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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men looking at my 13year old daughter

387 replies

marmitenot · 21/10/2013 12:21

I went out with my 13 yr old dd yesterday and a couple of her friends. My daughter, although very pretty (doesn't get it from me!), is clearly a young teen and yet men (old and young) were leering over her and distinctly 'checking her out'.

The looks they were giving my daughter made me extremely uncomfortable and really cross.

AIBU to expect men to control themselves around children?

OP posts:
TheGhostofAmandaClarke · 21/10/2013 14:16

What closingeveryhour said.

MoominMammasHandbag · 21/10/2013 14:19

As I say, I never really suffered from this as a girl and I have been really quite shocked at the perving after my daughters. I wonder if the people dismissing this as innocent lack first hand experience.

TheGhostofAmandaClarke · 21/10/2013 14:20

The highest risk age for sexual assault/ abduction for same is around 12 yrs old.
Leering and glancing are not the same. It is at best naive to think the op is mistaken about the nature of these men's looks.

StainlessSteelBegonia · 21/10/2013 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2tired4internets · 21/10/2013 14:22

closingeveryhour, good post. It's intimidating to be leered at and the one doing it knows.
I think the leering and street harassment which is a very gendered problem is an obvious sign of unequality.

So yes, how to deal with it? It's going to be difficult for a lone 12 year old girl to say something to a scary-looking adult man or group of men for example.

The best way would of course be to prevent it from happening as much as possible, but that would require those men to have different values.

HeeHiles · 21/10/2013 14:26

So what are the strategies we should teach our daughters

Moomin my dd and her mates made me laugh the other day - a few of them were chatting with a friend at a bus stop - one of them noticed a man checking out her friend - She loudly said 'Ugh that old man was looking at your butt!' They all reposnded 'Ugh who him? That old man? Ugh that's disgusting' - all together very loudly 'Who him tearing across the road in the white jacket?' yeah ugh'....and so on - made me laugh Grin

bigTillyMint · 21/10/2013 14:28

HeeHilesGrin

Catchhimatwhat · 21/10/2013 14:29

I don't understand how so many women here don't seem to have experienced this. It's not just looking.

SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 21/10/2013 14:31

I haven't experienced it because I dont look for men looking at me. I walk around in my bubble. I don't notice what other people are doing

kiriwawa · 21/10/2013 14:33

I think one thing we can do is teach them that it's not acceptable. That actually we take it seriously and that it's not okay for men to do that.

Grennie · 21/10/2013 14:36

It is not just looking, it is leering. And I don't know how other women haven't noticed men doing this to teenage girls either.

SPsTombRaidingWithCliff · 21/10/2013 14:37

I don't notice leering either. I don't go around watching what men are doing.

HexU · 21/10/2013 14:39

I don't understand how so many women here don't seem to have experienced this.

Denial, not noticing, lucky?

Though in my very early 20's I was in London a lot visiting boyfriend - never very far from him and was dressed conservatively but god never had so much unwanted leering and comments anywhere else.

So maybe the quantify varies across different areas ?

elskovs · 21/10/2013 14:39

It cant be BOTH - she cant look like a pre-pubescent child AND have blokes openly slobbering over her regularly.. I just don't believe it.

The VAST majority of men don't have any interest in children. Those who do are likely to go out of their way to hide it.

DuckToWater · 21/10/2013 14:39

YANBU for feeling uncomfortable about it, OP.

I think it's ok for men to look - just look, but not stare, check out, cat call, comment or otherwise make other people feel uncomfortable. And the cat calling or making someone feel uncomfortable goes for any age or gender.

I can still remember that feeling of puzzlement and shock at male sexual attention from the age of 12. Later on, probably 17+ I felt a kind of pleasure from it as well, feeling sexually powerful somehow, but of course the negative attention was never welcome in any way.

AndYouCanDance · 21/10/2013 14:40

YANBU.

I was walking our dog once with 14-year-old DD and a 'man' leaned out his car window and almost crashed his car, staring at her open-mouthed. It was very disturbing.

I pulled a finger sign.

HexU · 21/10/2013 14:42

I don't go around watching what men are doing.

That the point - I don't nor do I think I every dressed or behaviored in way to encourage it but when it happens some of them make it bloody hard not to spot and then there are often accompanying comments.

Mumsyblouse · 21/10/2013 14:42

I haven't experienced it because I dont look for men looking at me. I walk around in my bubble. I don't notice what other people are doing it's not just looking though, is it? I have certainly had quite a few comments and whistles over the years, leering through white vans, the odd hand-gesture. This is not because I am amazingly attractive, it's because I am slim and reasonably normal looking. I used to hate walking past a building site for that reason- nowadays (as I am older) I get less of this attention, but even the other day I was in Sainsbury's and a really horrid man started winking at me and looking at me round the shop- so I said 'what are you looking at?' in an aggressive way because I just don't want some twit following me round a shop trying to intimidate me.

In this instance, the OP can see men looking at her daughter- are you implying it is her fault for looking?!

FreudiansSlipper · 21/10/2013 14:42

your poor dd. I think the answer is to confront those leering but not sure I would have at 13

I am glad young women and girls are taught to be more assertive. I remember getting a lot of negative attention, flashing, touching it was very upsetting at times when I was young but as soon as I was confident enough to stand up to these perverted me they seemed to sense that and leave me alone

And what rubbish it is in men's DNA these men know or guess when they will get away with leering that is why they do it

Mumsyblouse · 21/10/2013 14:46

I don't notice leering either. I don't go around watching what men are doing.

What, you never notice what other members of the public are doing? Or you actively don't make eye contact or ever look at men (how do you know they are men then if they are coming towards you?) I don't believe anyone who says they never look at men - what even at a party? at work? It's just not plausible to never make eye contact with men and if you do, you may risk being stared at. Even at work in staff meetings, one of my older male colleagues used to stare at the women's breasts during the whole meeting, we used to remark on it afterwards. Perhaps this is our fault for looking at him?

Perhaps due to circumstances you haven't encountered many leery or staring men. But I don't want to walk around with my head down and not ever looking at 50% of the population in case they then intimidate me or make me feel uncomfortable, what a weird (and victim-blaming suggestion)?

Kendodd · 21/10/2013 14:51

You know, I do think it is human nature for men to look at attractive women/girls, hooking up with people is what makes the world go round and there is a time and a place for this.

But, that is not in the street, with a child. A man might want to stare at a child/women but they don't have to do this, men are responsible for their own actions and have complete control over everything they do and say, they are choosing to to this and I am shocked by how many people think it's ok.

If I saw somebody with a facial disfigurement in the street my natural impulse would be to stare, I don't do this though because it's rude, disrespectful and would make the person uncomfortable. Why is it ok to leer (and I do know the difference between that and a look) at children or even grown women for that matter.

HexU · 21/10/2013 14:52

It cant be BOTH - she cant look like a pre-pubescent child

The OP is talking about a 13 year old.

At 13 I had large breast and curvy hips and I wasn't the only one though I was clearly by face and behaviors a young teen.

Yes it can be incredible hard to work out ages especially as many teenagers do 'dress' to look older. Actually dress can confuse age judging a lot.

Yet personally even as an adult I haven't had the personality to enjoy strangers leering at me and would have preferred men not to do it as it made me feel uncomfortable and threatened.

aintnothinbutagstring · 21/10/2013 14:55

I'd say, 'has nobody ever told you its rude to stare?'.

I can't can't stand staring of any form, be it man, woman, sexual or non-sexual, it is RUDE and makes the person on the receiving end feel uncomfortable, if you're someone that does it, DON'T!

humphryscorner · 21/10/2013 14:56

I had it when I was a teenager and it made me feel uncomfortable when walking past, I noticed it was happening to my DD from the age of 13 although admittedly she looked older - but that is no excuse.

We were walking past a pub and grown men 30+ were stood outside smoking, the turned around and visibly stood and leered. It gave me the rage. She was in her school uniform. I did say something along the lines of 'had a good look, you pervert?' to the amusement of them.

It worrys me so much now she is old enough to go socialising in the evening, to pubs,clubs ect... Ive told her not to make eye contact with some one that is looking at her as even negative attention is attention to some of these freaks.

Normal real men do not leer at children. Its unacceptable for a man to make a woman/teenager feel uncomfortable.

the in their DNA comment is rubbish as funnily enough it didn't happen when she was with her 6,2 father....

FreudiansSlipper · 21/10/2013 14:57

I wonder if a gay man was leering at young men or boys he would be excused I very much doubt it there would be no talk of it being in his DNA, he would be called a perv but for a hetrosexual man to leer at young women or girls it is only natural he can not help it Hmm