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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men looking at my 13year old daughter

387 replies

marmitenot · 21/10/2013 12:21

I went out with my 13 yr old dd yesterday and a couple of her friends. My daughter, although very pretty (doesn't get it from me!), is clearly a young teen and yet men (old and young) were leering over her and distinctly 'checking her out'.

The looks they were giving my daughter made me extremely uncomfortable and really cross.

AIBU to expect men to control themselves around children?

OP posts:
BasilBabyEater · 23/10/2013 19:47

"I've been "looked at" nicely. That sort of "looking" involves a big, warm smile and a "Hel-LO!" - it's non-threatening, it's appreciative, it makes you feel like a million bucks."

Not me. I don't get my validation from random men approving of my appearance enough to smile at me and say hello. I don't need male approval to feel like a million bucks.

I think eye contact and nod of acknowledgement is fine and that happens with both males and females in normal life. Anything more is intrusion which may or may not be welcomed and if there is any doubt that your intrusion might be welcome, as a reasonable adult, you don't risk it.

I almost sent a colleague a supportive e-mail about something very personal yesterday. Then I thought the better of it. She may feel intruded upon. I want to wish her well, but the risk of offending her or making her feel a bit ick, is enough for me not to share my unsolicited supportive feelings with her. Her privacy takes precedence over my feelings. Because I don't have the sense of entitlement so many men have, to intrude upon another human being's thoughts and space (as long as that human being is female or a child, of course. They don't enthusiastically greet other men, they just nod politely).

StainlessSteelBegonia · 23/10/2013 19:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

McFox · 23/10/2013 20:00

DH and I noticed this recently when we took our 13 year old niece out for the day. She's all of a sudden grown these massive boobs on a skinny wee frame and the amount of men in their 40s/50s blatantly staring at her was unbelievable. Totally disgusting, what's wrong with them? She is very clearly young, has a real baby face. DH spent the whole day growling at them. He's now praying that my bump is a boy, don't know if he could handle this with a daughter!

ColderThanAWitchsTitty · 23/10/2013 20:12

I suspect they didn't see her face to see it was a baby face mcfox Angry

Just a pair of disembodied boobs there for the oggling

NoComet · 24/10/2013 14:07

Trouble is I am not lying, I can't remember ever being afraid to walk down the street or into a pub on my own.

From the day I was born I believed I had as much right to be on this earth as any man, I preferred 'boys subjects at school and generally got better marks. It just never crossed my mind that men were something to be afraid of.

Non of this is to suggest in any way street harassment doesn't exist and that I don't worry about what my DDs will (and in DD1's case may already experience).

DD1 is just like me she loves wandering round towns and cities on her own, no way would she share any tales that are likely to worry me or, more likely, DH. In any case she gets so much shit of all kinds at school a bit more probably doesn't register.

BasilFucker · 24/10/2013 14:15

How do you think your description of your reactions to men's entitled behaviour vis a vis women address the issue of it starballbunny?

It's very nice that you've gone through life in a cocoon of obliviousness about men's behaviour but most women don't. Most women notice it to some extent or other, they get angry/ scared etc. about it when they're teenagers and by the time they get to their twenties, they've got used to it and to a large extent, many women simply don't notice it anymore and deny that it's actually a problem.

But men are still doing it, however we as women react to it. And the issue isn't how we react to it, it's why the fuck do they feel entitled to do it.

Beastofburden · 24/10/2013 14:22

I absolutely love being so old that I am invisible to men. I can recommend being 50-something. Now if I get a smile from a stranger it's because of something I actually do.

You don't realise how oppressive it was until they stop it.

FreudiansSlipper · 24/10/2013 14:23

i have travelled on my own, lived in other countries nothing has stopped me doing things or trying to because i am a woman

but i am well aware even if i or my family/friend think i am equal to a man in society i am not and even less so in a country i have lived in

i will be judged more in so many aspects of life and more is placed on the importance of how i look, how attractive others find me simply because i have a vagina

FreudiansSlipper · 24/10/2013 14:24

i am actually a happier person, more true to myself now i feel i am judged less on my looks i like myself more

elskovs · 24/10/2013 14:28

Being "looked at" has never bothered me. I don't notice it often, if I do its usually because Ive gone out of my way to be noticed and worn an eye-catching outfit - on a night out for example. In that situation being looked at is the aim.

Heartbrokenmum73 · 24/10/2013 14:52

Elskovs and your point would be...?

We're not talking about people who aim to get 'looked at', we're talking grown men leching over young girls.

Devora · 24/10/2013 17:10

beastofburden - yes! I remember my mother mourning the fact that once she hit 40 she became invisible. I have to say it has been, overall, a great relief for me. There are downsides to being a middle-aged woman (not least that apparently your only value to society is how you take care of other people) but out on the street, it is wonderful to just walk along without having to contend with the stares and comments of random men, to walk past a building site without that slight tensing up.

BasilFucker · 24/10/2013 20:33

Yes it's funny how you some women have internalised the constant sexual harassment so much, that they miss it when it's not there anymore.

goldopals · 25/10/2013 09:00

I have never personally experienced (or perhaps not noticed it) leering from men. I am slim, and reasonably attractive, but have never got it.

whatever5 · 25/10/2013 10:34

I've noticed a lot of men in their early 20s and teenage boys looking at my 13 year old dd (who looks 14 or 15) appreciatively but I haven't noticed any older men leering at her.

This thread has made me wonder if it happens a lot when I'm not there though. I hope not as I used to really hate the leering and suggestive comments when I was a younger teenager. It was sometimes very intimidating and made me self conscious.

ConsideringTheFuture · 25/10/2013 10:46

I'm the same as a pp. I am slim, fairly attractive etc. I have never noticed men 'leering' in general. I have noticed men looking sometimes. It's completely different.

I look if an attractive man catches my eye. Many women probably do. I have 'looked' at 13 year old boys. Usually thinking something along the lines of 'he'll be a heartbreaker in a few years'. I have never leered at a 13 year old boy though.

What's to say adult men who look at 13 year old girls aren't just thinking that they're pretty? There doesn't always have to be a pervy or sexual agenda to every glance.

curlew · 25/10/2013 10:49

It's as if feminism never happened............

ConsideringTheFuture · 25/10/2013 10:51

Is that to me curlew?

VenusDeWillendorf · 25/10/2013 11:23

Snap Kerala,

My experience of men is that they are sex mad as dogs, and from senior professors, and deans in uni, to lowly kitchen porters, and commuters, they've all had a grope at me. But then I'm very good looking, apparently.

I know they look at my dd, but she's really stunning, and everyone from grannies to babies look at her. I hope she's perfected her withering look by the time she's 13.

You have my sympathy OP, men are really disgusting dogs sometimes.

Backinthering · 25/10/2013 11:26

I don't think all men are disgusting dogs at all. Sadly, some do leer at underage children. These are indeed disgusting.

BasilFucker · 25/10/2013 11:30

"What's to say adult men who look at 13 year old girls aren't just thinking that they're pretty? There doesn't always have to be a pervy or sexual agenda to every glance."

Some adult men do look at 13 year old girls and just absently think they are pretty and no leering goes on at all.

But the OP isn't talking about them. She's talking about the leery ones.

2tiredtoScare · 25/10/2013 12:05

There are tons of leery men, thats not to say that all men are leery.

Original poster
marmitenot · 25/10/2013 12:16

I am glad I came back to this thread as initially I thought most posters were living on a different planet to me. Now there seem to be many more posters who have experienced the leering of men over young women and girls.

I have been out with my daughter and seen the 'nice' looks - the ones where you see a pretty child and smile. These looks aren't the issue - they are unobtrusive and don't threaten.

The looks I am getting angry about are men sexually appraising women and girls - in this case a 13 year old girl. It terrifies me for when she is in public on her own or with a group of her friends.

My experience was that this sort of behaviour towards me started at about the age of 14 and stopped in my early 20's. That makes me think that the vulnerability of the victim/recipient is the very important to the men who do it.

OP posts:
2tiredtoScare · 25/10/2013 12:22

You know what you know iyswim but its frustratingly hard to prove and it doesn't help when dozens tell you you are getting the wrong end of the stick

Bexicles · 25/10/2013 12:58

I had a lot of unwanted attention in my teenage years, it got to the point where I ended up sticking two fingers up at the letch or asking "Stop staring at me please?" It did seem to work, they are obviously expecting passivity. It did make my skin crawl. I feel for your DD OP.