To be disappointed, hurt and a bit embarrassed with my DD(19)

[WhatHappenedToMyGirl]

I am fully prepared to be told IABVU for this, but here goes.

DD is 19, she has always been bright & ambitious, always in the top set and achieved great GCSE's - almost all straight A*/As , sporty and a bubbly, life of the party type of girl but since the middle of her lower sixth form year she seems to have dropped out from life entirely.
For the past 2.5 years she has been very withdrawn, depressed, very anxious about leaving the house, panicking if DH and I would be leaving her alone for the night, has lost touch with all her friends, put on 2 stone and is now somewhat of a recluse.
DH and I were bewildered at first, did something happen to her? did someone hurt her? did she see something traumatizing? etc. We asked (more like pleaded and begged) her to tell us what was wrong and how we could help her and she would just sit there and cry silently and not answer us. It was honestly the most heart-wrenching thing I've ever seen, we felt so powerless.
She refused to go to school and would have panic attacks if we tried to force her into going, seeing as she was 17 at the time, eventually we dropped the issue altogether, thinking that she would snap out her funk in her own time but we still tried in vain to get her to attend cbt sessions. She spent most of her time crying, sleeping, reading or just sitting.

She confided in me in June that she had been raped walking home from the library, around the same time as she had become depressed. I think she confirmed something that was in the back of my mind all along. I told DH as I couldn't keep something like this from him, and he broke down in tears. We asked if she wanted to report it and find her rapist and press charges against him, but she completely refused. We tried to support her as much as we could.
Since DD told us what happened, it is like a weight has been lifted off her, she has begun to slowly heal. she has begun attending rape counselling and a support group, losing weight and exercising, reaching out to some of her old friends and beginning to join us on our family walks.

This is all excellent and I am relieved beyond words and I have cried with happiness that she is getting better. My AIBU is about this next situation, Last week DD told DH and I that she had been looking for a job, we asked what kind of job as she only has GCSE's and no work experience. She told us she applied for Tesco's, Asda, Aldi etc. and Boots, Superdrug, some other clothing retailers, a cleaning job, admin assistant job etc.

If I am honest with you, and I will be as this is anonymous I am feeling embarrassed with DD for not choosing to go back to college now she is better, and do an access course or her A levels and go to university like her peers. She is choosing low paid small jobs when she used to have so many plans for her life. So many dreams for her future.
Her two cousins have just finished their first years of medical school and an economics degree. Her friends are either doing charity work abroad or are in university, working towards a secure future.
I feel a tiny bit ashamed when people ask me about her now, before when she was depressed, she was ill and I would tell people who asked after her that she was ill and that I didn't want to talk about it. Now...what can I say? My beautiful brilliant DD is a shelf stacker at Asda?? I know I am wrong to say this, but I wanted DD to be more than a cashier or receptionist, I wanted her to be one of life's achievers.

How can I steer back into academia? (or should I even do that?)
Please help me MN,

A worried mother

OP this is the beginning for your dd not the end.Regard it as a sort of gap year where she is getting together the courage to rejoin the world and start to earn ,not only some money but her self respect.
You probably know she needs to know you respect her too.You respect her courage and will go on loving and supporting her whatever happens.
She may or may not decide to go to universit after a break 2014 0r 2015 perhaps or she may just relax and enjoy little things for now.
Whatever you do don't show her you are embarrassed-she is still who she always was.Encourage her to keep in touch with her friends and when she is ready make sure she knows you will help her reah out for what she wants from her future.
Her rapist has stolen her innocence but you can make damn sure he doesn't destroy her hopes.

I was in tears reading your opening post, OP. Your poor daughter - what a terrible time she's had. And you and your husband too - it must have been incredibly hard to watch her suffering and not know what was the matter, and then to find out. God, it's really awful.

I wonder whether she knows the attacker. I would have thought if she didn't know him, she would say she didn't want to go to the police because there was no chance of him getting caught - I could understand that so long afterwards there wouldn't be any chance of catching him, assuming there was no CCTV which would still be available.

I know this sounds really hard, but I think you should let her know that if and when she wants to, she can talk to you about exactly what happened that day. It might be a hurdle she has to get over. She's kept this terrible secret for so long - it's really awful to think of how she suffered afterwards - and I think she needs to know that if she wants to talk about it with you, she can. You don't have to tell your husband anything except that she's told you. I can understand he might not be able to control himself if he knew what happened, but you are her mum and I think it's important she doesn't think she has to protect you from what happened.

As far as academia's concerned, I think in your head you could just treat the next year or two as recovery time. Concentrate on keeping her well. I'm sure she'll go back to her old interests later. It's really important she feels in control of what happens to her now. She must have felt out of control that day, for obvious reasons, and then afterwards she was obviously trying hard to cope. She needs to feel she can do what she wants now, that nobody can tell her what to do - and that includes you. I wouldn't mention university or studying or anything like that. Buy her books and watch films with her and talk to her about things that are going on in the news and in your family life. In her own time she'll come back to life and will be the girl she was before.

noname - I have felt as you describe. I am now well. Are you having treatment? PM me if you need a friend who knows how it feels.

Thank you to the people who have been kind to me, I don't deserve it, but it is nice of you. It is way too late for me but not the OP's daughter who has been so brave.

OP, if your daughter wants to tell you what happened in detail, please let her. Don't push her but don't discourage her either. I have never said what happened to me aloud. Medical professionals 'know' in that we've danced around it, but because I didn't acknowledge it I've never been able to say the words.

I just wanted to pop in and say, meaning no disrespect to the OP, that these kind of threads tend to encourage sharing of similar stories. Whilst supporting the OP, please don't go into any detail as this is open to the whole internet and you never know who is reading.

Noname would it help to write it down? We will listen.

Porto - what do you mean?

Op I went through a period of time when I was 18 of being very anxious all the time, I became almost agoraphobic and it was an awful time.

My parents were very set on me doing A levels and going to uni like all their friends children were but it was just too hard for me to do that at that time.

I dropped out of college, got a part time job at a local dept store and began to get better. It took about a year for me to start socialising again, going out and being a more normal teenager, another year on I applied and did Camp America. Had a wonderful time and haven't looked back since, have since gone onto uni and am now a qualified nurse.

I felt like this and hadn't gone through the trauma that your dd has, please just be happy that she feels able to work at all in any capacity. Please support her and don't judge her. She needs to get head together and the more boring the job the quicker this will happen!!

to NoName and to everyone else on this thread who is recovering from rape or other trauma, and those who are recovering from illness.

Several have said from direct experience that recovery IS possible. I hope you don't mind me saying, noname, that I have hope and faith that it isn't too late for you either. You are as deserving of love and happiness as everyone else.

And OP, recovery for your daughter is definitely on the agenda because she has been able to talk with you and find your support. She isn't alone. Keep on keeping on.

I agree you are grieving for the future that brutal fuckwit stole from her.

She is lucky to have your support as she takes her first tentative steps back into the world.

Having loving, supportive parents who believe in her will make all the difference.

(I had a high-achieving friend whose parents swept her rape under the carpet because the young thugs came from an established local family. She got into a top uni - where she had a breakdown, then committed suicide.)

Your daughter is lucky to have parents she can trust, who support her. It won't be easy, but a dream deferred is not a dream forever denied. With your support, I bet she'll go on to have a wonderful life.

You have an amazing daughter support her and love her she may not feel able to study knowing she has to use the library again

Give her time but if I were you I would be thankful she is coming out of this and healing

Yabu the embarrassment and shame belongs to the evil pig that forced himself on your daughter

It is not too late for you noname . My heart hurts for you and I don't even know you! I know you can feel better- have you had any meds?

i hope you don't mind me saying, noname, that I have hope and faith that it isn't too late for you either. You are as deserving of love and happiness as everyone else.

And this from ^

She's recovering. She's facing her demons. She has the confidence now to start picking up the pieces. This is the beginning of her journey and of her future. Please be proud of her for stepping off the platform and make sure she has a first class ticket for the rest of her life not a second class, second best rest of her life or a third class I failed my mum rest of her life.

She is doing fantastically well. Don't blame her for seeming to lack ambition blame the criminal who put her in this place and carry on supporting her, loving her and being proud.

And sorry I haven't read the rest of the thread.

My daughter was raped last year, after a year off school with depression - at 12 she was on the gifted and talented register -now at 16 she has gained tonnes of weight due to medication and she is currently sectioned in hospital.
I tell her every day how proud I am of her. I am sad that her life is like this now, but I just want her to be happy eventually, hopefully working with animals.
Your expectations and hopes change sometimes due to crap dealt by life and you can't help feelings that you have, but keep telling her how proud you are of her and how much you love her. She will need to hear it.
Take care x

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Are there any rape crisis charities for families, as it does sound like you are quite, understandably, upset this situation. Maybe this behaviour is quite common, though you should be proud of your daughter by coming so, so, far and confiding in you.

I also wondered if you might see the Tesco type job as a good thing? Tesco in particular pay their store managers £40K plus and it may be a good 'reboosting her confidence' type of job.

If and when she rediscovered her ambitions and dreams she had before she will have a whole host of experience that many people who are 18+ with a handful of as/a levels won't have.

Good luck

@firstimenamechange I am so sorry for your loss of your friend. That is awful. And maybe an indication that parents need a bit more help/direction?

She was raped. Oh my goodness.

Nothing else would matter to me other than her wellbeing.

Hugs, what a dreadful, horrible thing for all of you. I must say that as I started reading your post and the list of "symptoms" and changes, coupled with the fact that she would just cry when you tried to talk to her, immediately made me think the worst ie rape.

I'm so sorry for you all. I can understand how you feel about your hopes for the future but I agree with other posters, let her take a sideways step just now.

She needs to find her feet and regain her confidence in a safe setting where she knows more or less what will happen each day, she don't have the stress or pressure of essays and lectures plus a totally different world to deal with.

She might as well earn done money while she does that. Think of it this way, earning her own money might help to make her feel independent and give her back some self esteem. Maybe she needs to feel useful and busy?

If people ask, just say she's getting better and is just finding her feet again before she makes any final decision. True friends won't question that.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok. ( don't mean to sound like a pious Holy Joe but I will pray for your daughter and your family, what a horrible experience for you x)

fucking hell - my DD works in an amusement arcade, she has a handful of low grade GCSEs, despite being extremely bright. You know what - Im so fucking proud of my feisty, funny, beautiful DD. I was a bit disappointed FOR HER when she dropped out of college as i think it closed doors but she is happy, Sadly she wouldn't be good enough for the OP.

I grew up wiht a mother who made me feel not good enough, my self esteem is non-existent.

Has your DD had counselling to help her deal with this terrible thing to happen to her?

A few typos, sorry. Didn't proof read on phone!

I have read this before. IIRC you got completely flamed for worrying more about her job prospects than the fact she had been attacked.

I can understand your response and your feelings towards the lowering of your DDs expectations. The rape has meant her life isn't going to follow the previously ordained path BUT as others have said it is an enormously positive step for her to be getting out there and doing this off her own bat. Not only signs of recovery but also her old self by the way you have described her. The important thing to remember is that this job doesn't have to be forever. She will be learning valuable skills and having important experiences - she will be able to work out what she wants out of life whilst she does this and obviously continues to recover, all being well. Perhaps you could (for your own thoughts only) view it as a gap year type experience. I bet that if you're daughter is half the young woman you describe she'll decide to return to study in the future, in her own time, of her own free will.

And as much as the 'dinner party top trumps - kids edition' won't result in quite so many wins, deep down you know that doesn't matter, hence your embarrassment.

Please continue to support and praise - she's found her own way this far with that approach, don't try to force her to do something she doesn't want to now.

Don't be such a bloody snob,there's nothing wrong with working in a supermarket or Boot's. At least your poor daughter is coming out of her depression and is beginning to heal.You should be down on your knees with thankfulness that she is getting better and never mind what the neighbours say. People like you make me sick the way you look down on others who have low paid mundane jobs,at least they are earning their keep

Witsalmader I wasn't being rude or offensive what I was trying to say (badly) is that the feelings of the op are valid. Rape causes such a ripple effect that she is entitled to feel however she wants.
Op hang in there. She's told you and that's a massive step. All the best to you all.