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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School banning party invites unless...

213 replies

Sparklymommy · 15/10/2013 08:53

The whole class is invited. How ridiculous! What about if your in a school with three classes for each year group? Do you have to invite the whole year group?!?!

Currently organising a disco for my four children and they have got the invite list down to 66. That's NOT inviting everyone, just the children they want to come. And I'm sure a few extras will be added before the actual day. If we had to invite everyone then that would be the WHOLE SCHOOL plus lots from the dance school. I'm mad, but not completely gaga!

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 15/10/2013 09:42

The last 4 parties I have had have been at home - I am not having 30 children in my house, my limit is 12.

My eldest son was bullied by one particular boy - was I honestly expected to invite him to the party?

3birthdaybunnies · 15/10/2013 09:44

The school can't give out details but class reps organise it themselves. Most of the time it is easy to get names in reception, we have names and e-mail address. Any who weren't around at pick up time we sent a note to either via book bag or via our children. Obviously up to parents to want to be included but it does make it easier to keep track of who is in the class etc and less likely to accidentally leave someone off a full class party because your child has never mentioned the child.

Picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2013 09:45

I don't know the addresses, emails or phone numbers if the majority of parents in my ds's class at school and even less so at dds school (where dh teaches so does not want our details circulated)

I think it's a ridiculous policy that will just discriminate against working parents like myself who often don't do the school run.

MidniteScribbler · 15/10/2013 09:45

12 out of 30 is fine. 29 out of 30 is not.

EBearhug · 15/10/2013 09:45

There have been plenty of threads here where someone's DC has been the one in the class who hasn't been invited, so I can see where it's coming from. That doesn't mean it is always a practical solution.

ilovesooty · 15/10/2013 09:46

Fine. You can choose not to be on a contact list but make your details known to like minded parents. The school should be kept out of party invitations and certainly shouldn't facilitate children's exclusion.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/10/2013 09:47

I know the school in question well and it is an old policy and fully supported by the vast majority of parents.

I think many schools have the same policy.

Sirzy · 15/10/2013 09:48

I think it's a ridiculous policy that will just discriminate against working parents like myself who often don't do the school run.

Of course, its better for children to be discriminated against as long as things aren't made a little bit harder for parents!

ginslinger · 15/10/2013 09:49

am I too late for the invite to the thread? My internet broke and it's not my fault.

Alexandrite · 15/10/2013 09:49

Probably already been mentioned but the school in question is a private school, so we are not talking 30 kids per class. He probably did this in response to someone handing out invitations on the school playground to 14 kids out of a class of 15 or something, with the one left out standing watching the children flapping their invitations around!

coldwinter · 15/10/2013 09:49

I do think if a child is unpopular with virtually all their classmates, then they need some support to address the issues behind this - I am talking about NT children here only. Often it is poor social skills or that the child is a bully. Both need to be addressed.

I know as a young teenager I really struggled and was a clear outsider. I couldn't fathom the rules teenage girls operated by, and so instead hung out with the boys.

coldwinter · 15/10/2013 09:51

Alex - And what if the child not invited is a bully? At my primary school there was one sweet lookng girl who bullied all the girls. The teachers thought she was lovely. I would not have invited her to my party in a million years.

ginslinger · 15/10/2013 09:51

On a more serious note, DC1 went to school 30 years ago and this rule was in place then and we did things like ask for addresses, phone numbers or gave them to parent at gate. It seems that we have a myriad of ways off communicating with people now yet so many struggle to do it.

Floggingmolly · 15/10/2013 09:52

This has been the rule at our school for years. The school are not attempting to exert control over your party guests; they're simply refusing to allow the invitations to be given out on their premises, when some children who never get invited anywhere find it a source of humiliation and upset.
Stop being hysterical and get your facts straight Hmm

coldwinter · 15/10/2013 09:53

After reception, the child can themselves just hand out party invites. What is the big deal? And if they are not being discrete about it, then that needs to be dealt with as poor behaviour. Children should be taught good manners.

fluffyraggies · 15/10/2013 09:54

But no one is saying you HAVE to invite this one child.

The idea is being put forward that in order to safeguard against situations where children are being hurt that you should find an alternative way than handing out invites in class.

Just because something has always been done a certain way, and just because it's easy doesn't make it right.

RayABlokeIUsedToKnow · 15/10/2013 09:55

Can I just clarify the school don't give a shiny shit who you choose to invite to your child's party. Clearly they are not telling you to invite children who your children aren't friends with! They are simply saying that they don't want to waste time dealing with the fall out out of invitations being given out at school.

As a teacher I have witnessed some really horrible party invitation giving out as described by the poster above. One for you, one for you, no you aren't my friend, one for you. I have also dealt with a very upset little girl that was the only girl not invited in the class.

I now take the invitations and put them in book bags discretely. The children (y1/2) don't tend to look in their book bags until they are home and this takes away the handing out 'drama'.

MidniteScribbler · 15/10/2013 09:55

Children should be taught good manners.

Yes. It should be taught to them by their parents.

But seeing as how there are so many parents willing to exclude one or two children from a children's birthday party, I don't think there's too much hope of their children learning anything about appropriate manners.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 15/10/2013 09:55

Midnite that clown idea is horrible and tantamount to bullying if only 4 children were so conspicuously excluded!

This is not a new story though is it, its an old, old thing that at least half primary schools probably do, that's been turned into a news story by the Daily fail. Its only about the handing out of invites, not about who is invited. Apart from anything why should teachers have to take time out to police the handing out of invites or deal with the fall out if it being done in a Prima donna fashion.

fluffyraggies · 15/10/2013 09:56

My last post was to folk saying why should i invite the class bully.

It's not always the class bully getting left out.

gamerchick · 15/10/2013 09:57

Unless you have a kid who never gets invited you will struggle to understand the issue.

I've seen my 6 yr old have invites waved in his face.. I've had him come out of school breaking his heart time after time because they've all been invited except him.. he's been invited to one party in all his time at school (year 3) and he loved it and never in nursery.

I understand why he isn't invited ever but he doesn't and I would be really grateful if this was brought in to the school but I don't expect it.

WestieMamma · 15/10/2013 09:57

In my experience it's nearly always the children with SN who are excluded and also, in my experience, that exclusion is normally driven by the birthday child's parent not the child.

ilovesooty · 15/10/2013 09:58

Why should children be allowed to use the school premises to hand them out at all?

Coupon · 15/10/2013 09:58

YABU. If the school want to keep things inclusive on their premises then that's a good thing.

WestieMamma · 15/10/2013 09:59

gamerchick I watched my daughter's best friend hand out invites to everyone in the playground except my daughter. My daughter was heartbroken. Her friend said that she wanted to invite her but her mum said she couldn't.

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