABVU to be ashamed of your daughter because she is trying to restart her life.

Just because she doesn't have a degree does not mean she won't be successful in life. I am shocked and saddened that you are embarrassed and slightly annoyed with you. Have you considered that a degree doesn't mean the person will achieve any more than someone without a degree?

I grew up in a DV home evil dick of a father, had to care for my mother and left school without a single GCSE. My first job was working in a backstreet cafe serving breakfast sandwiches to truck drivers and washing pots/pans and cleaning before close. I have worked in retail and a call centre but I never aloud myself to believe people with an academic background were any better than me. I never gave up on my potential the way you seem to have given up on your DD if she doesn't get a degree. I am now 37 years old and I am a senior executive, in the HR tax income group and I still have a lot of ambition.

Just because your DD chooses a different path to her fiends/cousins and your wishes doesn't mean she will not succeed in life. Support your DD and let her know she can be and can do anything she wants. A degree doesn't guarantee success. I know, I bypassed a lot of people that spent a long time studying. (Disclaimer, I am not bashing those that have achieved academically. Just making point that those that don't have one can also succeed)

those posters criticising the op!! have you no empathy or sense? can you not see that the op is mourning the loss of her dds health and strength albeit temporarily?

can't you actually see that when something terrible and sad happens to you child you are angry/upset/frustrated and most of all very very scared at your impotance to help?

can't you really see that?

the op has said she is sharing her deepest feelings here with us and NOT with her dd or her DH.

op you are doing the right thing. baby steps for dd and she has years to build up a good career and years ahead to heal.

second contacting rape crisis. you need support now, your dd may access it later.

Theboady I wasn't critiquing the Op. In fact I have every sympathy for her and her family because of the trauma they have suffered. However the Op does need to realise that she is giving up on her DDs future in a sense regardless of whether she tells her DD or not. Certainly, I would like her to see that even those of us that have suffered trauma can become successful in our chosen careers regardless of academic success. It's that aspect if her post that I am critical of.. Not the trauma her family have endured.

I don't see the op as giving up on her dd.

just a huge huge well of sadness that she's sharing with us as she can't with those closest to her. they hurt too much as well.

LittlePea I totally get your points though.

good luck op to you all xx

Sympathy but also congratulations to all of you for getting through this.

Your daughter IS one of life's achievers, she hasn't let a horrific experience destroy her, and she's humble and dedicated enough that she's willing to take work that is not well-paid, high status or fun in order to get stuck into the next stage.

It sounds like you have raised a very impressive young woman, who is doing her absolute best. She is still so young, there is plenty of time for her to decide to go back to college or university or to progress internally - or take a totally different path if she chooses. If the job turns out to be far beneath her it might help her confidence to take a step up - or it could be that she is still recovering and the repetitiveness of a till is what she can handle for now.

I hope that she has luck in her job search, and that she will be able to see the pride in her mother's eyes when she comes home to announce that she's starting her new adult life with a new job

your poor girl I really don't have the words now she is getting her support and learning to move on and heal,

she is applying for jobs and wanting to move back to the world think how brave she is being and how hard it is for her to even get up the courage to apply and she might actually get a job get some self esteem back earn her own money maybe make a few friends her own age and have a new life,
there is nothing wrong with working in a supermarket, or a shop nothing at all let her apply get a job be proud and she may think about college later on,

now here goes in the nicest possible way this is not about you and your disappointment if folk ask how she is doing you say she is doing great she applying for jobs atm and thinking about her future, you smile at the askers and you say oh she is taking her time to decide what she wants to do and wanted to make sure what she wanted to do as a career, you shouldn't judge your dd against other teenagers and their wonderful volunteering and gap years, I know you wanted all that for her but she went through the worst thing a woman can go through and her life changed in that time , what other peoples kids are doing is nothing in comparison to what your dd is doing and applying for her jobs, TC and try and get over this we are all entitled to our feelings but as I said it isn't about you

I am no way near going to judge you, but don't be disappointed , at 19 she still has time and its good she is dealing with it now rather than bottling it up.
if she is working it might give her insight in to what she does want and help boost her confidence to go on to further things.

noname it's not too late. Your post broke my heart. Don't give up-you and your life are valuable. Just look at the support you've provided for the OP on this thread-an anonymous person on the internet and you've done a wonderful thing in talking to her and helping her through a horrendous time. You sound like a beautiful person.

OP I think your daughter is lucky to have you as her mother. You're totally right to share your worries here and not with her. For what it's worth, she will heal and move on with her life but you can't put a time limit on it. I am sure from your posts that you will help her through it for as long as it takes. Am thinking of you all.