Men looking at my 13year old daughter

[marmitenot]

I went out with my 13 yr old dd yesterday and a couple of her friends. My daughter, although very pretty (doesn't get it from me!), is clearly a young teen and yet men (old and young) were leering over her and distinctly 'checking her out'.

The looks they were giving my daughter made me extremely uncomfortable and really cross.

AIBU to expect men to control themselves around children?

Jeeeeeeez. Intimidating, pervy, leery, paedo, ghastly, drooling menfolk!!!!! Lock them up!!!

Get a grip. They looked. As a passing glance in the street. If I see a young girl with incredible legs, or perhaps a young man with a gorgeous face, I look. And not once am I thinking "ooooh, what I'd like to do to them" Don't think that because a (potentially much older looking teen) gets a few quick glances that the attention has been solely fixed on her. She's not being singled out as special and drooled over, the 35yr old with a lovely dress that went past her 5 seconds before is getting identically looked at. The 15yr old with a lovely smile that goes past 5 seconds after is getting identically looked at.

Stop being so bloody precious

kerala - You should be grateful love, coz you are fit.

Im fucking gobsmacked that people think this is ok? Where does it stop?

Flashing?
A tap on the arse for appreciation of a job well done?

Bonkers.

Actually you are right kerala. I had forgotten about being 13 and running the gauntlet of flashers, dodgy men on buses, dodgy "uncles" at family events...

It doesn't happen much now that I am 45 . But seriously WTF? Why are our youngest and most vulnerable females expected to negotiate this? Why is anyone expected to? I got a leery comment from a man in the street a couple of weeks ago that pissed me off but I told him to eff off and marched on. But at least I have the nous to know what's coming and deal with it. How is the OP's DD supposed to deal with that inappropriate attention?

Sugarhut, as others have pointed out there is a difference between looking and leering.

The attitudes on here are why nobody gave a shit when I was groomed as a young teenager. It's natural, isn't it?

OP, YA SOOO NBU.

I have a very attractive 15 year old male relative. He is over 6 ft with a six pack but still the face of a 15 year old and i saw plenty of women checking him out on the beach this summer.

I too have a gorgeous nephew - who is now in his 20's but when I went out with him at 13/14/15 I never saw anyone check him out as obviously as the men leering at my dd - I'm sure it happens but not as much as the other way round.

Its not just the glance look oh-he/she-will-break-hearts-someday,its the leer of a man I think most of us have experienced as girls.

Maybe I've misinterpreted you beastofburden but actually that is what lies beneath some of this stuff. If men really cannot control their looking and leering, then they should be wearing blinkers rather than women wearing burkas.

As it happens, I think men and people generally, do behave better than that usually. But some clearly don't and they need to understand their place in the world better. Their job is not to evaluate the women they pass by and communicate their evaluation to those women. Their job is to get on with their own day and leave complete strangers alone. And also to show a little respect and distance to a 13 year old girl. Simple really.

me too Kerala, I can remember some very nasty flashing episodes.

YANBU. My lovely 14 yr old daughter and her friend were walking home from school in their uniforms, a car passed and two men shouted out vile things about thei breasts and bums.

I have watched much older men turn around to check out her bottem as she walks by. Older men have stopped her and asked for her telephone number. We have talked at length about coping with this kind of attention. My daughter may have the body of a woman but she is still a child. The men who sexualise young girls are repugnant.

It's a short step from leering to thinking it's okay to comment. And from there to making a suggestion of what they'd like to do. And from there to groping.

I can't believe some of you think that our children should just suck this stuff up. No wonder so many men think it's okay to letch so openly

I think this must be right about children being less daunting targets or something as this thread has made me think back and yes, when I was over 12 but under say, 17 I experienced most of the leering, catcalling etc. that I ever have. One time I was in ASDA and this (much) older guy was clearly coming on to me, luckily my mum was able to swoop in and see him off! I must say aswell, I did not dress scantily or wear make up or anything like that, was a tomboy if anything! Not that scanty clothes justify obvious leering/grabbing etc.

Since I became a proper 'grownup', I may still meet blokes that obviously fancy me, but they are certainly more respectful, it all feels on a more equal basis.

Maybe I've misinterpreted you beastofburden but actually that is what lies beneath some of this stuff. If men really cannot control their looking and leering, then they should be wearing blinkers rather than women wearing burkas.

yes, I agree. I am just depressed that some of us seem to be ready to shrug our shoulders and put up with this. I'm not. None of my male friends (yes, honestly!) would do this. Who are these men who think it's OK? Does anyone here think that their OH would do it?

Could we talk about something productive INSTEAD, like how to prepare our daughters for being sexually attractive? How to deal with unwanted attention including from the most creepy people? I don't want to go Samantha Brick here (boak), but it is an overwhelmingly change for females and how they relate to others.

DD is only 12 but there are glimmers of the gorgeous fox she is rapidly becoming and I don't quite know how to prepare her for it, either.

Its the entitlement that pisses me off. I can think of no circumstance in which I would shout out to a stranger what I thought of them physically yet a minority of men seem to think that this is perfectly acceptable thing for them to do. Its not just looking and anyone minimising it as that is naive.

I find it hard to believe that grown men would leer at a child in a sexual way while out with her mother.

Believe it Everlong! It happens all the time - I'm usually walking behind her as the pavements are narrow and she might be with a mate or my younger dd but trust me it happens - way too often unfortunately :-(

I can't believe that on a parenting site, there are people defending this and saying girls should just put up with it.

Girls should not have to put up with adult men leering at them. Men should behave appropriately.

I was always taught that old nuns' trick, "custody of the eyes". Which is to say, you always look down, away from them, never let yuor eyes focus on them, don't react.

Also, to walk confidently.

The one time I was in serious danger- I was trapped beside a canal with a flasher between me and the way home- I stood there, arms folded, looking at it him and waited. At the back of my mind was the option to jump into the canal. But I ddn't need to- the total lack of response and the silence put him off and he, ahem, vanished.

Let's not get silly here. Because some people are...

Wankers that sexually approach girls in their school uniform. Who knowingly groom underage girls. Who shout sexual comments at young girls (boys) in a park. These are sickos. These are a tiny tiny minority. Stop pretending it's the same as what OP is talking about.

Those who see a pretty face, and gawp a bit, or a stunning figure and gawp a bit. Oh so what. It's a fleeting glance, no ones been approached, and it's not a sexual deviant thing, it's a "she's nice/he's nice" 2 second look. Hang them why don't we.

I watch pretty girls too. And boys. It's nice to watch them. They interest me and I like their fashions.

Do I want to rip their clothes off and f* em? No. Get a grip. Looking or watching is not perving. Perving is very different. I'm not sure how I feel that that's your first or only thought.

My advice is tell them to stop looking at her. Tell then it is vile to objectify any woman and that she is 13 . Remind then that they are adults!

My very lovely 14 year old daughter has a woman's figure. She has recently gone from thick glasses to contact lenses at the weekend. It is like she has flicked a switch or something, she is hassled everywhere; in the cinema queue; bowling; on the train. She comes home really fed up with tales of 18 or 20 year old men trying to engage her in conversation, talking about the band on her T shirt for instance, "here love, let me look at your T shirt".
Thing is she is very obviously just a pretty child. At DD1's recent party none of the 18 year old lads mistook her for anything but the little sister. She is normally in jeans, T shirt and hoody, and I have seen older lads checking her out from behind and glancing away completely uninterested when they see her face and realise she is young. The men approaching her are doing it very calculatedly.

I watch pretty girls too. And boys. It's nice to watch them. They interest me and I like their fashions.

Do I want to rip their clothes off and f em? No. Get a grip. Looking or watching is not perving. Perving is very different. I'm not sure how I feel that that's your first or only thought.

This.