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AIBU?

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Original poster

School banning party invites unless...

213 replies

Sparklymommy · 15/10/2013 08:53

The whole class is invited. How ridiculous! What about if your in a school with three classes for each year group? Do you have to invite the whole year group?!?!

Currently organising a disco for my four children and they have got the invite list down to 66. That's NOT inviting everyone, just the children they want to come. And I'm sure a few extras will be added before the actual day. If we had to invite everyone then that would be the WHOLE SCHOOL plus lots from the dance school. I'm mad, but not completely gaga!

OP posts:
fortheloveofmike · 16/10/2013 13:05

The teachers put invites into book bags and we've never had issues.. my ds doesnt get invited to all the parties but thats life!!
Most of the mums ive spoken to all agree and we all understand that our children all invite who they want and none if us are offended. We're all grown ups after all Smile

Worried123456 · 16/10/2013 13:26

When I was an NQT, many hundreds of years ago-I was asked to give our a big wadge of invitations to my Y1 class. Two parents had joined together to do a joint party for two of the girls in the class and had invited every child in the class except two boys. The boys were utterly distraught and went out in floods of tears. They had no idea why they were the only ones without a yellow envelope with balloons on and kept asking me where their one was. I had to to explain the situation to them and then again to their parents as I had to explain why they were so upset.

I didn't think too much about it at the time-I was just sad for them, but now, as an experienced teacher and parent, I'm cross they put me (and those boys) in that situation. It really wasn't anything to do with me and I should never have been involved :(

Slipshodsibyl · 16/10/2013 14:34

My children's school did this. The birthday child could hand out invitations for the whole class or just all the girls/boys, so that there was a clear gender divide and no personal hurt. I thought it was wonderful. I also think it is fine to ask those on a child's 'table' only. But the whole table must be asked.

The bewilderment and hurt at not being invited is palpable on the faces of parents as well as children and I cannot understand how any parent can think this acceptable.

It will not stop some horrible parents from continuing to bring up their children to ignore the feelings of others, but it does send a very clear message that the school does not approve which is very valuable. Good for that school and I am utterly astounded that so many people think it wrong.

pigletmania · 16/10/2013 14:43

Oh worried that is just disgusting, yes I remember those invites with balloons in (I'm 36), the ones I never got Sad. From 4-11 years, I was only invited to 2 parties. I was the weird non academic kid, funny now I have a good MSc In psychology.

3birthdaybunnies · 16/10/2013 14:46

I actually disagree that all the boys or all the girls is acceptable. It is reinforcing stereotypes that boys and girls shouldn't play together. Both my girls now have friends who prefer to play with girls than boys - they either don't get invited to any parties or parties with boys whom they don't play with. Obviously we invite them but they get just as upset when all their friends are invited to a party and they don't because they have a penis. Rather I go by a rule of thumb of whole class or half the class or fewer.

3birthdaybunnies · 16/10/2013 14:50

I should have said is more acceptable - obviously however you do it some children may be upset if you only invite half the class, but to divide by gender can be just as hurtful. You don't need to invite everyone but don't call it fair if you just invite one gender.

hettienne · 16/10/2013 14:53

Seems totally reasonable to me. I'm surprised anyone thinks differently!

If you want the school/teacher to be involved in distributing invites, invite the whole class.

If you want to invite a select few, organise it yourself - give them to parents in the playground/post them/email/call.

What's the problem?

lainiekazan · 16/10/2013 14:54

Whole class? Whole table? How bizarre.

Tables are arranged according to... who knows what criteria, and a child shouldn't be forced to invite the whole eight pupils who they may never play with/speak to. Most parties we have had have been eight guests in total - and it would be a strange sort of party that consisted of an engineered group like that. I also agree that stating girls only or boys only - what tripe.

Slipshodsibyl · 16/10/2013 17:30

It is an engineered division but if the whole class cannot e catered for then the division is the least hurtful. I understand that it is stereotyping but if the reason for it is clear, then I consider it preferable to leaving out a small number of children. Anyway, by a certain age, many children have single gender parties by choice, though I accept by no means all.

Eight guests in total would be a small enough selection to be acceptable and not leaving out just a few children in most cases I guess, with invites issued away from the school gates

3birthdaybunnies · 16/10/2013 18:59

It's not an engineered division, just a lazy one. Why is it fairer for dd1 to invite 20 girls to her 9th birthday party, half of whom she never plays with, and leave out one of her good friends because he has a penis? Surely you would be less upset if a girl who you never plays with doesn't invite you than if a girl who is one of your best friends doesn't.

Slipshodsibyl · 16/10/2013 19:20

Well it was what the school requested. And while I agree that it might be clumsy or lazy, it had the desired effect: to make explicit to parents that in a community of, children, the actions of some parents was causing unnecessary distress to some children. And that the school and teachers found this kind of behaviour unacceptable and they were formalising their disapproval.

This was a primary school (international) of about 600 children and as far as I am aware, not a single one of the many teachers disagreed with the policy, despite its obvious imperfections. Lets be honest. It shouldn't have been necessary for them to do this had parents not caused sadness.

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 16/10/2013 20:57

I would have thought the whole class was the class that your child was actually in and not the othet two classes as well - obviously if there were 3 classes in that year group.

I am all for it. DD2's birthday is in March and we will be inviting the 23 children from her class because I cannot handle to utter heartache that comes with not getting an invite to a schoolmates birthday. My daughter has come in tears four times since she started school in August (only 8wks!) because she hasn't been invited to a party. She's not spoiled, she does understand that she can't get invited to every party but ffs mums, handing invitations out in front of 5yr old who isn't being invited is harsh and downright nasty imho - I wouldn't do that to their children so why can't they have a bloody heart and not do it to mine?! My poor DD is a lovely child through no fault of her own attending a school that she doesn't know anyone from nursery, but out school are happy to hand out a list with the whole class first names on for the purpose of invitations so that no child gets left out.

I completely understand if you are having a party at home and can only invite a couple of children, in which case maybe pulling their mum/grandparent/carer/whatever aside and handing them the invitation maybe at hometime or sending them into school (prior agreement with teacher) for teacher/helper to slip into bags for parents? At nursery last year a childs mum put the invites in brown envelopes (unappealing to children!) and marked them FAO X's mummy/daddy and the nursery were happy to hand them over and no children were knowingly left out.

and breathe

littleblackno · 16/10/2013 21:09

My dd has just taken in her party invites into school to hand out for her 6th party. She's only inviting 8 people. She goes to breakfast club and after school club 4 days a week and the other day I don't always drop off/ pick up. I don't know half of the people she's invited so no way of contacting their parents. How else is she supposed to invite her friends to her party? I offered her a party where the whole class were invited but she didn't want it (thank goodness). It's a hard lesson and i agree its cruel if only a couple have been left out but if it's the minority being invited then I don't see the problem really.

fluffypillow · 16/10/2013 21:16

My children have invited the whole class in the past, and the invitations have been given out in school. When they've had a smaller Birthday outing, then the invitations are given out discreetly, away from the classroom.

I feel that is cruel to 'rub childrens noses' in the fact that they are not invited to a party. Of course we can't always invite the whole class to parties, but there are kind ways of doing it, and downright mean ones.

A little thought goes a long way.

YABU op.

jellybeans · 16/10/2013 21:19

I always hand mine out to the parents by stealth so not to offend parent or child. I do soft play type parties and can only afford 10-14 guests. If I had bags of money i would invite more. Although i don't see why should invite children who are mean to/have bullied my child relentlessly. My son hasn't been invited to a few this year and he wasn't really bothered/didn't notice and usually the parent's were only having a few friends or at their house so numbers were limited.

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 16/10/2013 21:27

jellybeans this will be DDs first proper party and I have been putting the £6 away for the past 10wks...another 20 to go and I will have enough for 30 children to attend (23 class children, my 2 and 5 family children).

jellybeans · 16/10/2013 21:31

'Don't get the idea either that children should never have to have someone they don't want at their parties'

There is no way i would have had 2 boys to my party. One was extremely violent and racially abusive. Beat up my son on a daily basis at one point as well as picking on his (minor) disability. Invited all the kids to his party (including his brother) but not him BECAUSE of his disability which he told everyone including him about. Why then should we invite this child (child has no special needs other than behavioural). The other boy was also violent and racist (heartbreaking the things that were said) and bullied my sons. No way would he be welcome just to prove a point. However they were never the only ones not invited, we never invited more than 1/3 to 1/2 the class and it was always discreet through parents.

Floggingmolly · 16/10/2013 21:32

Aw, prettyplease, that's lovely; hope she has the time of her life Smile

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 16/10/2013 21:34

Thanks Floggingmolly I hope so too Grin

jellybeans · 16/10/2013 21:36

prettypleasewithsugarontop

Are you saying I should simply save up? I have 5 DC!! Along with uni fees and a huge list of commitments!!! In addition my DS only wants the people he plays with and that aren't 'mean' to him. As it is not excluding a small number of people I don't feel bad so long as i am discreet with the invites. As I said we only invite 10-14 maximum.

In addition many parties have size limits such as bowling, build a bear, go karting etc. It would be hundreds to pay for that.

In my experience with all 5 DC, most parents do not invite the whole class. That is a minority that tend to hire halls or swimming pools. It's not the sort of party everyone wants.

mameulah · 16/10/2013 21:41

Party invitations are post.

Take them to the post office.

I have, more than once, been on the wrong side of a parent for not prioritising the distribution of party invitations.

If you are happy to organise my post at your work then I will organise your post at my work.

IHaveA · 16/10/2013 21:46

My kids old school had this rule although it also allowed either EVERY boy or EVERY girl in the class.

I liked it. The parents association collected and distributed all the parents contact details at the beginning of term (you could opt out if you wanted)
So it was easy to invite whoever you wanted.

It's a much nicer way to do it rather than risk upsetting someone. This isn't a matter of protecting our special little snowflakes, it's just good manners to be discreet about invites whatever you age.

prettypleasewithsugarontop · 16/10/2013 21:47

jellybeans no I wasn't saying that at all; that's what I am doing. It's the only way I can afford to do it.

As you've said yourself, you are discreet when you hand the invites out. I completely understand only wanting or being able to have a small party, my issue was with the ones at my daughters school/other classes etc who are inviting most of the class and excluding a very small amount and doing it publicly. That's my beef Smile. It drove me nuts this mother shouting childrens names out at the top of stairs, 23 in the class (24 inc DD), she shouted out 20 childrens names, all of whom were in our class. It's so sad Sad

jellybeans · 16/10/2013 21:54

prettypleasewithsugarontopOh I see, I agree with you there, that is quite mean when it excludes just a couple/few so publicly. I have always been discrete as have my friends that do the same. I guess sadly there are always some that don't really think of others feelings.

JenaiMorris · 16/10/2013 21:57

The head in this story has been totally misrepresented. Still, why let the facts get in the way, and all that.