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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wtaf MIL?

115 replies

chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 11:33

This is my first post in AIBU so please be kind....I am just completely flabbergasted!
We recently found out we are expecting number 2, and as it's early days, we decided to tell select close friends and family first (parents, siblings, and our 2 best friends- oh and mn! Lol) We went for an early scan on Monday and was happy to see a strong heartbeat, and find out our due date (31st May...making me just over 8 weeks pregnant). We have not in any way made an official announcement yet which those we told are fully aware of as we asked them to keep it quiet. I sent the scan picture, with the weeks gestation etc to my mum and my mother in law on Monday night. My mum wrote back an excited email.....my MIL wrote nothing...I thought, she's moving house...she'll say something when she gets around to it. But no....today I get an email from MIL's FRIEND....saying congratulations. WTAF? I wrote to MIL saying that I understand she was excited to tell her friend, but as i didn't even get a reply, I wasn't sure she even received the email, and also as it is a personal situation, and she is aware we have not made an announcement yet,I was surprised she had told her friend. I had to do some damage control as this friend is on FB and i could see our surprise being completely hijacked. AIBU to feel it was inappropriate for MIL to announce our news to her friend we hardly know and to receive an email from HER FRIEND saying congratulations.....when she didn't even acknowledge receipt of the news?? Pregnancy hormones all over the place and feeling rather fragile. Pease don't be mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 11:35

Oh by the way she told her friend by forwarding the scan picture.

OP posts:
TheFabulousIdiot · 23/10/2013 11:41

did you tell her not to tell anyone?

echt · 23/10/2013 11:42

First of all, congratulations.

Second, YABU. If you announce your pregnancy, people will tell. You did not say in your OP that it was a secret.

quoteunquote · 23/10/2013 11:43

either something is a secret or it is not,

Two people can keep a secret, if one of them is dead.

I very much doubt she meant to offend. and moving house may have been more effort than she bargained for,

blame some of it on hormones and congratulations by the way.

Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 11:44

I very clearly said to keep it a secret! Read the post!

OP posts:
NeedlesCuties · 23/10/2013 11:44

Read the OP again, people. She does say that they were asked to keep it quiet.

I think YANBU to be a bit annoyed, but I wouldn't let it cloud the next 32 weeks.

CoffeeTea103 · 23/10/2013 11:45

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Your mil action is a bit off. Did she contact your DH though? Yabu though, In that expecting people to keep this type of news a secret. People always end up spilling the beans

JerseySpud · 23/10/2013 11:45

Whether you told her not to tell anyone or not you are not being unreasonable

It was not her news to share

echt · 23/10/2013 11:46

Sorry, OP, I can see you asked them to keep it quiet. Now you know.

Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 11:46

I am not enjoying this pregnancy, and I just wanted this one little happiness for myself. I think it's very rude when someone has told you something in good faith to betray that.

OP posts:
Famzilla · 23/10/2013 11:47

The thing is, once you tell a secret it will spread. You trusted her not to say anything, she probably trusted her friend etc.

I've found if you genuinely want to keep things secret then you need to do just that. She shouldn't have told her friend really but if I were you I wouldn't be that bothered really. It's nice that you have people so interested in your family.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Flowers

TEErickOrTEEreat · 23/10/2013 11:47

Definitely not her news to share whether you asked her to keep it a secret or not.

CaptainTripps · 23/10/2013 11:47

Well you know for the future that she can't keep her gob shut! Learn from this.

echt · 23/10/2013 11:48

Got say this, OP. If you wanted this little happiness to yourself, you shouldn't have told anyone.

FirstStopCafe · 23/10/2013 11:48

YANBU she shouldn't have told anyone

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 11:48

She didn't contact DH either. I can see from her side she was excited. I don't want to hurt her or be insensitive....I just feel really hurt she would do that...it's the same friend she invited to our wedding (told us she gave her a copy of the invite!) when we didn't! But that's another story.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 23/10/2013 11:50

YANBU.

When I fell pg with DS1, DH and I were in the UK but he was due to travel back to Australia for an award ceremony. I wasn't keen for him to tell his mum but guessed he probably would, but as it was still early days asked him to tell her to keep it quiet as anything could happen still.

Next thing I'm getting a phonecall from his aunt to congratulate me. I was NOT pleased (although was polite to her). MIL has no ability to keep things private though - she also blabbed to all and sundry about my first MC after we'd moved to Australia, which I was seriously upset by.

Worse - she just assumes that our business is hers to do with as she will - and she invites her friends to our parties! Or rather she did that - we refuse to allow her to do that any more! Cheek.

thebody · 23/10/2013 11:51

ah yes she shouldn't have told but it's done now.

let it go, concentrate in your lovely baby and congrats.

Thumbwitch · 23/10/2013 11:51

Sorry, meant to add to the end of that - so OP watch out - make sure you keep strict boundaries with your MIL because it could get worse.

And congratulations! Thanks

Beccagain · 23/10/2013 11:53

am not enjoying this pregnancy

This is quite apparent from your rather grouchy tone. Give it a chance it's only 8 weeks, you're entitled to be a bloody great misery hormonal

and I just wanted this one little happiness for myself

Then why didn't you? Both sets of parents, siblings and select friends is really quite widespread for something you want to hug to yourself! I am absolutely not saying your MiL did the right thing, she didn't, but she probably couldn't help herself just as you couldn't.

many many congratulations Flowers

MotheringShites · 23/10/2013 11:55

Don't sweat it. MILs can do much worse! As many others have said, if you wanted a secret then you don't tell anyone.

Congrats and try to relax.

Kewcumber · 23/10/2013 12:02

Really?! people think telling a parent you are pregnant and asking them to keep it to themselves for a while is unreasonable?! So you can't tell even the people closest to you anything unless you're ready for the whole world to know?

YANBU - but I guess you'll know in future to exclude her if she can't control herself from saying anything.

fluffyraggies · 23/10/2013 12:03

Congrats :)

I don't think YABU, but I think unless you're going to keep it a real secret (ie: just between you and DP) then it's better to half expect the news to get out tbh.

Telling both parents, siblings and best friends is pretty much an announcement really. I know you said you didn't want it going further - but folk do 'just tell one person', and so on ...

I remember going to a big out of the blue family get together - which turned into a preg. announcement by DHs brother and wife. Out of 15 people gathered it was only an actual surprise to 4 of us! As soon as the announcement was made MIL whipped their scan pic out of her handbag (which she'd had for about 4 weeks) and started passing it round! We found it odd to do be doing a 'big reveal' when most of the people gathered already knew and just nodded and smiled!

Milkjug · 23/10/2013 12:04

A secret will spread only if you tell it to someone untrustworthy, and the OP thought her MIL could be trusted. Or at least was someone who could be trusted to understand that her DIL's desire not to broadcast her pregnancy was more important than her desire to broadcast it.

And this clearly wasn't a matter of an excited slip of the tongue, which I would have sympathy with. She forwarded a scan photo, which couldn't be an accident. (On the other hand, OP, you sent her the scan photo, thereby giving her the material to spread...)

Maybe I am just lucky in my friends and colleagues. I told no one ( including parents and ILs) I was pregnant until 17 weeks, because of some medical concerns. Lots of people knew perfectly well because I wasn't drinking and was hardly eating, all the women in my dept heard me throwing up in the loo, and I had to move lectures to go to scans. Not one single person asked me or gossiped about it. I really appreciated it.

Beccagain · 23/10/2013 12:07

I hardly dare say this, but I am guessing that a lot of you who are outraged by MiL's spilling of the beans are not grandparents.

I agree that MiL would have done better to keep it zipped and I did not tell anyone of my DiL's pregnancies until I was given leave to do so BUT....

being a grandparent is a WAY bigger deal than being a parent, I have discovered!