Wtaf MIL?

[chattychattyboomba]

This is my first post in AIBU so please be kind....I am just completely flabbergasted!
We recently found out we are expecting number 2, and as it's early days, we decided to tell select close friends and family first (parents, siblings, and our 2 best friends- oh and mn! Lol) We went for an early scan on Monday and was happy to see a strong heartbeat, and find out our due date (31st May...making me just over 8 weeks pregnant). We have not in any way made an official announcement yet which those we told are fully aware of as we asked them to keep it quiet. I sent the scan picture, with the weeks gestation etc to my mum and my mother in law on Monday night. My mum wrote back an excited email.....my MIL wrote nothing...I thought, she's moving house...she'll say something when she gets around to it. But no....today I get an email from MIL's FRIEND....saying congratulations. WTAF? I wrote to MIL saying that I understand she was excited to tell her friend, but as i didn't even get a reply, I wasn't sure she even received the email, and also as it is a personal situation, and she is aware we have not made an announcement yet,I was surprised she had told her friend. I had to do some damage control as this friend is on FB and i could see our surprise being completely hijacked. AIBU to feel it was inappropriate for MIL to announce our news to her friend we hardly know and to receive an email from HER FRIEND saying congratulations.....when she didn't even acknowledge receipt of the news?? Pregnancy hormones all over the place and feeling rather fragile. Pease don't be mean.

Actually I think it's the very opposite of sad and sceptical that people cannot be trusted to keep good news to themselves!

STILL not saying that your MiL was right to blab, but there seems to be a reasonable weight of opinion here that you should maybe cut her some slack (but I would say that wouldn't I ), unless, as Diddl says there is a festering backstory!

I think it's most red tat she sent you no acknowledgement whatsoever when she clearly did have time to respond.

Has she replied now?

Hows this for betrayal of a secret -

DP and I were not together long before I got pregnant and as I was on the pill we were concered about any problems with the baby.

We went for my 8 week dating scan and when in the waiting room saw somebody we knew who drank in the same pub as us, he was waiting with his girlfriend. Said hello to him and thought no more about it.

That fucker went and told EVERYONE in the pub that we drank in and all our friends where we saw us and why we there there. People we didnt know very well knew before our family did. We had to tell people at 8 weeks as it wasnt a secret any longer.

Still bitter about it 12 years later.

being a grandparent is a WAY bigger deal than being a parent, I have discovered!

W T F?

My PIL did this with my first conception too - ended fairly early in a miss, but they had told everyone, which was super-embarrassing when people would ask how it was going and I had to say not.
Aargh.

Thanks zombees. No no reply from MIL yet. I hope she's not hurt. No real back story. She's a sensitive soul but unfortunately can be a bit of a blabber mouth and don't think she is really trained in the art of tact (cultural/ generational diff)
Anyway I got this email from her friend just now:

Oh I do understand love. MIL was very excited and I was not aware
that she wasn't to tell me but I promise. I don't actually know anyone
that would know you guys and that is your call anyway.
I too was excited for you, that is why I sent you the email....sorry,
hope I haven't affended.(sp)
Love to you 3 1/2 xxxxxx

To which I replied:

Nooo no offence. Sorry don't mean to come across harsh I am just all hormonal and been sick as a dog. I am very happy for you to know, I just wished she would have ran it by me and I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding. I only sent the scan picture to my mum and her, so she probably thought that was the green light. Anyway thanks so much for your lovely email.
Xxxx

Well I had better go my poor little DD is singing doc mcstuffins in my face naked and covered in iggle piggies stickers...i think she's trying to tell me something....will be back later and thanks for all your responses xx

I think you are sounding a bit grand, OP.

People get pregnant all the time, others are pleased for them but aren't as interested in knowing as you seem to think (save grandparents - but even they are ok to secretly guess and not have to know at the point of conception).

I have known a gazillion pregnant friends and family over the last 15 years and it's always wonderful news but no big surprise or necessarily anything you want to know before 12 weeks or want to have to keep a secret.

Again - congrats (before you bite my head off).

W T F?

See my response Fish.

Are you saying you disagree, as a grandparent (absolutely your right to do so...): if you are not a grandparent, you can only assume (ditto) but I've been both (that's the joy of being bloody ancient, you have a few more scalpels on your belt) and I know which was the bigger deal for me. (I did say "I have discovered", not "it has been proven beyond doubt")

but op how do you know who is reading your threads on mn? you might be identifyable,? your friends down the pub/mil/sil/sister/god knows who might be reading them and have identified you....

As I said - you make your private business public knowledge online and yet expect someone too keep it a secret? bit of a double standard there.

Your MIL sounds like my Mum!
My dsis got married quietly and secretly. She told my Mum but told her not to tell anyone as her dh's Mum had not been told and her dh wanted to tell his Mum in person so it would have to wait till they saw his Mum.
My Mum told her sister and told her not to tell anyone. My aunt then told my uncle and told him not to tell anyone. My uncle told my cousin but by then, the "don't tell anyone" aspect of things had got filtered out of the conversation.
And my poor cousin, who is normally the epitome of discretion, went on Facebook and congratulated my dsis! I saw the comment and actually was a little peeved because my Mum had also told me but told me not to say anything to dsis becasue dsis wanted to tell me in person and I thought that dsis must have told a couple of other people before tellling me. I almost made a sarky comment on FB but stopped myself. Then noticed that the comment had been deleted.
Dsis tells my Mum nothing now!

Why tell some people you're pregnant and ask them to keep it a secret? . When we were ready to tell, we told everyone.
Having a hierarchy of people who are "allowed" to know smacks of attention seeking to me...

"I very clearly said to keep it a secret! Read the post!"

sorry!

I missed it as the OP was quite hard to read with no paragraphs.

Anyway - I don't think it is unreasonable for you to be upset about this.

How did your MIL respond to your email about her blabbing? It's odd that she never replied to your announcement. Did she definitely see it? I sometimes miss emails. Just wondering if she might have heard the news from another family member who knew, but the family member didn't make it clear enough that it was a secret? I can sort of see why a MIL might excitedly tell a best mate, but she should have told them it was supposed to be secret so they didn't then contact you to congratulate you! Dohh! I do sympathise though as my MIL blabbed to all and sundry when I was 5 weeks pregnant after 3 miscarriages! You would think she would realise this wasn't a good idea. At a family barbecue shortly afterwards my dh's dim cousin said in front of everyone "I hear you have a stork on the roof. I hope it stays this time!" I had to remove myself to go off and have a cry. (Pregnancy had a happy outcome in the end.)

Sorry crossed post

Looks like I'm in the minority here but I don't think YABU to be annoyed when you had asked her to keep it to herself, however, I also think you should just let it go now and not make a massive issue of it. Telling anyone means there is a risk of the news spreading. If it helps you could just reiterate to everyone that you do not plan to tell anyone else until x weeks so you would be grateful if they could keep it to themselves.

Good luck with everything.

Whilst I absolutely apprieciate that our pregnancies are the most exciting thing ever, the most amazing and clever secret accomplishment and the world will be blessed when we choose to unleash the good news on the great unwashed.... No one outside immediate family and close friends are really that bothered ;) And it seems you told all those that would give it more than a passing thought yourself already.

For most people that get told 'oh, Jane Bloggs is pregnant!' the response is usually along the lines of 'oh how lovely! Wow did you see Downton last night?' Our pregnancies are no big deal to others sadly :( Lovely news of course, but nothing earth shattering to their day!

So don't sweat it! Absolutely it's a shame that you felt you could rely on MIL to keep your exciting secret but in reality by trusting her good friend she has not stolen any of your thunder, people are not sat around with baited breath waiting for you (us) to announce you're expecting.

I hope what I am trying to say comes across in the right way!

Oh, congrats by the way!

Floggingmolly - I can't answer for the OP in relation to your question Why tell some people you're pregnant and ask them to keep it a secret? but if it were me, I would hazard a guess that if you announce to anyone at 8 weeks pregnant and ask them to keep quiet it is either down to (A) a personal choice who gets told and the people being told should respect that or (B) a recurring medical issue and again, people should respect that request

Wow, am a bit amazed by the number of posters who think that once you've told your best friend and your mothers, it's a free-for-all, even if you've told them it's a secret. I'm 15 weeks, and around at 7 weeks told my mum and dad, DH's mum and dad (because we see them all the time, and I'd been vomiting morning, noon and night, so felt we needed to offer an explanation), and my two best friends. I would have been absolutely shocked and horrified had they told anyone else, because... I trust them. I told who I told for support, and also because had I suffered a pregnancy loss at an early stage, which I was concerned about, I would have wanted their comfort. I feel really sad for those who interpret this behaviour as attention seeking, or entitled, or that think it holds adults to unreasonable standards of maturity and discretion. It makes me even more grateful for my wonderful friends and supportive parents. YANBU, op.

I don't think it's attention seeking and I don't think it's a 'free for all' once you've told a few people.

I do think some people think their (wonderful) baby news is more exciting or suprising than it actually is for other people, especially friends - ie they really don't need to know until it can be public news. Not everyone wants to hold secrets, by the way.

It is also human nature for people to confide in 'just one person' when they are keeping a secret hence why secrets nearly always get out.

Thanks Charlie. Very well said.

"Diddl, I think it would help you to understand that people who tell select few who are close to them, is for the point that these are the people you would want to confide in, should something go wrong as well"

But that's precisely why we didn't tell anyone-because we would have wanted to keep it to the two of us.

Doesn't mean we aren't close to people-just wanted to get past the 12wks & first scan.

It sounds as though your MIL wasn't being malicious & deliberately going against what you wanted.

I do get why you're annoyed as it's not respecting your wishes, but hopefully if she has only told the one friend, it won't have gone much further than you wanted.

If you generally get on I wouldn't cause an argument over it-just be aware another time that she would probably tell this friend of hers-who sounds lovely!

Hope all goes well for you & congratulations!

I've just read up properly and saw that you even emailed the friend to express your dismay at her being told! Cringe! . That poor woman, that's a little awkward for her!

Honestly, with the greatest of respect, no one really cares that you are pregnant! It's lovely, lovely news for those close to you but you've told them yourself already! You're now emailing people to 'tell them off' in a way for knowing?!

I hope you manage to get over feeling slighted and go on to enjoy your pregnancy with your family. These days go so quick!

YANBU to be pissed off that you asked her to keep quiet and she didn't, but life lesson, others don't always think before opening their mouths (even though a grown adult should be able to rein in their excitement )

If you really don't want people to know, don't tell anyone else!

I don't tell my own mother anything because she uses it all as gossip to keep the attention on herself, she can't keep her mouth shut, I know from all the stuff she tells me that she's not meant to. Shame really, of all the people in the world it'd be nice to have a mum I could talk to

Congrats though & hope.the hg disappears

Yes, people should respect your secret - however, despite wanting to keep this happiness for yourself - you couldn't help sharing it with several close people - so perhaps your MiL felt the same and wanted to share it with people close to her.
She is going to be a grandma again so perhaps the thrill of that meant she just 'had' to share it with her close friend!

Like others have said, if you want something to be secret then do not tell anyone.

You berated your MIL's friend for having been told?
You really need to accept that when people are excited for you; it really is a bonus, to most people it's all in a day's work and they're far more interested in their in lives than yours.

Raspberry...I didn't email her to tell her off! I said thank you very much, but also made her aware that know one else knew (damage control) just I case she was to slip up on fb etc. no need to cringe thank you