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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I overreacting? (Porn related)

232 replies

Bumpkin2 · 17/10/2013 20:55

I found the search history of what my OH has been youtubing a couple of days ago and was pretty horrified by what I found, but I'm really not sure if I'm over reacting or not so need some impartial advice!

There were lots along the lines of "sexy teen erotic dancing" I'm not overly happy at the thought of him looking up porn, but it's the teen part that's really bothering me. He's nearly 40 and I just find that disturbing. He'd have been looking it up in the middle of the night, probably while I was in the middle of a night feed (9 month baby) and that bothers me too for some reason.

He knows I've found it but as DD was ill we've not spoken any more than that. I was actually looking up an episode of Postman Pat to comfort her when I found it!

Whenever I talk to him about anything he's doing at the moment he says I'm over reacting and I think I've lost confidence in my own opinions. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive.

I know the opinion of porn in relationships varies greatly, but it's really the teen part that I'm wondering about here. I've only seen the youtube history so not sure what else he's been looking up but I can only presume it's along the same lines.

Thanks

OP posts:
2tired4internets · 21/10/2013 12:53

It's as if the idea that sex sells is some sort of ideology and there's no need to even attempt to sell anything else.
Agree. And the "sex" that is sold is not any kind of sex, it's images of objectified young women only isn't it. Not for example images of men or old gay couples or something.

TheKnightsWhoSayNi · 21/10/2013 12:57

Have you seen the images of Justin Beiber half naked going around? I can't think of as many examples, but it's really the same thing.

2tired4internets · 21/10/2013 13:01

No I haven't. Is Bieber treated the same way as his fellow female artists?

lottieandmia · 21/10/2013 13:46

I've read some stuff about how Macaulay Culkin was treated when he was a child. And others.

TheKnightsWhoSayNi · 21/10/2013 13:49

I'm not really a follower of mordern pop, so I can't answer that for definite. But appearing topless and girls screaming about him with posters all over the place says to me it may be so.

Plus, many of the women are older. I know Rhianna is 27, which is a bit better than the affore mentioned Miley. The others whose name's I know are a bit older, but as I said I don't follow pop so I don't even know what most of them look like. I don't know any orthers that are actually really young at the moment.

Yetanotherrandomman · 22/10/2013 07:01

Knights,

At the risk of seeming terse, I'm not "getting at" anything other than what I said. Once again, I do not have a subtext or a hidden agenda. My point is that it is quite normal for a man to find someone who is within teenage years sexy.

At the risk of labouring the point, I will comment again that a man who finds girls in their early teens sexy has definately got issues.

The relevance of all this is that the OP's partner was looking up videos of "sexy teen erotic dancing" on Youtube. I doubt that involves anyone (looking) younger than 18, given that we are talking about Youtube. Now, if I were the OP, I would certainly be upset by this. However, I think it is quite inaccurate to imply from this that the OP's partner has unusual tastes. For example, according to this research, quote "most people looking for sexually explicit material online search for "youth"". Now, obviously some of those people will, I suppose, be youths themselves - but plenty won't be.

I'm afraid that I think people are expressing a more realistic view on this thread.

TheKnightsWhoSayNi · 22/10/2013 08:36

I think I've seen most of that research before now. I also saw something that said that about half of all viewing of porn is by 14-17 year olds, it was in a news article after Cameron was trying to bring in those new laws recently. I can't find that right now.

The point that "teenage" is a very broad term is well taken. It could mean 18-19, or it could mean 13-15, yes. Different kettles of fish as they say.

I don't use YouTube much, but I thought it was popular with school age children? Which is the point we were making to make this category less broad and try to explain what is going on. On YouTube, he is more likely to find actual underage teenagers rather than the 18-25 "teen" porn. On what basis do you think it doesn't involve under 18s?

I suppose the only way to know for sure is for someone to do the search on YouTube and see what comes up. I'd rather not, personally.

anon2013 · 22/10/2013 08:52

Has Bumpkin ever come back?

Flicktheswitch · 22/10/2013 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grennie · 22/10/2013 09:05

Just did the youtube search using OPs DP words. And lots of videos of actual young teens in their bedroom dancing "sexily" wearing "sexy" clothes.

Pan · 22/10/2013 18:53

" My point is that it is quite normal for a man to find someone who is within teenage years sexy. "

You see Yet, I don't think it is 'normal' for men outside of the age range, there are multiple factors which 'should' lead to sexual attraction to be "age appropriate". It's my suddenly-developed theory that IF you have had 'satisfactory' sexual relations with girls of that age then in your head you move on. In fact one of the powerful predictors for sexual misconduct with young people by older men (usually) is the absence of healthy interaction at that age. Otherwise there is a residue of attachment.

Pan · 22/10/2013 19:08

and fwiw I did check the linked thread and no, I don't think it's "realistic" outside of those blokes who may wish to establish the leering as 'normal'. It appears to be 'normal' for a number of men, but that doesn't convert to 'normal' for most men as your statement implies.

Grennie · 22/10/2013 19:12

The older men I have known who routinely go out with very young women, are always total inadequates who would struggle having a relationship with a woman their own age. It is about power. And I suspect it is the same dynamic here.

doormat · 22/10/2013 19:21

i found loads of porn on pc ..that dh thought i wouldnt find

not that i went looking, but the idiot didnt know what search history was

i tore him a new arsehole

it is demeaning to me as a wife and a sexual partner but also because tbh i am abit of a nympho ( well was at the time)

and to search for teens...pfft ..anything legal 16 to ninetten ..not 20..

its disgusting

JenaiMorris · 22/10/2013 20:13

I know I'm missing the point of the AIBU, but why are people looking at each others' search/browsing histories?

YANBU OP, btw.

Pan · 22/10/2013 20:20

yes, I agree Jenai. It's no way to live. It's the equivalent of opening each others mail, in the olden days, IF you think there is something 'dodgy'. It must be really tiring if you want to test your partner regularly.

JenaiMorris · 22/10/2013 20:34

YY, Pan

We each (the three of us) have different accounts. Obviously I cast an eye over ds's online activity here and there (him being 13) but I'd as likely log on to the PC as DP as I'd open his post. And vice versa.

Is that odd? Confused

Pan · 22/10/2013 20:39

The thing about 'testing' people is that you will never be satisfied with a 'negative' result. And so the search goes on, until you find what you instinctively 'knew'.
I 'tested' once, and felt really grubby for it. Not for what I may have found but because I did it in the first place. It's a short dark cul-de-sac, imo.

doormat · 22/10/2013 21:13

there are many reasons why ppl go through search histories like finding a page you previously visited..

or is that being unreasonable too

not all of us mistrust or snoop, check msgs etc..

gobsmacked me when i found it..it hurt..never had an inkling

do i check now ... nope cant be arsed

hopefully he seen the hurt, anger and betrayal i felt

JenaiMorris · 22/10/2013 21:57

doormat, that sounds horrible.

Hope you're ok.

I wouldn't stumble over dp's browsing history though, because our browsing histories are entirely separate - we share a PC but with different log ins. I think we might be unusual in that though Confused

doormat · 22/10/2013 23:08

yes jenai ..that is unusual..neither dh or i are pc savvy iykwim .... and i use search history alot as i am thick lol ..and yes it was horrible ..still is..but so be it..cant change it x

TheKnightsWhoSayNi · 23/10/2013 08:56

We don't bother with different accounts on the internet. In our house, it's pretty much open the browser and use. Search histories do just appear when you use it, previously viewed stuff comes up when you type in search bar or the URL.

On the other hand, it would look mighty suspicious if you erased your search history and nothing came up. I suppose you could selectively erase your browsing history, but I don't know how to do that in a search history.

As for mail, we usually don't open each others mail here. But we both do occasionally if it's an obvious one, or sometimes just by complete accident. No one really cares as the only mail we get is either someone telling us how much money they want or someone else telling us how little we have.

DixonBainbridge · 23/10/2013 09:11

but he is doing it while she is night feeding his baby!
It just seems so disrespectful to me.

As opposed to doing it when? When would be acceptable then?

DixonBainbridge · 23/10/2013 09:13

We all have separate logins in our house, stops us opening other peoples email, having 4 peoples favourites saved in the browser etc.

DW knows my password anyway, I don't need/want to know hers.

I honestly thought everyone did it like that - the thought of everyone using the same pc/laptop makes my skin crawl (but I do come from an IT type background).....

DixonBainbridge · 23/10/2013 09:13

Sorry - I meant "same login on the pc/Laptop"