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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wtaf MIL?

115 replies

chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 11:33

This is my first post in AIBU so please be kind....I am just completely flabbergasted!
We recently found out we are expecting number 2, and as it's early days, we decided to tell select close friends and family first (parents, siblings, and our 2 best friends- oh and mn! Lol) We went for an early scan on Monday and was happy to see a strong heartbeat, and find out our due date (31st May...making me just over 8 weeks pregnant). We have not in any way made an official announcement yet which those we told are fully aware of as we asked them to keep it quiet. I sent the scan picture, with the weeks gestation etc to my mum and my mother in law on Monday night. My mum wrote back an excited email.....my MIL wrote nothing...I thought, she's moving house...she'll say something when she gets around to it. But no....today I get an email from MIL's FRIEND....saying congratulations. WTAF? I wrote to MIL saying that I understand she was excited to tell her friend, but as i didn't even get a reply, I wasn't sure she even received the email, and also as it is a personal situation, and she is aware we have not made an announcement yet,I was surprised she had told her friend. I had to do some damage control as this friend is on FB and i could see our surprise being completely hijacked. AIBU to feel it was inappropriate for MIL to announce our news to her friend we hardly know and to receive an email from HER FRIEND saying congratulations.....when she didn't even acknowledge receipt of the news?? Pregnancy hormones all over the place and feeling rather fragile. Pease don't be mean.

OP posts:

Original poster

chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 14:10

Flogging....I didn't berate her at all!

OP posts:

slothlike · 23/10/2013 14:11

YANBU at all, I don't think.

During my first pregnancy, I wasn't planning on telling anyone before the first scan, but I told my mum on the phone that I wasn't feeling well and she just immediately goes, "Are you pregnant?!" I didn't want to lie so said that yes, I was pregnant but PLEASE could she not tell anyone else. She ended up ringing up telling my entire extended family on my father's side, including my dad himself, who she is divorced from, and who I'm pretty sure she only told in order to lord it over him that she knew first, even though she claims to have told him to "cheer him up". It massively, MASSIVELY pissed me off.

I don't tell my mum anything personal any more and will just lie if asked.

Anyway. There are some obvious differences between your story and mine BUT I really think that it is NOT THAT HARD to keep other people's personal information to yourself if the person has requested you do so. If you don't think telling other people is a big deal then fine, but it's not your pregnancy so not really your choice.

1charlie1 · 23/10/2013 14:12

I'm also a bit surprised at how many people have said other people don't really care about your pregnancy. If that's the case, my friends and family are brilliant actors! We've been swamped with well wishes, little gifts, so many kind and thoughtful words. People constantly asking how I am, how the baby is, how DH is, all our plans. And I'm only 15 weeks! Oh well, I guess it's all fake, and DH and I are just deluded that anyone really gives a damn!

BenNJerry · 23/10/2013 14:17

I'm very surprised that people think it's normal for the ones you trust to tell other people things you have asked to be kept secret.

YADNBU. DH doesn't have any parents, so I don't have PIL, but I know if I told my mum something and asked her to keep it quiet she wouldn't tell anyone. In fact, when I told her I was pregnant she didn't even tell her husband, my stepfather until I had a chance to tell him myself (he works away). You should be able to trust those closest to you. I don't think YABU at ALL.

Beavie · 23/10/2013 14:19

I would be a bit miffed with mil but I wouldn't stress yourself out too much. Just ask her on the phone if necessary to keep a lid on it.

Fwiw, I would be a week further along than you if I hadn't mc'd nearly 4 weeks ago (actually still going on now and I've become quite ill so I'm writing this from bed). I'm really not trying to make you feel bad but please just get some perspective and enjoy your pg. your mil is really excited, which is a good thing. Best of luck with it x

Beccagain · 23/10/2013 14:19

1Charlie1 I think you may be misconstruing what people have said.

It's not that they don't give a damn, of course it's lovely news, (including yours, and I don't even know you, but many many congratulations), o, not fake at all. but it is only life-changing for the parents and close family.

In that context it really doesn't matter whether other people know or know (or at least I think that's what they mean!)

Davsmum · 23/10/2013 14:20

You can never really be sure that someone has not told your secret unless like in the OPs case - it comes out!

I know my friend's mother told several people when my friend found out she was pregnant, - but my friend thinks she kept the secret!

Original poster

chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 14:22

Charlie, I think we are very lucky to be surrounded by loving (if not at times tactless in my case) people who genuinely feel thrilled for us. It's sad that some people don't have the same themselves, but I see that as the main reason why they comment that know one cares, or maybe another reason they are themselves unable to be happy for others? Jealousy? Who knows...And I genuinely feel sad that they can't have the same excitement at this momentous time in our lives.

I don't think certain people would care very much...for example joe blow from high school who posts on fb about his ute and goaty....or the girl that used to temp with me in my old office....lol!
but I think our circle of friends would be very happy and allow us the time to enjoy the warmth of well wishes when we feel it is safe to announce it to our wider circle of friends.

(Check it out! Paragraphs!)

OP posts:

Arohaitis · 23/10/2013 14:22

Yup sorry YABU

did you really expect to tell all your relatives' friends personally about your pregnancy

(my answer depends on whether you told her to keep it quiet or swore her to secrecy)

RaspberryPear · 23/10/2013 14:23

1Charlie1, I doubt your friends and family are 'brilliant actors', I suspect that they genuinely do care as they are close to you! I would if you were a friend of mine! Being told a friends, friends daughter who is married to Joe Bloggs is pregnant is nice in a 'how lovely' way but then I would move on with my day without giving it a second thought again! It's not earth shattering news.

It seems Op has told all those close to her already, the MIL, who yes has let down the OP, was just excited that her son is having another baby and told her good friend! It's no biggie in the scheme of things! People really are not sat on the edge of their seats awaiting a big announcement - usually in the form of a scan picture via FB ;) The MIL has not ruined anything, she had not changed anything. She is just happy!

Op, I do cringe for that lady that felt she had to apologise to you for knowing. That is a shame :(

Original poster

chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 14:24

Thanks Beavie. Perspective achieved. I'm so so sorry for your loss I know the pain too well. Time heals xxx

OP posts:

Scitteryscattery · 23/10/2013 14:24

YANBU but it may be best not to make too big a deal of it. I told one trusted friend at work in my last pregnancy and before I knew was receiving congratulations from all sorts of people. If I have number 3 I won't make the same mistake again!

RaspberryPear · 23/10/2013 14:24

Beccagain, that is exactly what I meant! Thank you :) I am not very good at getting my point across via text, maybe I am on the wrong site lol!

MrsCakesPremonition · 23/10/2013 14:29

I think that most people assume that the "secret" bit of a pregnancy lasts until the first scan (which usually happens at 12 weeks). Perhaps your MiL jumped the gun, assuming that all will be OK now you have had a positive scan.

Beccagain · 23/10/2013 14:29

Well it was clear to me Raspberry !

Original poster

chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 14:31

Don't know why but the cringe annoys me quite a bit raspberry. I didn't say 'just so you know, you weren't supposed to know!' I said, thank you so much, we are very very happy! I'm not sure if MIL told you but we are keeping it quiet for now and have not announced it to the general public, and I know you will be discreet with this too. Love chatty xx

OP posts:

Scrounger · 23/10/2013 14:31

I only told a few people for my second pregnancy, I had had a miscarriage previously and a history of heavy bleeding in first / third pregnancies. I didn't want it kept a secret because I think that my pregnancy is the best thing that ever happened to anyone but if I lost the babies I would have a level of privacy, close family and close friends only to know.

My MIL did the same thing, started telling all her friends. I asked her not to and she had decided that because I told my close friends that it was OK to tell everyone. I didn't want to be a topic of conversation for people who didn't know me, 'How is Scrounger's pregnancy?' 'Oh no unfortunately she lost them......' I should have been more explicit but I expected her to have more tact and understanding.

I understand that it is exciting for Grandparents and becca your post was lovely but OP YANBU.

Beccagain · 23/10/2013 14:33

It's sad that some people don't have the same themselves, but I see that as the main reason why they comment that know one cares, or maybe another reason they are themselves unable to be happy for others? Jealousy? Who knows...And I genuinely feel sad that they can't have the same excitement at this momentous time in our lives.

OP you asked at the beginning that people be kind to you, and I think almost everyone has been (which is not necessarily the same thing as agreeing with you). Don't you think you could be the same, rather than accusing others of jealsousy, unable to be happy for others, not having loving people in their lives etc.

However, I say again, if you can't be hormonal and grouchy now, when can you be?

1charlie1 · 23/10/2013 14:35

Beccagain, on reflection, I'm sure you're right. But you've expressed it really nicely! I was just getting cranky reading posts from others saying what you've said, but in an unpleasant way. I know it's AIBU, but some of the posts seem... repressive? I can't describe it. As though the OP is behaving like a spoilt princess, and should suck up her MIL's lack of discretion because no-one actually gives a shit anyway.

BTW, while I think the OP is NBU, I also would just tend to take a deep (frustrated!) breath, chalk it up to experience, and file it away for future reference that MIL can't be trusted with secrets.

Original poster

chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 14:35

This isn't berating or making her feel bad! This is the most tactful way of damage controlling what was quite possibly a big misunderstanding before it becomes a real issue.

Anyway...no real damage done. I've had a shower, Dd is napping, I've established more important things to worry about. I love my MIL and agree it could have been a lot worse, plus I am just grateful to have people who are so loving and caring, and so far a healthy pregnancy.

Any more comments, please read the full thread before commenting.

I appreciate all of the feedback

OP posts:

Arohaitis · 23/10/2013 14:36

Have I misunderstood this (havnt read the whole thread)
whatever you said to your MIL her friend had to contact you to apologise for knowing yet in the same thread you write....

Original poster

chattychattyboomba · 23/10/2013 14:40

Becca I wasn't being nasty at all. I am reactive at the best of times but I don't think that's what I was being either. I think I was trying to understand why anyone would say I am being 'grand' and no one cares.... My reasoning is perhaps their own personal reasons for feeling this is true...perhaps no one cared in their case? But that's not so for mine.

OP posts:

RaspberryPear · 23/10/2013 14:51

Blimey!

The reason I would not give the momentous news of your pregnancy a second thought if I was randomly told and because I feel that other than to those close to you, your pregnancy is not life changing is all a result of no one caring about my pregnancies? I'm projecting my jealously on to you?

This is free therapy! I'm intrigued ;)

RaspberryPear · 23/10/2013 14:54

But in all seriousness Op, I would like to genuinely offer you congratulations and I wish you and your family all the very best in your pregnancy. News of a baby is always lovely news no matter who/when/where says it :)

Zoway · 23/10/2013 14:55

My kida are older and with the benefit of being a decade down the line, i think u r being a bit unrealistic expecting to control the information after it's out there. Also i think it is kind of predictable. You have one small child now guess what shocker u r having a 2nd.
I was like u i think but now looming back i roll my eyes at myself and my "news" a bit
Good luck.

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