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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School banning party invites unless...

213 replies

Sparklymommy · 15/10/2013 08:53

The whole class is invited. How ridiculous! What about if your in a school with three classes for each year group? Do you have to invite the whole year group?!?!

Currently organising a disco for my four children and they have got the invite list down to 66. That's NOT inviting everyone, just the children they want to come. And I'm sure a few extras will be added before the actual day. If we had to invite everyone then that would be the WHOLE SCHOOL plus lots from the dance school. I'm mad, but not completely gaga!

OP posts:

SHarri13 · 15/10/2013 09:14

Isn't in a book bag far more discreet than on the playground with everyone observing?

Original poster

Sparklymommy · 15/10/2013 09:15

I don't do school run, my husband does. And about half the school aren't dropped off or picked up by a parent. They go on school buses. It's not a problem at our school, as I said. I just think its craziness. I understand its difficult when children aren't invited, but to go so far as to ban invites? Just seems extreme.

OP posts:

WestieMamma · 15/10/2013 09:15

I think it's a good thing. My daughter has finished with school now but ib her 15 years of school she wasn't invited to a single party. Not one. The hurt and damage that has done to her is irrepairable and not a lesson she should have been learning at school.

treaclesoda · 15/10/2013 09:15

but yes, on the general party theme, I detest the idea of inviting 25 children out of a class of 26. It's a select few, or else its everyone as far as I'm concerned.

My dd got an invitation earlier in the year where the whole class had been invited except one little girl. DD refused to go, because she thought it was horrible to leave the other girl out. It was a massive 3 hour party at a soft play place, so it was something she knew she would enjoy, but she just felt it wasn't right. She was only 6 at the time, and if a 6 year old can see how cruel it is, you'd hope that a parent could.

coldwinter · 15/10/2013 09:15

Midnite - That is awful.

But yes, good manners should be encouraged around this. But kids have to learn they won't get invited to everything. It is life. And why should a child invite a child who is perhaps bullying them to their party?

Longtalljosie · 15/10/2013 09:16

It really isn't a teacher's job to hand out party invites. If they don't want to be party to the kind of mean exclusions you often see on party lists, then good for them I say.

Sirzy · 15/10/2013 09:16

That is awful Midnite!

Sirzy · 15/10/2013 09:17

Treacle - what a lovely little girl you have :)

treaclesoda · 15/10/2013 09:19

I must say, I was very proud of her. There's no way I was as mature as that at the age of 6!

Original poster

Sparklymommy · 15/10/2013 09:20

midnite words fail me! That's horrendous.

I understand about being discreet. I also understand why these rules come into force if people are so cruel as in midnites post. People need to use common sense!

OP posts:

DoJo · 15/10/2013 09:22

The problem is that if schools allow/facilitate the giving out of invitations, then it is hard for them to stay neutral when it comes to any fall-out. Not getting involved seems to be the best way to reduce the chances of the teachers becoming embroiled in any more than they absolutely have to.

Pagwatch · 15/10/2013 09:23

And let's just be honest - its often the same child being let out over and over again. And not ususual for that child to have issues of some description.

So I think it is a great thing.
Get off your arse and find some contact details.

coldwinter · 15/10/2013 09:24

I agree with schools not distributng invitations. But the children can give them out themselves.

3birthdaybunnies · 15/10/2013 09:24

Please can I come too Toggy! I think from yr1 onwards the child can just give the invite themselves. I tell mine that if they make a big song and dance about giving invites then they will have to explain to others why they aren't invited (I always make sure their close friends are invited). If they do it discretely then others will be less likely to ask.

In reception I can see that book bags are the best way, still no need to make a big fuss in lesson time. The clown thing is awful though, hope there were some conscientious objectors among the invitees.

GooseyLoosey · 15/10/2013 09:25

This is a private school (near me) and I am sure that the head is merely doing what the parents have asked.

It is rather odd though as the children are taught in different classes for maths at least and there is boys games and girls games. I wonder if they have to ask the whole of each class they are in?

ilovesooty · 15/10/2013 09:25

Agree with Pagwatch

Make your own social arrangements exercising a bit of sensitivity and decency and leave the school out of it.

coldwinter · 15/10/2013 09:26

Pag - tat child will still know. Other kids in the class will talk about the party. There is no way realistically to hide that a child wasn't invited to a party.

Personally I blame the rise of big parties. Children's birthday parties, except for the very rich, used to be fairly small affairs with only a small group of close friends invited to a birthday tea and a few party games.

ilovesooty · 15/10/2013 09:27

I don't think the invitations should be given out on school premises at all.

earlesswonder · 15/10/2013 09:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

treaclesoda · 15/10/2013 09:31

someone earlier mentioned there being a contact list for all parents, is that common? Its not something our school would do. Just wondering, because I really would have no way of getting contact details for some of the kids in my daughter's class. Whilst I agree with not humiliating children who aren't invited, I also think it would be a shame for a child not to be able to invite a friend because they have no contact details outside of school. Its quite a balancing act.

coldwinter · 15/10/2013 09:33

There is no way I would want my contact details going out to every parent in a class. Would be fine if all parents were nice reasonable people, but in some areas, that is not the case.

Scholes34 · 15/10/2013 09:37

We always did our own contacts sheet in primary school. It just needs a couple or so parents to co-ordinate it. It helps if you have at least one girl and one boy from the class between you. You can work out how many children are in the class so you know when you've covered everyone.

It takes time, but you need to approach all parents, grandparents, carers dropping off, send a note home with a childminder and in time you'll accumulate a list.

The criteria for being on the list is that you don't object to having your details circulated to the other parents. The completed list is the one thing the school was happy to put into book bags, but this was in the days before everyone had an e-mail address. Now you can simply e-mail it to the list . . . along with your party invite.

Twelve years down the line, I'm still using the same reception class list for phone numbers for working out lift-sharing, invitations, etc.

Someone just has to put in a little effort.

Scholes34 · 15/10/2013 09:38

coldwinter - then you wouldn't be on our list. I assume, though, that you'd easily suss out who you want to get to know and who you'd want to invite to your parties, so that's not a problem.

BanjoPlayingTiger · 15/10/2013 09:39

Having been the child that was always excluded I think this is a fantastic idea! Until you have been the child who just isn't invited to parties then you have no idea how much this affects you. Not just in school but throughout life.

I could not agree more with Pagwatch

coldwinter · 15/10/2013 09:39

Email addresses would be fine. But when I think of some of the parents I have met, I would not want them to have my home address or telephone number, if I could help it. You do know there are plenty of anti social, aggressive parents out there?

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