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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wtaf MIL?

115 replies

chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 11:33

This is my first post in AIBU so please be kind....I am just completely flabbergasted!
We recently found out we are expecting number 2, and as it's early days, we decided to tell select close friends and family first (parents, siblings, and our 2 best friends- oh and mn! Lol) We went for an early scan on Monday and was happy to see a strong heartbeat, and find out our due date (31st May...making me just over 8 weeks pregnant). We have not in any way made an official announcement yet which those we told are fully aware of as we asked them to keep it quiet. I sent the scan picture, with the weeks gestation etc to my mum and my mother in law on Monday night. My mum wrote back an excited email.....my MIL wrote nothing...I thought, she's moving house...she'll say something when she gets around to it. But no....today I get an email from MIL's FRIEND....saying congratulations. WTAF? I wrote to MIL saying that I understand she was excited to tell her friend, but as i didn't even get a reply, I wasn't sure she even received the email, and also as it is a personal situation, and she is aware we have not made an announcement yet,I was surprised she had told her friend. I had to do some damage control as this friend is on FB and i could see our surprise being completely hijacked. AIBU to feel it was inappropriate for MIL to announce our news to her friend we hardly know and to receive an email from HER FRIEND saying congratulations.....when she didn't even acknowledge receipt of the news?? Pregnancy hormones all over the place and feeling rather fragile. Pease don't be mean.

OP posts:
sparechange · 23/10/2013 12:07

YANBU, and your MIL sounds like a loon
Hope this doesn't cloud the rest of your pregnancy, and you have an excuse to not tell her things in the future!

Kewcumber · 23/10/2013 12:09

But BEcca I did not tell anyone of my DiL's pregnancies until I was given leave to do so

isn;t that the crucial differnce? Would you rather not be told or bite your lip hard and be a part of the exciting secret?

Kewcumber · 23/10/2013 12:11

I'm not outraged btw just think its not unreasonable to expect an adult to keep thier mouth shut for a month or two - its not like people don;t understand wanting to keep a pregnancy quiet until the right time (for them) or that she'd have to keep it a secret forever.

Fluffymonster · 23/10/2013 12:11

Ooh, to be honest you do sound a teeny bit hormonal about it - HOWEVER it is a very annoying thing to happen.

When I was pg I would have probably been livid, but these days I'd probably take a deep breath, and then chalk it up to MIL having done something annoying, for whatever reason, and shrug it off.

Could be all sorts of reasons - just moved, pc not set up yet, no internet? (I know, it doesn't explain why she could forward scan pic - but maybe she did it by phone, with connection unreliable/slow, who knows.) She may have told a close friend so that her friend could get the message to you, on her behalf. My MIL is technophobic and leaves nearly all online or email type things to FIL, even if it's actually her that wants to send the message. I used to send them photos of the kids via email, until I realised that she wouldn't always get to see them as she was completely reliant on FIL being there with her to open the email... Still, now that you have said something to the friend, maybe you'll get an explanation or apology, or if not at least your views are made clear. Rarrr! Grin

Congrats on your pregnancy!

Beccagain · 23/10/2013 12:12

You're spot on Kewcumber, of course I preferred the latter, I just have some sympathy with the motivation/actions of DMil in this case!

Fluffymonster · 23/10/2013 12:15

Btw this 'friend' - are they more than just good friends? Because if it's a 'partner' then perhaps she seems them as one of the family - hence sharing family events, like inviting them to your wedding and the baby news.

Fluffymonster · 23/10/2013 12:15

*sees

DontMentionThePrunes · 23/10/2013 12:16

YANBU, my MIL did this to me when I was pregnant with twins (sadly miscarried). I was particularly upset that she'd found the person in her village who is an obstetric consultant, and decided to ask him for lots of advice for me. Unfortunately he had done a few things to a friend of mine while she was giving birth that made me very sure that I wouldn't want to be taking his advice, and what with the mad hormones I was livid.
(And then after I miscarried, for a few years she sent me emails about various people who were having TWINS, always capitalised, always pretty much unnecessary. WTF?)

Howsuper · 23/10/2013 12:17

Yes she should have kept it secret but from experience if you tell a few people (you seem to have told at least 8 people??) someone will blab or misunderstand or whatevs. Maybe phone her next time rather than email.

It seems a big deal now but it's not, so get over yourself...and congratulations.

Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 12:18

Beccagain.... Shock I don't even know what to say to that statement!
For what it's worth, this will be their 8th grandchild. Our second child.

For those who have sent their congrats, thank you very much Smile

For those who say if I wanted it to be kept secret don't tell anyone...how sad! To be that skeptical that you can't even hope to trust your closest friends and family to respect your wishes!

DH was the one who originally couldn't keep his mouth shut. Told his mum over Skype, so I thought...there's no way I can have my MIL know without telling my own mother. My dad doesn't know. I figured his mum wouldn't be able to help telling SIL so we decided to include her as well, then because I am suffering HG (so not just a moody cow actually) and my sister had suffered it, I decided I needed to confide in her for info and help with coping.
We chose to tell our 2 best friends because we had a gathering and knew they would notice I wasn't drinking and needed their help to conspire to not have it look obvious (ie not topping up my wine every few minutes!) so there you go. All of these people I would think are close enough to us to be respectful and so far all but 1 have been.

OP posts:
Beccagain · 23/10/2013 12:21

Beccagain.... I don't even know what to say to that statement!

What statement was that? I've made quite a few!

Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 12:22

Saying being a grandparent was a bigger deal than being a parent

OP posts:
Thymeout · 23/10/2013 12:26

Did you tell her how long to keep quiet for? I'm thinking that when you sent her the scan photo, she thought that it was now somehow 'official' and she was free to tell her friend. Especially since it seems that you would not otherwise have included the friend in a general announcement.

I agree it was annoying, but think that miscommunication might have been at the root of it.

Beccagain · 23/10/2013 12:28

Gotcha

Okay I knew it would be contentious but I stand by it. I would never expect anybody who hasn't been a grandparent to agree, and probably there are quite a few grandparents who would not agree, but ime it is just indescribable, in much the same way as you can't really describe what becoming a parent feels like, you just have to do it.

I have done both...and...and

ime becoming a granparent (and I have rather more than one dgc) is EVERY time, the BEST, just the BEST.

As I say, can't really expect you to agree, but I hope one day you will discover the real and unalloyed joy of being a GP yourself (by that I mean a grandparent of course, not a General Practitioner)

Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 12:28

I think that's a good point thyme out. It crossed my mind too... I guess it was not purely the fact that she blabbed though. It was also the lack of acknowledgment of the email AND THEN the 'oh hey I told a basic stranger to you'...maybe she didn't see I had only sent the email to my mother and her? I just would have though she would be very conscious of that...since we very obviously asked her to keep it quiet until we announced it.

OP posts:
eightandthreequarters · 23/10/2013 12:30

OP, congratulations! Very excited for you.

However, if you want to keep a secret, then keep it. It's not 'sad' and it's not 'sceptical' - but once you tell MIL she is going to be a grandparent again, you run the risk that she will tell others. If you're not happy with that, then don't tell anyone. I can understand you being annoyed, and it's fun conspiring until you make the announcement, but it is what it is.

I would not take this up with her yourself. Let DH mention you were hoping to keep it quiet for a bit longer.

eightandthreequarters · 23/10/2013 12:33

Beccagain Grin That's lovely - makes me look forward to being a GP one day!

diddl · 23/10/2013 12:34

Well there's obviously a history there which is colouring things, and I do think that as an adult she should have kept schtum.

But I also think-great news, she's excited & wants to tell someone.

But then I don't get this tell a few but it's early so they need to keep quiet & then tell a few more.

We told parents at 16wks & they told others & so did we.

Beccagain · 23/10/2013 12:35

Thanks Eight, really glad that you get that I'm coming from a good place!

Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 12:35

8&3/4 I'm afraid it is sad and skeptical. It's a weird viewpoint to think you cannot confide I anyone...what would the world come to if no one trusted anyone ever? Really? Trust no one? It's not fun conspiring. It's bloody tiresome.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 23/10/2013 12:36

thing is, if you trust someone, they trust someone, and so on....

tbh while I can see that you are a bit put out, I think it's a bit much to get upset that someone has divulged your news to her friend when you have chosen to publish it to over a million people on the internet (mn).

When my sil was pregnant she deleted her cousin from fb so her aunt didn't find out she was pregnant until she was ready to tell her. yet she had published the fact, including that it was twins, to her several hundred friends on fb. People get a bit too odd when talking about their pregnancies IMO,and once you start to tell some people I think it's almost fair enough that others will become aware too. if you don't want people to know, don't tell them.

And I would see an email of a scan picture as a bit of a green light

Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 12:37

Diddl, I think it would help you to understand that people who tell select few who are close to them, is for the point that these are the people you would want to confide in, should something go wrong as well. not like all 'hey sorry I'm crying I just failed to tell you the biggest thing in my life just went terribly wrong and because you weren't aware you might need some time to get on the same page' iykwim

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 23/10/2013 12:38

chatty i sympathise with how it snowballed then. My DH was SO excited when i fell preg. a couple of years ago (his first child).

He rang me from work about 10 seconds after i had just got a BFP on a home preg. test at only 4 weeks preg. I wanted to wait till he was home to tell him, but he figured out something was up from my voice. So i told him. Massively excited he then told the entire building site he was working on! Then texted his parents, and then his best mate! By the time he got home from work that day half the village had been informed so of course i had to tell my family, etc. so that they didn't hear it form someone else. Nightmare. Then when i MC'd we had a million people to tell :(

We tried again and i am now 28 weeks Grin all looks good - and this time he was much more restrained about who got told and when!

Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 12:38

Wannabe. That's the beauty of man...it's not rl.

OP posts:
Original poster
chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 12:38

Gah! MN

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