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AIBU?

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Original poster

Men looking at my 13year old daughter

387 replies

marmitenot · 21/10/2013 12:21

I went out with my 13 yr old dd yesterday and a couple of her friends. My daughter, although very pretty (doesn't get it from me!), is clearly a young teen and yet men (old and young) were leering over her and distinctly 'checking her out'.

The looks they were giving my daughter made me extremely uncomfortable and really cross.

AIBU to expect men to control themselves around children?

OP posts:
SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 21/10/2013 12:47

My brother got shouted at for talking to a 14 year old. The girls mum called him a perve and she was going to phone the police because he was obviously after the young ones.

My brother was in fact 14. I have also had a go at 18 year olds for asking for his number.

I don't know if men were leering at your daughter but the odd man might.

It isn't in a mans DNA to leer.

I must admit to perving on men older than me though

SamG76 · 21/10/2013 12:48

YABU - maybe a niqab would improve the situation....

ButThereAgain · 21/10/2013 12:49

YANBU, marmitenot. I would have felt like decking them. Amazed at the range of views on this thread, especially the idea that men are so enslaved to their hormones that they just can't be expected to restrain themselves from the kind of looking that clearly indicates a sexual motive. That view isn't so very far removed from the idea that girl children ought to cover up to spare men the effort of self-control.

Crowler · 21/10/2013 12:50

My husband isn't a paedo so if I saw him looking at a very pretty young girl, I would assume that he was just thinking "what a pretty girl" and then moving along. I look at very pretty young girls and think "what a pretty girl" and move along. I think one must recognize that it's normal for people to look at pretty people, and a lot of the time it's absolutely not sexual.

To put a finer point on it, the split-second longer that people spend looking at pretty people is simply the burden of beauty.

This is quite different from leering.

NoComet · 21/10/2013 12:51

Xpost if she still looks like a child leerng is out of order, but I doubt they were leering.

I've never actually seen a man leer

Looking her up and down and trying to decide who old she is yes. Leering Hmm

I fear OP it's time to accept one day very soon your DD will be a young woman and leering 30year olds won't be the problem.

obviouslyneedsupernanny · 21/10/2013 12:51

I can't believe people are saying there is nothing wrong with just looking. They obviously were looking in an inappropriate way and that is definitely not right.

SugarHut · 21/10/2013 12:52

It's always happened. It will always happen. We got stared at. Our DCs will get stared at. Their DCs will get stared at.

Whilst you can get a bit "grrrr" when it's at your own DC, chances are, whilst you might still find this inappropriate, is that one/two/loads of chaps will look a way that they think, "wowsers, she's got amazing legs" they don't even necessarily think about the age. Then in the same split second, they're over it, and looking at the next girl across this street thinking "wowsers, she looks like Cameron Diaz."

The notion that they looked, assessed the age, determined she was a minor, then had some creepy sexual notion, just isn't what goes through their heads.

Yeah, it might be a pain in the ass, but it's reality and human nature. Your DC is not the first and sure won't be the last.

HeeHiles · 21/10/2013 12:54

My daughter is 13 and she looks 13 but these perves who leer at her aren't looking at her face - which is how they miss she is only a child - they are too busy looking at her body - it makes me sick if I walk behind her and grown men look back to check her out - In front of me they nudge each other and nod at my daughter - They are not checking out a nice view ffs they are leering at a child and it happens often - Hate it but rarely confront as I don't want to embarrass my dd or end up being punched in my face - but I agree OP it's sickening.

fromparistoberlin · 21/10/2013 12:56

Its gross
it happended to us, and it will happen to our DD

get her a t-shirt saying "fuck off you pead I am only 13"

short of that??? what else can you do???

SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 21/10/2013 12:56

onvious how do you know they were obviously looking in an inappropriate way? No one knows

2tired4internets · 21/10/2013 12:58

I think many men leer at very young girls not because of biological reasons only but because they feel entitled to do so, to stare and objectify anything female. And children are more harmless and so less daunting leering and harassment targets.

ThisIsBULLSHIT · 21/10/2013 12:58

YANBU I have recently noticed men staring at my dd who is 11. She is a very tall 11 and has very long thick hair so possibly could pass for 13 or 14. I still don't like it though.

I have no idea if it is sexual staring or whatever but it has only just started happening and it makes me uncomfortable as she has absolutely no clue whatsoever about how to deflect that kind of attention.
I think I need to tell her!

HeeHiles · 21/10/2013 12:58

To put a finer point on it, the split-second longer that people spend looking at pretty people is simply the burden of beauty

Its not a split second glance - is leering - long looks over her body and then turning around to check her out from behind - The knowing glances, the smug look that says 'I know what I want to do to her' Really horrible and it happens to my dd a lot - men in their 20's and 30's and older yuck it makes my skin crawl!

kerala · 21/10/2013 12:59

YANBU it is sickening and don't understand the defenders on this thread have they not had it done to them? As a young teen its unsettling and unpleasant you are still assessing your place in the world and I used to find it really uncomfortable and degrading being leered at (which I was a lot and grabbed). Urrggh. Glad I am nearly 40 and over the worst of it!

Not looking forward to DD2 reaching puberty she is already very pretty anyone got tips for how to give the girls the strength to not let it bother them?

BOOsterseat · 21/10/2013 13:00

It's always happened. It will always happen

Trying.not.to.bite.

Fuck it i will bite.

When are we going to realise we aren't fucking cavemen and we are capable of a higher level of consciousness that enables us to not assess every child on their potential fuckabilty? Or is it just how men are wired?

How many more excuses are people going to make for people who are trying to intimidate young women in the street? If i started looking up and down a 14 y/o boy in the street what kind of reaction would I receive? Or because i don't have testicles do I not understand the sexual draw of teenagers?

Beastofburden · 21/10/2013 13:01

very low opinion of men here. I thought the reason we don't ask girls and women to wear the veil when they go out, is that we have reasonable expectations of our men, and think they can be trusted not to perve people in the street? Are we really saying that those countries that say, keep her in a burka, men are pigs, are actually right?

FlapJackOLantern · 21/10/2013 13:01

They obviously were looking in an inappropriate way and that is definitely not right.

Well, perhaps all males should be TAUGHT how to 'look', with sever punishment if they get it wrong. Let's start the lessons at primary school, shall we?

2tired4internets · 21/10/2013 13:07

I don't think these men are neccessary acting like cavemen. We do not know the preferences of cavemen. I think they were probably more into strong healthy adult women who could survive childbirth.

I think at least part of the leering problem comes from a "modern" patriarchal sense of entitlement. And porn. And perhaps a pathetic belief that grown women are scary but small girls aren't.

Quangle · 21/10/2013 13:07

Agree with Booster and Beastofburden.

As for all the rubbish about "people like to look at pretty people" - it wasn't women looking at the OP's DD, or other children looking. And I haven't seen a post about women staring at a poster's attractive 13 year old son. Because it doesn't happen that way.

OP noticed because it was inappropriate levels of looking. It's inappropriate and yes we should expect more.

HappyHalloweenMollyHooper · 21/10/2013 13:08

Leering is a very obvious and deliberate thing, it's not in away like having a look or even staring at someone.

When you are a 13yo child and group of adult men are directing it at you it is very intimidating.

I can't believe people are excusing it as human nature, it's insulting to the rest of the non-knuckle dragging, evolved men who actually respect women and view them as a little more than body parts.

HeeHiles · 21/10/2013 13:08

It's always happened. It will always happen. We got stared at. Our DCs will get stared at. Their DCs will get stared at.

So we can't educate our sons to realise this behaviour is unacceptable? That ogling young girls bodies without looking at their face to see how old they are is OK is it?
I don't walk along the road ogling young boys and then turning back to check out their buns! It's unacceptable and wrong and abusive - they are treating my dd as a sex object - a play thing - ugh! Horrid

Quangle · 21/10/2013 13:08

Well, perhaps all males should be TAUGHT how to 'look', with sever punishment if they get it wrong. Let's start the lessons at primary school, shall we?

I think you were being sarcastic flap but society should have severe punishments for men who leer over young girls. And people should understand from an early age that girls and women are not objects to be leered over.

kerala · 21/10/2013 13:09

"very low opinion of men here" well yes but based purely on my own experiences. Not intellectually analysing it but between the ages of say 13 and 23 I received a huge amount of (to me) negative attention:

Flashed at
Shouted at
Cars slowing down
Arse grabbed
Abuse shouted from cars
Obscene suggestion from middle aged man whilst I was eating my lunch in park on my own
Pervy boss sending me obscene postcards
Staring hard and so on and on. Don't want my daughters having the same experiences as they go about their daily business but havent seen that much as changed...

HexU · 21/10/2013 13:09

I've never actually seen a man leer

I'm not a looker - but having DD breast by 13/14, and way bigger now, I can tell you it's deeply unpleasant when you are leered at. I also felt kinda dirty and like it was my fault.

Looking is is different - less obvious is just part of that.

Leering is objectifying - and I supposed often focused on body.

Most men don't leer - just as most men manage to talk to my face. The small minority stand out.

cantspel · 21/10/2013 13:09

women do look at attractive 13/14/15 year old boys.

I have a very attractive 15 year old male relative. He is over 6 ft with a six pack but still the face of a 15 year old and i saw plenty of women checking him out on the beach this summer.

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