To be disappointed, hurt and a bit embarrassed with my DD(19)

[WhatHappenedToMyGirl]

I am fully prepared to be told IABVU for this, but here goes.

DD is 19, she has always been bright & ambitious, always in the top set and achieved great GCSE's - almost all straight A*/As , sporty and a bubbly, life of the party type of girl but since the middle of her lower sixth form year she seems to have dropped out from life entirely.
For the past 2.5 years she has been very withdrawn, depressed, very anxious about leaving the house, panicking if DH and I would be leaving her alone for the night, has lost touch with all her friends, put on 2 stone and is now somewhat of a recluse.
DH and I were bewildered at first, did something happen to her? did someone hurt her? did she see something traumatizing? etc. We asked (more like pleaded and begged) her to tell us what was wrong and how we could help her and she would just sit there and cry silently and not answer us. It was honestly the most heart-wrenching thing I've ever seen, we felt so powerless.
She refused to go to school and would have panic attacks if we tried to force her into going, seeing as she was 17 at the time, eventually we dropped the issue altogether, thinking that she would snap out her funk in her own time but we still tried in vain to get her to attend cbt sessions. She spent most of her time crying, sleeping, reading or just sitting.

She confided in me in June that she had been raped walking home from the library, around the same time as she had become depressed. I think she confirmed something that was in the back of my mind all along. I told DH as I couldn't keep something like this from him, and he broke down in tears. We asked if she wanted to report it and find her rapist and press charges against him, but she completely refused. We tried to support her as much as we could.
Since DD told us what happened, it is like a weight has been lifted off her, she has begun to slowly heal. she has begun attending rape counselling and a support group, losing weight and exercising, reaching out to some of her old friends and beginning to join us on our family walks.

This is all excellent and I am relieved beyond words and I have cried with happiness that she is getting better. My AIBU is about this next situation, Last week DD told DH and I that she had been looking for a job, we asked what kind of job as she only has GCSE's and no work experience. She told us she applied for Tesco's, Asda, Aldi etc. and Boots, Superdrug, some other clothing retailers, a cleaning job, admin assistant job etc.

If I am honest with you, and I will be as this is anonymous I am feeling embarrassed with DD for not choosing to go back to college now she is better, and do an access course or her A levels and go to university like her peers. She is choosing low paid small jobs when she used to have so many plans for her life. So many dreams for her future.
Her two cousins have just finished their first years of medical school and an economics degree. Her friends are either doing charity work abroad or are in university, working towards a secure future.
I feel a tiny bit ashamed when people ask me about her now, before when she was depressed, she was ill and I would tell people who asked after her that she was ill and that I didn't want to talk about it. Now...what can I say? My beautiful brilliant DD is a shelf stacker at Asda?? I know I am wrong to say this, but I wanted DD to be more than a cashier or receptionist, I wanted her to be one of life's achievers.

How can I steer back into academia? (or should I even do that?)
Please help me MN,

A worried mother

She needs to heal in her own time and it needs to be in whatever way is best for her. Support her in what ever way she needs. She's making great progress already.

I think your daughter is doing amazingly well to even get out of bed in the morning after what she has been through. She sounds like she is still recovering from it though. If she was totally withdrawn then she has alot of building back up to do and getting a job is one of the ways she obviously needs to do this. You should be proud of her.

I'm 24. Most of my peers who went to uni now live at home with mum and dad jobless as there are no jobs for them. Those who went to work for min wage at big companies at 16/17/18 are now managers at those companies. Those who took min wage in local shops are still in the tills.

Encourage her, she's doing brilliantly and there are options for those who go into asda and the likes!

And as a survivor of an abusive relationship at that age I can only say well done to her, if I'd gotten to the point she had I don't think I would have been brave enough to take the first step forward in life. It's s something that she will struggle with for a long time but she's on the right track!

Small steps OP, small steps. A job behind a till in Tescos today might lead to being chief buyer one day...

These days it's a lot easier to do a degree at any age, and your DD may well decide to get back into education once she's got her confidence back, and will probably get a better degree by virtue of being older, and less tempted by the uni night life too.

Give her time, it's still early days yet, bless her.

I can completely understand that you feel disappointed that she has had a promising future blighted by an assault that wasn't her fault, and I can even understand you feel conflicted because from the outside it looks as though she has just given up on her ambitions when actually she has a perfectly good reason for not feeling up to much in the wake of what has happened. However, I think perhaps your use of the word 'embarrassed' is deflecting the fact that you wish you could just make it all better for her, rewind time and protect her so that she follows the path you think she was meant to.

I just hope that you can put all this to one side and be proud of her for getting over such a traumatic thing at such a young age, that she has pulled herself up by the bootstraps and been proactive about taking control of her life and that she is gradually fighting against the urge to let her rapist win and ruin her life for good. She may go on to do some of the things she dreamed of, but for now even applying for jobs is an immense achievement so she is obviously a strong and brave person and a credit to you and your husband. That is something to be proud of, even if it's not something you can chat about with your friends or family.

She needs to reintegrate slowly rather than leaping back into full time education as that will pile on the pressure (school work and the social side). Let her gently ease herself back into the world. It'll be daunting for her svd she needs to make it as easy as possible for herself. This will help her to gain confidence. She must've lost her trust in people and she needs to rebuild it slowly.
You should be extremely proud of her. Recovery is very challenging and it would've been very easy for her to give up, isolate and deteriorate further.
Continue to support her and she will find the path most suited to her. She's a bright girl so she will most likely rediscover her enthusiasm and drive as her confidence expands.
It sounds like you've handled this very difficult situation very well, but it's not over yet. Keep going. Good luck.

Haven't read the whole thread but wanted to say this.

I went to college and university, I have a 2:1 degree.

I work in retail, completely irrelevant to my degree!

There is nothing wrong with working in any kind of retail, and a job may be exactly what your dd needs to give her that extra boost. And even if she did decide to go to university eventually, it still doesn't mean she would end up working elsewhere than retail.

OP, in the nicest possible way, your DD is not an extension of you, she is her own person, so whatever job she chooses to do for whatever reason is nothing for you to be ashamed of. Taking that aside, she's very strong and you should be very proud of her for what she has been through and that she has the strength to even want a job and to get out and live a normal life - much better than having a child who is drinking or self harming or generally going into self destruct. Embarrassed and ashamed are not emotions you should feel, pride and awe at her strength of character are. Some things happened to me and I had the 'good' job and went to uni, but spent the whole of my 20's self harming, drinking and taking a lot of drugs. She's doing what's right for her at the moment, so just support her in your mind as well as openly as as much as you think you're hiding your disappointment, she will see it at some point.

OP, my heart goes out to you all. I would gently suggest that it is easier to focus your negativity on this career path than on what happened to her, which is totally understandable. You need to be able to cope with your pain and fury, even whilst hers is greater.

I totally understand why she wouldn't report it. Our culture is appalling in the way it views rape and treats rape victims. Studies show that teen and young men have the most misogynist, stereotypical and clueless opinions about the subject, and that teen girls are also very misinformed and victim-blaming. The thought of her peers finding out must terrify her, and in this day and age, if people did find out, there could be cunts that make it follow her online forever. Add to that a legal system where only 9% of reported rapes get prosecuted, having to give details about something so vile when it was also the loss of her virginity, and it becomes clear why she daren't. And of course, victims nearly always blame themselves, when it's never their fault.

Don't get me wrong, I am a Feminist and speak out about rape and abuse all the time, but I totally understand why victims, especially young ones, daren't face telling the police.

I think you need to reframe what she is doing as real progress. She is having counselling, which will be very difficult for her, she is trying to get a job, and the independence and self-esteem that that entails. It's very positive. She will learn to socialise and mix with others, and to trust others too. A lot of work you do in retail can be physical and repetitive, and such work can actually be a very good way of taking your mind off things. I was very depressed in my teens, and getting a job on the tills at Boots actually really lifted it, because I was too busy to think deeply, I had to focus all the time, so couldn't afford to think deeply, when people were nice, it was a boost, and when customers were arses, it was actually quite nice in an odd way to have something trivial to feel upset about, if that makes sense. I thought of myself as awful and unlikable, but others saw me as perfectly nice and capable and that was good for me too.

There's nothing wrong with what she is doing, but she can also start Uni a bit later, if that's what she decides to do. I didn't go until I was 21, but have a PhD, so waiting worked for me.

One thought occurs to me though - you say this assault happened on the way back from the library: could it be that learning/academic work has somehow got jumbled up in her mind with the rape? Maybe on some level, learning feels dangerous to her right now.

PS If she shares details with you, you don't have to then tell DH.

Not a huge amount to say apart from this; if that were my beautiful DD, i would firstly thank god that she was still alive, then thank god that she was coming through it, then thank god that she was functioning.

I had utterly 'rubbish' (in your opinion) jobs when i was her age, and now am at the top of my profession. Give the girl a break, she's been to hell and back and you will never know the pain she's suffered.

Fuck what any of your friends think - you need to tell your inner Hyacinth Bouquet to do one

Surely all you say to people is that she doing better ( if they know she's been ill ) and is looking for or/is working - you don't have to explain the situation to others or listen to anything they have to say.

I wonder if the status thing is all tied up in how you feel about the last 2.5 years - the emotions surround your reactions to changes in her and type of mourning for what might have been.

I know several people who have done better by not going to University than I have who did - and she is obviously making huge progress - try and focus on how far she has come though I can see that might be easier said than done.

She is taking baby steps back into life , let her do it at her own pace . Getting a job is a fantastic step forward , just having a reason to get up and go out everyday, without taking into account all the social benifits , is great .
She is 19 , she has many many many more years of life in which you can boast about her achievments to friends and family . Right now all she needs is a mother who loves her and who is immensely proud of her daughter for surviving something so traumatic .

My mother is like you.

I suffered from eating disorders and crippling anxiety and a stutter all through school, nothing I did was good enough, whatever I achieved wasn't enough and I could have done better.

I left school at 16, working as a waitress, had worked my way up to General manager by 21, even though I had DS at 18.

I'm now 24, have changed industrys, transferring my skills I learnt in restaurants and earn £50k a year, have a two bed house, a car, and 3 holidays a year.

I am the most successful out of all my friends by a long long long shot. Even though they all have degrees. I have succeeded with 3 GCSEs a IQ of 139, dyslexia and mild dyspraxia. IMO social skills, strong work ethic and commen sense are all you need to achieve in life.

I hate to say this but if you are thinking it she can tell. Doesn't matter what you day she will
Know you are thinking it. So STOP THINKING IT

She is a strong girl to survive and come out the other side of something so horrific. Be proud and let her live her life marching to her own drum.

imo you should support your dd regardless and who gives a crap if you feel embarrassed?

2 Of my DC work in retail.

I'm proud of them.

I feel so sorry for your DD.

Have any of the past few posters actually read the thread and seen rhe OPs further comments?

OP - you sound lovely and I'm glad this thread has helped you to focus on the best way to support your DD. What a horrible situation for you all to be in.

You & your family sound lovely op, it's really hard having teenagers, you have so much hope for them and really want them to succeed. Your dd already has in so many ways!

Give her time

I'm so very sorry to hear what happened to your daughter. But I'm also impressed and encouraged to hear about how she is finding her way back. She is being very strong and I'm sure you are being very strong and supportive too.

If she does decide to move on into academic studies, a few years work beforehand won't have done any harm. She'll have earned some money and gained some maturity which will help her to make use of her studies more effectively. And I imagine that the kinds of fears that she might have faced at university thanks to the bastard who attacked her will hopefully lessen with time and healing, so that she can live university life more confidently than if she rushed into it.

It is positive and heartbreaking at the same time to hear what a difference it made to her when she was able to tell you what happened. It sounds like she really turned a corner then. Talking is so healing, but we so often make it unavailable to ourselves. I know my older son has problems that talking would help with , but it is so very hard for so many teenagers to open up to their parents, even in the absence of the horrible trauma your daughter went through. She did talk to you and that helped her a lot, so you have been able to give her something brilliant in this awful situation.

This time must have been hard on you emotionally, so don't beat yourself up for that bit of unnecessary negativity (the embarrassment at her retail jobs).

for her and you.

In additi

(9Also, everything that EldritchCleavage said at 14:53:56 seems really spot-on.)

Have you considered that you might need counselling too?

I do not think it is unreasonable that both you and your DD are grieving for the uncomplicated adolescence that you had planned for her, and that her cousins etc have had. She has been robbed of that by this attack.

I think that if life has been untroubled, we can form plans that are perhaps a little unthinkingly- well, smug is a harsh word, let us say, selfabsorbed, or rather protected from how life can be. The phrase about wanting her to be "one of life's achievers" is possibly a hangover from that earlier, less thoughtful phase of your life. This is something my PIL had to get over when my DC were born disabled- they had never had any contact with that world before, they had produced high-achieving untroubled kids of their own and they found the transition difficult. I don't think it is helpful to be too harsh about this- this is not a club any of us wishes to join.

Be reassured. Much of what we see as "high achieving" in other people can mask problems. Your daughter has her own issues to resolve and will move at her own pace. As she heals, she is quite likely to want to make changes and find her own path, and you may well find yourself very proud of her, not just in the context of what you know privately about what things have cost her, but as it were in the public domain. She is being very sensible to manage her stress levels at this early stage, and showing good judgement. The good thing about today's world is that it will be easy for her to go back into academia if she chooses, at a later age.

Sorry, hit send too soon.

In addition to what Oxford said, there's a good chance your daughter knows. Nearly 3/4 of rapes are committed by a non-stranger. I would be afraid of accusing a former friend, classmate or even teacher, especially if that person was highly regarded by the community.

You seem like a great mum who is still recovering from hearing that her daughter went through a terrible ordeal. Are there any support groups for friends/family of sexual assault victims in your area? It may help you cope and find the best ways to support your daughter.

*knows her rapist.